To not believe him

[VoidIfRemoved1]

I don’t know who to turn to or what to think. I’m at a pretty low point just now as it is without this, for my own reasons.

DH has been suspended from work due to an apparent and highly inappropriate comment made to a female employee. He flat out denies it.

I don’t know what to believe.

Some of the staff are made up of uni students, some of which are not up to the job, behaving unprofessionally and calling in sick with hangovers. For example, another colleague has already been disciplined for fabricating stories to create drama at work. There is a real toxicity in there. DH is covering shifts every weekend at the expense of our family time. He’s generally now up early at weekends waiting for the sick calls, it’s that out of hand.

DH has been told by his manager for months to let go of this particular woman for her behaviour at work. But the internal staff onboarding process takes weeks and weeks that successful interviewees take other job offers, so getting anyone in fit to replace her has been hellish. He isn’t in control of this part.
He’s been stuck between a rock and a hard place, and kept her on in the hope of getting new staff soon. If he lets her go, he has to shut down some of the business - which the manager won’t allow to happen either. Manager has been pretty unreasonable and won’t do anything to help, just demands constantly on WhatsApp to have it their way.

So about 2 weeks ago, after a shift, he was called by his manager and placed on suspension while they investigate this comment, to which I honestly cannot begin to type because it’s disgusting.

Now it’s awful in the home. I’ve told him I don’t believe him.
I don’t know why, because I really don’t know who to believe.
And I’ll never actually find out the truth.
And how will his employer? It’s her word against his?
Maybe I think he’ll cave somehow if I press it?
Maybe my default is to believe a woman?
I don’t even know anymore.

I can’t imagine him saying such a thing though. He barely swears let alone say disgusting things.
And then if he’s telling the truth, I’m letting him down.
But who knows :(

He’s depressed in bed all day. (I’m not surprised, he is medicated for his mental health)

We haven’t spoke for over a week. Christmas is going to be awful with the potential of him losing his job. My own mental health is down the pan and I’m trying to keep it together. I can’t talk to anyone. I’m scared that people will judge me. I feel so so isolated. I work from home daily and I’ve just sat sobbing most days. I don’t know what the future holds.

I don’t think anyone really has an answer to be honest, I’m just so broken with no one to talk to that I’ve resorted to posting here, and I’ve been terrified to do even that. I feel helpless.

thank you
yes he has both his parents and is talking to them about it.
no he didn’t tell me right away, he didn’t know what the issue was until 3 days before he sat me down and told me. He told me he didn’t want to disrupt the pretty big events I had on in those 3 days (it’s been a bit wild with my work)
he has lied before prior to being diagnosed and medicated. the last 3 years have been quite a different time, there has been a huge change in behaviours and the way he communicates. That’s why I’ve been on the fence. He hasn’t had any appointments of late but I have always gone with him and supported him when he needed. It actually helped me understand his ways too.

I’ve landed up here myself because I don’t have any family (I mean zero) and I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends (as a group we’re all going through something a bit traumatic ourselves so they don’t need this)

I didn’t think I’d be sobbing at a thread but here I am. I’m glad I’m posted.

What have his parents advised him to do ?

Do they believe him ? Would he lie to them?

Oh love 💔 sending you a big hug, you are not alone - keep posting here if it helps 💐

You are acting like he is guilty. You may never know the truth. All you can do for now is stand by him. Do you love him? Is he a good father?

Poor man!

If it was me, and I hadn't done anything and had told you as such, and you wilfully didn't believe me over some other persons word, any outcome of a disciplinary, I'd probably still leave you.

I hate comments like this. You don't know because you're not, and I'm assuming never have been, in the OP's position. You just think you would feel that way but the reality could be very different if it were ever to actually happen to you.

Quite frankly I'd never believe some random woman over my husband unless I had some prior info that he was capable of what he was accused of and if it was as bad as you siggest, id bot want to be with someone like him. I don't know what your husband has supposedly said to this woman but if my husband showed me he didn't believe me or have my back, honesty the marriage would be over imo.

You really need to get to the bottom of way you feel the way you do. Honeslty it feels he's almost being set up the environment sounds so toxic at his work place. Hopefully he can clear his name and use this as a reason to get away from this horrible environment. I wish you both the best and hope you both get through this

I agree. He is your husband. You should know whether he is likelyto have behaved badly. You shoukd stand by him unless you know he could be horrible,

My friends husband was once accused of something. His wife was told rather than him. He flat out denied. I'm usually the one that is the first to back a woman, and doubt a man (years of lived experience). That said, I just couldn't believe this story. There has never been a millisecond in my decades around him that he's made me or any other woman around him feel uncomfortable. His wife told him she didn't believe him. Turns out, it was all made up. By the boyfriend of the woman in question. This was proved. She felt awful that she hadn't believed him. But there are some occasions that stories are made up.

Try to get him an appointment with his GP or mental health specialist. He sounds like he needs support and may also need to be signed off sick if he is not well enough to go into work atm and he is then asked to go back in. Even if he's not asked to return to work he may be asked to go in for an interview as part of an investigation and he shouldn't be pressurised to do this if he is not well enough to handle it. Contacting acas for advice is also a great suggestion, they will have seen this situation often whether the accusations are real or false.

Believe me.

Out of you and I, one of us definitely knows how I feel.

Spoiler alert: It isn't you.

OP I’m very sorry you are going through this.
I don’t know if a lot of pps have picked up that your DH has bipolar 2, not just is depressed because of what happened and hence might do/have done something most of us would consider out of character sometimes… and the more significant fact that he’s lied to you before.
Of course the past lies are going to make you doubt him - possibly over very many things, not just this.

I never ascribe to big ideas like believing every woman or indeed that you should stand by your husband by default (not saying anyone has said those specific things).
Im sure women make up shit plenty of times just like men do and just like those employees calling in sick with hangovers.

You don’t need to say why it might be your intuition that makes you not believe him. You know you and you know him ..and none of us were the fly on the wall.

I can say that from personal experience (to counter some of the pps above referring to investigations into such matters with women making shit up.. when I reported someone who assaulted me to their employer (I was a service user let’s say) he was believed unquestionably by his colleagues. He had staff laughing at me. The female investigators laughed (during interview) and smirked at me. (The police found it less funny). I wonder what they think now that I’ve taken him through civil court (he stopped denying it by then and just pretended he couldn’t remember).

I wish there was a way for you to KNOW. There isn’t. Workplace investigations aren’t going to solve much necessarily and anyway the important thing at the moment is that you have to live with him for the near future.. what can you and he do to make that tolerable and workable?

I wish you the best OP (I’ll bow off this thread now because actually it’s “triggering” as people say for me and I have to be careful not to allow rumination to start up again. All the best.