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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt to have received no Christmas gifts

75 replies

RocSor · 21/12/2025 20:38

I am a pensioner grandmother and recently made the long journey from my home in Central Europe to visit my family in Britain. Carrying carefully chosen gifts for all, but thats not relevant - happy to be doing that. Despite the difficulties of the journeys, I sometimes do it so that they don't ever need to travel to me at Christmastime.
Had a delightful evening with my youngest single parent son and his children, exchanging gifts and affection. Each of them had saved up and made the heartwarming effort to give me thoughtful gifts and cards. They have to watch every penny, so I am very grateful.
By contrast, the hours I spent with my eldest son and his family, (two large incomes, house paid for, horses,land,dogs,expensive vehicles, month long exotic holidays ) yielded not one single gift to me from either DIL nor their two (excessively overindulged) college-age children. My son had gifted me a small token present online.
My DIL, a loudly vociferous controller of husband, children and household, was at pains to display to me her generous nature by boasting about the large batch of Christmas cakes she had benevolently baked for various people. A local handiman was gifted by her an expensive designer sweatshirt. Oddly, she admitted to having (for no good reason) opened the wrapped gift I had placed under the tree for my son. My gift for her was untouched.
Twice during my visit she took me and her daughter to fancy shops to flash her card at the vast array of luxury gifts and goodies. None of her purchases was for me.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that she could at the very least have encouraged her children, even if not herself, to indulge me in a Christmas gift? The children would not have had to pay for it themselves, they never buy gifts, despite each having generous personal allowances.
I'm asking this question of Mumsnetters because it may be a generational difference of attitude, and I'm out of touch. I'm trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be hurt nor worried that the children have clearly been brought up to be indulged and think of no-one but themselves. I would not speak to my son about it because doing so may cause trouble between them.
Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 21/12/2025 20:41

Why is this anything to do with your DIL? Your son is your child, a grown adult and also the parent of those children- he should have encouraged them to sort a gift. The buck stops with him, your problem here is with him, not DIL. Focus your attention the right way.

DappledThings · 21/12/2025 20:42

I never bought presents for my GPs. Don't think it was ever expected. Presents come from a family to an individual in my experience. I don't buy anything for MIL or expect DC to; whatever DH buys is from all of us.

So you are unreasonable to expect individual gifts but not to have hoped to be made more welcome.

user98732 · 21/12/2025 20:42

I think it’s a little unusual to expect more than one gift from your son and his family. The issue is really that your son chose to give you a token online gift. Presumably that was from all of them.

Poms · 21/12/2025 20:44

This is on your ds, I’m not sure why you are laying the blame on your dil.

Anonomonomous · 21/12/2025 20:45

I would never buy another gift for my husbands family, his gift is from all of us, likewise my gift for my family is from all of us.
sounds like he chose badly!

CandyCaneKisses · 21/12/2025 20:46

She’s probably up to her eyeballs in debt and it’s all lies and fakery with everything waiting to be returned.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/12/2025 20:46

What was the token online gift?

RecordBreakers · 21/12/2025 20:47

I agree with everyone else.

It is up to your son, whose present would normally be labelled "From son, wife and the kids".

Completely confused as to why you are seemingly blaming your DiL who you clearly don't like.

ElizabethsTailor · 21/12/2025 20:48

It’s not Christmas yet. Maybe they will give you another gift then?

Do they buy expensive gifts for each other? In my experience the wealthier the family, the less spent on family presents, and vice-versa. So perhaps the “token gift online” was in the budget on what they spend on close family, and maybe the “online” part was so you didn’t have to lug it around Europe.

(You seem to intensely dislike your DIL though)

firstofallimadelight · 21/12/2025 20:51

It’s not for your dil to organise your gifts it’s your son’s job. But it sounds like you don’t like them very much, maybe the feeling is mutual?

SunMoonandChocolate · 21/12/2025 20:53

Sorry OP, I think you are BU, but only in as much as it shouldn't be down to your DIL to encourage the kids to get you a gift, it should be your DS who speaks to his children and tells them that their Grandma will be coming for a Christmas visit, and suggest some gifts that you might like. Also, if they're as wealthy as you seem to think, why did your son only get you a 'token' gift, and not something special, when you've gone to all the effort to travel long distance to visit?

I think you should tell your son that you were hurt not to receive a card or gifts from his children, after you travelled all that way to visit, and point out that your other son's children, although very short on cash, had gone to the trouble of saving up to give you gifts and show that they appreciated your visit.

It sounds to me, like they may be wealthy, but they're far from generous to anyone but themselves, and in your shoes, I don't think I'd bother putting myself out to visit them in future, I'd make sure I spent more time with the other son, and his family, who have clearly shown you how much they care.

AwfullyGood · 21/12/2025 21:27

Your son is the problem. He's the one who made no effort. Not sure why DIL is getting the blame other than the fact you don't like her.

Endofyear · 21/12/2025 21:31

Could your son not have organised his children to buy you a gift? Why is it DILs job to do it? You obviously don't like her but it's your son you should be upset with.

SoManyDandelions · 21/12/2025 22:12

I don't buy MIL a separate gift. She gets a gift from us as a family. DC don't buy separate gifts for any of their relatives. I didn't either when I was a child. I started buying gifts for my parents, siblings and grandparents when I was an adult earning my own money.

What did your DS get for you?

MidnightMeltdown · 21/12/2025 22:55

I wouldn’t expect a separate gift from DIL, couples usually give one gift between them (though arguably, unfairly, if the recipient buys a separate gift for each of the couple).

I would expect a gift from collage age grandchildren though. I started buying small gifts for grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins from around the age of 14 or 15, even just from pocket money. By 16 I had a part-time job so definitely buying gifts for people gave gifts to me. Sounds like his kids may be a bit spoiled though.

SpicyTool75 · 21/12/2025 22:58

YABU to expect your DIL to organise your gift, YA also BU to raise your son to expect his wife to do his jobs. Cop on, sick of listening to women blame women for their lack of parenting. Have a word with your useless son and direct your anger in the right direction or keep your mouth shut

VikaOlson · 21/12/2025 23:01

Why would your DIL buy you a gift when you don't even like her?

It's more interesting that the gift your son gave you wasn't adequate.

Theslummymummy · 21/12/2025 23:01

No gifts??? Apart from the ones from your other som and the gift your son gave you online? You sound grabby.

Frynye · 21/12/2025 23:05

You hate your dil and seem to dislike your grandkids. Do you like your son. Why on earth are you travelling to spend time with people you dislike and judge so much

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 21/12/2025 23:11

Maybe it's a cultural difference, but in my experience of growing up in and living in Britain, you receive one present from a family, not one present from each person in the family.

So it means, for my sibling, their spouse and their 3 kids, I buy 5 presents and get one in return. It might not seem fair but that's how it's always been here.

Poms · 21/12/2025 23:11

VikaOlson · 21/12/2025 23:01

Why would your DIL buy you a gift when you don't even like her?

It's more interesting that the gift your son gave you wasn't adequate.

I suspect the issue with the son’s gift has nothing to do with the gift itself. The problem is that it wasn’t bought by the DIL, and the OP seems determined that the only acceptable scenario is one where the woman takes responsibility for it.

OrigamiOwls · 21/12/2025 23:13

I wouldn't expect your son and DIL to get you a separate gift each.

RedFrogs · 21/12/2025 23:39

It’s your son’s responsibility to buy for you from the family.

Katflapkit · 21/12/2025 23:43

Curious as to what the online token gift was

Foxcubforest · 21/12/2025 23:47

If your son gave you a present then I think that can be judged as coming from his wife too. My husband and I would not both give a present to his mother, we would just give one from the both of us.
Your grandchildren are students, so they’re probably financially dependent on their parents - therefore any gift they gave you would be paid for by their parents. I think they should have bought you gifts, but they would only nominally have been from them so I can also see why they might just leave it up to their dad and mum.