To want to leave DP… is this abuse?

[TK220440]

I am in turmoil at the moment… I have been with DP for 5 years and have a 1 year old DD.
I was always aware that DP had anger issues, but during pregnancy and since having DD these have escalated (or this might be my perception as I much more aware of anger around our DD).

In a nutshell, DP has spat at me after arguments when he has been drinking/driving excessively, called me a slag and a slut when angry or intoxicated, but has then cried and said it is my reaction when I ‘push his buttons’ or ‘prod and poke’. I don’t intentionally do this, but I do let him know when he is doing things that’s upset me such as coming back hours later than planned, not answering the phone, or lazing around. He does sometimes cook/clean and take care of DD but it isn’t consistent. He also brings up very personal childhood matters to use against me (leaving home at early age, the death of my father).

I asked him to leave 4 months ago as I need to preserve my DD peace (although remained in a relationship)…. I have in the last 4 months become cold, numb and in his view ‘unloving’ towards him.. which I would agree with. This has become more prominent since I started having coffee with a male friend of several years, and undoubtedly developed feelings for. DP has since made little effort to improve, and cries with frustration, anger but claims to be lovely and fighting for his family. He is desperate to be back in the home, however I haven’t allowed him as the relationship is still volatile from his side. He accuses me of ‘dangling a carrot’ and ‘messing him about’.

He has spoken about paying for relationship counselling (but then demanded I paid half or he wouldn’t attend), and hasn’t moved forward with seeking anger management or help with alcohol, besides saying he is a ‘changed man’.

Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.

The home is my home/mortgage and other than staying at his parents, he doesn’t have anywhere to live and it would be incredibly difficult to find somewhere. He also stopped contributing to bills, as expected, since he left in August. I have so many mixed emotions when he is having a day where he is loving towards me.. emotions of guilt, a new chapter on the horizon, taking DD away from him by not allowing him to be here etc.

Am I causing this, has the friendship with the other man in which I have developed made me cold towards my DP? I feel I wanted (and to a certain extend I still do) to save this family. DP rarely takes accountability unless he is having a teary emotional moment, and this usually happens when he has treated me badly on the phone or when visiting our DD and witnesses me cry or scream with anxiety.

This has left me wondering if I have destroyed the family, and I feel guilty and to blame, even though the abusive behaviour has not come from me. I am selling the house to move closer to my parents, and he is adamant he’d like to move with us, but I have no actions of him changing, just words. He says he needs to live in the home to show me he is changing… I feel I need an opinion on what on earth to do next and thank you for listening/reading….

Ask yourself if you would do even half of what he has done to you? Would you sorts on him and call him all sorts of names? The only one who should feel guilt is him.

Also for the love of god be by yourself for a bit, the worst thing you can do is to walk into another relationship. Give your DD some stability. Thats your priority right now.

What is best for your daughter? Be guided by that. That should make everything clear.

Abusers have times when they are grooming you to accept their abuse so don’t be confused by his happier times…the part you have to believe is the abuse, the spitting, name calling etc…that is who they are …accepting the cruelty even if it’s 5% of the time ..feeds the abuse to free it to grow more and more frequent.

Give him the shove, he's not going to change. And take your time with relationships. Don't rush into another. Take your time to steady yourself.

Yes, he is abusive.
You are also dangling a carrot.
You need to end the relationship.

I didnt read your whole post - by the middle of your second paragraph I had concluded that yes this is abuse. Please dont stick around and allow him to continue behaving like this.

Don’t let him back in. End it definitively and move on

You don’t need to be dating anyone new just yet. I just think you’d do well to focus on yourself and Dd for a bit and building a life

I don't know why you are bringing the other man into it.
Your decision to ask your abusive ex partner to live is right. Don't let him back. Change the locks and get a ring camera as a precaution.
Am tell him clearly you are finished with him. He's fine staying at his parents.

He is abusing you pure and simple. You don't spit at people if you are older than 2 unless you are abusing them. I would end it properly before you see anyone else though, if anything because I would be worried about his reaction if he's under the impression you are cheating on him.

Argh! Do NOT move back in with this man. More red flags than a Communist parade.

He spat at you. That is assault.

Throw him out, and keep the other man at arms length, the last thing you need right now is some other wanker worming his way into your life when you are at your most vulnerable (yes there are men out there who prey on women in this way, be on your guard).

Focus on yourself and your child and do the Freedom program.

You seriously need to work on your self esteem OP.

And that you have no responsibility for his actions. Only your own and protecting your daughter.

the guilt you are feeling is a YOU issue. You are allowing yourself to feel that way. You should be angry. All he has done to you, and no contributions for your child since he left.

why arent you angry OP? And what kind of role model do you want to be for your daughter? Someone who drowns in misguided guilt or someone or stands up to make a better life.

These are your choices OP. Not his. Your decisions keep you here or enable you to leave.

Of course its abuse. He has spat at you FFS. That should be an automatic red line.

Do not let him move in again. End the relationship.

And don’t start with the new guy until you have had some therapy and a decent amount of time on your own. The last thing you and your child need is to bring another bloke into the house.

The first time he spat at you was when you should have kicked him out. You are quite rightly protecting yourself and your child. He will have to stay at his parents. Don't let him back. He hasn't changed and he won't.

The greatest gift you can give your daughter is to keep this man out of your home. Please don’t let her grow up thinking being treated this way is normal.

Yes it's abuse, no you mustn't let him come back. He's an idiot for giving up a council house but that's on him. He is a grown man and can make his own way in the world.

He’s spat at you???

That’s assault. You need to leave him.

This is abuse and you should leave him

Your poor child.
You knowingly had a child with an angry man.
A father that spits at and abuses her mother.
What an utterly toxic home.
Sell your house and move away.
Do not go from a toxic relationship into another one.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Do notvallow him near your home and tell him to go to court to get access to your child.
Womens aid can support you.
Ring 101 and ask for advice about hus assault of you.
Spitting is an assault of you.

Yes, it’s abuse. He’s destroyed the family. End it and put this man on child support.

It doesn't have to be abuse for you to decide it's over. You don't have to call it anything but unacceptable to you.

For what it's worth, I think it is. In order for me to leave, I had to find my own anger and decide it's not what I wanted. It took me many years out of it (many much happier years) to see what it is.

Yes abuse. End the relationship.

This is an extremely high risk time for you when you end it but it is absolutely necessary for your long term well being.

I agree with others don’t leap into another relationship. You currently have poor boundaries, this experience has probably eroded them for you which means that at the moment you are in a place where you put up with way too much to be ready for another relationship.

Channel the guilt and anxiety you have towards the impact of you staying with this truly horrific man upon your entirely innocent child.

"He spat at me" is enough justification for you to leave this abusive tosser.

Don't let him back in your house. His living arrangements are not your problem and he will have to go back to his parents.

Preserve your sanity and peace if not for your sake then for your DD's sake.