Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve ‘never given DH a decent gift’

69 replies

15541username · 20/12/2025 23:52

I asked my DH what he’d like for Christmas as he’s hard to buy for and he told me if I really knew him, I’d know, AND that I have never in our 20 years of marriage given him a gift he’s liked. AIBU to think this is an outrageous thing to say, even if you think it?!!

OP posts:
DahlsChickenz · 20/12/2025 23:55

There is nothing more annoying than people who won't give you ideas for what they like but who are then snotty when your gift isn't what they like. You can EITHER give no suggestions but be gracious and happy with anything you receive OR you can be particular but give clear suggestions, but you can't be both particular and refuse to provide suggestions.

mummytrex · 20/12/2025 23:56

It was quite a nasty thing for him to say to be frank. Just don't bother going forward. Honestly, my husband and I have never exchanged birthday or Christmas presents (been together 18 years). So much pressure to buy for the sake of it. We put the money towards doing something nice like a holiday/mini-break instead.

DappledThings · 20/12/2025 23:58

This is what I hate so much about presents. People expecting you to read their mind and claiming if you knew them you could find the perfect present. I can't come up with ideas for myself let alone anyone else.

It's such an unnecessary stress the whole presents business. Especially when someone weaponsises it like he has.

HeddaGarbled · 21/12/2025 00:01

That’s abusive. If you really knew him you’d know, won’t say what he wants, then is incredibly unkind about what you’ve given him for 20 years. That’s not annoying, that’s cruel.

Divorce papers, that’s what you should give him next Christmas.

Nopersbro · 21/12/2025 00:06

It's OK to say (ideally tactfully, but clearly) he'd like different kinds of gifts than what you select for him, but the time to say that was at least 17 years ago. As for his claim that if you knew him you'd automatically know what gift he wants - wrong. Even if he's been dropping hints like crazy hoping you'd decode them, not everyone is good at that and he might not be as clear and obvious as he thinks. Does he always instinctively get you gift you love without any direction?

InterestedDad37 · 21/12/2025 00:18

Maybe he really wants divorce papers 🤔

NeedForSpeedyGonzales · 21/12/2025 00:20

Well, is it true?

SandyY2K · 21/12/2025 00:23

I think it's not great that he hasn't said anything in the last 20 years.

The first Christmas I was married DH bought me a gift I didn't like (it was a household kitchen item) and I told him to return it and to never buy me a gift that was a household item again. I said it nicely.

Lesson learned..26 years later and he hasn't. His gifts are always very thoughtful now..

Your DH should have spoken up.

DepRosLil · 21/12/2025 00:31

Depends if it’s true or not?

Have you given him crappy gifts for 20 years?

Wanttobeok · 21/12/2025 00:36

You are asking him what he wants for Christmas less than a week away?

It shows you've not given it much thought doesn't it? He's probably got a valid point

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/12/2025 00:42

He’s not been very polite about it, but if this conversation is recent, then you’ve left it quite late (not really put a lot of thought into it, potentially). And you need to think about if what he’s actually saying is true; have you been giving him crap presents for years? You should know your partner well enough to be able to choose something properly?

TomatoSandwiches · 21/12/2025 00:42

Well now you know how ungrateful he is you'd be best off not getting him a single bloody thing!

CamillaMcCauley · 21/12/2025 00:46

Sort of depends what the reason is that he’s hard to buy for. My ex was hard to buy for because he had incredibly expensive tastes and expected me to buy gifts that were a massive financial stretch for me. He was also the type to buy anything he wanted the second the thought came into his mind, so he lacked for very little!

However if cost isn’t an issue, I have to say that I think 20 years of living with someone is long enough to have a good idea of what they’d like. Can you really not think of anything you are confident your own husband would like?!

HeddaGarbled · 21/12/2025 00:46

Maybe he really wants divorce papers 🤔

Yeah, it does sound like a man on his way out.

Outofthebluetoo · 21/12/2025 00:49

Yes he’s shit but listen up everybody- use the Giftster app - check it out .
saves all those phone calls and emails about what to get so and so etc etc
our family have been using it for about 6 years… sorted 🙂

NNforthispost · 21/12/2025 00:57

What he said was mean. My XH used to say similar to me - and that was after I’d bought what he’d asked for - it was just a way for a mean little man to try and belittle me and manipulate.

He used to buy me shit presents and ignore all of the suggestions I gave (I used to suggest anything from a bunch of flowers or a book to slippers, scarf, non expensive perfume). I’d get a spatula. Or maybe socks. It was never a money issue.

If you’ve been trying to plan a gift and asking him for some time then he is unreasonable. If you’ve only just asked a few days before Christmas then he might feel he’s not important. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mumtobabyhavoc · 21/12/2025 06:46

Sounds like OP touched a nerve. What's the backstory?

QuietLifeNoDrama · 21/12/2025 06:53

It’s very difficult for us to judge from the outside. I think all you can do is reflect on what he’s actually said and try and figure out if there’s any truth to it. It was hurtful, but it’s also hurtful to receive gifts you don’t want by the people who are supposed to know and care about you the best. Only you will know, based on his behaviour if this is him playing mind games or trying to hurt you. But if he’s generally a decent guy the rest of the year and you get on a support each other well I’d start with an apology. Also i do agree with the others if you’ve only just asked this recently then he may feel like a bit of an after thought

NotMySkill · 21/12/2025 06:58

Does he give you decent gifts??

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/12/2025 06:58

Problem with birthdays and Christmas is that you are given stuff that you think “what am I meant to do with that”, or “I don’t need this, if I did, I would have bought it”.

PersephoneParlormaid · 21/12/2025 06:59

He’s an arse. He doesn’t deserve anything.

Bumblenums · 21/12/2025 08:46

Urgh- after 20 years you shouldnt be trying to guess gifts - our conversation around end of Nov - 'DW/DH, what would like you like for xmas? Well I would like a new lego set and some of that fudge I like,' 'ok I want some posh new wellies and a voucher for that restaurant we both like'. That's it. Wasting money on gifts people dont need or might not like is a waste of time. If I see something I know he will like while shopping I'll get it, but otherwise not. However, he is an arse for saying that to you. I've known my DH 20 years and he is a pain to buy for, hence the discussion!

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 21/12/2025 08:47

A lynx gift set? What did you get him last year?

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2025 08:49

There's someone else on his radar.

He looking to split at some point soon.

He's not said a word in twenty years and now he is?

Something else is up. It's not about this year's gift.

gannett · 21/12/2025 09:00

Hmm when women post "he's never given me a decent gift in 20 years" on here they're normally given a lot of sympathy (and told to LTB).

In general I think if you suddenly object to a part of your partner's personality after 20 years, having not previously objected, you're being the arse. So yeah I'd be pissed off too OP. If your gifts weren't thoughtful enough he should've made that point at the start of the relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread