To wish DD would stop moaning!

[Alisabet]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 is 28, DS2 is 25 and DD is 20. This year we are doing Christmas a little bit differently, both my mum and DHs dad passed away this year, now neither of us having living parents. For so many years Christmas has centred around the needs of small children then elderly parents and I just did not feel up to hosting a big Christmas. DS1 got engaged this year and he and his fiancée bought their first flat, they offered to host for us instead. They live in London, we live up north so it’s very different.
We gave DD the option of spending it with us or doing her own thing but made it clear what the plan was from the offset, she has a boyfriend of over a year and he invited her to his for Christmas but she doesn’t like his parents so declined.
We paid for DDs train, covered all the Airbnb costs (DS and his fiancée only have a 2 bed and the second room is small so we decided it better we stay in an Airbnb near by). We told her about all the plans in advance, have included her wants in the plans and she could have easily opted out of anything that didn’t interest her.

Yesterday we arrived in London and we spent the afternoon doing our own thing, DD chose to spend this shopping, we told her it would be hectic but she insisted. We then went to winter wonderland which was DDs request.

This morning we all met for brunch, this afternoon we are doing our own thing and then this evening we are going to the ballet.

Tomorrow we are having a lazy morning, going iceskating in the afternoon then to DS’s as his fiancée isn’t British and in her culture their main Christmas meal is on Christmas Eve. She is going to cook for all of us but the meal will be late as is normal in her culture.

Christmas Day we are going to DS’s in the morning for a light brunch and gift swapping then DH and I have booked and paid for a really lovely Christmas dinner out, evening no plans but likely a Christmas film.

Boxing Day we are meeting up with DHs old uni friends who happen to be DDs godparents, but it’s a very low pressure, drinks in the pub day.

Then train back on Sunday.

I appreciate it’s a pretty full on week with lots happening but DD was consulted in and made fully aware of the plans in advance, everyone has had their input on what we do (so DD wanted winter wonderland, I wanted a nice meal in a lovely restaurant on Christmas Day, DS2 wanted ice skating, DH wants to see his uni friends and DS1 well he just wanted us to join in with his fiancées Christmas meal, his fiancée wanted ballet.

Since we stepped on the train yesterday DD has been moaning non stop, Londons too busy, she doesn’t want to go to the ballet, ice skating isn’t her idea of fun, she doesn’t want a big meal on Christmas Eve or dinner at 9pm, she doesn’t want to eat in a restaurant, she doesn’t want to see DHs friends. It’s non stop. I’ve told her she can stay in the Airbnb if she wants, she said no that’s boring and why couldn’t we just have done Christmas at home. Currently her complaint is that she doesn’t want to go to the ballet as it’s dull and she doesn’t understand why anyone would enjoy it, I’ve told her she is welcome to not join us but since DS and his fiancée paid for the tickets, she has to tell them herself and it will come across as rude to cancel without a good reason after the tickets have been purchased.

DD is the youngest child and the only girl so I think she is used to Christmas revolving around her and being a little spoiled. I understand that Christmas is heavily tradition focussed and I’m sure next year I’ll go back to hosting but I was rather looking forward to doing something different, less pressure on us and an opportunity to welcome DS’s fiancée to the family properly by participating in her idea of Christmas. DD however is making it utterly miserable.

AIBU to tell her to quit the moaning and either stay in the Airbnb alone or join us and try to have fun?

I only voted YABU because to my mind, one person (usually mum) investing so much in ensuring everyone else has a super time nearly always ends in frustration and disappointment on the giver's part, mardy ingratitude on the recipient's part, and hurt feelings all round.

You're absolutely right to say that she must at least take responsibility for telling her brother she doesn't want his ballet tickets. It might shake her out of that 'terrible twos' mindset of saying NO to everything - which if my experience is anything to go by, is not uncommon in DDs of that age. I think this episode also says something about group holidays, in that you really can't please all of the people all of the time!

If you can OP, try to keep your temper and sense of humour, so it doesn't spoil things for you and everyone else. And if you feel able to dig deep - I appreciate you're feeling a bit wounded too - maybe take the opportunity when you're doing something like the washing up, food prep or other mindless task, to gently ask DD if something's on her mind.

Playing devils advocate; if she’s missing her grandparents and maybe reflecting that siblings are growing up she’s no longer a child, it’s all slipping away. Maybe she wanted and missed that special Christmas feeling. Everything has changed for her quickly, she’s maybe missing that familiar Christmas.

Not saying she doesn’t need to be told to be a little less grumpy but look deeper into why she’s behaving that way. Acknowledge it’s a different Christmas, that she’s missing grandparents and the traditions she’s use to. Talk about previous Christmas’s and what she loved the most.

She sounds like she got herself into a proper funk and she needs to snap herself out of it.

I must admit I was like this occasionally as a young adult. I think it came on when I was nervous, anxious and during periods of change but I didn't really understand it at the time and was a bit of a nightmare to deal with.

I hope she can snap herself back and enjoy the rest of Christmas, whilst your trip sounds busy it sounds really super and great to mix it up and do something different. Enjoy your Christmas Eve, some of my family have their main meal on Christmas Eve and it is an EPIC feast!

YANBU she's not a child and even if she was her moaning wouldn't be acceptable.
FWIW it sounds like a really lovely Christmas!

When you talk to her, OP, I’d also dig down a bit into what’s going on with her boyfriend and his parents. Who and what is really the problem here, and why?

Your Christmas sounds lovely. Can I come instead of your DD?

Honestly she would be in the Thames by now if she was mine! Could her father even talk to her as I sometimes think daughters take the criticism from them better. You don’t want a whole row this close to Christmas though, so try and be calm. Even though you have every right to go mad.

Oh fgs nervous, anxious and a bit of change 🙄 no wonder there’s some selfish adults about. Too many excuses for bad behaviour. She’s an adult!

She’s 20 not 12! How about a little respect and understating for you and your DH who are recently bereaved?! Not to mention she sounds an absolute liability in terms of being rude towards the fiance… she needs a good talking to sharpish before she ruins anything else!

Wow it sounds like a lot of planning and money has gone in to this and what fabulous plans you have set out. I must admit rolling my eyes at your daughters moaning. How frustrating! I do think self sabotage at this age is really normal. Rather than seeing it as an opportunity to immerse herself in London life, she's throwing a strop and not appreciating that she won't always get to do this.
I would have a very strong word with her and not let it stop your plans. If she wants to go home or change plans she can fund them.

Stop making excuses for her and ask her to behave herself!

She sounds like a brat!

Absolutely not unreasonable. She sounds like an ungrateful madam and a fun sponge.
You really need to challenge her sense of entitlement and hope it isn’t ’too little, too late”
I would be mortified if my 20 yo daughter was behaving so badly.

Honestly I'd remind her why you are doing this. Remind her that you and DH are experiencing grief and need time away from usual traditions. Ask her to when you are DH are gone to if you think she will regret the way she is behaving? DD is an adult albeit a young one but she needs to be told to stop acting like a childish brat. She either joins in and plasters a smile on her face or grumps in the Airbnb.

Imagine having the audacity to moan about the ballet and a posh meal out after you’ve dragged everyone to winter bloody wonderland.

She is being a brat. Your Christmas plans sound wonderful.

Probably not half as much as you and your DH are missing your parents this year . Has anyone pointed this out to her?

I quite agree

It can be hard to grow up, but she really is making you suffer. This is a good opportunity to help her grow up. She particularly needs to be reminded that if anyone should be feeling blue this year it's those who have lost parents, to be this self centred is not Ok.

Give her VERY short shrift, not least because this all sounds magical and I am happy to join you if she wants to go home..

I’d be telling her to put up or shut up it better still, go home. Time she adulted

I have a little bit of sympathy as the first year of doing something different can be quite difficult - but she’s old enough to understand that and knows that moaning is annoying. You’ve been very patient with her.

Hmmm… like a previous poster I’m also wondering about the possibility of neurodivergence, or anxiety.

My ADHD daughter (30) can be very closed when she’s feels overwhelmed and her behaviour can come over as incredibly rude. Only diagnosed recently - she masked it well, as many women do.

I get that her behaviour is very difficult and needs to be addressed, but you don’t want to escalate things if she’s genuinely struggling. Is there an opportunity to offer her a bit of time out/a quiet walk with someone she’s mostly relaxed with?

Might also help to ask her what her preferred solution is and go through the options and potential benefits/consequences/mitigations of her choices.

I think maybe things sounded fun when she agreed to them that are now sounding busy / overwhelming.

With an Airbnb you've got a kitchen so she can make sure she's not overly hungry with a 9pm dinner. I can't imagine wanting to start a meal out at that time but I suppose it's something you try once and see how it goes. Gaviscon is worth having on hand as a nightcap - big meals close to bed time can cause reflux.

I was just thinking the same thing. How lovely that you're all coming together to support one another and do something really different at a tricky time.

Your plans sounds wonderful OP. I hope you get to enjoy it all 💐

You’re going to have to tell her properly forcefully using fuck off you moaning arsehole as a starting point.

or you’re going to get my SIL as a daughter. 40 years old and acts like the entire world revolves round her. She’s an absolute cunt and everyone hates her.

Just to add a balancing view. These plans sound amazing and I agree she is very lucky.

However, it also sounds quite full on, with not much chill or downtime. At that age I loved going home to my parents at Christmas and vegging out in front of the TV. Low demand, chance to relax, not have to “perform”
or be “on” but just “be” in front of people I felt 100% comfortable and safe with, and unwind. I don’t know whether that would normally be a feature of the Christmases you’ve hosted in the past, but is it possible that she’s just realised that’s what she’s missing? I had a very demanding professional job in my early twenties and I relied on those kinds of Christmases to recharge my batteries after what were often very long working hours.

Just a thought. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.