AIBU to let 7 year old ds pull a sickie on schools sports day?

[titchy]

ds is a rather sensitive 7 year old in Yr 2. He is a bit immature emotionally and desperate for a best friend, since his best friend left school two years ago (ds still talks about him and feels guilty that his freind might have left cos ds bit him - obviously we have re-assured till we're blue int he face). He now has a small friendship group and we have a contender for a best friend tho' ds still has huge issues with his temper, but socialy he is getting more and more confident.

However he is quite small, and rather behind in gross motor skills (cannot ride a bike yet) so will undoubtedly come last in all the races he is in, as he has for the last two years. The magnitude of this for him is enormous. Although we stress it's not winning it's the taking part etc etc he HATES/is embarrassed by always being last. He feels the odd one out. He feels everyone laughs at him cos he can't run fast. He has been absolutely inconsolable the last few evening as the dreaded day draaws closer.

So I am thinking of phoning school on the morning of the day and saying he's ill. AIBU? FWIW I wholeheartedy agree that children need to understand that they have to do stuff they don;t like sometimes (dd also hates sports day but she will be taking part). However in ds' case I think it will destroy his self confidence which we've been building and at 7 years old I don't really see theh pont of him doing someting which has such an effect on him emotionally.

So...am I?

Great suggestion from M&J (ah a kindred spirit too!)

He gets let off this year but the deal is you and he will pick one of the things they do at sports day and practise it together so he will have something he can have a good go at next year. That way you are being constructive and it's not a "get out of jail free forever" type thing - but also not putting him through the suffering.

This sounds such a painful situation and I empathise very much.

Chucking a sickie sounds totally reasonable to spare him pain.

But I agree that he shouldn't know you've lied about it. I also wonder what the school might do to address your concerns? Maybe the PHSE coordinator or someone appropriate might be able to talk to your ds before hand?

A friend and I helped last yr at my ds's Yr 1 sports day and it was pretty rubbish but they did stream the kids by sporting ability. One girl was finding it hard to keep losing and she just threw a sobbing fit for about an hour, her mother was mortified.

But the same girl came first in all the termly 'merits' awards etc. So one mother said to me: "That one has to learn that she's not always the best at things". I don't know though if your ds has other strengths to compensate for this perception of being weakness.

Good luck with whatever you decide, such a hard decision.

sorry! huge techno blip there!

My dd, no co-ordination whatsoever, was so far behind in the sack race that her teacher picked the sack up with her in it and carried her through the line She still goes on about how great it was to come last 2 years later!
I think that you should talk your concerns over with the school as they seem to run deeper than just the sports day. A more long term solution could be found to help him find his confidence and a new bf.
Helping out rather than taking part may be beneficial?
I only learnt to ride my bike the other week at 27.

I think you should set the ground work and try to say something light such as 'see it as a day off x (least favourite subject) iyswim. Make it out to be a bit of fun for a day. Explain that its important to try his best and that he will get better with practice at it.
The thing is, that if you let him have a sickie this year, what happens next year and so on. It will become a terrifying prospect for him. The best way to cure a fear is to face it head on ime.
I can understand your feelings as a mother though

Oh it's the competetive type of sports day I'm afraid. From reception to yr 6. 4 children per race, each representing thier house. OK I'll talk to him a bit more about it - see if I can get hm to understand. Thing is tho' he just says 'I know it doesn;t matter where you come but I just feel really bad about always cominglast'

He is very bright academically, and a whizz on anything electronic (his dream is to be a playstation games tester ). And yes his concerns do run deeper, but I think we're coming through those.

Maybe I could say that although I think it's important to try your best and take part, if you're ill on the day then of course you don't have to go to school....

And bless him he's as honest as the day is long - he wouldn't take advantage and start demand sickies all over the place.

Tori - that reminds me - ds told my mum who was a bit nervous about going on the trampoline 'Just have a go - it's always good to face your fears' - he was only 5!!!

Oh lord. How unpleasant. I really feel for him and repeat my support of your original plan... though I realise I'm outnumbered!

YANBU. I would call in sick for him. I would do it every year if I had to. Some children are more sensitive than others. Let them be sensitive. I don't think you should always force them to confront situations they don't like. They have enough to deal with already. Let him stay at home and eat ice cream.

My parents kept my sister off on sports day for exactly the same reason. Both my parents were teachers and were honest about the reason why (sis had motor skills problems) and said it would be too detrimental to her confidence as it was so physically competitive. She had also been bullied previously and was desparate not to draw attention to herself.

The teachers at the school didn't agree but tbh, there was little they could do.

Sis went on to love school and she never took the p1ss and asked for ad hoc days off.

She's v successful btw, so it didn't do her any harm!

hth x

Have you tried talking to the school? You may well found that they are unaware of quite how stressed he is about it.

If push came to shove I think I would keep him off but find some way such that he didn't know you lied to the school (if you do in fact have to lie)

Oh tut at the school titchy I have a ds who was so last in his race in Reception that a small friend noticed he was off the radar and stopped dead so he caught up, and they ambled across the line together
Mine is often last due to sheer lack of speed rather than any other issue. But he has other skills which mean that he is often 2nd or 3rd in team relay races which involve careful lobbing of bean bags into buckets etc. Your school should have a range of events so that more children have a fighting chance - and should also foster a culture of celebrating effort and good sportsmanship.
Your ds' day will come...mine shows signs of good middle-distance potential, as he has good stamina but not the burn required for sprinting. And of course it is all about 30 metre dashing in juniors...
Don't keep him off though.

I would have loved to have you as a mum!!

I hated sports day with a passion. I was one of those kids who was top of the class academically and bottom athletically.

I am tempted to say just go for it, let him have a sickie. However, I do see the point that you shouldn't be caught telling a fib. So...

Personally, I would avoid talking to the school in case they say they won't authorise the absence. Then you are stuck with either making him attend, or having unauthorised absence. A dentist check up? Doctor's appointment? That he actually does have to go to (not recommending wasting drs time though!!). Feel his forehead on the morning and say "my goodness you're roasting, can't possibly send you to school???"

A couple of times my mum said to me things like 'how does your leg feel now?' and 'oh you poor thing, let me look at that for you' etc etc. There was nothing the matter with me physically but I was very upset about not fitting in at my new school (aged 6).
I would then start going on about how much my leg hurt and she would ring school and say I had hurt my leg. At the time I did not feel I was lying as my mum had convinced me that I was hurt.
She understood how difficult it was for me and saw it that it was more acceptable and easier for me if I had a physical symptom rather than 'just upset' which people tend to brush off.
Of course I went back to school after a couple of lovely days with my Mum and felt happier in myself.
For the record, my mum is possibly the strictest mother known rather than a soft touch!

DS1 is also in yr 2 although he is tall and a quick runner, he has no co-ordination at all.
Until this year, sports day has been a kind of demonstration, where small groups of children move around stations and maybe hit a ball up in the air, or jump hurdles, walk along a bench, do forward rolls etc. Although DS wasn't great at anything it didn't really matter.

This year they're "trying something different" and it's going to be races eg egg spoon, sack, balancing bean bag etc. DS1 seems to be looking forward to it, but I'm really nervous for him Wouldn't dream of keeping him off school though.

I would really hope that the school are aware enough not to let it affect a child's confidence, but sounds like that might not be the case for your son. I agree you need to talk to the school and ask them what they are doing to ensure the poorly performing kids' self-esteem isn't damaged.

My eldest boy has a bone problem, walks with a limp and can't run very fast at all. He always came last in every race, until last year when he came second to last - this was a hge achievement for him and he was so proud. He is bright and finds most things easy/enjoyable at school. So i point out to him that there are people in his class who feel like he does about sports day but they feel it about maths/reading etc, which they have to do every day, not just once a year.

good luck with whatever you decide

Oh I didn't realise it's one of those hyper competitive ones -than I'd say keep him away. Ritual humilation for the sake of it isn't great imo either!

YANBU.

As the parent of an anxious 8yo DS you have my sympathy.

DS used to have school dinners but was frightened of "the pudding lady". I kept it going, thinking it was best for him to confront the fears and "de-sensitise" him. Eventually my wise and lovely Mum said; "Oh FGS, he's got enough else to deal with, let him have a packed lunch".

She was right.

Review the situation for next year, he may be a lot more relaxed and confident by then, but let him off this year.

Let him stay home and lie to the school! He's only 7! It will mean so much more to him to know his mum is understanding and on his side, that he has someone to champion him. There is nothing positive he could learn from going because his emotional stress is too great.

I wouldn't let him stay at home an lie to the school. It is giving him the wrong message. I would have a word with the teacher and get her to leave him out of the highly competitive races and put him in a novelty race. I have known DCs with all sorts of disabilities have a go and the other DCs respect them for it. My DS was very poor at reading but that doesn't give the option of removing him from the situation!

I havn't read the rest of thread but in your shoes I would let your son be 'sick' for sports day. But only for this year - tell him he has to do it next year. Hopefully by then he will either have got more physically confident or have got a 'best friend'.

I allowed my son to throw a sickie the day his year were doing cross country running (I started a thread on mumnset about it too!). He had knee problems so found it physically difficult to run - and very painful. Also he was in the first year of secondary school, just a few weeks into the first term. He was desperate to fit in. He worried that all his classmates would laugh at him - he hadn't been at the school long enough to make friends.

He was so grateful! and since then has done the run each year (or rather 'walk' in his case).

I think it's important to show your children that you do listen to them and that you do not always slavishly follow school rules.

You never know, his teacher may have noticed how upset he is getting about the event and bee hoping that you pull him out for the day, but cannot, of course, tell you this.

Difficult situation but I do not think pulling a sickie is a good idea not matter how hard it will be. If he is doing well at other things then he does know how it feels to be top of the class . I would encourage him to stick it out no matter how hard. The most successful people in life always try, no matter how hard it is for them. Having said that I do understand how hard it is to watch them struggling but he really will be better off in the long run giving it a go. Our school always encourages all children and everone gets a cheer, the loudest cheers are always for those who stick out and cross the line last!
Good Luck.

I agree mamablue, children who stick it out get a huge cheer. Other children respect a DC who tries. It isn't a good lesson in life to avoid the difficult.It is a one off event,a lot of children struggle academically and have to live with it every day.

I do sympathise with your dc as I was the child at sports day who never won a race, but I think YABU if you let him miss it.

I would make a dentist appointment or something
The school my dds go to, they have cut out the races etc, where pople could be seen to be slower, les able than others.
Its all a team effort, points scored by the group and timed, so everythings going so quick you wouldnt notice if someone missed a goal, etc