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Original poster

Rough idea what would be fair in divorce.

85 replies

FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 15:28

Hello all,

Looking for some rough advice, a starter for ten, to get my head around what would be reasonable in a divorce.

My husband and I are separated and sleeping in different rooms in our house. There has been no intimacy for years. I won’t bore you with the details but I can’t bear to live with him or go on like this any longer. I believe we could do this amicably for our children. There is nobody else involved on either side.

Children are 6 & 7. No wraparound where we live and no family help… but I have a school hours job that I currently earn £17k pa in. I could potentially take on some additional work from home (my qualifications lend themselves to this fortunately). I do all school drop offs and pick ups and would likely keep doing this.

Husband works extremely long hours , often gone 7-7. Doesn’t tend to work weekends unless there is a hideous deadline. Earns 90k pa.

House is worth around £400k and the joint mortgage on it is £110k atm.

I would like to remain the primary carer and I don’t think my husband would challenge me on this, he is a workaholic.

I am thinking of asking for 2/3 equity in house plus some maintenance (a few hundred a month). I would like to stay in or near our current village and am happy to buy a basic 3 bedroom semi (where we live is quite cheap). Currently we have a huge Georgian house. There aren’t any other assets really. I don’t think I could afford to stay in this house on my own.

I would be happy to leave pensions alone.. mine in tiny and my husband probably has more but I am a lot younger so have longer to “save up”.

So in theory it could go-

Me - 190k of house proceeds (could by a basic house outright for this around here), my salary plus maintenance and hopefully some child benefit (never had it before).

Husband - 95k equity, keeps most of his salary. (He could easily afford a mortgage).

Could I ask people’s thoughts please?

(i know he’d be happy to continue as we are for ever more, despite him being quite unhappy and having no intimacy either … but it’s me that will propose divorce)

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
randomchap · 19/12/2025 15:34

Get proper legal advice.

What seems fair to you now may look unfair at a later date. A solicitor with experience will be able to guide you.

RandomMess · 19/12/2025 15:36

His pension could be worth an awful lot more than the equity in your home.

You need to factor in all sort of eventualities.

Goodadvice1980 · 19/12/2025 15:38

His pension should be taken into consideration.

Not sure if a Mesher order would be appropriate for the home.

Phylllis · 19/12/2025 15:46

What do you want contact (overnights) to look like?

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 15:47

Thanks.

Im not sure a mesher order would work … perhaps for a short term. But it would be very expensive for me to stay here and him to get another place. I don’t particularly want the responsibility of this big old house, even if he kept paying the mortgage.

OP posts:
MandemChickenShop · 19/12/2025 15:51

Thoughts....add up all the assets accumulated since you got married and divide by 2 to get a baseline

Mauro711 · 19/12/2025 15:53

You can't really pick and choose what goes into the pot. All marital assets gets included, then divided and if it seems fair a judge signs off the financial settlement at the end. You will most likely get more than 50% of the assets if you will continue to have almost full responsibility for the children and earn significantly less. Child maintenance is easy to work out by using the government calculator. You probably won't get spousal maintenance though, he's not on crazy money.

Mauro711 · 19/12/2025 15:55

FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 15:47

Thanks.

Im not sure a mesher order would work … perhaps for a short term. But it would be very expensive for me to stay here and him to get another place. I don’t particularly want the responsibility of this big old house, even if he kept paying the mortgage.

Courts tend to favour clean breaks these days so it's very unlikely that you would get a mesher order, and as you say, you don't need or particularly want it.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/12/2025 15:56

Can not possibly advise without knowing what his pension pot is worth.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 15:58

I think you would get more than that. That plus half his pension I expect. Obviously you would get child maintenance, I think it will be around £1k a month on his salary, and EOW, but haven’t done the maths. There’s calculators that you can work it out from.
my figures weren’t massively dissimilar and I got spousal maintenance too but assets were 50/50 as we weren’t aware anything else was a thing!

Ophy83 · 19/12/2025 16:01

If you took 50:50 assets and he had the kids 1 night per week, you'd probably be looking at circa £1k per month in child maintenance (from government calculator). So you need to work out whether a higher split of assets and reduced maintenance is preferable. I'd speak to a solicitor

Snorlaxo · 19/12/2025 16:04

Have you tried a CM calculator and see what it suggests as CM? I would put in one overnight a week and see what it suggests as a minimum figure for CM.

Problem with a Mesher is that you would have the problem of securing housing when youngest turns 18. House prices will probably have risen more than your salary so a clean break and finding a property now will be best for everyone. Your ex is unlikely to be able to afford current mortgage and rent/mortgage for his new home.

Buying a cheaper home is also a good idea as it means cheaper bills like council tax and utilities.

I think that you should find out how much pension he has before agreeing to giving up any claims to it. You might want some so that you have a cushion later.

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:07

Snorlaxo · 19/12/2025 16:04

Have you tried a CM calculator and see what it suggests as CM? I would put in one overnight a week and see what it suggests as a minimum figure for CM.

Problem with a Mesher is that you would have the problem of securing housing when youngest turns 18. House prices will probably have risen more than your salary so a clean break and finding a property now will be best for everyone. Your ex is unlikely to be able to afford current mortgage and rent/mortgage for his new home.

Buying a cheaper home is also a good idea as it means cheaper bills like council tax and utilities.

I think that you should find out how much pension he has before agreeing to giving up any claims to it. You might want some so that you have a cushion later.

Oh… it’s says £935 pcm 😳

OP posts:
MsCactus · 19/12/2025 16:07

How much is in his pension? Some pensions have excess of a million £ in them, you're entitled to 50% of that, so it could be much higher than the house equity you're getting...

If your share of his pension is worth about 1/3 house value then your proposal looks reasonable

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 16:08

Ophy83 · 19/12/2025 16:01

If you took 50:50 assets and he had the kids 1 night per week, you'd probably be looking at circa £1k per month in child maintenance (from government calculator). So you need to work out whether a higher split of assets and reduced maintenance is preferable. I'd speak to a solicitor

A higher split in the assets wouldn’t reduce the CM I don’t think. The higher split would be a reflection that the op needs a higher deposit than he does due to their salaries. It goes on needs. They both need to be able to house their children. The disparity in wages is, in part at least, because the op has been the main care giver for the last 7 years whilst his career, and thus salary, has progressed.

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:08

I’ll need to find out about the pensions as he has a few.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:09

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 16:08

A higher split in the assets wouldn’t reduce the CM I don’t think. The higher split would be a reflection that the op needs a higher deposit than he does due to their salaries. It goes on needs. They both need to be able to house their children. The disparity in wages is, in part at least, because the op has been the main care giver for the last 7 years whilst his career, and thus salary, has progressed.

Show quote history

This is very true. I was offered a job with more hours a couple of years ago and he had a hissy fit about the thought of having to pick the kids up !! Was not compatible with his long hours.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 16:10

FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:09

This is very true. I was offered a job with more hours a couple of years ago and he had a hissy fit about the thought of having to pick the kids up !! Was not compatible with his long hours.

Show quote history

This is extremely relevant op. Speak to a solicitor.

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:11

The thing is about maintenance … what if he lost his job. He is a software engineer and a lot of jobs are being lost to AI. If I had to choose I’d rather have more equity (could put some into a savings account) and a bit less maintenance … ugh.

thanks for all the advice so far! I’m in the very embryonic stages of this

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2025 16:12

FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:11

The thing is about maintenance … what if he lost his job. He is a software engineer and a lot of jobs are being lost to AI. If I had to choose I’d rather have more equity (could put some into a savings account) and a bit less maintenance … ugh.

thanks for all the advice so far! I’m in the very embryonic stages of this

I honestly don’t think it’s either/or op. I think that poster was incorrect.

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:14

I think what I am already realising from this thread is that, due to my desperation to leave, I might be willing to shoot myself in the foot financially. Almost paying a price for my freedom… I will get in touch with a solicitor.

He is not a bad man, but he can be selfish and greedy. And he’s getting more out of the current situation than I am. Thank you all so far

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 19/12/2025 16:19

For a kick off sign up for child benefit even if you dont get the money. Its National insurance credits towards your state pension and ensure they automatically get their national insurance numbers

sunshine244 · 19/12/2025 16:22

Unfortunately a large proportion of men suddenly decide they want 50:50 shared care when they realise what CMS would cost! This happened to me.

With the kids at school age court might feel you can work full time. So although things might work out better, be prepared that a 50:50 asset (or close to) and child contact split might be a possible outcome.

sunshine244 · 19/12/2025 16:24

Also - be wary that if him going self employed might be an option that would make things really tough to get CMS too.

Original poster
FuzzyFelt85 · 19/12/2025 16:24

sunshine244 · 19/12/2025 16:22

Unfortunately a large proportion of men suddenly decide they want 50:50 shared care when they realise what CMS would cost! This happened to me.

With the kids at school age court might feel you can work full time. So although things might work out better, be prepared that a 50:50 asset (or close to) and child contact split might be a possible outcome.

Thank you. I really really don’t think he’d want 50/50 as he’d have to pick them up from school ! I think he’d prefer to carry on as he is. But it’s worth bearing in mind that he might be advised to go for this, even as a bargaining tool. I was so hoping we could
sort it out amicably though.

OP posts: