To wish DD would stop moaning!

[Alisabet]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 is 28, DS2 is 25 and DD is 20. This year we are doing Christmas a little bit differently, both my mum and DHs dad passed away this year, now neither of us having living parents. For so many years Christmas has centred around the needs of small children then elderly parents and I just did not feel up to hosting a big Christmas. DS1 got engaged this year and he and his fiancée bought their first flat, they offered to host for us instead. They live in London, we live up north so it’s very different.
We gave DD the option of spending it with us or doing her own thing but made it clear what the plan was from the offset, she has a boyfriend of over a year and he invited her to his for Christmas but she doesn’t like his parents so declined.
We paid for DDs train, covered all the Airbnb costs (DS and his fiancée only have a 2 bed and the second room is small so we decided it better we stay in an Airbnb near by). We told her about all the plans in advance, have included her wants in the plans and she could have easily opted out of anything that didn’t interest her.

Yesterday we arrived in London and we spent the afternoon doing our own thing, DD chose to spend this shopping, we told her it would be hectic but she insisted. We then went to winter wonderland which was DDs request.

This morning we all met for brunch, this afternoon we are doing our own thing and then this evening we are going to the ballet.

Tomorrow we are having a lazy morning, going iceskating in the afternoon then to DS’s as his fiancée isn’t British and in her culture their main Christmas meal is on Christmas Eve. She is going to cook for all of us but the meal will be late as is normal in her culture.

Christmas Day we are going to DS’s in the morning for a light brunch and gift swapping then DH and I have booked and paid for a really lovely Christmas dinner out, evening no plans but likely a Christmas film.

Boxing Day we are meeting up with DHs old uni friends who happen to be DDs godparents, but it’s a very low pressure, drinks in the pub day.

Then train back on Sunday.

I appreciate it’s a pretty full on week with lots happening but DD was consulted in and made fully aware of the plans in advance, everyone has had their input on what we do (so DD wanted winter wonderland, I wanted a nice meal in a lovely restaurant on Christmas Day, DS2 wanted ice skating, DH wants to see his uni friends and DS1 well he just wanted us to join in with his fiancées Christmas meal, his fiancée wanted ballet.

Since we stepped on the train yesterday DD has been moaning non stop, Londons too busy, she doesn’t want to go to the ballet, ice skating isn’t her idea of fun, she doesn’t want a big meal on Christmas Eve or dinner at 9pm, she doesn’t want to eat in a restaurant, she doesn’t want to see DHs friends. It’s non stop. I’ve told her she can stay in the Airbnb if she wants, she said no that’s boring and why couldn’t we just have done Christmas at home. Currently her complaint is that she doesn’t want to go to the ballet as it’s dull and she doesn’t understand why anyone would enjoy it, I’ve told her she is welcome to not join us but since DS and his fiancée paid for the tickets, she has to tell them herself and it will come across as rude to cancel without a good reason after the tickets have been purchased.

DD is the youngest child and the only girl so I think she is used to Christmas revolving around her and being a little spoiled. I understand that Christmas is heavily tradition focussed and I’m sure next year I’ll go back to hosting but I was rather looking forward to doing something different, less pressure on us and an opportunity to welcome DS’s fiancée to the family properly by participating in her idea of Christmas. DD however is making it utterly miserable.

AIBU to tell her to quit the moaning and either stay in the Airbnb alone or join us and try to have fun?

It’s not like she could have said no at any point without being called rude and bratty. Honestly, if she had said no mum, no Christmas in London, I want to come home. There is no way you would have changed your plans. Not that you should have, but you need to understand she has not been given much choice ij the matter.

She may also be grieving the loss of her last grandparents and the usual Christmas tradition.

I would cut her some slack. Your schedule sounds utterly exhausting. Why can’t she just do the bits she wants and skip the rest?

That would be the 8th circle of hell for my DD21

I might have been more lenient if she was a young child/teenager, but she is 20! Bloody hell! Tell her that her attitude is spoiling it for others and if she does not stop moaning she won’t be welcome tomorrow!

Offer her a train ticket home first thing tomorrow morning.

I was around her age when we lost my grandparents and we had a couple of absolutely shit Christmases. Like you, my mum understandably didn’t feel like doing the usual but the alternatives were dire, not lovely like yours.

Even so, I knew enough about grief at that age to know what was going on, so I went along with it all and didn’t say a word.

Maybe you need to spell it out for her why things are different this year.

I think the way I view it is, DD had options; she could have gone to her boyfriends who was having a more relaxed Christmas, she could have stayed home and done her own thing, she could have joined us but told she didn’t want to do certain activities in advance or if she really wanted a Christmas at home she could have offered to take on all the shopping/cooking/organising. We aren’t the type of family who expect everyone to come to every part of it. I appreciate that it might be too much for some people but that is why DD was included in the process from the start.

DD and I did get a good chat in this morning, she said she just felt the activities weren’t things she enjoyed and she was a bit upset that our normal Christmas Eve of a Chinese take-away and films was replaced by a big meal (her argument being we aren’t French, we aren’t in France why do we all have to have a French Christmas Eve for one person), I did explain to her she could opt out and stay in the Airbnb and watch a film if she wanted to but in the end she joined us and actually seemed to enjoy it as the evening went on.

I get that going from a lazy Christmas to a busy one isn’t for everyone, but DD is a student, she doesn’t work, still lives at home and while I appreciate her studies take up a fair amount of time, she does get much more rest time than everyone else.

I think it’s a mixture of grieving and maybe not totally gelling with DS1s fiancée that are making her enjoy it less.

It’s the OP’s DD that wanted Winter Wonderland though.

She needs to grow up and stop being a spoilt brat. Christmas needn’t be the same every year forever and actually it can’t be as people change, grow older, move away, die etc.
What you’ve got planned sounds amazing, an adventure. She’s a very fortunate girl to have parents/family who can provide that sort of experience for her. I would be thrilled to be in her shoes (as would my own 21yo).

I think it’s a mixture of grieving and maybe not totally gelling with DS1s fiancée that are making her enjoy it less.

I would say it’s almost entirely about not liking her brother’s fiancée.

Explore that, and there’s your answer. Whether you care or not about the reasons is another matter altogether.

I already understand the reason, DS has been with his fiancée for years and DD has never much liked her.
There are a few reasons but mostly it’s just very different personalities, while DD is sociable and does enjoy being around people I wouldn’t say she is particularly extroverted, where as DS’s fiancée is very extroverted to me fun to be around but I appreciate others won’t feel the same. Then there is also DD is the only young woman in the family, so when DS first brought home his girlfriend DD suddenly felt a bit less special?
She also thinks DS is different around her and I don’t think that’s actually the case so much as DD is comparing student DS to working professional DS so he’s just grown up is all!

Im fully in the opinion that DD is free to dislike whoever she wants, but unless the person is actively mean, rude or has some other universally dislikable quality then you can’t expect your family to not spend time with that person, and of course you can’t decide who anyone else wants to date or marry!

I've voted yabu for going out for a meal on Xmas day.

I have some sympathy for her because it’s always difficult realising that childhood Christmases are no longer quite the same at a time of huge change in your own life at this age. And I personally would find this schedule way too full-on with not enough downtime, however everyone is different and at that age I would not have felt this was too much at all.

However I feel she should have more sympathy with you and not giving you more to stress over at a difficult time of year for you (I do think young adults are often quite self-centres and don’t yet see their parents as people in their own right so you may need to spell this out for her).

I’d definitely put my foot down about her coming to the ballet and at least giving it a chance (has she ever even been to a ballet?!) - even if she doesn’t like it she should at least be polite about it all and not ruin it for everyone else by sulking. Tickets have already been bought and I’m sure at huge expense too.

So I actually wouldn’t give her the option of opting out of the ballet personally, I think it’s a good life lesson that unless there is some very good reason, if you commit to plans with others, particularly where other people’s money has been spent, then you see them through. Different if she was eg in hospital or her best friend died today or she is so depressed she can’t get out of bed or washed or dressed and is suicidal etc. But in the normal run of things that this is what’s expected from her as part of the rules of society.

I would however let her opt out of eg ice skating if not paid in advance etc. On the condition that she does not then moan that she is bored on her own at the Air BnB!

Genuinely I think you need to remind her that you are trying to accommodate everyone’s needs and wants this Christmas, not least your own in a difficult year, and you’d like her to be as respectful to the things others want to do as they have been about what she wanted to do.

Eh I don’t have much sympathy for her at all. She seems very immature. She’s 20, not 13. It’s not all about her and it’s not like all of this was dropped on her last minute. She has the option to opt out of what she wants. Time for her to grow up and realise that not every plan revolves around her own desires.

Even when I was a child I had to participate in things I had no interest in to please others. It was part and parcel of family life. Perhaps she was a bit spoilt.

I mean, I think everyone’s opinion here is valid. Personally I just want a quiet Christmas this year and although your plans sound great and I love London, I think I’d personally like a lazy day at home amongst that. So I get her perspective as you admit it is a full on agenda. But you’ve given her the opportunity to stay at the airbnb or do her own thing, so I think that’s fair. I guess from her perspective, if she was at home she would have friends/boyfriend nearby which may not be the case in London? she actually might feel more comfortable at home.

You've created a monster

Why? Not everyone wants to stay at home and cook!

She sounds like a brat. Your plans sound lovely and I hope she knows how lucky she is. Sounds like she’s competing for attention now that there’s another female in the picture which is your brother’s fiancée l.

Ah what a shame, your Christmas sounds like fun to me! Hope she cheers up a bit and you all get to enjoy yourselves!

Leave her at home next year lol

One day she will wish that she had joined in , as you well know life is too short and our parents won't always be there at Christmas.
Tell her how you feel , if she won't listen she can stay at home / Airbnb and be by herself.
Your plans sound lovely , she didn't want to go to her boyfriends parents , doesn't like your plans , if she is a spoilt brat this is how they behave.

I love going out to eat on Christmas day , I love how everyone got to choose one bit over Christmas .

It's not the kind of Christmas I would enjoy, I've done the exact same thing at Christmas for 36 years. However, if my parents were paying for all these lovely experiences I would never dream of moaning. She needs to grow up

You could try asking her what the next moan (number #whatever!) is about? Make a joke of it but keep showing her up...

We had the same issues here with adult children trying to control the day(s)/ deep dissatisfaction/upset at change. It did not go well for us. DH and I have decided it is time to retire “family Xmas” for a few years to allow adult kids to do their own thing and we need to do ours. Children in their mid to late twenties need to be putting their own stamp on Xmas on their own terms - definitely before obligations to their own children and spouses come up. We also now want more freedom in these years.

I think you’ve done all you could really, given her plenty of options and short of giving up all your plans to accommodate her, there really isn’t much more you could have done.

She's not grieving, she's jealous and spoilt, pure and simple.