Am I controlling for trying to reduce our spending

[Hampersforgoalposts]

DP (married) is accusing me of being “controlling” for trying to reduce our day to day spending.

For context, I am the sole earner, DP has been SAHM for 10 years but our DC are now 12 and 10 so she is looking for some PT work.

We have been spending - in my view - way too much on general day to day living - food, coffees etc. DP doesn’t really seem to care about money, but I’m the one who has to fund everything. I totally don’t mind being the sole breadwinner, but it frustrates me when she doesn’t appreciate that money we fritter away is ‘stealing’ from our retirement.

I had set us a ‘budget’ for household spending. I am not enforcing it, but I keep a weekly Excel of what we have spent versus our budget so we can see how much we are overspending.

I mentioned this weekend how much we are “over budget” for this month, and she went off about me being “controlling” and made out that IABU. Am I?

YANBU. I’ve been a SAHM for 7 years. I always make my cups of tea & lunch at home, I very rarely buy anything like that out. I switched our weekly shop to ALDI. I understood that when I decided not to return to my previous career that cutbacks would need to be made. Likewise I stopped getting my eyelashes and nails done. I would think I was taking the p* out of my DH if I continued spending like I could when I also worked FT.

Are you saying she is completely unwilling to budget at all? You should both be coming to an agreement on how much to spend and how much to save. Is she just not engaging in any discussions at all?

Well it's a discussion. What does your income look like? If your saving like a grand a month, I could see your partners point.

Do you pay into a pension for partner?

I think we need more detail to know if you’re being controlling or not.

Wanting to keep to a budget isn’t a bad thing (and necessary for most people), but if you’re imposing an extremely strict budget when you as a family aren’t struggling for money then that would be controlling. Assuming she does the majority of child and house stuff, her contribution to the family is equal to yours; it’s just not paid.

Could you agree that you each have ££ of personal spending per month (and hers shouldn’t include spending on kids - that should come out of joint money)?

A weekly spreadsheet? Unless you’re down to your last penny, that seems overkill.

While I agree entirely on savings on things like coffee I also wonder if you are being realistic on what things cost now, especially in the lead up to Christmas? Our food shops in general have leapt up so add in a few extras and it really does add up.

Have you found other ways to reduce your household spending e.g shopped about for insurance or energy bills or cut your spending when out or are you expecting all the savings to come from your partner changing what they do?

Yabu to set the budget and say this is it. Yanbu to discuss financial plans including debt, need to saving and telling DW that you need to come up with a budget together.

I am a high earner (150k), so I’ve never felt she should “need” to work, but obviously happy for her to do so to bring more money in. I pay into my pension and her pension (and her LISA - I’m too old for one).

Mortgage is 2.5k per month, and we pay 1.5k per month for our SEN DC1’s private school. As well as pension/LISA contributions, I’m also putting money away each month into an ISA earmarked for the kids university.

We were/are spending around 2.5-3k per month on day to day spending - I’m trying to reduce it to 1.5k

Hopefully if the OP is full time and the partner is not working, she will be managing the insurance utilities and all other household admin, not just her own personal spending.

I do all the household financial admin, as she would just go with the easiest option rather than the best value.

It doesn't matter how much is being spent or saved, at the end of the day, if she's not happy with budgeting then she needs to step up and start contributing. You're a bloody saint for putting up with it. I'd hate to be in your situation. Her not working would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Having someone watch your coffees and tell you not to have them because they earn the money… does that sound controlling? It does a bit.

Sitting down with the budget and deciding discretionary funds each, that the other person doesn’t look at or worry about, is less so. Decide what spending is just pocket money, both decide, and stick with it.

And before I make assumptions, do you have expensive hobbies like 3K bikes or sailing? Because the high income men (and you may be a woman!) I know always seem to have something expensive going on!

Those outgoings sound actually quite tight on one £150k salary (paying way more tax than that as a combined income between two). I wouldn’t sleep at night if I that was my household, relying on one job to fund a massive mortgage and private school fees. Is your job secure? What would happen if you got ill or made redundant?

At the age your children are and the outgoings you have, I am astounded that your wife doesn’t work. She should thank her lucky stars you’re just asking her to be a bit sensible. YA absolutely NBU.

In fact that doesn’t add up at all. Your income must be what, £7,500?

£4k gone straight away on mortgage and school fees. You say you’ve been spending another £3k day to day, so where do all the pension and isa contributions come from never mind all other household bills like fuel, cars, council tax, electricity etc? Are you falling into debt?

Can’t vote without having more details about where the money is going and what is actually budgeted for. You mention food - do you do the supermarket shop and understand how much prices have increased? Coffee - it’s not unreasonable for her to buy a coffee occasionally, whereas if she’s buying multiple in a week then it’s certainly okay to ask her to cut back. Overall you don’t say what you’re including in “day to day spending” - is it everything except the mortgage and the school fees, which you have mentioned separately? If so £1.5k is probably not a high budget for someone who is a high earner.

But, I would say that because she doesn’t work, she probably doesn’t have an understanding of the value of money. Anyone earning their own money probably thinks twice before spending to excess, because they know how hard they have worked to earn that money. It’s much easier to spend someone else’s earnings.

Salary Calculator gives you a monthly net of £7.6K with no pension

£4K for mortgage & school fees

Then there is the cost of running the house, provision for car replacement/house repairs/utilities

I can see that while you have a generous budget for day to day expenses it doesnt necessarily run to being a Lady who Lunches

Have you looked at getting DLA for your disabled child and then Carers Allowance for your wife?

I can understand a feeling of 'look you are just not engaging with this conversation'

Take home is just shy of 8k, net of my own pension contribution. Other bills (utilities etc) are about 500 per month, on top of the 2.5-3k. I do also get an annual bonus, but this isn’t guaranteed - I’ve used this to pay up front for DC1’s school the last 2 years.

Whatever is left over each month goes to her pension/LISA and the kids university fund ISA, but I would like to stay overpaying the mortgage if we had some more left over.

If the 150k is before tax then I imagine you’re in debt.

Not controlling, unless you make financial decesions unilaterally.

Use a budget planner, and go through all your expenses together. Factor in ‘fun’ money and agree a budget together.

You need to be on the same page with money and it sounds like you are not. It would annoy me no end of someone who wasn’t working was splashing cash that meant I had to work more

unless you are making her feed a family of 5 for £40 in which case that would be rather odd

sometimes these things can’t be resolved

We’re not, but I guess my underlying worry is that if I didn’t get my bonus we would be in trouble, and I’m conscious that our younger DC is approaching secondary and I don’t feel great about spending lots on DC1’s education (albeit he needs it) and not spending on DC2

No. I had to get my ex husband to rein it in spending. He called me controlling for making us live from a budget. We would be in debt and important bills unpaid if he was in charge. When I left he has since landed himself in serious debt and issues with things unpaid that cause him problems like rent and tax. If you can see issues financially I don’t see the issue bringing it up. Involve her though with the decision making. She’s probably not as bad as my ex husband though who would have taken money out of the account and spent it that was for bills. If one is better with money than the other work on your strengths.

Everyone should be aware of how much we spend.
I now have a total list of direct debits and the amounts printed out.
The bank statement printed out.
The total amount spent on food per month printed out.
My aim is to reduce this and compare with next month.
It's not controlling , it's being mindful , there are so many offers in the supermarkets and lots of recipes online and it's the whole family's responsibility to be aware.
I don't even buy anything for the home now unless it's truly necessary.
Alot of stuff is a complete waste of money.
Cheap tat and completely understand necessary.
I like a very clean , tidy and minimalist home and to be able to prepare for retirement.
Part time job seems like a very good idea to help with this.

People throw the word controlling around quite often simply because they don’t want to do the thing that’s suggested.

I can’t think of one reason (beyond ill health obvs but that doesn’t appear to be the case here) why if she wants more money, that she shouldn’t work to help provide it.

There may be more to it if course and we are only hearing your side, but on face value she sounds spoilt and completely out of touch

Where do you (and she) think you can make savings? Or does your wife think 1) everything she is spending is essential 2) that you have ‘plenty’ of money so she doesn’t need to budget?

We have a similar household income minus school fees and with a smaller mortgage and although we are lucky to have nice holidays and not ‘worry’ about money we certainly don’t feel flush. With the amount of savings you are managing I think you are doing well given your outgoings. That said we are overpaying the mortgage as we would like to retire at some point and can imagine you feel the same (your wife doesn’t have that incentive.)

Teenagers get even more expensive - 4xphones, haircuts, sets of adults clothes, meals out. It really would help if you wife had an income to help with some of the costs.