I’ve ‘never given DH a decent gift’

[15541username]

I asked my DH what he’d like for Christmas as he’s hard to buy for and he told me if I really knew him, I’d know, AND that I have never in our 20 years of marriage given him a gift he’s liked. AIBU to think this is an outrageous thing to say, even if you think it?!!

Unfortunately the difference is women are conditioned to put up and shut up. Men aren't under the same pressure to do this - they do tend to speak up earlier. Thus if they suddenly have a change of heart it's odd.

In either scenario, the underlying problem isn't the Christmas present though. It's always about something fundamentally more significant in the relationship reaching a breaking point.

Hence my comment about there potentially being someone else.

What gifts have you given him in the past? Did he say anything at the time. Tbh i do get fed up with poor gift givers and if it was my partner i would expect better. However, he ought to just let you know what he would like since you asked him. So he is being unreasonable but it may also be true that you are a rubbish gift giver.

Tell him he should have spoken up at the time and you are giving him one last chance to give you an idea or he can roll the roulette wheel again. I would also say his comment before was mean and untrue but if he really thinks that then that's on him.

Before we judge him too harshly... what gifts have you got him in the past?

What did you buy him last christmas?

Also, what does he buy you

Been with my husband 18 years and I always ask him what he wants.

There are constantly threads on here where OPs say their husbands always get them crap gifts and there are always plenty of replies from people who think the OP should say pretty much exactly what your husband said to you.

Personally I’d favour a more tactful approach.

However, I think we need some context here. What sort of things do you buy him? Does he buy nice things for you? Do you have other problems in your relationship - is he typically a good bloke or is he often unkind?

I'm hard to buy for so I give my DH a list of named items with links.

We found the stage of being able to just know what to buy each other lasted about 2 years before it came crashing down, presumably with the hormones.

If you are hard to buy for you need to own it, and communicate clearly, not grump secretly for 20 years.

This. If it’s true then it’s not an unreasonable thing to say, although blunt and he could have put it better. If you’ve put loads of effort in and he’s just being rude because he’s angry, he’s being unreasonable. If it’s the former, it’s time to sit down and talk, and listen to how he feels.

It depends entirely on what you’ve been giving him. If he’s an outdoor adventurer who lives in Patagonia and Birkenstocks and you’ve been buying him stone island and Fred Perry then he has a point.

or if he’s the type that gives a list of ideas and every year you go off piste because “you know better” then he may have a point

do you make an effort to buy him thoughtful gifts that you know he’ll love? Or are you a last minute generic voucher and mug giver?

depending on the answers either he is an dick who is about to leave you for someone else or you’re lazy and deserve to be called out.

In my experience whether one speaks up about this sort of thing is personality-dependent and has nothing to do with gender. Certainly I know some women who are very good at stating their boundaries from the off as well as men conditioned to be "stoic" and uncomplaining.

But I agree it's indicative of something deeper. As I always say on these threads, if you feel loved and cherished as the default all year round, birthday and Xmas gifts don't need to be a litmus test of it.

That's an awful comment to make. My husband is difficult to buy presents for, something he realises. He will often give me a list of things he likes, and asks me to pick an item or two from the list. That way, he still gets a surprise but we then both know he'll like it. The fact your husband refuses to help you, by giving you ideas is ridiculous. I've been with my husband nearly 20 years, but I wouldn't have a clue what to buy him! It doesn't make me a horrible wife, it means he's very fussy and I'm more than likely to get it wrong!! There have been a few gifts that I have bought, off my own back, that I knew absolutely he'd like, but they've been far and few between.

Honestly, I’m on the fence without more information. This could be a totally unreasonable thing for him to say, it could be an understandable outburst from someone totally at their limit.

Was this discussion today? It’s very late to have no idea what you’re buying for someone, which makes me sympathetic towards him!

I think it’s so pompous when someone can’t just tell you what they’d like and expect you to always know. Even if you’ve been married for years it doesn’t mean you just know what they want every birthday and Christmas.

And yes, be gracious if you couldn’t be bothered to give ideas to help someone.

Yet on MN, if the man dont read her mind and gets what she wants without telling him its LTB.
I mean after 20year he should know what she likes right.

Same goes for this post after 20 years op you must know something about him.
If in all that time you never got something he likes you havent really thought about it.

What kind of gifts do you get him normally?
I think I need some examples before I decide.

DH means well but his gifts are often either things that are for our joint benefit (like a family holiday or a board game), or relentlessly practical things (like bog standard supermarket tights, or some cheap shower gel ). It's part of his autism and also I expect having had an ex who was frugal to the point of extreme meanness. Even with a wish list (which I set up when he asked me to) he often buys something odd and frustrating. So I tend to set aside some money and buy myself a few gifts around December. He's got lots of other strengths but gift giving isn't one of them

The OP won't be back - the thread didn't go the way she wanted.

And the fact that she's refusing to tell us what she buys him speaks volumes.

Tools.
Vouchers.
A day trip to a race car/bike track let him blow some steam off.
A nice big chunky gold ring or chain.
Nice fancy nickers he will know what that means.
A bottle of his fav drink.
The list goes on.

Most people get the same year after year heres the boring list.
Mens body wash set.
A new shaving kit.
A box of chocolates.
Socks new shoes.
Key rings ect.
People can by this crap themself throughout the year.

Spice it up a bit.

After 20 year and you still dont know what he likes, says a lot on how much you really care.

Up to a point, he is right, but only up to a point. You should know his likes and dislikes and any hobbies. BUT, without being helpful when you ask and being aggressive in his reply, well, he deserves nothing.

What would you say are the most thoughtful and meaningful gifts that you have twine him over the last 20 years OP?

if you’ve bought him trips away, special hobby related things, or treats that he would never buy himself, you might be right. If he gets socks and slippers for every occasion, yabu.

I’ve had this with ex’s around Christmas.
I’ve listened … watched what they were giving attention too when shopping or mentioned / talked about lots … bought what I’d seen and made sure it was right.
In return … socks … spray that they liked .. clothes that they assumed I’d like but never wore anything similar. Most men I know / In my friendship group are like me, conditioned to say thank you and not show they aren’t into the gift given incase of the giver taking offence.
But after years of this sometimes people just can’t hold face anymore.

From the other point of view it is really disheartening getting a present from your life partner of many years which is nothing like anything you've ever mentioned, bought or used. It feels like they haven't taken any notice of you and your life.

I also wondered if he has recently met someone who “understands him better”

We need to know what you've bought him previously, and what he's bought you.

OP has disappeared….