Who makes packed lunch?

[Icantremembermyusername]

Hi! Looking for your thoughts because I am either the worst mum in the world, or just have average expectations.
DD (yr10 / 14 years old) asked if she could change from school dinners to packed lunches last September. I agreed, but only if she was responsible for washing her lunch box and preparing her meal. I buy all the ingredients but after years of packed lunches preparation, I’m done. She’s been having packed lunches since September.
She’s really pissed off. She thinks it’s too hard. That I should make her lunch. Also, I don’t make her breakfast unless it’s a special occasion.
(Single parent, produce tea every night, clean and launder, iron, provide mum taxi, spending money…)
I make minimal effort for my lunch. Half a tin of soup and 2 slices of bread. It’s not as if I’m making amazing lunches and excluding her!
Am I being “cruel” expecting a 14 year old to make her own breakfast (I do pancakes, etc, on weekends and for special occasions) and packed lunch without a fuss?
YABU - you should cater lunch
YANBU - she needs to make her own lunch

YANBU. You've given her a choice; school lunches or providing things for her to pack a lunch from. She's made her choice.

Packing a lunch every day for yourself can feel a bit tiresome to do, but that's life! I think 14 is a good age to be aware that having things you want often requires a bit of boring work.

My 8yo makes his own packed lunch. He can also get his own breakfast. There’s nothing difficult about these meals.

My DC have always had school lunch at secondary, if they wanted to swap to packed lunch I'd say the same as you. I'm done with making packed lunches!

My 9yr old sorts her own breakfast.
I do her packer lunch when she has one but once she’s in secondary school she’ll do it herself.

I make my own up in the morning so I’ll do their fruit salads as well but they are in charge of the hot foods they take to school.

My 12 yr old has been making her own packed lunches since moving to secondary, and making her own breakfast since I can’t remember when. If your DD wants a packed lunch, she can make it herself.

I do but that’s because I’m making mine so I might as well make it x 3, I’ve got the bread and everything out anyway. I make it the night before while I’m making dinner.

While she’s capable, she’s finding it hard in some way. It’s possible she’s got a friend whose lunchbox looks amazing and comes with love hearts and messages 😁 like on TV.

You could, if you wanted to, give her some attention by joining in the prep- telling her you’ve put some X aside for her to have, or ming suggestions.

Re breakfasts, I used to cook a tray of sausages alongside the dinner, that DCs microwaved for a sausage sandwich every morning. Protein at breakfast is really good for various reasons. Serotonin, I think.

Basically you aren’t unreasonable to leave her to it, and as a matter of principle shouldn’t just take it on.
However you could give her some TLC and attention with the breakfast/lunch situation in case that’s the underlying issue.

Am I the only one that still makes all my kids breakfast in the morning? Even the teenager 😂

They're obviously capable but I quite like doing it. I also make everyone's packed lunch, I take my own to work so do husbands and kids as well, no point us all doing it separately.

I don't think yabu at all.

The washing the lunchbox is a little strange maybe...like it's being made into a deliberate job when it could just be washed up with everything else after dinner (which tbh DS11 never helps with).

I make DS's lunch but I'm quite happy to and do my own at same time and mornings are fairly chilled here as I WFH/locally. Sometimes I make his breakfast...sometimes he does. (ETA that's not to say I think this is right or wrong).

PS DS has a cheese sandwich (bakery bread!), veggie sticks and varying fruit for his packed lunch. I always thought this was OK. Bit deflated to see on here that a cheese sandwich isn't deemed good enough!

My DD has been making her packed lunch (including hot lunches when she wanted) since primary (she’s almost 14). Your DD is having you on!

14 and 16yo make breakfast and lunch. Have done since y7.
They also regularly manage egg and bacon for breakfast if they can find any in the fridge.
I work with kids and I'm endlessly disappointed by the number of kids in high school who aren't allowed to boil pasta or use the toaster - or primary kids who aren't allowed to poor their own milk incase they spill it.

I once had a parent of a 15yo tell me that if he wanted a brew at uni he'd have to find a nice girl ... We had words. The following week he'd cooked pizza and prepped the veg for Sunday dinner.

Definitely not being unreasonable about packed lunches or breakfast.

My older kids asked for packed lunches in primary school and I said the same as you - if they make it then they can take it. The lunch I provide is a school dinner - if they want something different then they make it!

Breakfast has been a “self-serve” meal here from about age 7. Cereal etc is in an accessible place and they are capable of making it and adding raisins/apricots etc to the top to make it more interesting. Fruit in the fruit bowl and yoghurt in the fridge. Help yourself when you want to. Adults offer to make toast for the smaller children.

I offer to make lunch at the weekend, but the older kids would rather make their own.

I make dinner every night!

I give my kids a weekly budget of £10 to spend at school on snacks and lunches, plus provide plenty of stuff to make packed lunches with. If they don’t spend the money at school they can keep it as pocket money. They both make packed lunches every day without a fuss because they want to save the money for something else.

My DD is 11 and she gets her own breakfast and makes her own lunchbox, and since September her little brother's too. She's been doing this for a good couple of years now. She moans about it sometimes, but overall seems to like the responsibility and freedom.

Obviously I make sure that cereal, pastries, bread, wraps, yoghurt, fruit, veg etc are all in plentiful supply and will always ask her if there's anything different she wants me to buy when I'm doing the online food shopping.

Edited to add that I'm a single parent with a full time job. If I was a SAHP I'd probably be doing breakfasts and lunches for all of them every day!

Good morning!
it’s been interesting reading other people’s views.
The packed lunch components she wants are readily available in the kitchen and are in date and not mouldy :-)
The reason she’s in charge of keeping her lunch box clean is that she doesn’t leave it in the kitchen / bring it down when asked. If it was on the worktop I’d wash it when doing the dishes, but I’m not going upstairs to take it out her school bag and definitely not washing it when she appears in the kitchen as I’m leaving to go to work!

Love the way you think a “cheese sandwich” isn’t a proper lunch.

Life is going to bite the child really hard in the bum if she thinks making her own packed lunch is out of the question.

What does she do around the house to contribute?

At her age she should be doing her fair share of chores. Loading/emptying the dishwasher, bins, hoovering, putting washing away etc.

I did all lunches for years, DH, adult DC, even for brother who worked with DH a few years. I still do adult DS, yes he is capable, but takes forever and he appreciates it, whereas I can do it whilst waiting for kettle to boil. He doesn’t have them everyday.

Don't get me wrong, I love a cheese sandwich but it's not something you'd be wanting your kids to have for lunch EVERY day.
But OP has clarified since that she is capable of making a decent lunch.

I think you might have to spoon feed her a bit to get her in the habit. It does sound like she sees it as a massive chore and can't be arsed to be honest. I imagine at 6pm "is your lunchbox out of your bag for tomorrow" and prep sandwiches on a Sunday together. Then in the mornings initially you might have to just lay out the frozen sandwich, fruit and snacks on the side for her to pack. Then gradually get less and less involved. Whilst she is 14 she might not yet be mature enough to see the benefit in doing something that'll seem so mind numbingly boring to her.

Mine started making their own lunches at the top end of primary school. I hate making packed lunches disproportionately to the effort. I still do breakfast mostly because I like them to have breakfast and they leave very early (which is my fault for choosing a school far away). They have breakfast wraps and eat the on the way. For some reason I don’t mind doing breakfast but absolutely hate doing lunch.

I make lunch for DC every morning, roast chicken, rocket and some onion chutney on granary or wholemeal rolls, or rare roast beef sandwiches without horseradish, because what would possess sane people to use horseradish. Or in the depths of Winter, soup or Spag Bol in a flask with ciabatta.

I sometimes, once a week or so, send a sandwich in for one of their chums, not because they are starving and not fed, but they like my sandwiches so why ever not.

If I didn’t make them for DC they would probably take some brioches with jam. DC is youngest in a busy and noisy household so forages for their own breakfast and will normally have cereal, brioches, pan au chocolat or bagels.

DC older siblings had the same and are well rounded, independent young adults who can cater for themselves so I don’t see the need to alter my approach and can make life a little easier for all, so I do.

I have no issues with this. My daughter is autistic so has the same lunch for months at a time. My kids know they need protein, fruit or veg, a carb, a healthy snack and a treat snack. How they combine this list is entirely up to them

My teens make their own lunch and help themselves to breakfast. If I’ve gone to the supermarket the night before, sometimes they get a ready made sandwich. They both hate the school canteen since it’s changed caterers.