Fall out over Christmas present hiding place. AIBU?

[BlendyBendy]

There’s lots of backstory, but I want to ignore that for now.

DH was tasked with hiding some of the Xmas presents. The garage is more his domaine. There was a large cardboard box which had been opened, which I had asked if he could tape up and hide in the garage (I was going out to work just after it got delivered and he was on a day off). when I got home, I asked “is it done?”, as I had dc with me. He said yes.

And there was a smaller box which had the contents printed right across the box. I asked DH to hide that one too. Again, he’s sort of taken on a role of garage organiser, so it makes sense for him to sort. Our DC go into the garage themselves from time to time, so it was meant to be hidden.

Anyway, DH was at the shops tonight and I’ve popped into the garage and both boxes are just lying out in clear view - you can’t miss them. And the opened box wasn’t taped.

My DC were both upstairs, so I quietly called DH. I composed myself before hand, but asked him what was going on. He instantly became defensive and imo, his tone was aggressive and angry. I didn’t back down and then he said “I’m in the middle of the supermarket, can we speak about this when I get home.” By this point I was upset with how I’d been spoken to and said “I don’t want to speak about it when you get home. Why can’t you just have a conversation without getting angry.” He kept repeating that he couldn’t speak and in frustration, I hung up the call on him.

He is now furious with me and wants an apology for the face I didn’t respect his request to talk later. I do understand that was wrong of me, but DH has taken 0 responsibility for how he spoke to me when I called and has said that he wasn’t aggressive at any point. I feel like I can’t say sorry because the conversation shouldn’t have gone the way it did.

As I said, there’s a huge backstory, but I’m hoping for some insight into if it’s me that’s the problem here? I fully understand that this story doesn’t paint me in glory.

AIBU?

Sorry what did you want him to do about it while he was in the supermarket?

If DH had rang me with something like this I probably would have said sorry and let’s talk when I get home. Did you just want him to apologise on the phone? If so it’s not much different to him apologising at home.

Now he shouldn’t be ignoring you either, and he’s probably deflecting from the fact he knows he fucked up, but I can’t get my head around why you didn’t just speak when he got home and could’ve done something about the problem.

Agree with all the comments why call him whilst he was at the supermarket? And you had to compose yourself before you spoke to him? I’m guessing you don’t like him because of whatever happened in your “backstory” and you are just looking to start an argument. If my DH did this I would have either taped the box up properly myself or asked him nicely to it again when he got home

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions here – you assume he would sort it because ‘garage is his domain’. You assume he knew what you were referring to when you asked ‘is it done?’

You say he spoke to you aggressively and he says he didn’t, but no one here knows the contents of that discussion. You allude to ‘backstory’ but don’t say what that is.

From my view, it’s impossible for an outsider to weigh in.

But calling him at the supermarket to have a go was the wrong move.

I feel like the backstory explains what this is really about. Cause it isn't about a few boxes and a phone call.

He should not have half assed hiding the presents. You should not have had to compose yourself before calling him. You should not have called. He should not have been aggressive on the phone. You should have respected his request to talk later. You do not need to apologise.

Big overreaction from you.

Tell them the apologies need to come in chronological order. You’ll apologise for not hanging up when asked when he’s apologised for the things he did that led to that point.

As a one off, this is a none event. You were in the garage, tape the box and move on. Nothing DH could do from the supermarket.

So, the back story here is what means this small thing has tipped you over the edge.
There are obviously issues in the relationship. Work on them, or work on separating. The current situation isn't sustainable.

Am I the only one who would have put them away (no shaking and crying), waited until he got home from the supermarket, then had a quiet chat “the kids still believe in Santa, let’s keep the magic up etc”

Do the children go in the garage? If they don't the presents are hidden just by being in there. Why didn't you just put them out of sight or cover them with a dustsheet and talk about it when he got back. Hardly seems worth ringing him about, nothing he can do when he's not there.

Honestly I think this is petty and ridiculous on both sides, which I'm sure the 'huge backstory' would illuminate.

He was a bit useless not hiding the presents as requested, but perhaps thought it unlikely the kids would go in the garage in the next week so thought plonking them in the garage was suitable.

You've enormously overreacted. You shouldn't have needed to "compose yourself" to discuss a minor annoyance and you shouldn't have rang him while he's in the supermarket to start a fight (I'd have been snippy if someone had done that to me too and I'm quite level headed, supermarkets are absolute hell this time of year). What was he supposed to do about it from the supermarket? He was correct to want to speak about it like grown ups when he got home, people having domestics over the phone in shops are really embarrassing.

Whatever the backstory is it's created an environment where every molehill becomes a mountain by the sounds of it. Most people would be able to shrug this off as a miscommunication, you two have turned it into open warfare. Lovely environment for your kids at Christmas! Both of you need to either sort out whatever it is that's going on between you, or sort out separation.

Yeah, you owe him an apology, OP.

I could decorate the garage with my kids Christmas presents hanging from baubles and it wouldn’t matter because they don’t go in the garage. What are the chances of your kids actually seeing this box in the garage and deciding to look inside it?

Apologise or not but if you don’t both get over yourselves you’re actually going to spoil Christmas and that will be far worse for your kids than seeing a present early.

Fwiw, even if he was in the wrong, I’d not be impressed at taking a call with the sole purpose of berating me whilst I was out shopping.

I feel like this is how I’d have tackled it too.
No backstory here - I’m sure op has a long list of backstory issues.

Why are the dc allowed to just wander into the garage of their own accord though; we don’t have one attached to the house but my grandparents did, they kept all sorts of stuff in there which could have been dangerous to us as kids so they kept it locked with a key. We thought it was very exciting when we did get to go in there!
Maybe lock your garage to avoid the stress?

Exactly!

This amount of drama is ridiculous - how can this have caused such a big deal?!

Apology? Is he fucking kidding? Is he always a lazy, gaslighting cunt who doesn't understand the word "sorry"?

He should have done what he was supposed to do. He should have immediately apologised for not doing it. If he's regularly this much of an arsehole, you have a husband problem.

My husband does shit like this, finds something he isn’t happy about, can’t wait until I get home and calls me when I am in public places or with friends and I get very angry. Why couldn’t you simply discuss when he comes home.

He sounds emotionally volatile. The fact you tried to have the conversation when he wasn't there and had to compose yourself beforehand suggests he frequently blows up about things.

On his side, I would be a bit frustrated/annoyed if DH called me when I wasn't even at home to complain about something I supposedly hadn't done (esp if I felt I had done it) but then I probably would have calmed down by the time I got home and not demanded an apology.

So I reckon either he feels like this is a repeated issue where you're constantly getting at him, or your tone was unnecessarily harsh, or he's extremely sensitive and controlling and feels you don't have the right to tell him what to do ever.

The first two can maybe be fixed, the last one not.

I doubt it’s about spoiling a surprise, but about ruining the Santa myth, which is a big deal for young kids.

I would have been annoyed too, OP - I think it’s an oft-seen dynamic of Wife asking Husband to do something in a particular way, Husband thinking she’s being unnecessarily fussy and doing it in his own half-assed way, and then Wife getting annoyed when she’s proven right. It happens all the time. Next step is that he feels justified in calling you a nag

I don’t think phoning him was appropriate. But I can see why you did.

Because they very obviously have previous major issues.

The kids didn't see the presents though so crisis averted.

I wonder this^ as well and still not sure how to deal with it 🤔

There’s lots of backstory

There had certainly better be, because if there’s not, you sound incredibly difficult and OTT.

The husband is unreasonable for not doing the hiding properly in the first place and you were unreasonable to call him about it rather than waiting until he got home . I can’t understand why you didn’t just tape up the boxes and then mention to him later that you’d done that because you were concerned about the kids finding the presents . None of this is a big deal and certainly not worth an argument .

Are you married?

I put YABU because you were, for trying to persist in a row when he was in the supermarket.
YANBU for expecting him to do the (likely) one contribution to Christmas he was ever going to make and to cock it up.