Pregnancy and he doesnt want it

[hurtslikealego]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my partner. When we got together we spoke about wanting kids- we were both on the same page, that having a family were important to us both and we often spoke about it over the years, him bringing it up more than me. Between working abroad, masters degree etc. it never seemed the right time, but the reasons felt legitimate not future faking.

Fast forward to today and I am accidentally pregnant, he is shocked (aren't we both) and adamant he doesn't want it.

What I can't get my head around is did he ever want kids or was he saying he did to keep me on the hook (but then why was he the one over the years bringing it up)? Does he want kids, but not see a long term future with me and this has made him realise that, but then why isn't he breaking up with me? I'm trying to give him space to tell me what he wants, but he isn't actually making any decision at all.

What you want is the thing to pay attention to.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I don’t like his reaction but maybe give him a bit of time, he might be in shock, not acceptable behaviour but he might come around in a few days

These are the questions you should be asking him as none of us know. Give it a few days for both of you to process the shock, then have a conversation.
No matter what his view is, though, it is always your decision what you want to do.

It’s a shock, as you said. I know it’s a shock for both of you, but people handle it differently. I’ve had an accidental pregnancy and I couldn’t get my head around it, my partner did immediately. Even though I talked about wanting one, it felt so alien when it happened, I wasn’t as ready as I thought at all. How long has it been since you both found out?

I guess you need to get him to answer these questions. Why does he consider the timing to be bad? Maybe this a simple freak-out or maybe he feels like it is the wrong time in terms of professional / housing situation or maybe he doesn’t want kids anymore. Only he can answer these questions. But I’m sorry that he is being self-absorbed and not thinking of you enough right now.

What do you want to do? Whatever choice is right for you, is the right one x

I want to keep it, he knows this. I also want him, he knows this too.

He says he doesn't want it, but he also wont make the call to leave me. It makes me think he hasn't fully decided, but I'm not sure. He always said he wanted kids, so I don't understand the change, if I understood what was going on with him then I would feel more comfortable making a call.

You already made the call. You said you want to keep it. That's the end of that. Don't change your mind now based on what he may or may not think.

I can't say what exactly is going on in his head but it sounds like all of the previous talk of having kids was just speculative but now that you are pregnant it has forced the issue and made it real, and he has decided he actually doesn't want kids at all.

You've got to now decide what you want to do. Do you want to keep the baby or will you have a termination? Don't have a termination just to please a man though. If you want to keep the baby then keep it. It may be the end of your relationship but these things happen unfortunately. The reality is you are now pregnant and have to decide how to move forward with that.

He doesn't say the timing is bad, he says he doesn't want it full stop. This is such a change from what he has said over the last five years that I can't understand it.

What does he say when you ask why he has spoken about wanting kids across the years? Surely you have reminded him of that.

He says he doesn't want it, but he also wont make the call to leave me.

This is a huge red flag of a response. As in the non-communication. This is not a good man or father.

Why did he say he wanted kids? Some men are future fakers, and unfortunately do it very convincingly.

I am keeping it, that's not changing and he knows that. But it isn't ending the relationship and that's what I can't understand-why he's still here?

Well he needs to accept that you are keeping it and decide what to do with that information. You can't turn the clock back to when you were not pregnant which is what he wants to do it seems. If you are keeping it then he has to either come round to accepting it and stay with you and parent this child in a relationship with you, or if he doesn't want to be an involved father then he will have to break up with you as he can't expect that you will stay with him and for him not to be an involved dad. If he breaks up with you and doesn't want to be an involved dad then he will have to pay child support and not be involved with the child any more than that. The ball is in his court now.

He should have thought about all of this before he had unprotected sex with you though so for that he is an idiot as what exactly did he think would happen?

Do you feel irretrievably let down by him or are you willing to forgive him if he gets over this and accepts the situation? That’s the only question really, if you’re 💯 you’re keeping your baby.

We weren't having unprotected sex...hence why its a shock 🙄

I think he is holding out that you will change your mind and have a termination and things will go back to how they were before.

That is not going to happen though and the sooner he realises that the better.

How do you feel about being the one to end the relationship? It's tricky - there's no compromise here, so he either comes round once he's over the shock and embraces parenthood, or its over.

The other alternative is that the relationship limps on which will be awful for you all x

Well off he goes then! Maybe he doesnt know? Why doesnt he want it?

You sound young, how old are you both?

He's been stringing you along for years.
Know that now.
He thought he would do this and use your fertility.
He is scum.
You just didn't know it.
Believe him.

Decide what you want to do.
What age are you?

Don't abort if this is your chance and you can afford it, want it and have support.
You will never forgive him, rightly.

If you go ahead, expect him to punish you.
NEVER give the baby his name, his type will surprisingly want it.
Don't rush into marrying him if he suggests it.

Be very very wary.
Is he being kind or pissed off at you?

You have been dating 5 years and haven’t bothered to get married. Now faced with a pregnancy, he is pushing back. I would definitely be questioning his commitment.

How you proceed is entirely up to you. If you have a baby, do so with the knowledge that you may not be in a relationship while raising your child. He might have an epiphany, but you can’t count on that. He also may or may not choose to be an active coparent.

Yeah it’s quite weird op. How old is he?

I guess practically speaking, if you’ve made the decision to keep the pregnancy then there is time for him to process his feelings. So I’d give it a couple of days and then have a proper conversation .

Apologies. But even the best contraception can fail and most people know this on some level. I'm sure it is a shock but like I said in my last post he needs to accept the reality of the situation and make a decision on what he wants to do, I.e. stay with you, accept and parent this baby, or leave.

If I was in your situation though I would break up with him myself as he has made it clear he doesn't want to be a father, and you are adamant you are keeping it so what else is there to do but for you to break up?

Came to say the same thing.