Partners adult child just introduced new born baby to MIL, we had no idea

[Starsnsprinkles]

Well technically not my MIL, as not formally married but my partner and I have been together for ever. His relationship has never been "healthy", kids never contact him to say hi or thank him for gifts. They are in there late 20's now but have maintained a relationship with my partner's mum. MIL just rang to say ones turned up on her door step with my partner's ex wife and a 10 week old baby. No one had any idea they were expecting.
Last contact was a text from said adult child saying "I think your a c**t" to my partner it really hurts him, we did not reply. Then heard from sibling they had mental health issues. Now this. MIL was giddy with excitement at meeting her great grandchild but we are dumb founded. I'm gutted for my partner, I don't know what to do (care kid with no bio family so no idea how families deal with this)
I want to at least send money but time of year, no address, partner has just lost job and I'm the only wage. I'm heartbroken
Is this non of my business? Should I step in? My partner is a lovely man but has issues expressing himself (autistic as am i) the pain is palpable. Can I even do anything to help?

I think it’s commendable of DGM to maintain her relationship with the DC despite the fallout.

This is all going to have lots of history attached to it, and you have only heard one side- the best thing you can do is stay out of it , but try to be supportive on the sidelines.

Does MIL generally keep DP in the loop about his adult children or does she not see much of them either? I would imagine she has been involved along the way since DP & ex wife separated because they're her grandchildren.

Families are so complex, there's no
'one rule fits all' I'm afraid. You & DP have been together forever so you should know everything about him, what makes him tick, what upsets him and what's happened with his adult children in the past. The fact that he's lost his job is enough to upset anyone's applecart but news of a grandchild he knew nothing about will have doubly upset him for reasons only you and he will know.

I'd just let him comes to terms with it himself, there isn't much he can do and the least upset caused the better all round. New parents don't need drama, the baby is the most important person afterall. Let the news settle x

You haven’t been together ‘forever’ as he has an ex wife and at least two children to someone else. You have to consider that there is a lot of history probably before you came in to any of their lives. So if they think he’s a cunt - he might well have been 20 years ago. Of course the MIL is thrilled, of course the ex wife is proud as punch. It’s not your situation to resolve but can’t your partner send a text saying something like.

‘Hi, Gran said you have had a baby. She’s absolutely thrilled to bits. So am I, it’s great news. Hope you enjoy your first Christmas with the little one and manage to get some sleep. I would be keen to see you and the baby, maybe 2026 is the year we can try move forward. All the best Dad.

There’s definitely a very good reason why more than one of his adult kids want nothing to do with him and you’re clearly in denial! Why on earth are you with a man who makes no effort with his adult kids?! If it was just one of them that would be bad enough but all of them???? They’re ALL wrong and your partner is right and the victim in it all? Open your eyes, OP!

Stay well clear.

Leave well alone, AC can be uttter arseholes even if not estranged. She doesn’t want a relationship with her father so she won’t want him having a relationship with her child . Concentrate on yourselves

He's obv a dead beat dad, rin away? !!?

Stay out of it. If they wanted your DP in their lives he’d be in them.

I never told my father I had a child. Not because I wanted to hurt my father’s feelings or punish him - but because I didn’t want him anywhere near my child, as he was a chaotic, paranoid, self-centred mess.

I was the adult child in a similar situation.

As a child, my farther stopped turning up to contact when I was 6, i didn't hear from him for 8 years until he reached out when I was a teenager, but by that point I wasn't interested. He never tried again after one letter. In contrast, I always saw my grandmother (his mum) multiple times a year, arranged directly between DGran & DM.

As a result, I have a great relationship with my grandmother, so obviously take my own kids to see her regularly. Meanwhile my farther died a year ago, not having met any of his 7 grandchildren (between me and siblings).

His partner at the time he died felt very sorry for him, and though we were all awful for not gathering round his bedside. She is actually a really nice person, but has been given a very distortion story (I suspect you may be similar)

I can’t understand who has had a baby?

There will be a reason why his child hasn't told him or you and something that affected their care for your partner. Kids dont grow up and cut contact with either parent for no reason.
My dad walked out when I was a baby and then decided he wanted to meet me when I was 11. That actually turned out to be that his ex wife had booted him out and he played the sympathy card where my mum soon realised and told he couldn't stay with us. He told myself and my mum to F**K off and that he never wanted me.
I have never seen him since. Im now 35 and married with 2 children he will never ever meet. He was a drunk and a deadbeat dad who does not even deserve that title. His current wife tried to get in contact and thought she should try to step in as he apparently was depressed that he never knew me I told her straight she then continued to harass me to a point I had to get a restraining order against her.

Its not your place to get involved so stay out of it and ask yourself why his kids want nothing to do with him really.

This isn't anyone's fault. It's not your partner to blame. I'm sorry others on here have been speculative. How about discussing with your DP sending a card, with an open invitation clearly stating a desire to reconent and help. Don't over explain financial or any other restrictions. Don't mention your emotional hurt. Communication is key. Lack of if can lead to other parties assuming lack of care. Offer your love and thoughts. Explain meeting the baby on their terms, when they are ready would be very much wanted. Outstretch the fig leave, from you both.

Leave it be OP. His children don’t want a relationship with him. Just make sure he feels loved by you.

There’s likely a good reason they hate him.