Hurt to have received no Christmas gifts

[RocSor]

I am a pensioner grandmother and recently made the long journey from my home in Central Europe to visit my family in Britain. Carrying carefully chosen gifts for all, but thats not relevant - happy to be doing that. Despite the difficulties of the journeys, I sometimes do it so that they don't ever need to travel to me at Christmastime.
Had a delightful evening with my youngest single parent son and his children, exchanging gifts and affection. Each of them had saved up and made the heartwarming effort to give me thoughtful gifts and cards. They have to watch every penny, so I am very grateful.
By contrast, the hours I spent with my eldest son and his family, (two large incomes, house paid for, horses,land,dogs,expensive vehicles, month long exotic holidays ) yielded not one single gift to me from either DIL nor their two (excessively overindulged) college-age children. My son had gifted me a small token present online.
My DIL, a loudly vociferous controller of husband, children and household, was at pains to display to me her generous nature by boasting about the large batch of Christmas cakes she had benevolently baked for various people. A local handiman was gifted by her an expensive designer sweatshirt. Oddly, she admitted to having (for no good reason) opened the wrapped gift I had placed under the tree for my son. My gift for her was untouched.
Twice during my visit she took me and her daughter to fancy shops to flash her card at the vast array of luxury gifts and goodies. None of her purchases was for me.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that she could at the very least have encouraged her children, even if not herself, to indulge me in a Christmas gift? The children would not have had to pay for it themselves, they never buy gifts, despite each having generous personal allowances.
I'm asking this question of Mumsnetters because it may be a generational difference of attitude, and I'm out of touch. I'm trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be hurt nor worried that the children have clearly been brought up to be indulged and think of no-one but themselves. I would not speak to my son about it because doing so may cause trouble between them.
Am I wrong?

I never bought my grandparents a gift as a child and I certainly have never bought my in-laws anything 🫣

Sorry OP but I think your expectations are massively out of whack with reality.

Your son got you a gift. They are a family. They don't need to give you separate gifts.

If you're not happy with it, take it up with him. Leave your DIL and grandkids out of it. It's clear you don't like them. So even more reason for them not to get a separate gift for you.

It’s only the 21st - do you culturally celebrate a different date, not 25th?

It is poor form to not have a gift for a guest spending Christmas in one’s home, unless you’ve agreed in advance no gifts/gifts only for children.

But I do think you’ve latched on to it being your DIL’s fault, and turned it into a bit of resentment at her perceived largesse to others.

Update us on the 26th!!

It’s not Christmas yet.

i haven’t wrapped all my gifts.
my dd hasn’t finished shopping.

you are jumping the gun a bit, no?

OP, you get that having a vagina doesn’t make you responsible for family present-giving, right?

I’ve never bought my MIL a Christmas present in my life — DH handles all presents for his family, naturally. And I never bought my grandparents presents.

I think it’s wrong to blame the DIL. It’s your son that’s the problem. I’ve never bought things for my husbands family. They are his family. We like each other but I don’t get them gifts. My husband mirrors this with my family. It works well.

I wouldn’t buy a present for a MIL who was so obviously dripping with disdain for me.

My husband sorts out his side of the family, I sort out my side. The days of “ wife work” are long gone for many of us. I also never bought extra presents from children who don’t have an income and find it odd some people do buy extra gifts and pretend they are from the children. They could have made ou more welcome but your son is the one you need to moan about and ditch the sex stereotypes

I also haven’t wrapped any presents yet and maybe at Christmas itself you will get a present more to your liking

No, that’s you, not everyone thinks the same.
I’ve always got my grandparents, Christmas and birthday presents, as l child saved up my pocket money.
Wow how mean of you, you never buy for your in-laws either! You sound very selfish! That’s not typical behaviour.

You obviously dislike your dil and gcs so I'm not sure why you expect a gift from them.

Your ds gave you a gift and they hosted you. Seems pretty standard to me.

It's clear you have a favourite dc and that makes for difficult reading.

So should people give one present to a family then and not to each individual in the family?

My experience growing up and living in Britain was as soon as you had an allowance of your own or started earning, you bought a gift for those family members you saw. It didn't have to be anything expensive.
This person has put herself out and travelled a long way. I'd be interested in what the token online gift was, but I don't think she sounds unreasonable so I imagine the token gift was not in any way well thought out.
Also I have always had input with both sets of grandparents when it comes to gifts so if what DH bought online wasn't much I'd suggest getting her something else while I was out with her. I just hope OP gets something on the day, because I don't get the impression she is bothered about the gift, just the thought.

OP has also had the cost of travel.

That’s the phrase I was looking for 😆 dripping with disdain. It actually gave me spine prickles when I read the OP. I hope someone tells the DIL about MN, she must have a lot to unpack.

Any chance your son and his family know what you think of them? Because then I understand them fully, actually. The disdain is palpable.

Not that I'm even sure this is real.

EDIT crossposted with above re: disdain.

Is there a cultural difference happening here?

We're four days from Christmas and I haven't finished shopping yet. We don't open presents until the day.

Some countries/cultures are bigger on presents than others, so it's easy to be caught out that way, too

But yes, I loved my in-laws very much, but my husband chose and bought for then, because they were his parents. So if you're not happy with the online voucher, that's down to your DS rather than your DIL.

Can’t imaging the OP will be back but just in case…

Your title is inaccurate at best, lying for sympathy at worst. You have received presents, just not as many as you think you deserve. Seems your golden child can do no wrong here, this is about your scapegoat child.

What does being a pensioner have to do with anything? I’m guessing you are trying to imply you are low on money yourself - but many pensioners are better off than when they were working, and you could afford a trip across Europe to visit your family, so I’m guessing it’s a completely irrelevant point. And if you are struggling financially, maybe you should have said you can’t afford presents this year as you are visiting, or bought a token family gift (box of chocolates/biscuits or maybe a board game) only.

I think you were lucky with what your golden child and his family gave you (in terms of quantity) and aren’t recognising that it isn’t the norm. Most people would only give one gift from the whole family, not one person person. I would be curious as to whether the value of the token gift from your son is higher or lower than the combined value of everything from the younger brothers family. I suspect it will be a higher value as you haven’t said.

Your hatred for your DIL is clear in every word you post. So why the hell would she buy something for someone who clearly hates her? She probably sees it that hosting you for however long is a pretty big gift…

Your son is the only one responsible for sorting out gifts. If you live in a different country to them, how well do your grandchildren know you? I wouldn’t expect them to buy their own gifts for a virtual stranger just because they are related. Did you consider that maybe your son didn’t want you to have to carry gifts home with you, or that you might not have suitcase space? So he went for an online gift for YOUR convenience.

You mention your DIL making a great effort to show how generous she is to others. Did you consider that maybe your son stopped her from getting you something and she was trying to show that she’s usually a very thoughtful gifted?

I’d love to know the backstory here, because there will be one. How many times do you visit a year, and how often do they visit you? Do you always visit both sons? Is your eldest son low contact usually by any chance? I certainly don’t think your DIL is the problem though.

Your DIL seems vulgar and insufferable even if there's an obvious bias against her on your side, but if I'm honest, I think YABU to expect gifts from your GCs. I buy my parents gifts, but they don't need much, and they definitely don't want the children to spend money on gifts for them. They're more often trying to spend money on us for IHT purposes.

That said, it's nice if children want to do something personal like a picture as a gift, but I think it's more meaningful if initiated by them rather than their parents. It would be unusual coming from college aged children.

I note too, that your youngest son is wifeless and poor; the cynic in me would say he has far more reason to keep you sweet than his very affluent and financially independent brother.

I think what @Tillow4ever says is really insightful actually, and perhaps I jumped in too quickly with my judgement of the DIL.

I don't buy my in-laws separate presents to my husband and vice versa, I buy for my parents and he buys for his parents, it'd be a bit bonkers us buying twice for both sets of parents. I didn't buy anyone gifts in college either, it wasn't until I had a job in my early 20s post uni I started to buy christmas presents for anyone beyond my parents and siblings.

It does sound like you just don't like your dil.

My DH buys for his family, I buy for mine. The gifts are chosen and paid for by us individually. But given 'from us all'. One gift per relative.
I think it was your sons job to sort and pay for the gift for you. He chose a token online gift. Maybe he was thinking shipping costs, costs of extra baggage if they give an item when you come. He just went with the option that was least risky to get to you.

I think it’s a little unusual to expect more than one gift from your son and his family. The issue is really that your son chose to give you a token online gift. Presumably that was from all of them.

This. The problem is your son. In most families each spouse buys for "their side". Your DIL probably shopped for the gifts for her own mum & dad, siblings, nieces nephews etc from their family. It is on your son to buy for you.

In the uk many pensioners are more comfortably off than young families, it tends to be the grandparents treating the GC rather than the other way round.

Also curious to know what the online gift was, but I do think YABU. I wouldn't expect a separate gift from DIL (or the kids).

It's not Christmas yet! 🙄