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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe him

64 replies

VoidIfRemoved1 · 17/12/2025 16:57

I don’t know who to turn to or what to think. I’m at a pretty low point just now as it is without this, for my own reasons.

DH has been suspended from work due to an apparent and highly inappropriate comment made to a female employee. He flat out denies it.

I don’t know what to believe.

Some of the staff are made up of uni students, some of which are not up to the job, behaving unprofessionally and calling in sick with hangovers. For example, another colleague has already been disciplined for fabricating stories to create drama at work. There is a real toxicity in there. DH is covering shifts every weekend at the expense of our family time. He’s generally now up early at weekends waiting for the sick calls, it’s that out of hand.

DH has been told by his manager for months to let go of this particular woman for her behaviour at work. But the internal staff onboarding process takes weeks and weeks that successful interviewees take other job offers, so getting anyone in fit to replace her has been hellish. He isn’t in control of this part.
He’s been stuck between a rock and a hard place, and kept her on in the hope of getting new staff soon. If he lets her go, he has to shut down some of the business - which the manager won’t allow to happen either. Manager has been pretty unreasonable and won’t do anything to help, just demands constantly on WhatsApp to have it their way.

So about 2 weeks ago, after a shift, he was called by his manager and placed on suspension while they investigate this comment, to which I honestly cannot begin to type because it’s disgusting.

Now it’s awful in the home. I’ve told him I don’t believe him.
I don’t know why, because I really don’t know who to believe.
And I’ll never actually find out the truth.
And how will his employer? It’s her word against his?
Maybe I think he’ll cave somehow if I press it?
Maybe my default is to believe a woman?
I don’t even know anymore.

I can’t imagine him saying such a thing though. He barely swears let alone say disgusting things.
And then if he’s telling the truth, I’m letting him down.
But who knows :(

He’s depressed in bed all day. (I’m not surprised, he is medicated for his mental health)

We haven’t spoke for over a week. Christmas is going to be awful with the potential of him losing his job. My own mental health is down the pan and I’m trying to keep it together. I can’t talk to anyone. I’m scared that people will judge me. I feel so so isolated. I work from home daily and I’ve just sat sobbing most days. I don’t know what the future holds.

I don’t think anyone really has an answer to be honest, I’m just so broken with no one to talk to that I’ve resorted to posting here, and I’ve been terrified to do even that. I feel helpless.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 17/12/2025 16:59

That sounds horrendous. Im so sorry

Lmnop22 · 17/12/2025 17:03

Any chance there’s been a formal letter to him setting out the context of what was said, where, following what confrontation (if any) just to try and add contextual clues about whether the allegation has the ring of truth to it?

I can’t really see why the allegation would be made up and attributed to your DH considering he was the one not firing her when others were gunning for her. I wonder whether a lack of motive on her part and a growing frustration with her on your DH’s part has contributed to which side you believe? In anger and high stress situations people can say truly awful things.

Was it a sexual comment or racist or offensive in a specific way? Were there any witnesses to it that you could talk to or that add weight to the colleague’s account as they corroborate it?

noidea69 · 17/12/2025 17:05

Why dont you believe him?

"I can’t imagine him saying such a thing though. He barely swears let alone say disgusting things."

Surely you know him better than anyone, and if you cant imagine him saying such a thing, then why dont you believe him?

Is it the woman who the manager wants rid of but your DH is keeping on until can find someone new that has made complaint? If so i would guess shes got wind of the situation.

Either way your lack of support to your husband in this situation is terrible.

MrsPinkSky · 17/12/2025 17:06

Did you start a thread about this last week?

I've known my husband for 42 years and been married to him for 25 years.

If he was accused of making a comment to a woman so disgusting that I couldn't bring myself to type it, I would know it wasn't true and my default would not be to believe anyone over him just by virtue of being the opposite sex.

If you don't believe your husband is innocent, you must have a better reason that your 'default is to automatically believe a woman', surely?

namechange3651 · 17/12/2025 17:09

I used to manage complaints like this. Sometimes the man was totally in the wrong (and there were other complaints that came out of the woodwork, from other women) - however on several occasions I had women admit they’d made up the complaints or accusations, mainly because they know it’ll help them keep their job if the man is in any position to fire them and they think their job is at risk. It’s really shitty, and as much as I’d like to think women never pull crap like this, they absolutely do.

Sassylovesbooks · 17/12/2025 17:09

How long have you been with your husband? You are the person who knows your husband best. Could you imagine your husband saying an inappropriate comment to a female colleague? I'm guessing she's significantly younger? It depends on the comment obviously, but could she have taken something out of context or the wrong way? Was the comment supposedly directed at her in person? Or the comment said to someone else who told her/over heard? Could it be that the woman has an idea she's likely to be sacked and this is her revenge? No one knows on MN if your husband is lying or not, we can't answer that one. You say the comment would be out of character for your husband as he barely even swears, yet you seem convinced he's lying. There must be a reason why you think this?

Mulledjuice · 17/12/2025 17:10

It's really interesting that you say you dont believe him but also that you cant imagine him saying such a thing.

He should speak to his union, or ACAS.

themerchentofvenus · 17/12/2025 17:10

@VoidIfRemoved1 so your DH rarely even swears, the thing he allegedly said is nothing like the language he would use, there is a history of people making false allegations yet you've told him you don't believe him??

Are you serious? It's not surprising he feels depressed!!

HoppityBun · 17/12/2025 17:12

Some of this does sound decidedly odd.

You describe an extremely stressful work situation, where other people are not up to the job and are lying about being unwell so that they don’t have to come in, and your DH is having to work over and above which he should work in order to cover for them.

You also say that you cannot believe that he would say anything like this because it’s completely out of character.

You describe that he is clearly unwell with mental health problems and he is so distressed that he is staying in bed, yet you haven’t spoken to him for a week and you think you could coerce him into stating that he did say what he’s accused of saying?

It seems to me that you do not want to believe him and you do not want to do anything that would suggest that you’re backing him or believing in him. I cannot see how you can stay together in these circumstances. No wonder Christmas is going to be grim for both of you because you’re determined not to heal a rift.

Would you expect him to believe you if you were accused of something awful and told him that you hadn’t done it?

Mumofteenandtween · 17/12/2025 17:13

I think that none of us can completely rule out our loved ones having a side to them that we have never seen.

However, I also think that I do know roughly what that side could be in my husband. I can imagine him being incredibly unpleasant to someone and calling them a “fucking idiot” if the situation arose. I really can’t imagine him making sexual comments. Because I know him and I know his weaknesses.

Does what your husband is accused of match the worst thing you can imagine him doing?

TheWater · 17/12/2025 17:15

I don’t have any advice, @VoidIfRemoved1, just want to say I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will get through it and things will get better for you 💐

BeaRightThere · 17/12/2025 17:17

This doesn't make sense to me. If you know your husband and know he barely swears plus you know how toxic his workplace is, why would you not believe him? Why do you believe some random woman over him?

Swiftie1878 · 17/12/2025 17:19

BeaRightThere · 17/12/2025 17:17

This doesn't make sense to me. If you know your husband and know he barely swears plus you know how toxic his workplace is, why would you not believe him? Why do you believe some random woman over him?

I agree. You need to really drill down into the reason(s) why you don’t believe him.

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. ☹️

SPLOOSHY · 17/12/2025 17:19

Can you articulate why you don't believe him?

SparkleSpriteDust · 17/12/2025 17:20

Why on earth do you believe a stranger (one who your husband has been asked to let go) over your own husband?

racierach · 17/12/2025 17:21

Why would you not support your husband ?

MrsPinkSky · 17/12/2025 17:21

On the thread I'm thinking of he'd actually been sacked and the OP was more worried that he might cheat on her, than about the woman who made the sexual harassment complaint.

So possibly not the same OP.

QuietlyPedalling · 17/12/2025 17:21

@noidea69Please do not tell someone who is clearly desperate- the whole tone of her post is utterly desperate- that something she has done or failed to do is terrible.
None of us know whether he said it or not FFS.

Original poster
VoidIfRemoved1 · 17/12/2025 17:26

I didn’t post to be told I was being horrid to my husband. I already know there’s a possibility I am , and that makes it difficult enough to process and I’m already beating myself up with that.

For context he is diagnosed as bipolar 2. He’s medicated, but this has taken a few years to get the right meds. Prior to diagnosis he was in fairness , and he would admit himself, hard work, lied about a lot of stuff, and it was a struggle. I think it’s only natural to have that element of doubt. Having found the right meds for him, I believe he’s been really stable, for quite a while now.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 17/12/2025 17:26

Why would you not know of your husband is likely or not to make the comment? When balancing the staff member who likely knows the company want her gone and your DH you side with the stranger?

[(Edit) Hummm ... drip feed 👀]

But the important thing is that DH is in a toxic workplace which will not change.

He is currently on paid leave so why is he planning to go back (if/once cleared)?
Why are you not supporting him to move on and asking him to do up a CV and start job hunting for a new role in a organisation which has a work/life balance?

Original poster
VoidIfRemoved1 · 17/12/2025 17:27

MrsPinkSky · 17/12/2025 17:21

On the thread I'm thinking of he'd actually been sacked and the OP was more worried that he might cheat on her, than about the woman who made the sexual harassment complaint.

So possibly not the same OP.

No wasn’t me , first time posting about this!

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 17/12/2025 17:27

QuietlyPedalling · 17/12/2025 17:21

@noidea69Please do not tell someone who is clearly desperate- the whole tone of her post is utterly desperate- that something she has done or failed to do is terrible.
None of us know whether he said it or not FFS.

I agree with @noidea69

The lack of support for her DH is pretty disgusting given that she says she can't imagine him saying such disgusting things.

As you said yourself

"None of us know whether he said it or not FFS."

Therefore I would expect the OP to be more willing to support her husband unless proof comes to light.

Original poster
VoidIfRemoved1 · 17/12/2025 17:30

AnSolas · 17/12/2025 17:26

Why would you not know of your husband is likely or not to make the comment? When balancing the staff member who likely knows the company want her gone and your DH you side with the stranger?

[(Edit) Hummm ... drip feed 👀]

But the important thing is that DH is in a toxic workplace which will not change.

He is currently on paid leave so why is he planning to go back (if/once cleared)?
Why are you not supporting him to move on and asking him to do up a CV and start job hunting for a new role in a organisation which has a work/life balance?

Edited

I’ve been supporting him with this over the last year, perhaps looking more at jobs than even he is. He’s had a few interviews but been pipped at the post. It’s a horrible place to work. I hear teams meetings a lot and I’m aghast at some of the things that are said. Because he is rather far away from the head office , his site is often last to be thought of, and he doesn’t have any face on support from the rest of the leadership team.

OP posts:
InveterateWineDrinker · 17/12/2025 17:30

I find it odd that your DH, in a very stressful situation, receiving treatment for MH conditions, is accused of something you admit is very out of character and your first reaction is not to support him but take the accuser's side. Before you've even seen any of the evidence or the disciplinary process has run its course.

Most people look to their spouses first for support, and you've not spoken to him for a week? I'm not surprised he's depressed.

CombatBarbie · 17/12/2025 17:31

Right so given the basic info youve given.

DH is a good worker/covers/seen by the company as an asset.

1 person is being underproductive and DHs boss is wanting rid.

Now an accusation of something you cannot bear to type.... (just say it) has been apparently said.

Your husband is a man that barely swears let alone uses vulgar language.

If it were me, I would believe him!!!! Or at least believe him til proven otherwise.

There are other threads posted just recently about young graduates being shit at their jobs but "knowing their rights". If she is aware her job is at risk, of course she's going to play every card to stop that happening.

Malicious complaints happen all the time. Ive come across them, you say yourself there has been an incident to manipulate gossip.

Or your husband is not who he thought he was.....

Out of interest, who is now covering all the "sick" days seeings its usually DH.