Fall out over Christmas present hiding place. AIBU?

BlendyBendy · 2025-12-20T23:32:06+00:00

There’s lots of backstory, but I want to ignore that for now. DH was tasked with hiding some of the Xmas presents. The garage is more his domaine. There was a large cardboard box which had been opened, which I had asked if he could tape up and hide in the garage (I was going out to work just after it got delivered and he was on a day off). when I got home, I asked “is it done?”, as I had dc with me. He said yes. And there was a smaller box which had the contents printed right across the box. I asked DH to hide that one too. Again, he’s sort of taken on a role of garage organiser, so it makes sense for him to sort. Our DC go into the garage themselves from time to time, so it was meant to be hidden. Anyway, DH was at the shops tonight and I’ve popped into the garage and both boxes are just lying out in clear view - you can’t miss them. And the opened box wasn’t taped. My DC were both upstairs, so I quietly called DH. I composed myself before hand, but asked him what was going on. He instantly became defensive and imo, his tone was aggressive and angry. I didn’t back down and then he said “I’m in the middle of the supermarket, can we speak about this when I get home.” By this point I was upset with how I’d been spoken to and said “I don’t want to speak about it when you get home. Why can’t you just have a conversation without getting angry.” He kept repeating that he couldn’t speak and in frustration, I hung up the call on him. He is now furious with me and wants an apology for the face I didn’t respect his request to talk later. I do understand that was wrong of me, but DH has taken 0 responsibility for how he spoke to me when I called and has said that he wasn’t aggressive at any point. I feel like I can’t say sorry because the conversation shouldn’t have gone the way it did. As I said, there’s a huge backstory, but I’m hoping for some insight into if it’s me that’s the problem here? I fully understand that this story doesn’t paint me in glory. AIBU?

Changingplace · 20/12/2025 23:36

If he’s just done the very simple thing you’d asked him to do there would be nothing to have needed to have the whole conversation about in the first place.

YANBU, why didn’t he just do it, or at least go ‘oops, not quite’ when you asked if it was done?

DappledThings · 20/12/2025 23:36

You both sound unnecessarily tetchy. You had to "compose yourself" before calling him. You were really that distressed about about DC possibly having seen the outside of a box that you had to calm down and couldn't wait till he got home to talk about it?

If he was angry and rude to you then that's not ok either but calling him in the middle of the supermarket shop was a daft move that was never going to well.

Allswellthatendswelll · 20/12/2025 23:37

I think both of you sound like you are overreacting. I'd be a bit annoyed perhaps about the presents but not enough to immediately ring my husband, I'd just hide them myself. I don't know why he is so furious that you rang him. Unless this is a dynamic that is always playing out.

I think the backstory is probably important here?

Poms · 20/12/2025 23:38

I suspect the OP is so angry because there is probably a back story of her DH behaving like this.

BiancaBlank · 20/12/2025 23:38

Not that it justifies the aggressive response, but I’d have waited till he got home to have this conversation.

DryIce · 20/12/2025 23:41

Hard to say, if he's always half arsed at doing jobs that is very irritating.

But you did ring him to have a go at him. You didn't need to ask "what was going on", you could clearly see the boxes so calling was an overreaction

Original poster

BlendyBendy · 20/12/2025 23:42

“you both sound unnecessarily tetchy. You had to "compose yourself" before calling him. You were really that distressed about about DC possibly having seen the outside of a box that you had to calm down and couldn't wait till he got home to talk about it?“

we don’t have lots of money and my youngests main Santa present (which we saved for), was lying in an opened box. For all I knew DC could have seen the stuff as it’s been sitting there for a few days.

OP posts:

LittlePetitePsychopath · 20/12/2025 23:44

Why did you call him?

He couldn’t do anything about it from the supermarket… he should have already done it, but what was your intention when you called?

DappledThings · 20/12/2025 23:47

BlendyBendy · 20/12/2025 23:42

“you both sound unnecessarily tetchy. You had to "compose yourself" before calling him. You were really that distressed about about DC possibly having seen the outside of a box that you had to calm down and couldn't wait till he got home to talk about it?“

we don’t have lots of money and my youngests main Santa present (which we saved for), was lying in an opened box. For all I knew DC could have seen the stuff as it’s been sitting there for a few days.

Which would be a bit disappointing if he doesn't have a surprise but not a disaster. And he may well not have looked anyway.

I'd be apologetic if I'd forgotten something like that but I wouldn't understand why you were calling me to have a go about it when I was going to be home soon. What was the point of that other than to provoke an angry reaction?

CypressGrove · 20/12/2025 23:48

He sounds lazy and he's clearly done a half arsed job of hiding the presents. However I don't think calling him at the shops was a good idea or refusing to discuss it later instead.

CommentHere · 20/12/2025 23:58

I wouldn't have called him. I'd have waited till he was home and reminded him to tape and hide the boxes. Since you did ring him and he asked to discuss at home instead of in the supermarket I'd have fully respected that.

He was totally wrong to just leave the boxes where they could be found but I think you are at fault for the call.

At the risk of sounding juvenile, he started it by not hiding the boxes.

localbutterfly · 20/12/2025 23:59

It sounds like the two of you need to have a face to face conversation about why he agreed to hide the children's gifts and then didn't. I think you made a mistake calling him; it could have waited until he got home and if you were worried about the children finding the gifts in the meantime, you could have put them out of sight until he could hide them where he wanted in the garage. I never got the point of demanding an apology; if the person felt sorry they'd offer it. But if you agree that you mishandled the phone call then it shouldn't be a big deal to tell him you made a mistake, say you're sorry about it, and get back to the relevant topic - especially as it's kind of interesting that he's avoiding it.

It did strike me as odd that you said "DH was tasked with hiding some of the Xmas presents" as if he were your employee or child and not an active partner in the process of Christmas shopping for the children. Could he be resentful of that? Only you know if he's normally a poor communicator, or unreliable, or scatterbrained, etc., but I'd make it a priority to find out what's going on and resolve it together.

SoldTheMovieRights · 21/12/2025 00:07

Changingplace · 20/12/2025 23:36

If he’s just done the very simple thing you’d asked him to do there would be nothing to have needed to have the whole conversation about in the first place.

YANBU, why didn’t he just do it, or at least go ‘oops, not quite’ when you asked if it was done?

I agree with this. Sounds like it's normal behaviour for him not to do what's asked and not be honest about it, so I would be furious about it too.

Original poster

BlendyBendy · 21/12/2025 08:41

DH is furious with me, because I haven’t apologised. But I don’t really understand how this whole thing now depends on me apologising. Where was his apology for not putting the boxes out of sight, for saying he had when he hadn’t, and for talking aggressively to me on the phone? Although he does dispute the third one.

He says that, regardless of what went on up until that point, he asked me to discuss at home and I wouldn’t respect that request, and I owe him an apology for that.

OP posts:

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 21/12/2025 08:47

I think you both need to apologise calmly and sort out whatever this backstory is.

DappledThings · 21/12/2025 08:52

BlendyBendy · 21/12/2025 08:41

DH is furious with me, because I haven’t apologised. But I don’t really understand how this whole thing now depends on me apologising. Where was his apology for not putting the boxes out of sight, for saying he had when he hadn’t, and for talking aggressively to me on the phone? Although he does dispute the third one.

He says that, regardless of what went on up until that point, he asked me to discuss at home and I wouldn’t respect that request, and I owe him an apology for that.

If you're both childishly waiting for the other one to apologise first you have bigger problems than the non-problem that one of your children might have caught a glimpse of a present before Christmas.

He made a minor fuck-up and isn't backing down, you needlessly antagonised the situation by calling him at the supermarket and aren't backing down. You're as bad as each other.

PollyBell · 21/12/2025 08:54

So you wanted to argue about presents with him being in the middle shopping? I would be annoyed if my husband tried that one on me

Bearbookagainandagain · 21/12/2025 09:03

It was perfectly reasonable for him to ask you to discuss it at home. Having a go at him (for something you could perfectly have done yourself) is not an emergency that justifies an argument on the phone in the middle of a supermarket.

Yes he should have hidden the presents better, but it's not a huge deal either.

Allswellthatendswelll · 21/12/2025 10:06

Yes you should have waited until he got home. However it sounds like he fucked up and is now conveniently found a reason for you to be in the wrong and only you. I suspect he has form for this? It sounds like the communication in your marriage really isn't great.

Barnbrack · 21/12/2025 10:10

BlendyBendy · 20/12/2025 23:42

“you both sound unnecessarily tetchy. You had to "compose yourself" before calling him. You were really that distressed about about DC possibly having seen the outside of a box that you had to calm down and couldn't wait till he got home to talk about it?“

we don’t have lots of money and my youngests main Santa present (which we saved for), was lying in an opened box. For all I knew DC could have seen the stuff as it’s been sitting there for a few days.

It's not great, I agree, I'd have been annoyed too.

However, calling him while he's at the supermarket achieved nothing. What would it change? I'd have fixed the issue and brought it up when he got home. That would have been composing yourself. No reason why you shouldn't be annoyed and talk about why and it's on you to decide how much of a problem it is in the grand scheme of things.

It's worth stopping, thinking about what you want to achieve and working through your rage yourself rather than wading in

(I too have previously been someone who would wade in, but it's not effective communication and gets defenses up rather than resolving anything)

Barnbrack · 21/12/2025 10:13

BlendyBendy · 21/12/2025 08:41

DH is furious with me, because I haven’t apologised. But I don’t really understand how this whole thing now depends on me apologising. Where was his apology for not putting the boxes out of sight, for saying he had when he hadn’t, and for talking aggressively to me on the phone? Although he does dispute the third one.

He says that, regardless of what went on up until that point, he asked me to discuss at home and I wouldn’t respect that request, and I owe him an apology for that.

So my husband and I can get stuck in these loops and it used to drive me mad that I'd have to apologize to sort things out. Over the years though we've discussed that when calm and realised it's never the small things were bickering about making things escalate it's these patterns of feeling blamed, feeling attacked, feeling disregarded etc etc.

You both have to want to get out of that loop and it takes a lot of communication to achieve it. We still get sucked I to those patterns when stressed (Xmas prep being a prime example)

wombat1a · 21/12/2025 10:19

You telephoned him to complain?? This automatically puts you in the BU box, this is not something I would 'compose myself' and then 'call' over, it would certainly be something I would bring up when they are home. Your DH was perfectly within his rights to say he was in the middle of shopping and wanted to wait until he got home.

You are the one that need to apologise over the attitute on this one. He need to apologise for doing a half-assed job.

Letthemeatgateau · 21/12/2025 10:29

wombat1a · 21/12/2025 10:19

You telephoned him to complain?? This automatically puts you in the BU box, this is not something I would 'compose myself' and then 'call' over, it would certainly be something I would bring up when they are home. Your DH was perfectly within his rights to say he was in the middle of shopping and wanted to wait until he got home.

You are the one that need to apologise over the attitute on this one. He need to apologise for doing a half-assed job.

This.

What was the point of calling him in the supermarket? If this had happened in our house I'd have rolled my eyes, said to DH did you realise you'd forgotten to tape up the box, and that would be the end of it.

Obviously this is without your 'huge backstory'.

ProfMummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 21/12/2025 10:32

If you believe he won't apologise if you go first then ask him outright if you apologise then will he? If he won't then you'll know all he wants is you apologising so he can lord it over you.

I suppose if you're at an absolute stalemate you can each write it down and swap notes at the same time. Childish but the silliness of it all might help to diffuse things.

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/12/2025 10:38

Why do you keep saying he was aggressive when he was just saying that he didn't want to talk about it in the supermarket and can we talk at home? That isn't aggressive?

Sounds like neither of you think you are in the wrong but I think you both need to take responsibility for how the call went, apologise to each other (him for not hiding the presents properly and you for trying to continue with the call, which lets face it, isn't the kind if call to have when in the supermarket) and move on...or let this spoil Christmas?