No contact with entire family ~ am I that unusual?

[BangingBaubles]

I have been disowned by my entire family which obviously hits hard at this time of year. DC also feel it with friends talking about Christmas with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc.

DC said earlier tonight that he’s been invited to a family Christmas party at his friends grandparents house and was a bit sad about not having contact with his which is what prompted me thinking about it tonight.

I don’t know anyone in the same boat as us and nor do DC so it definitely does feel like we’re the weird ones!

AIBU to think we are in quite an extreme situation?

Families are just people - some we like, and some we don't. If we stop putting the concept of "family" on a pedestal, and simply choose the people we want to see (or not), then it all becomes much simpler. We don't automatically need "family" just because of a biological link.

Obviously some context here as to why would be helpful. But my kids didn’t have my parents around as they died when my kids were pretty young and the in laws were happy with a couple hours over the holidays but that’s it. My sisters live abroad. So no don’t think not having extended family around is unusual at all. In fact the majority of my friend have it just immediate family on the day, maybe visit a few others at some point but no huge gathering.

I am low contact with my parents and so not properly seeing them at Christmas. The last 3 Christmases of not seeing them have been hard, but they made a choice in rejecting me because of my choice of partner and step-children (completely unwarranted and extremely hurtful). It is hard but honestly most people wouldn’t know this about me because I just talk about our family Christmas with me, DP and our kids. I think a lot of people who don’t see family at Christmas exist, but won’t be talking about it.

I’m NC with siblings and very low contact with remaining parent. I have a young DC but no other young relatives so it means that for Christmas it is only ever the 3 of us.

We’re quite used to it now and it’s fine. In some ways when I hear others talking about big family get togethers I think how awful that must be because I equate it to my own extended family. It makes it very easy to accept our circumstances.

The notion of having siblings/cousins etc that I got on with seems so fanciful that I simply don’t spend any time thinking about it despite knowing that is probably normal for most people.

@MissMountshafftit is heartbreaking I have the added complication that I was adopted at birth by dm and dad who passed away when I was 18 months old but dsis is their biological child
we weren’t treated differently growing up but as adults dsis who is single childless but had a good job was constantly bailed out financially as I think dm felt sorry for her we are talking tens of thousands of pounds never paid back and I never asked where is mine. Did dm favour dsis I am not sure she I am sure if I was in a pickle she would of helped me but it was repeated behaviour from dsis booking holidays home improvements cars she couldn’t afford

there are obviously red flags I’ve ignored turned a blind eye to and more to my story but I don’t want to derail your post

I have accepted what dsis has done and am at peace with it for my own mental health and nothing to do with the money although it is a substantial amount £300k plus is my share of the house I don’t want anything to do with someone who can be so cruel to not only me and my dc but to dm she has tainted our memories of her last few years dm has nc with her only gc because of dsis

some days are just difficult today was my last day in the office as we wfh over Christmas and hearing people spending time with family mine don’t care if i am dead or alive and since finding out dm was in a care home i followed their sm and have seen a picture of her looking very frail and i am unsure if i should visit before its to late but there has been cognitive decline according to ss since i last saw her so will she remember me will it cause her distress me turning up

I’m NC or very very LC with all of my family too. They’ve done this to me and my adult DC. I’m heartbroken, and sad and angry about it all of the time and I cannot ever forgive them for this as it’s literally broken me.

currently none of my siblings will see me or speak to me so I’m missing the bils and sils also and the very dear nieces and nephews because of all of them. and my mum is ‘allowed’ for want of a better word to speak to me on the phone once a week, see me if I go home to visit her but I guess not allowed to visit me…..she’s not come to our home in 8 years now. Well she’s never seen this home as we moved 6 years ago. My father occasionally texts me, divorced from my mother and now also divorced from my step mother.

i am finding this Christmas especially hard I’m struggling beyond belief, my relationship is not going too well currently. So I will be spending the day at home with my pets trying to not think about it all as it whirls around my head. I don’t think this is common no I’ve only ever known on other person estranged from a parent and sibling but still saw cousins aunts etc. I literally have no one.

I didn't realise how common it was until I met DH and he was NC. I then became much more aware of other people I knew who were NC or very low contact. I also think the older we get the more common it is as people eventually hit their limit.
I was quite oblivious in my 20s to how many dysfunctional and quite awful people/families there are out there and I find it very sad.

this is exactly what has just happened to me and I’m heartbroken my sister stopped a goodbye and collecting of photos or things from their house - I got a card just telling me the facts afterwards and he’s 2-3 hours away - it’s awful esp at this time of year - I just have to hang on that my dad colluded with my sister while ok so brought this situation about, but I feel your pain about whether to visit - I’m actually really emotionally low myself at the moment and don’t think I can put myself in that position - I did the same thing and looked on homes SM and there was my dad looking really not with it - you have to make sure you go if you go for you and for me right now it would be too painful

im so sorry this has happened to you too..it’s heartbreaking - but I’m finding a comfort I’m not alone ❤️‍🩹

OneNewEagle

i will be at home too trying to process it on Xmas day - it’s going be very painful, will be cuddling my 🐶 also 🥰🥰

BangingBaubles

you are not alone - it’s happened to me in a family of 5 children - step
and biological

I too challenged the family narrative in a very non Blamey loving way - out I go. My sister has the power and once she vetoed me my dad and step mum couldn’t advocate or be parents and keep out of it - instead they compartmentalised and started to leave me out of things

so so painful

and it’s hard to keep contact with other siblings when this is in the middle of it A so you are even more isolated

It’s much easier said than done as it goes against all your bodily instincts as well
as societies

No uncommon at all. Having a functional family is such a blessing in life.

I think it is unusual yes, and must be very difficult for you emotionally.

A friend of mine has a very difficult relationship with her family and has had periods of NC. She told me once that being in contact with them is extremely challenging and often distressing but being NC is just the same, in a different way.

It has happened to me and is surprisingly common. It's hard especially at Christmas time when idealised families surround you in advertising. In rhe longer term you can feel better though ... it hugely helps when you realise that the people concerned are disasters who you wouldn't otherwise choose to have in your life. Family can be very overrated.

In orher words, sending hugs to the OP and all others on this thread who have gone through this, or are going through it. It can be dreadful but in the long term it can leave you feeling much better and appreciative of the good people in your life, whether friends, colleagues, other family. I survived it, so will you! Xx

I haven't spoken to any blood relatives, including parents and older sister, for almost twenty five years. My father is a narcissist, possibly a psychopath as well (he displays many of the behaviours of one). My mother is trapped as his enabler, and used to deflect his (mostly non physi) abuse back onto me, the scapegoat. My sister is the golden child and very similar to my father, and was also happy to treat me like dirt.

My now ex partner of twenty years decided he was a woman, which I couldn't live with, so I had to split with him. I've bought him out of our house, so won't have much spare money due to the remortgage needed. I never had children as didn't want them. So, apart from the cats, it's really just me now. At least I can work Christmas day so I'll have company.

Luckily, where I work, we see all sorts of families, issues, pain, suffering - among both staff and non staff - so there's actually more understanding of unusual situations. It helps a lot.

More or less same boat. We have my dh family but they live on the other side of world and even then there are no cousins for my dc.
My dc had a few years with cousins and enjoyed it but all contact stopped a few years ago. In my case due to abuse and being the scapegoat when I called it out. No one chose me when I was the victim, so once I did the therapy I realised I had to choose me. So we moved our children far away. It’s just us now.

One of the hardest things also is societies view that it’s the children of there is difficulty

such pressure - I’d be a millionaire if had £1 for every time I’ve heard “but she’s your mother” - now I say “yes and she did all that harm to us” - she’s dead now and I mostly feel relief - huge societal tabou!

I have zero contact with any of mine.

For those of you whose family have gone nc with them do you ever wonder if they think of you on special dates etc my circumstances are complicated for her own finances gain it was dsis who went nc with me initially and i no longer want anything to do with her due to her behaviour but as we as a family were really close i often wonder if she thinks of us on our birthdays my wedding anniversary we celebrated a milestone anniversary this year my dc birthday who she was very close to it’s ds 21st soon I suppose the fact i am even asking this question proves we are not alike

My whole family is no contact with my sister but that’s because she’s a really awful person and has tried to ruin many peoples lives, it was really the last straw so sometimes there’s a good reason.

Sometimes the special dates are used to 'hoover' but otherwise I think they don't really think of me. I think they have consigned me to the cosmic dustbin as a 'black hat' because I stopped enabling.

I’m tortured by wondering, it’s so so very painful 💔 ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I’m not sure who is NC with whom in my family. I’m definitely would see myself as being NC with them but I think they likely say that they are NC with me. It is better this way on both sides for everyone.

There is huge dysfunctional dynamics, a long history of grooming and CSA and a hefty degree of narcissistic traits, I just don’t want to be part of it anymore.

It has been the best part of a decade and while the early years were painful honestly I have a great life now and it is just my normal.

I think there is a degree of cognitive dissonance about knowing what family “should be” and knowing that mine is nothing like that which of course is painful sometimes but that is life. When a “should be” thought hits, I quickly remind myself of the reality and move on. I love Christmas and I don’t allow other peoples failings to take from my present or future. They took enough from me, no more.

Hi, I am also disowned by my entire family and always worried and felt guilty about my children missing out, especially being a single parent too. I understand how you must be feeling and I know it’s really tough but we do the best we can. It took me a long time and a lot of heartache to accept things and feel at peace. Please feel free to reach out if you’d like to. I understand x

True.