I am in turmoil at the moment… I have been with DP for 5 years and have a 1 year old DD.
I was always aware that DP had anger issues, but during pregnancy and since having DD these have escalated (or this might be my perception as I much more aware of anger around our DD).
In a nutshell, DP has spat at me after arguments when he has been drinking/driving excessively, called me a slag and a slut when angry or intoxicated, but has then cried and said it is my reaction when I ‘push his buttons’ or ‘prod and poke’. I don’t intentionally do this, but I do let him know when he is doing things that’s upset me such as coming back hours later than planned, not answering the phone, or lazing around. He does sometimes cook/clean and take care of DD but it isn’t consistent. He also brings up very personal childhood matters to use against me (leaving home at early age, the death of my father).
I asked him to leave 4 months ago as I need to preserve my DD peace (although remained in a relationship)…. I have in the last 4 months become cold, numb and in his view ‘unloving’ towards him.. which I would agree with. This has become more prominent since I started having coffee with a male friend of several years, and undoubtedly developed feelings for. DP has since made little effort to improve, and cries with frustration, anger but claims to be lovely and fighting for his family. He is desperate to be back in the home, however I haven’t allowed him as the relationship is still volatile from his side. He accuses me of ‘dangling a carrot’ and ‘messing him about’.
He has spoken about paying for relationship counselling (but then demanded I paid half or he wouldn’t attend), and hasn’t moved forward with seeking anger management or help with alcohol, besides saying he is a ‘changed man’.
Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.
The home is my home/mortgage and other than staying at his parents, he doesn’t have anywhere to live and it would be incredibly difficult to find somewhere. He also stopped contributing to bills, as expected, since he left in August. I have so many mixed emotions when he is having a day where he is loving towards me.. emotions of guilt, a new chapter on the horizon, taking DD away from him by not allowing him to be here etc.
Am I causing this, has the friendship with the other man in which I have developed made me cold towards my DP? I feel I wanted (and to a certain extend I still do) to save this family. DP rarely takes accountability unless he is having a teary emotional moment, and this usually happens when he has treated me badly on the phone or when visiting our DD and witnesses me cry or scream with anxiety.
This has left me wondering if I have destroyed the family, and I feel guilty and to blame, even though the abusive behaviour has not come from me. I am selling the house to move closer to my parents, and he is adamant he’d like to move with us, but I have no actions of him changing, just words. He says he needs to live in the home to show me he is changing… I feel I need an opinion on what on earth to do next and thank you for listening/reading….