Fall out over Christmas present hiding place. AIBU?

[BlendyBendy]

There’s lots of backstory, but I want to ignore that for now.

DH was tasked with hiding some of the Xmas presents. The garage is more his domaine. There was a large cardboard box which had been opened, which I had asked if he could tape up and hide in the garage (I was going out to work just after it got delivered and he was on a day off). when I got home, I asked “is it done?”, as I had dc with me. He said yes.

And there was a smaller box which had the contents printed right across the box. I asked DH to hide that one too. Again, he’s sort of taken on a role of garage organiser, so it makes sense for him to sort. Our DC go into the garage themselves from time to time, so it was meant to be hidden.

Anyway, DH was at the shops tonight and I’ve popped into the garage and both boxes are just lying out in clear view - you can’t miss them. And the opened box wasn’t taped.

My DC were both upstairs, so I quietly called DH. I composed myself before hand, but asked him what was going on. He instantly became defensive and imo, his tone was aggressive and angry. I didn’t back down and then he said “I’m in the middle of the supermarket, can we speak about this when I get home.” By this point I was upset with how I’d been spoken to and said “I don’t want to speak about it when you get home. Why can’t you just have a conversation without getting angry.” He kept repeating that he couldn’t speak and in frustration, I hung up the call on him.

He is now furious with me and wants an apology for the face I didn’t respect his request to talk later. I do understand that was wrong of me, but DH has taken 0 responsibility for how he spoke to me when I called and has said that he wasn’t aggressive at any point. I feel like I can’t say sorry because the conversation shouldn’t have gone the way it did.

As I said, there’s a huge backstory, but I’m hoping for some insight into if it’s me that’s the problem here? I fully understand that this story doesn’t paint me in glory.

AIBU?

Wtf? You argued about this? This really isn't about the boxes is it?

Without the "huge back story", YABVU. He hid boxes badly, hardly crime of the century. The fact that you immediately rang him to confront him, and insisted when he said he couldn't talk, is completely OTT and frankly infuriating.

It sounds like the huge back story might provide context, because as it stands you're being massively unreasonable.

If my DH rang me while I was in the supermarket to complain at me about something as minute as hiding presents, I would be really pissed off.

What is the backstory here? Because on the face of it, you sound massively unreasonable.

He’s deflecting and DARVO-ing because he knows he’s wrong. Honestly unless he grows up and knocks this shit off there’s probably not a lot of hope for longevity in this relationship. There’s no reason for him not to have done the simple task of hiding the presents unless he’s being immature and defiant (“I’m not going to do what she tells me to do”). That’s also not a great sign in a relationship, particularly because men tend to struggle to have the self-awareness to understand that they’re doing shit like this. You can try counseling as a last ditch effort to get him to break the cycle of being petulant, letting you/the kids down, and then getting angry and attacking when you’re upset.

DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

You've hinted at a backstory and I think that's clear. I agree that it was pointless ringing him up in the supermarket because even if he was sorry and did take accountability you couldn't have a meaningful conversation about it. However, the fact he will not discuss anything without an apology when it was his mistake originally reeks of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender).

When you say he's furious, how does that manifest? Will he engage at all about the fact he lied about doing a simple task and ignored it? I suspect though this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I really couldn’t be bothered to waste so much energy about some cardboard boxes… Just tape them up yourself? The time is took to make the phonecall and have an argument it could have been done?

You were wrong to phone your DH when he was out, if I had got such a call when I was in a supermarket, I would have been annoyed and would have disconnected the call. Your DH is wrong now to demand an apology and be sulking.

If this had happened here, I would have being momentarily annoyed and then thankful that the kids hadn’t seen the boxes. When DH got home I would have said I was annoyed at him being so slapdash and then moved on from it. But that’s without any back-story and DH isn’t someone that leaves all to me.

Don’t take this the wrong way op but as someone who’s been there it sounds like the backstory must be huge. It sounds like you’re both on edge, also like perhaps you were expecting/ waiting for him not to do it and like he was too ready to fight back. I think you both need to talk/ figure things out/ realise you both need to calm down and figure out how to make life easier again

There must be a massive back story to warrant so much drama over something that at worst, should trigger a muttered 'ffs'.

YABU for calling him when he was out, there was no need for that. Hw BU for not hiding the presents like you asked him to.

Are you one of those boring weirdos who can never make a good argument and desperately try to deflect and derail?

Yes, I am. No, it doesn't matter. My comment is accurate. HTH.

Yes, she is probably pig sick of him ignoring her every request, especially an important one like this.

As told by the OP he was rude, argumentative and did not apologise. The normal response would be "Oh, bugger, sorry I forgot!" Not this bloke though.

Phoning him over this lazy arsed behaviour would indicate she is absolutely fed up with every request made to him being like pulling teeth.

And of course, if she then reacts negatively to being treated like she's invisible and inaudible she is being a nagging wife and must tone police herself and only smilingly and sweetly ever offer the tiniest criticism, when he decides it is acceptable for her to do so. So it's doormat or nag, and he gets to choose.

At least, based on what she has told us, which is all we can go on of course.

Nagging, as the saying goes, is just the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Touchy!!

A happy, healthy relationship doesn't turn into this over 2 boxes not being hidden. Definitely more going on in this relationship, this is just the straw that broke the camels back.
Couple counselling:
Effective communication needs to be developed- you both aren't successfully communicating.

It sounds like the huge back story is huge enough that it ruined your relationship. There’s no communication, respect and no love. You either thrown in the towel or both try to fix this before it becomes even more toxic.