Partners adult child just introduced new born baby to MIL, we had no idea

[Starsnsprinkles]

Well technically not my MIL, as not formally married but my partner and I have been together for ever. His relationship has never been "healthy", kids never contact him to say hi or thank him for gifts. They are in there late 20's now but have maintained a relationship with my partner's mum. MIL just rang to say ones turned up on her door step with my partner's ex wife and a 10 week old baby. No one had any idea they were expecting.
Last contact was a text from said adult child saying "I think your a c**t" to my partner it really hurts him, we did not reply. Then heard from sibling they had mental health issues. Now this. MIL was giddy with excitement at meeting her great grandchild but we are dumb founded. I'm gutted for my partner, I don't know what to do (care kid with no bio family so no idea how families deal with this)
I want to at least send money but time of year, no address, partner has just lost job and I'm the only wage. I'm heartbroken
Is this non of my business? Should I step in? My partner is a lovely man but has issues expressing himself (autistic as am i) the pain is palpable. Can I even do anything to help?

Can you re-explain? It’s hard to follow

One of my siblings has a child that they haven’t told our parents about. They kept it a secret because they don’t want parents to have any involvement with the child. I don’t think getting involved or sending money would help at all in this type of situation. Partner could send a message saying he’s heard about child and congratulations etc and see what the response is, but sounds like the relationship is beyond repair.

None of your business.
Stay well out of it.
You sound lovely, but this is not your mess.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

OMG is there no end to the number of women who rock up here feeling desperately sorry for their 'poor partner' whose children won't see him and treat him like crap. My adult kids don't see their dad. It's because he's been an utter cunt their whole lives. His girlfriend feels so sorry for him 🙄. Stay right out of it OP.

I think the best thing you can do is support your partner to accept that if his son chose not to tell him about the baby, its because he didn't want him involved. Reaching out with money will either be met with a further hurtful rebuff, or lead to you being poorer in pocket but no better off in the relationship.
If your partner wants to mend bridges with his son, he'd be best off contacting him in a casual way to wish him and his family a good Christmas. However he should do this for the sake of resuming his relationship with his child if he wants to. Because without that, the fact he's a grandfather is pretty irrelevant to his life.

Someone else using the fact a man is autistic as an excuse for being a shit dad. I’m afraid your Dps child has shown exactly where they stand as regards their father, and if you weren’t aware before, you will now be aware that it appears you’ve both been cut off.

Surely you can’t think that this now adult child has decided that he wants no contact with his biological father just for no reason.

Autism doesn’t make you a bad parent. Being autistic probably makes me the best possible parent for my autistic child.

Your partner can work on his relationship with his children any time he wants. If he isn’t happy with the estrangement, he needs to take responsibility for his role.

my own father is not happy with our relationship, but he won’t take any responsibility. He just blames my mother and his adult children.

OP’s partner’s adult child.

The fact that you say the kids never contact him as if he is completely unable to initiate contact says everything

your partner is a shit father and now won’t get to know his grandchild, poor him 🙄

Same here. My young adult kids don’t have anything to do with their dad either because he’s shit. He still he managed to find a woman a few months after we separated and they had a child asap because quite frankly they were both too old so had to rush it. Now the baby is here and they are so upset that our kids don’t have a relationship with their new half-sibling who is 20 years younger than them. I think my kids would absolutely hate it if their dad’s new girlfriend started meddling, she wouldn’t have been told the ins and out of their complex relationship.

Me neither.

I voted AIBU, as that was the option. However I think you're just trying to be kind, but would be ill-advised to get involved.

What happened before the last text from his DC and what did he do to try and build bridges after they sent the text?

I agree with others that I wouldn’t get involved but I’d find it hard to support anyone who didn’t have a relationship with their DC, no matter what reason they come up with becauae as a rule of thumb the text would be factual.

This.

Parental alienation?

I'd always be sceptical of a "good man" who is estranged from their kids. I think you are getting very much his side of the story here, the fact he seems to have done absolutely NOTHING wrong seems to suggest he is not telling you the full story. No one is ever 100% in the clear, he must have made some contribution to the current mess.

You say you’ve been together “for ever” so surely you’re well aware of the reason your partners kids don’t speak to him? How exactly are you both dumbfounded?

That's why courts and due process exist.

A father who doesn't fight so see his kids and build a relationship with them, isn't a man I would have time for.

There will always be exceptions but I would expect to see a paper trail of all efforts re access.

Why do you think he and the kids don’t speak to each other? What kind of efforts does he make with them?

I think if your child sends you a message saying you’re a cunt you either want to be looking at yourself and wondering whether to need to change, or worrying about that child. Not just ignoring it and being all astonished ages later when they don’t tell you about their important life events.

I find it hard to be entirely unbiased on threads like this as, both in my personal experience and in my wider life experiences, it’s so very rarely the case that the adult children are to blame for estrangement. It is, of course, not impossible though and so I will endeavour to stay on the fence, splinters and all! There is, ultimately, little to nothing your partner can do here and even less that you can. You need to keep out of it, and allow your partner to choose how best to move forward, or not, with the relationships, and lack thereof, with his children. He isn’t dumbfounded, surely, he knows why the relationship is poor, regardless of who is ‘to blame’ for that.

In an ideal world, but taking legal action can be expensive and lots of people find it difficult to navigate the legal system on their own particularly if they have no experience of it, and aren't the brightest, so I try not to judge too harshly.

Why should it be up to his kids to contact him to say "hi"-he's the parent! SO many men think being a good dad is doing fuck all and saying "they know I'm there for them if they need me" and waiting for the kids to reach out. Then wondering why they have no relationship as the children probably assume the dad just doesn't give a damn. FFS not good enough! And autism is no excuse.

I guess we agree to differ then.

I think most reasonable people would do everything possible to see their child. If it's lack of understanding of the law, they seek advice. There are numerous support agencies. They can also learn to represent themselves in court, or use the resources available to them to do so on their behalf. Engage with social sevices, legal aid, etc.

I don't think "I wasn't bright enough to navigate the legal system" is a good enough excuse to give any child.

And I also think in many of these cases kids are aware that the parent at least tried and failed.