To not believe him

[VoidIfRemoved1]

I don’t know who to turn to or what to think. I’m at a pretty low point just now as it is without this, for my own reasons.

DH has been suspended from work due to an apparent and highly inappropriate comment made to a female employee. He flat out denies it.

I don’t know what to believe.

Some of the staff are made up of uni students, some of which are not up to the job, behaving unprofessionally and calling in sick with hangovers. For example, another colleague has already been disciplined for fabricating stories to create drama at work. There is a real toxicity in there. DH is covering shifts every weekend at the expense of our family time. He’s generally now up early at weekends waiting for the sick calls, it’s that out of hand.

DH has been told by his manager for months to let go of this particular woman for her behaviour at work. But the internal staff onboarding process takes weeks and weeks that successful interviewees take other job offers, so getting anyone in fit to replace her has been hellish. He isn’t in control of this part.
He’s been stuck between a rock and a hard place, and kept her on in the hope of getting new staff soon. If he lets her go, he has to shut down some of the business - which the manager won’t allow to happen either. Manager has been pretty unreasonable and won’t do anything to help, just demands constantly on WhatsApp to have it their way.

So about 2 weeks ago, after a shift, he was called by his manager and placed on suspension while they investigate this comment, to which I honestly cannot begin to type because it’s disgusting.

Now it’s awful in the home. I’ve told him I don’t believe him.
I don’t know why, because I really don’t know who to believe.
And I’ll never actually find out the truth.
And how will his employer? It’s her word against his?
Maybe I think he’ll cave somehow if I press it?
Maybe my default is to believe a woman?
I don’t even know anymore.

I can’t imagine him saying such a thing though. He barely swears let alone say disgusting things.
And then if he’s telling the truth, I’m letting him down.
But who knows :(

He’s depressed in bed all day. (I’m not surprised, he is medicated for his mental health)

We haven’t spoke for over a week. Christmas is going to be awful with the potential of him losing his job. My own mental health is down the pan and I’m trying to keep it together. I can’t talk to anyone. I’m scared that people will judge me. I feel so so isolated. I work from home daily and I’ve just sat sobbing most days. I don’t know what the future holds.

I don’t think anyone really has an answer to be honest, I’m just so broken with no one to talk to that I’ve resorted to posting here, and I’ve been terrified to do even that. I feel helpless.

But then what? What if it somehow transpires he had? I can’t help but worry about women too and the shit they face from men. Lord help me if he has been one of those

I think @namechange3651’s comments are worth a great deal of consideration. Especially because she has experience in investigating complaints such as this.

I have a close family member with bipolar type 2 and they have definitely said and done things that were out of character when having an episode. You've described an incredibly stressful working environment which is obviously going to be detrimental to his mental health.

Do you feel you can support him if it turns out to be true but is a result of him having a manic episode? Can you get him to the GP and put in place some emergency mental health support? Is there a local mental health crisis team you can call on? I can imagine this is too much for you to carry alone so please do reach out for some support for yourself too - you can call 111 and press 2 for immediate/emergency mental health support.

So your feminism overrides the interests of even your own husband, before you've seen any actual evidence?

Actually, just seen that this appears to be your first post. I get it now.

No criticism but why don't you believe him?

I'd believe my husband.

And that's my point, what else is going on that you aren't verbalising that has your relationship at that point? You don't have to tell us, just think on it.

I wouldn’t say that. I would say I’m stuck in a grey area.

but I’m not in the place to argue with anyone at all, I’m pretty empty

OP, there are times in life when we have to tell ourselves that we have to be strong, even if we don't feel that way inside.

I think that if you truly love your husband, you will stand up for him now. You write that you think it would be very out of character for him to say the thing he's been accused of, so this makes it unlikely. Alternatively, maybe it is true and you may find out at some point that he did say the thing but not believing him and not standing up for him now will not help either of you right now.

Take the firm stance now that you love him and you know that he did not say it. Time to be strong for you both - and for your marriage. Wouldn't he do the same for you?

If you find out later on that he did say it (sounds unlikely) then deal with that then. Now is not the time.

So you believe a woman you don't know but who was due to be fired for her terrible work performance over your own husband, who you know rarely swears?

Obviously anything is possible and no one here can tell you whether or not he said it, but the fact is you don't actually seem to be doubting the situation at all. You seem to believe her and you are treating your husband like he's guilty when at the very least he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe you are right. I wouldn’t say he was manic at the time it happened. Everything was quite fine. He’s good at verbalising when he’s not feeling quite right now, whereas before he would just be unreasonable. His medication has been quite a thing, because at one point I thought nothing was going to change.

Thank you for taking the time to write these words without judgement , and helping me. It’s like words from a supportive friend. Grateful

My husband was falsely accused of sexual harassment about 5 years ago. It was absolutely horrendous for him. Thankfully, in his situation, there were witnesses who were able to refute her version. She tried to discredit all of them, claimed they were all misogynists and out to get rid of her etc. Initially, she was moved to a different team. But she then tried to fabricate another incident by coming into his office with no reason, given she was now on a different team. After he glanced up to see who it was and then back to his screen because he was on a call she accused him of 'looking her up and down sexually'. I don't know all the details but after that, they did let her go. And DH no longer allows any woman into his office unaccompanied, keeps the door open at all times. If he has to have any sort of disciplinary conversation, HR are in attendance. Nothing is ever resolved informally anymore.

Not all women are innocent, any more than all men are guilty. I never had any doubt that my DH version was accurate, having known him for 20 years. It would have been completely out of character for him. His utter bewilderment had to be either genuine or he missed his calling to be an actor.

Welcome, OP. 💐

Get yourself of that fence and take a stance. Stand with him.

Two ways of dealing with this:

He didn't say it: 'Stand by your Man'. Make sure he keeps taking his meds. You could see your GP because you're probably going to need support to get through this.

He did say it: Either he's a nasty piece of work or he's reached the end of his rope. Probably the latter. OK, so now what? Can you find any sympathy for him because he got pushed over the edge? It doesn't really matter what he said. Words have an impact, sure, but it's not the same as stalking or GBH. Presumably, it's a heat of the moment thing. If he did say it, he might be feeling really ashamed. If he's hiding in bed, he might be feeling very depressed. That could become a health issue.

Also, you could consider ACAS. If this is a totally wild thing to happen at work and otherwise he's been mostly competent but completely unsupported, sacking him, even for gross misconduct, could open them up to a claim for wrongful dismissal. Employers can't put someone in the line of fire and then blame them for cussing the shooter out.

If he is failing at the interview stage he should look for professional help on his interview style and seek feedback on why he was not sucessful (applying via agency means the new employer is more likely to give feedback as there is an ongoing business relationship)

Once he is back in work he needs to commit to leaving.

He makes up his mind that he is in his "notice period" and roll back to doing the minimum needed within his role and force his manager to sort out staffing etc. Eg if he has worked regular full time hours and still had to work overtime on weekends to manage sick calls and reorganise cover staff or fill in the hours is he likely working over the maximum hours.

Stress is a work place can be actionable and toxic workplaces are stressful. And his MH has taken a massive hit if he cant manage to get out of bed.

He need to regulate his current condition so he needs to seek medical help to regulate his mood asap.

What a difficult position you are in and I am so sorry.
Are his parents alive ? Can he talk to them about this ? Did he come out and tell you about this incident straight away ?
Has he ever lied before ?
Can you see a solicitor or citizens advice and go with him and support him?
I think as his wife you owe him that . See what his reaction to this idea is .

At this point I think you should be worrying about what if it transpires he hasn't?

You should be supporting him until such time as there is proof that the claims are true.

If it's never proven, then why would you not trust your husband?

You know, the husband who never uses vulgar language and who you can't imagine would've done this?

I have said and done some awful things whilst in the depressive stages of bipolar. What I have said and done just is NOT me at all.One was quite recent over a text message so it's all in black and white and I cant take it back and I am so ashamed. My bipolar starts with mania and I have gone through some very life changing circumstances recently which set it off.

Maybe your DH has gone through some kind of trauma recently.

If he did say something , its obviously quite bad for him to be suspended. Were there witnesses or recordings? I can't see anything holding up if it was just someone's word without proof.

Hope you can both get through this and hopefully your can be more supportive to help him work out how to navigate the investigation.

The truth is that you’ll never know for sure if he did or didn’t say this as you weren’t there and it’s a he said/she said scenario.

All you can do is ask yourself if this sounds like something your husband would say and if not you have to make a conscious decision to accept he didn’t. You can’t keep toying with the question of did he didn’t he.

He sounds like he’s in a pretty bad place mentally right now and could do with your support. You need to decide if this is worth losing your marriage over and if not get by your husbands side and start supporting him.

I'm usually inclined to believe women. But I also know my husband and if allegations were made against him I would have a good idea of what is completely false. You said you can't imagine him saying these things so I think you need to apologise and support him. It's not going to be good for either of you as individuals or as a couple if you accuse him of lying. I'd have a different response if you hadn't said you can't imagine him saying it, trust what you know of him.

If this was roles reversed and it was me (do have MH) when.....not if, when I was proven not guilty, I would be taking active steps to leave. If my own spouse doesnt have my back, who does??

For what it's worth, I think this is a malicious act and I wouldnt forgive you for not supporting me.

I've bipolar and said things in the past that aren't pleasant when I've been hypomanic. (Less severe than manic) so you may not have realised this.

Your best call of action now is to get in touch with the home treatment team and ask that they pay a visit. Stand by him until you know otherwise. Can you share what he said?

I worry about other women too but there is no way that a female stranger would come above a male who was part of my life and who I knew to be a good person. Men are people too, with real feelings as you can see with your DH who is going through a really difficult time. Who's looking out for and worrying about your DH? He matters too.

Hey OP, am sorry this is happening to you and your hubby.

What concerns me is that you've not spoken to each other for a week. This is going to put mountains between you and the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to get around them.. Whatever happens with his work, you guys need to get talking. Please, is there anything you can do to get talking together?

It doesn't sound like you hubby is making it up if you say that he's been sound for some time with his meds but of course, none of us were there to see. If everything he says about work is as toxic as it seems it lends again towards him telling the truth. However, until this is investigated at work I think it's important to stick together, for at least the time being and be a team, for you and for him. If it turns out something isn't toward, you can then decide what you wish to do later.

Do you believe he may have acted out of character and said disgusting things because of his bipolar? If so, it might be worth a trip to his GP.

On the other very very similar thread a lot of posters were suggesting early onset dementia.

Go and make amends with your husband. You know for sure he's definitely and generally a good person, so have faith in that.