To wish DD would stop moaning!

[Alisabet]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 is 28, DS2 is 25 and DD is 20. This year we are doing Christmas a little bit differently, both my mum and DHs dad passed away this year, now neither of us having living parents. For so many years Christmas has centred around the needs of small children then elderly parents and I just did not feel up to hosting a big Christmas. DS1 got engaged this year and he and his fiancée bought their first flat, they offered to host for us instead. They live in London, we live up north so it’s very different.
We gave DD the option of spending it with us or doing her own thing but made it clear what the plan was from the offset, she has a boyfriend of over a year and he invited her to his for Christmas but she doesn’t like his parents so declined.
We paid for DDs train, covered all the Airbnb costs (DS and his fiancée only have a 2 bed and the second room is small so we decided it better we stay in an Airbnb near by). We told her about all the plans in advance, have included her wants in the plans and she could have easily opted out of anything that didn’t interest her.

Yesterday we arrived in London and we spent the afternoon doing our own thing, DD chose to spend this shopping, we told her it would be hectic but she insisted. We then went to winter wonderland which was DDs request.

This morning we all met for brunch, this afternoon we are doing our own thing and then this evening we are going to the ballet.

Tomorrow we are having a lazy morning, going iceskating in the afternoon then to DS’s as his fiancée isn’t British and in her culture their main Christmas meal is on Christmas Eve. She is going to cook for all of us but the meal will be late as is normal in her culture.

Christmas Day we are going to DS’s in the morning for a light brunch and gift swapping then DH and I have booked and paid for a really lovely Christmas dinner out, evening no plans but likely a Christmas film.

Boxing Day we are meeting up with DHs old uni friends who happen to be DDs godparents, but it’s a very low pressure, drinks in the pub day.

Then train back on Sunday.

I appreciate it’s a pretty full on week with lots happening but DD was consulted in and made fully aware of the plans in advance, everyone has had their input on what we do (so DD wanted winter wonderland, I wanted a nice meal in a lovely restaurant on Christmas Day, DS2 wanted ice skating, DH wants to see his uni friends and DS1 well he just wanted us to join in with his fiancées Christmas meal, his fiancée wanted ballet.

Since we stepped on the train yesterday DD has been moaning non stop, Londons too busy, she doesn’t want to go to the ballet, ice skating isn’t her idea of fun, she doesn’t want a big meal on Christmas Eve or dinner at 9pm, she doesn’t want to eat in a restaurant, she doesn’t want to see DHs friends. It’s non stop. I’ve told her she can stay in the Airbnb if she wants, she said no that’s boring and why couldn’t we just have done Christmas at home. Currently her complaint is that she doesn’t want to go to the ballet as it’s dull and she doesn’t understand why anyone would enjoy it, I’ve told her she is welcome to not join us but since DS and his fiancée paid for the tickets, she has to tell them herself and it will come across as rude to cancel without a good reason after the tickets have been purchased.

DD is the youngest child and the only girl so I think she is used to Christmas revolving around her and being a little spoiled. I understand that Christmas is heavily tradition focussed and I’m sure next year I’ll go back to hosting but I was rather looking forward to doing something different, less pressure on us and an opportunity to welcome DS’s fiancée to the family properly by participating in her idea of Christmas. DD however is making it utterly miserable.

AIBU to tell her to quit the moaning and either stay in the Airbnb alone or join us and try to have fun?

That sounds like a lovely set of plans, if your DD doesn't want to go the ballet I'll have her ticket! Jokes aside, do tell her to stop moaning, I get that change can be hard, but that's a lovely way to spend Christmas!!

Is she neurodivergent? I'm only asking because this sounds like my DD who is autistic. She finds change difficult, crowds overwhelming and emotional processing also difficult, so when she says one thing is bothering her it's actually something else entirely.
Which for your DD could it be grief or missing her grandparents at Christmas?

No she isn’t neurodivergent but I do think she is missing her grandparents.

Yes tell her you’re ashamed of her behaviour. Many young people would dream of a Christmas spent in London shopping, at markets, ice skating and ballet and meals out with their big family. She can’t even see her own incredible privilige.

It’s a bit I’m ashamed of your behaviour that on reflection I’ve encouraged for the last twenty years though isn’t it!

Shes old enough to be told plainly to wind her neck in.

Can I suggest, you go in when its peaceful and specifically say what you've said here, and say look, you're an adult now, the world doesnt revolve around what you want, its my and your dad's christmas too and we've had a shit year, you've had your say, but please can we just draw a line under it now, as im excited to spend christmas with you.

But then plan to have a proper chat after christmas with her when things are calmer as a 'come to jesus/your life is changing now, this isnt acceptable' she NEEDS to have this hammered into her now or she's going to have a rough time of her twenties...

Dont know why you need us to tell you to tell her she's a spoilt brat!

Not what you’re asking but wow-your plans sound so great!!

There are young people who could only dream of a Christmas like that, along with loving parents like you OP. Tell her to shut up or ship out. She's a spoilt brat. I wonder whether her boyfriend's parents can't stand her, rather than the other way round. One way train ticket home and she can do Christmas as she pleases, on her own and good riddance.

Edited to say that your Christmas sounds fantastic!

Tell her in no uncertain terms to stop moaning. I just don’t get this pussyfooting around a spoiled 20 year old who is acting like a much younger teenager.

Moaning and whingeing and whining are intolerable after the age of around seven. Even more so when the events being complained about are actually really nice and plans explained well in advance. She is in danger of ruining everything for everyone else.

Dinner on Xmas eve because your DS’s fiancée is from a different culture? Oh no! Eating dinner late? Oh no! (try living in Spain!)

She’s far too young to be clinging to ‘tradition’. She has three options - get the train back up north and spend Xmas alone, stay in the Airbnb, or make an effort to behave like a normal person.

@Alisabet why haven’t you told her to shut up and stop moaning yet?

Your Christmas plans sound absolutely amazing, I'm massively jealous !

I think as others have said you need to say to your DD that the moaning has to stop as it is spoiling it for others (and will make it very awkward for the poor fiancee if there is an atmosphere at her Christmas eve dinner ditto being rude about the ballet as that was fiancees choice).

In your DD's defence, some people don't cope well with change, and there has already been the change of grandparents being missing this year, which will be hard for everyone, and she may be taking that hard.
You can tell her you understand her feelings but she's not to spoil it for others, she can either join in and be gracious or do her own thing, not join in grumpily.

My own parents died near to Christmas (not n the same year jut coincidentally near Christmas, and not all that recently) and it is hard, but we all raised a glass to them over Christmas dinner and shared memories of good times, without letting it get too morbid or sad.

She sounds delightful.
Really op unless you start pulling her up on her rudeness and tea hung her basic manners your going to have a horrible adult for years ahead .maybe that's why she can't get on with boyfriends parents . Stop pandering to her .

I would guess she resents that Christmas is no longer about her (which is would have been for a long time, as she's the youngest of your children). Well, she'll just have to get used to it. I would definitely tell her she's spoiling things for the rest of you, she did NOT have to come along and it's time for her to remember her manners and consider how fortunate she is not only to be invited to do lots of lovely things (ice-skating apart, your Christmas sounds fabulous) that she doesn't have to pay for herself.

*teaching

That sounds a wonderful Christmas and she is being rather spoilt and needs to be told so. I can totally understand why you wanted a different Xmas this year.

We were in the same situation a few years ago and we opted to go abroad for Christmas to have a change. I lost my remaining parent who had major health struggles all year. I just needed a year off Christmas. Our kids were teenagers and were happy to embrace a different Christmas and understood the reasons why.

Maybe you need to tell her why you felt the need for a change this year. Maybe she hasn't thought about how hard it is for you having lost your parents. If she is still grumpy, then let her sit in the airbnb and wallow. Don't let her spoil your Christmas op!

Wow, she's being extremely rude and ungrateful.

She's an adult. If she wanted to do something else then she could have done so. I think she's v lucky to have this trip financed for her at her age.

Sit her down now, before Xmas really hits, and have a firm word.

Hand her return train ticket. Tell her to use it or shut up

She needs to get on a train and go home and spend Xmas with herself reflecting on how she is a selfish cow and that she is lucky enough to have family alive and well that she is able to do things with. She sounds a total misery guts and yes likely because the attention is not all on her. What a brat. Send her home and enjoy the time with your son and partner, I’m sure it has not been a cheap break and for dd to be ruining it for everyone is not on. You need to tell her she is sucking the life out of you with the moaning and if she’s not happy stay at the air bnb and let everyone else enjoy.

I think your plans sound really lovely!

Your daughter is very privileged that your family can afford to do all those lovely things and you should definitely remind her of this.
She's acting like a total spoiled brat. It's embarrassing for a woman of her age to behave like that.

I think you should do it now so that hopefully she will stop and won't spoil the rest of your Christmas.

Can I come please if she doesn't want to?! Sounds wonderful!
You've been very kind- my mum would have told me straight (and still would, even though I'm 44) to pack it in and stop being an ungrateful brat. Perhaps you don't need to be that blunt, but I do think you need to stop giving her options and being so accommodating. She is 20; old enough to not whinge and ruin other people's fun, and also to go home if she wants. It's her choice. You can tell her that! She is incredibly lucky. I know a lot of 20 year olds who wouldn't get treated to dinners and ballet tickets and an air bnb.
Hopefully she will buck up!

It sounds like she is really struggling with the concept of being an adult so holding on to the traditions of childhood by wanting Christmas to still be like that. It seems all the moaning could be about facing up to that as 20 is that odd age where you are still between childhood and adulthood.

it is important to sit her down and explain how she is impacting the family though and ask her to find more empathy and understanding for others or else this will carry on and she will be a nightmare for anyone to have a relationship with