Hurt to have received no Christmas gifts

[RocSor]

I am a pensioner grandmother and recently made the long journey from my home in Central Europe to visit my family in Britain. Carrying carefully chosen gifts for all, but thats not relevant - happy to be doing that. Despite the difficulties of the journeys, I sometimes do it so that they don't ever need to travel to me at Christmastime.
Had a delightful evening with my youngest single parent son and his children, exchanging gifts and affection. Each of them had saved up and made the heartwarming effort to give me thoughtful gifts and cards. They have to watch every penny, so I am very grateful.
By contrast, the hours I spent with my eldest son and his family, (two large incomes, house paid for, horses,land,dogs,expensive vehicles, month long exotic holidays ) yielded not one single gift to me from either DIL nor their two (excessively overindulged) college-age children. My son had gifted me a small token present online.
My DIL, a loudly vociferous controller of husband, children and household, was at pains to display to me her generous nature by boasting about the large batch of Christmas cakes she had benevolently baked for various people. A local handiman was gifted by her an expensive designer sweatshirt. Oddly, she admitted to having (for no good reason) opened the wrapped gift I had placed under the tree for my son. My gift for her was untouched.
Twice during my visit she took me and her daughter to fancy shops to flash her card at the vast array of luxury gifts and goodies. None of her purchases was for me.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that she could at the very least have encouraged her children, even if not herself, to indulge me in a Christmas gift? The children would not have had to pay for it themselves, they never buy gifts, despite each having generous personal allowances.
I'm asking this question of Mumsnetters because it may be a generational difference of attitude, and I'm out of touch. I'm trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be hurt nor worried that the children have clearly been brought up to be indulged and think of no-one but themselves. I would not speak to my son about it because doing so may cause trouble between them.
Am I wrong?

Exactly this.

Your son should have sorted the gift for you. It's old fashioned of you to expect your DIL to take responsibility for his side of the family as well as hers.

Gosh you really hate your DIL

It's your sons responsibility to sort his mothers present out. I wouldn't expect gifts from both adults in a couple, gifts come from the whole family. It sounds like DIL hosted you for some time? Taking you out with her?

It just sounds like you don't like your DIL.

I mean, if I could only buy one present for my sibling, their spouse and their kids, yes that concept would be financially fairer. But it has never seemed to work like that in my experience. Their children are very young to be fair and if I ignored them (which I don't want to do), I'd look like an uncaring auntie (or a shirt SIL).

If I had a family, I would probably still just receive an individual present, but my DH and children would also receive presents.

As I said in my comment, it isn't particularly fair, but this is the only way I've experienced Christmas gift giving in Britain.

As others have said, this is on your DS although you said he did buy you a gift but he didn’t wrap and give it to you which is your main issue. I don’t think DIL and GC need to buy you separate gifts. It’s different to your other son who has younger children, they’re keen on making the handmade gifts and cards still but university age children likely won’t give a shit about anyone- too selfish at that stage of life.

My husband has never bought my parents or siblings gifts either, I think that's pretty normal.

I don't understand how you know you haven't received any Christmas gifts when it's only 22nd December.

And literally has received several Christmas gifts 🤯

Thank you all. Your responses have enabled me to see the issue through your generation's different prism.
I visit my family because I love them, all of them. I am not "grabby", as one unkind person described me. In my opinion, the exchange of gifts, greetings and visits is the expression of the real meaning of Christmas. If it's a one sided transaction, that expression is lost. The effort involved in choosing a thoughtful gift for someone is a gift in itself. The giver and receiver then feel equally appreciated.
I hear you loud and clear, you need say no more.

But don't you exchange presents on Christmas Day? Why are you assuming you won't receive any?

Grandchildren don't typically get their grandparents gifts. We never did as children, and my nephews don't get their grandparents gifts.

Your son already gave you a gift, so I don't really see any issues here.

I am of your generation OP, and I would never expect my DS and DDIL to give me separate presents, they give a gift that is from both of them, all the married couples I know do this for family gifts. My DSIS and DBIL give me a joint gift from both of them. Ditto for birthdays.
I'm very grateful and happy to receive a gift from them, I don't count up the number of gifts received, that's seems very childish and odd.

Hm, personally I think the person hurling insults towards a stranger for doing things differently to them is the "mean" one, but there we go.

And no, I've never bought my in-laws anything, just as they've never bought me anything, and DH has never bought my parents anything. So while it might not be "typical" for you, it certainly is for us.

It’s not Christmas yet!

You haven't explained why you think it's your DIL's responsibility, rather than your DS's

With the latest update I’m even more convinced the problem here is the OP. How dismissive to basically say that everyone on MN must be a different generation to her (newsflash op - there are a variety of ages on here, women who aren’t mums at all and - shock, horror - even some men too. So if you’re being told by all those demographics that this is a “you” issue, perhaps you need to reflect on that? The fact you have posted in AIBU, been almost unequivocally told you are, and have flounced off saying it’s obviously just our generation have been bought up badly tells me you never even considered that you might be UR - you thought you’d get everyone here telling you how awful your DIL is…

I’m beginning to question your description of your DIL now to be honest, I’m guessing no-one’s good enough for your son and clearly this is all her fault.

#TeamDIL

You sound very disparaging and judgemental of your DIL.

"your generation"

There are posters on here born in all decades over the last 80 years or so. Why are you trying to imply everyone is from a different generation from you?
As it happens, I'm retired.
I don't expect my DiL to get me presents though - any Christmas (or Birthday) present for me is my ds's responsibility. In just the same way, dh didn't go shopping for presents for my parents when they were alive, and I don't get presents for his parents. They get a present from 'the family' , which would generally have been bought by whoever's child is theirs.

In my opinion, the exchange of gifts, greetings and visits is the expression of the real meaning of Christmas

I'm glad you said "In your opinion", as, whereas, obviously you are entitled to your opinion, it is out of sync with many other people.

I think many of us enjoy spending time with loved ones over a few days off together more than exchanging presents. I mean, literally the meaning of Christmas is 'celebration of Christ' which isn't anything to do with giving and receiving presents either.

I've experienced it a bit differently but I respect what you're saying. Sure for young children I get it, but I don't think it's ok that people should pay out for travel, especially when older and no longer in peak health, and be given a token gift while a family absorbs all their energy and money. It cuts both ways. It's not about the gift, it's about all people being valued, especially at Christmas.

It’s not about a gift being bought specifically by your husband, it’s about a gift being from both of you, doesn’t really matter who physically gets it.

Yes! The evil woman who didn’t do her son’s shopping when he’d already bought his mother a present online! She must just be spendthrift and cruel!!!!!!

Perhaps OP you should see your Christmas gift - the extra one, on top of the one your son bought you online - as a woman you clearly hate having you to stay in her home over the holidays and baking you cakes.

If the token gift is, say, a small box of chocolates or something, then I agree it's a bit harsh. I don't agree that OP should lay the blame of all her disappointment a the feet of her daughter in law. Her son should have arranged a better present.

It isn't Christmas yet?

Maybe the previous gift was ""the gift" or maybe there will be one under the tree for you on Xmas day itself.