To have cut my DD's (3) hair

[Gallavanting]

TL:DR: 3 year old tantrums over hair brushing resulted in me cutting a bob tonight with kitchen scissors.

My DD is generally quite a happy child. However she has never ever liked her hair brushed. We've tried tangle teasers, leave in conditioner, wide tooth combs, plaiting it. Its dead straight but gets very knotted.

Every time I brush her hair (twice daily) it has involved DH having to physically hold her or she lashes out with arms and legs.

Tonight she came out of the bath and I got the brush and sprayed her head with leave in conditioner as I usually do. She absolutely flailed. Threw herself back on the sofa and kicked me right in the eye - getting the bone just above it and below my brow.

I was so furious. I called DH and got an ice pack but I am now sporting a black eye for Christmas.

DH restrained DD as usually and I brushed the hair through and then I got the kitchen scissors and cut it off. It was past her shoulders and now it is chin length.

I kinda regret doing it tbh, its ok but I should have taken her to a hair dresser and will have to even it out.

Was I BU? Or would you have been at the end of your tether too?

PS DH won't brush her hair, he just lets it knot

Sounds sensible to me. Its now a more manageable length and it won't be such a pain to deal with.

YANBU. DH is very very U for just opting out. IMO restraining is far from ideal, so a bob it is. Surprised she let you do it! Sorry about your eye!

What does dd think?

Is it bad as you describe? Was she screaming while you cut her hair.

Well, I don't think it's going to solve her hatred of hair brushing to have a memory of being pinned down and her hair hacked off with a pair of scissors in revenge really, is it?

If her long hair was causing her anxiety and issues with brushing it then of course YANBU to cut it. I'm not sure the time was possibly the right time when you were so angry with her.

It was unfortunate that she kicked out and hurt you but of course this was unintentional. I think I would get stressed and probably lash out if I knew something was going to happen that would hurt me (brushing out knots) and be held down and restrained while it happened!

I would be thinking carefully about how to move forward with this, have you tried all of the distractions etc? Restraining a child to brush their hair seems wrong to me.

If it looks a mess, it will grow in a few weeks anyway and you can take her to a hairdresser to get it evened up.

We used to go to one in a city that had kiddie chairs with steering wheels and other stuff to distract them. It was rh only way to get DS2's hair done, and even then he fought tooth and nail.

You can't just ignore it like DH, she'll end up with tats you'd have to cut out.

Thank you so much, im feeling very bad!

Thank you! Yes he rather flakes on hair!

Thank you. Im going to see what I can do to get it tidied!

Thanks and yes I'm well aware it was not ideal. We will use leave in conditioner on it and try and get her involved again in the brushing of it. We've tried getting.her those doll heads, or her brushing my hair.then hers, but.she has always.refused.

She let's them do.it.at nursery!!!

This.

Cutting it is sensible.

Having spent the past however long pinning her down twice a day and then chopping it off at home because you were cross is ridiculous.

Hindsight is 20/20, but I think you and DH should have a think about how you've handled this and what might have been a better solution.

It’s okay, OP. I think restraining her and angrily cutting her hair was a poor parenting moment. I also know that i have had many, many poor parenting moments! It’s done now. My DDs’ hair knotted easily, especially overnight, so we took to plaiting it, as recommended by a hairdresser friend of ours. Once your DD’s hair has got a bit longer, plaiting it may be the way to go. Restraining your DD while you brush her hair - whilst understandable - has probably fed into her and your anxiety around this. One of those frequent parenting scenarios where the solution has become a problem.

Did you cut her hair while your dh restrained her and she was kicking off?

I have kids with sensory issues and I get it's frustrating. There had to be a solution between not brushing her hair at all and getting your dh to pin her while you hacked her hair off with scissors.

Totally sensible to cut it yourself with DH restraining her. You couldn’t have trusted her to behave in a hairdressers anyway so no point wasting their time or yours.

but now you need to try to break the cycle. It’s now manageable for her to do herself so she needs to take the control and brush it herself every day. Get nursery in board if they are already seeing different results and take a brush in her bag and she does it herself at nursery if she won’t for you. Nursery are very adept at dealing with with willfull children and they will happily help so use them! They’ve seen it all before and then some!

I used to cut my DDs hair all of the time.

I do think I would have waited until she was calmer but it’s done now.

I would just keep it short for a while.

She had calmed down, I didn't angrily take scissors to her while she was kicking off.

I feel incredibly guilty- the grandmother's are going to moan tomorrow and Xmas day and I'll get told how easy it is to brush a toddlers hair.

I mean - if you’d just cut it because you needed to it would have been fine, but the tone of the post makes it sound like it was revenge for your black eye and that’s what doesn’t sit right. Does she like it? Did she want it cut off?

Does she have fine hair? Use deep conditioning mask on it, a good detangler spray and head jog brush.

I cut my girl’s hair myself. It was a necessity in lockdown. I can’t work out how you would begin to be able to cut in a straight line on a upset child who was being held by another adult.

Probably not the ideal moment but it's done. Hopefully it'll be easier to manage.

DS4 absolutely hates a comb through his hair. He gets it cut at the barbers now every 7/8 weeks as a result. We did have to start going to the baby places with the cars initially at the age of your DD. To start with I'd have to hold him on my lap holding his arms down with full tears and he eventually progressed after about 4/5 visits to sitting by himself. He now absolutely loves going to the big boy barbers and tells all his boy classmates about how it was scary but now is awesome.

I also use L'Oréal Paris Elvive Extraordinary Oil Hair which makes a big difference.

Well it may be more manageable to have her hair shorter for you, although I always put mine in plaits making it much easier to look after but you have now shown her what it’s like to act in spite and she may pick up on that.

I always cut my boys hair when they were in the bath. Turned it into a fun activity with lots of bubbles in their hair and spiking it up. Perhaps she may let you tidy it up if distracted by something like this. To be honest it was mainly to save money at the time but my youngest who is now in his 30s still gets me to cut it with electric shears.

I think cutting it is a much better option than pinning her down to brush it every day or two!

Ignore the older relatives. I’d probably lie and tell them you did it cos you think it looks better short.

I guess the BU depends on the actual haircut. Was it traumatic for DD?

If Grandma’s moan, sounds like they need to be on regular hairbrushing duty.

Not ideal but its done now

Maybe she can have her own special brush that she brushes mummy & daddys hair with before she goes to bed and then you can brush her and her dolls hair?
Or get a hairdessers mannequin head and she can brush it and put hair clips in etc