To want to leave DP… is this abuse?

[TK220440]

I am in turmoil at the moment… I have been with DP for 5 years and have a 1 year old DD.
I was always aware that DP had anger issues, but during pregnancy and since having DD these have escalated (or this might be my perception as I much more aware of anger around our DD).

In a nutshell, DP has spat at me after arguments when he has been drinking/driving excessively, called me a slag and a slut when angry or intoxicated, but has then cried and said it is my reaction when I ‘push his buttons’ or ‘prod and poke’. I don’t intentionally do this, but I do let him know when he is doing things that’s upset me such as coming back hours later than planned, not answering the phone, or lazing around. He does sometimes cook/clean and take care of DD but it isn’t consistent. He also brings up very personal childhood matters to use against me (leaving home at early age, the death of my father).

I asked him to leave 4 months ago as I need to preserve my DD peace (although remained in a relationship)…. I have in the last 4 months become cold, numb and in his view ‘unloving’ towards him.. which I would agree with. This has become more prominent since I started having coffee with a male friend of several years, and undoubtedly developed feelings for. DP has since made little effort to improve, and cries with frustration, anger but claims to be lovely and fighting for his family. He is desperate to be back in the home, however I haven’t allowed him as the relationship is still volatile from his side. He accuses me of ‘dangling a carrot’ and ‘messing him about’.

He has spoken about paying for relationship counselling (but then demanded I paid half or he wouldn’t attend), and hasn’t moved forward with seeking anger management or help with alcohol, besides saying he is a ‘changed man’.

Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.

The home is my home/mortgage and other than staying at his parents, he doesn’t have anywhere to live and it would be incredibly difficult to find somewhere. He also stopped contributing to bills, as expected, since he left in August. I have so many mixed emotions when he is having a day where he is loving towards me.. emotions of guilt, a new chapter on the horizon, taking DD away from him by not allowing him to be here etc.

Am I causing this, has the friendship with the other man in which I have developed made me cold towards my DP? I feel I wanted (and to a certain extend I still do) to save this family. DP rarely takes accountability unless he is having a teary emotional moment, and this usually happens when he has treated me badly on the phone or when visiting our DD and witnesses me cry or scream with anxiety.

This has left me wondering if I have destroyed the family, and I feel guilty and to blame, even though the abusive behaviour has not come from me. I am selling the house to move closer to my parents, and he is adamant he’d like to move with us, but I have no actions of him changing, just words. He says he needs to live in the home to show me he is changing… I feel I need an opinion on what on earth to do next and thank you for listening/reading….

He has spat at you and called you horrendous names and blamed you for provoking him. Yes, this is abuse.

Well done for getting him out of your house. You should make sure it stays this way.

Abuse is highly likely to start during pregnancy so your thought process is right. You cant fix him and you and your dd deserve a safe home environment without walking on egg shells.

First off, much of the behaviour you describe from your partner is abusive, yes.

But I want to address this:
Due to my feelings for another man (which I can’t and could never discuss with him), I question whether I am being unreasonable to not let him back in the home, or whether I am the person in the wrong and intentionally trying to push him away by being cold, which is then heightening the name calling and shouting on his part.

Feeling guilty for developing feelings for someone else doesn't mean you are the problem and so should get back your P. Your P was abusive before this. But even if he wasn't abusive, trying to patch things up when you are drawn elsewhere romantically would be a disaster for both of you. You can't have a good relationship with someone when you are in it because you feel guilty.

Tell him that you have given the situation a great deal of thought, and decided that the relationship is over. Tell him that as far as you're concerned the way he has treated you in the past has damaged the love that you once felt for him irreparably, and however much he may be trying to change, it is too late, the damage has been done, and it cannot be undone.

You say you left home at a young age OP, have you always been looking for someone/anyone to look after you? Think about this. Have you jumped into relationships too quickly, rather than facing life alone? If this is the case, it's all the more reason to end this relationship, as you need to prove to yourself that you are capable of looking after not only yourself, but also your child. Forget the other man for now. He is not the issue.

Put a stop to your partner coming round, so that he doesn't have an opportunity to be loving towards you, as this is just confusing the issue.

End this relationship once and for all, sell the house, and move to somewhere where you have good life prospects and support. Live on your own for at least 12 months, to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing so.

Then, and only then, will you be ready to consider another relationship, but whatever you do, don't leap straight in, take your time, and if you'd like more children, wait to get pregnant again until you feel that you really know the man that you chose to father your next child, inside out.

You have been abused, and he is only being loving toward you now, as he wants back in, so that he has the security of a roof over his head. His parents probably won't put up with his laziness, and his attitude, so he is trying to worm his way back into your home, and if you let him, he will start to relax and the abuse and throwing his weight about will begin again.

DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS!

For your sake and that of your child.

Tell him that you have given the situation a great deal of thought, and decided that the relationship is over. Tell him that as far as you're concerned the way he has treated you in the past has damaged the love that you once felt for him irreparably, and however much he may be trying to change, it is too late, the damage has been done, and it cannot be undone.

I don’t get even the slightest impression the Op would ever do this. Instead too busy feeling guilty about putting him out, rather than the impact on her child

I was in a similar situation to you and it took 5 years for me to be brave enough to leave. Don’t be like me. Don’t put your child through that. Pack his bags and send him on his way.

I agree.
Imagine being so confused that you feel bad for a man this spits at you and a child witnessing it.
Better to self report to social services.

Leave feelings for another man out if the equation. What are you left with? The partner is/ was still abusive. You've done the right thing ending it and getting him out. Don't let him back. He'll know he can wear you down and it will be harder to get rid of him again.

He's abusive, yes. He spits at you and swears/name calls. He does it after HE behaves badly in order to punish you for calling him out. He pretends he is sorry because he has to show a bit of niceness to reel you back in, but it's all self serving crocodile tears.

Let him stay gone. He can find himself a new home. He can have access to his child like millions of other separated people. None of that is your problem to sort. That would still be the case if it was a mutual break up with no abuse.

You're in a vulnerable position and confused. Please try and forget about the other man. It's really not a good idea at this point in time.

I've been where you are and you are 100% doing the right thing in leaving him.

I understand the guilt, it really difficult, and almost impossible to understand if you've not experienced it, but you honestly have nothing to feel guilty about, please believe me.

This. You need strong boundaries not counselling. He needs therapy. Keep him away from you and your house and your child.

He's a hateful man and a bad father and husband. by all means leave him.

However you would be being very unreasonable to take up with this new guy at this point. For one thing your view of him will be clouded by the comparison to your horrible husband, and you won't be assessing him fairly - better is not the same as good enough.

For another, however shit your husband is he is your daughter's father and this is her family unit - its breakdown will be traumatic for her - especially as her father is obviously a dickhead who will not prioritise her feelings or wellbeing - so your attention should be 100% on her and helping her adjust, not on some new bloke.

Give it six months, get your situation settled and a regular custody and contact schedule in place, and then maybe start thinking about dating (keeping that side of your life entirely separate from your daughter).

Obviously he’s abusive. Good if he’s forced to live with his parents so hopefully they’ll supervise when he has contact with your dd. I don’t think someone with his issues should have her alone.