Rough idea what would be fair in divorce.

[FuzzyFelt85]

Hello all,

Looking for some rough advice, a starter for ten, to get my head around what would be reasonable in a divorce.

My husband and I are separated and sleeping in different rooms in our house. There has been no intimacy for years. I won’t bore you with the details but I can’t bear to live with him or go on like this any longer. I believe we could do this amicably for our children. There is nobody else involved on either side.

Children are 6 & 7. No wraparound where we live and no family help… but I have a school hours job that I currently earn £17k pa in. I could potentially take on some additional work from home (my qualifications lend themselves to this fortunately). I do all school drop offs and pick ups and would likely keep doing this.

Husband works extremely long hours , often gone 7-7. Doesn’t tend to work weekends unless there is a hideous deadline. Earns 90k pa.

House is worth around £400k and the joint mortgage on it is £110k atm.

I would like to remain the primary carer and I don’t think my husband would challenge me on this, he is a workaholic.

I am thinking of asking for 2/3 equity in house plus some maintenance (a few hundred a month). I would like to stay in or near our current village and am happy to buy a basic 3 bedroom semi (where we live is quite cheap). Currently we have a huge Georgian house. There aren’t any other assets really. I don’t think I could afford to stay in this house on my own.

I would be happy to leave pensions alone.. mine in tiny and my husband probably has more but I am a lot younger so have longer to “save up”.

So in theory it could go-

Me - 190k of house proceeds (could by a basic house outright for this around here), my salary plus maintenance and hopefully some child benefit (never had it before).

Husband - 95k equity, keeps most of his salary. (He could easily afford a mortgage).

Could I ask people’s thoughts please?

(i know he’d be happy to continue as we are for ever more, despite him being quite unhappy and having no intimacy either … but it’s me that will propose divorce)

Thanks for reading!

I thought exactly the same. But it turns out if they arrange childcare that's seen as being ok. So you can end up in a situation where the oh gets 50:50 but kids are with childminder, grandparents, after school club etc.

The two are treated seperately so you don't have to choose between CM and assets.

If he lost his job (income is zero) then you would get zero maintenance but he’d be a fool to sign a deal for less maintenance because you could go to CMS and get £935pm via them and keep the equity.

More equity, £935pm CM and not touching his pension is possibly a fair deal but it depends how 15% of the equity (I’m assuming you want 65% so the extra above 50/50) compares to half his pension.

You need to think about your long term stability. Everything including all pensions are part of the split.

yes, child maintenance may change. He may simply not pay. Don’t count on that money. Don’t even consider it when negotiating a settlement or trying to decide what is fair. That money is about going forward and compensating for parenting time disparity. That money is about trying to make a tiny dent in the fact that you have reduced earning power because you have the children more.

the default split of assets is 50/50. Don’t take less than that. If you have placed your career second so he could earn, you negotiate up from there, not down.

It’s not fair you get the security of a mortgage free home while he gets the huge mortgage and uncertainty in job security. You already say his is insecure due to ai etc .

you need to increase your earnings as it’s currently very low.

but you need to look at pensions too before you can start to figure out a fair split

What huge mortgage would he have?

have you read the bit where I tried to increase my earnings but he objected ?

and also this bit where I said I could take on extra wfh ?

There is NO wraparound childcare where we live, none. But my children are very happy at their school.

bottom line should always be ‘what’s best for the kids’ and it blows my mind that any parent wouldn’t adhere to that.

When my ex and I were together the best way of working our family running to our strengths was that he worked whatever hours he could (as he earnt more), and I was the default parent. For a bit of balance we did about 10% of each others roles. This was best for our kids.

it remained best for our kids when we split up, so our divorce settlement reflected that. No he didn’t expect me to suddenly work full time and put the kids in childcare, because that wouldn’t be best for the kids. Neither did he want 50/50 as again, that wouldn’t be best for the kids.

If he starts mentioning 50:50, you say great which school run are you doing, every morning or every afternoon or are we doing week on & week off?

He will expect you to still do the wrap around care so make it very clear you will not be doing it for him on his days.

How much would it cost to bring your pension contributions up to match his as you’ve had to sacrifice your earns to support his FT work due to childcare.

Play hardball because as you say due to AI neither of you can rely on future earnings.

Use mediation better outcomes for everyone.

Have you thought about attending mediation? They will get you both to disclose all assets, then you approach it from there. You have to think about the whole pot, so pensions, assets etc, savings etc. It's also worth speaking to a solicitor. Have you got CETV pension valuations? You will need them. You can get an opinion from a solicitor and still proceed with mediation.

Marital pot split and child maintenance are entirely unrelated.

Just find a good lawyer, there's no substitute for this and you need someone who is a divorce specialist not just any local lawyer.

Are you asking for so much so you don't have to work? I think 2 thirds of house plus maintenance is a lot,but only because mine paid nothing! The idea that a 3 bed semi is basic shows you are used to priviledge and want that but not the one who pays for it.
For many folk a roof over their heads in a council flat has to be home. Count your blessings but see a solicitor.

Not been in this situation myself (not married), but if I were you I would get some good legal advice

It isn’t a race to the bottom. If the ‘family’ has a £90k earner in it, then as two parents they can afford the enormous benefit to the children of one parent only working part time so that they can be there at pick up, to do extra curricular, to help with homework.

You need to take his pension into account. If you don’t even know how much it is, it’s possible that even with 2/3s of house equity you would be walking away with less than half the assets. In your situation I would expect you to revive 60-65 percent of all assets.

go and see a solicitor and see what info you can get on his pensions before going any further

maintenance is entirely separate. Don’t even think about this now.

Not a brag post but 30 years I started working for a pension company at what was prob not more than what's minimum wage now and they sort of made us sign up to a pension the very first day

20 years later I left and it had changed from DB to DC but is worth £500k. Self employed and not as generous contributions now my pension savings haven’t increased much since then

do not rule out his pension for you and your children

You need to speak to a solicitor and get advice. If you are the primary carer, the priority will be finding suitable housing so research the kind of property you would look for - assuming 2 or 3 bed. You will get maintenance for the children until they are finished in education or turn 18. Please do not overlook the pension - that would be factored into any settlement (yours and his). I think 50:50 is a starting point but clearly there is a huge difference in income which has to be taken into account.

Don't underestimate the legal bill but do try and avoid Court. That would run into tens of thousands. Good luck X

He doesn’t have to pick up from school, I know two men that have 50/50 custody…. One of them gets his new girlfriend to pick the child up. The other one gets his mum to do it and both their career remains unaffected.
I Know both the ex wives, both were absolutely gobsmacked when the men asked for 50/50… and both were heartbroken to lose their children half the time.

Don't take maintenance into account as it could disappear or he could want 50:50 (quickly finding someone else to 'help' with the kids)
You need to know his pensions, savings and any other assets. Add that to your pension and house equity and then divide by 2. If its around 2/3 of the equity of the house then push for that with offer to leave his pension alone.

No, he doesn’t have to do it himself.
however there are way to many women who have posted on this board over the years that they do pickups and drop offs on their ex’s days while having a 50:50 split. Taking the financial hit on earnings while letting him get away with paying no maintenance.

The hinge is the pension, they do a calculation and the figure could be used for you to keep the house with a mortgage and maintenance. The assets split is as close to 50% as they can get. If your young go for the house and build your own pension.
There is no guarantee how the split might happen but they seem to like a nice clean deal that ends at divorce and then maintenance going forward, lets hope his income continues.

Get legal advice before your thoughts run away. It’s possible his family might encourage him to work more sociable hours to have the children too.

we have a friend who did the math before separating thinking she would be entitled to an existing trust fund pool. Several months on she is no further to closure and looking like the trust won’t be broken open as it was started before they met. Both have since engaged lawyers, she assumed he would sign her property settlement agreement form.

Just get leg

Just get legal advice - this is your kids future as well and I suspect your thought process is driven by a sense of guilt as your husband wants to continue in this relationship. It’s not about greed or being difficult but about being fair. He is able to have his career and work all of the hours he does because you are the “backbone” of the family enabling this to happen

Financial mediation is a must as legal backwards and forwards does definitely cause stress between parties

You are parents first and foremost so try and keep amicable but also do not settle for anything less than what is fair.

good luck! It’s all so difficult but what you are doing is brave and everyone deserves happiness on their lives - including your husband. Whilst settling at the moment may suit him - I suspect in time that would have changed

Firstly best of luck op, keeping it amicable is usually the best option financially because the solicitors don’t get the money!

Starting point as others have said is 50/50 of all assets, equity, savings and pensions. We put them into a spread sheet and went from there, I had 58% in the end. I own my house outright which is so helpful if you aren’t on a high income and gives you protection if his income falls. Pension can be traded against equity but if he has big pensions they can be split

child maintenance is completely separate so I would not bring that into discussions at the earlier stages except to agree to use the calculator online.