To leave family alone for Christmas and new year

[Orquid9]

Please help me bring some sense to me. SAD has hit me very hard this year and I am about to buy a ticket costing more than 2k to go to my home country in the tropics: leaving DH and DD18 and DD14 alone for Christmas and new year. DD2 will be 15 on Christmas day.

Every day I wake up wanting to scape, I feel very low atm. We don’t have family in the UK as DH is from Australia

Do you want to escape from just the weather here or your family? I take it tickets for all of you are unaffordable hence you are considering going alone.

Of course it's unreasonable to just do this without discussing it with your family but as a one-off if they are ok about it I don't think it's automatically a bad idea.

What will happen next year though and the next year? The SAD won't go away and this won't be an annual solution.

Could they not go with you? Or do you not want them to?

They will be fine. The break will be good for you, they’re not babies.
My parents went away for Christmas occasionally when we were teenagers. It didn’t do us any harm, go away, get yourself feeling refreshed for the new year ahead.

YABU. Can't you go after Christmas? Especially as it is your DD's birthday as well.

They will be fine

I don’t think they will, especially the 15 year old on her birthday. That’s the sort of story she’ll be telling her counsellor in adulthood.

The 15 year old will remember it forever, it’s bad enough her birthday is on Christmas but her mother leaving to go on a holiday by herself? Strange. If you go don’t expect to have the same relationship with them again.

I do think that would be unreasonable.

Are you doing anything else to combat the SAD? There’s a variety of options pre booking a ticket to the tropics.

I think with 10 days to go, suddenly booking a ticket to miss both Christmas and your youngest DDs birthday would perhaps have more repercussions than if you’d booked 6 months ago with everyone’s knowledge. In your youngest DDs shoes that would probably really devastate me.

I wouldn’t go and miss my DC’s birthday. Could you go immediately after boxing day? I suppose the celebrations will still be ongoing if your cpu try is like any others I know in the tropics.

Why don't you all go?

You need a more long term solution. Presumably this happens every year and will happen again next year.
What does your husband say?
I would think it very likely that your children, especially your youngest, will find this very hurtful and might start different issues that will cause more problems further down the line.
I know my 15 year old would be very sad if I chose to miss her birthday and Xmas day.

Is there more to this? Why can’t you book leave and go after Christmas? Or if you just need sunshine, book a family break somewhere hot?

Why dont you all move to Australia. I would, in a heartbeat.

You should definitely go and have some time in your home country but maybe go after your DDs birthday, or all go if you can afford it x

I think that would be selfish and very hurtful for your dc.

Extremely selfish!

It will be around 10k and DD1 has an exam early January. We also went in October all together for 2.5 weeks. And I am going back in April for 2 weeks alone.

Our jobs are here and the kids life and schools; don’t think they want to move there either. It will be very disruptive at this point in their lifes

DD2 birthday is Christmas day?

How can you say "they will be fine" - you have absolutely no idea what's going on in the house. The kids could be failing school, a friend could have a devastating life threatening illness and needs their family support at this devastating time. A harsh example (admittedly) to show you've absolutely no basis to say "they will be fine".

OP - you're obviously trying to run from something. What is it? What's causing you to want to flee... Whatever you're fleeing; those thoughts will not disperse by running away, they will follow you, but you wont have any of your support network around you if you run.

What stresses are happening in your life.

Considering that you've been so recently and are booked to go again alone soon, personally I couldn't leave my child on their birthday/Christmas. It's up to you obviously, but I do think it would be selfish. Why can't you at least delay and go on Boxing Day?
You need to find a solution to your unhappiness though. You can't just keep running and not addressing the cause.

Based on this, yes you would be unreasonable. I don’t think a visit home will address the issue.

Where you've said you want to escape... Sit with that and explore what it is you are wanting to escape and why?

If it's the general stress of Xmas prep, get DH to do more/consider an alternative Xmas dinner etc.

I personally think not being there on your DDs Birthday is something she will remember and may struggle with.

Also, have you tried SAD lamp/having sunbeds, other things to help your mental health: exercise, fresh air, nourishing food etc.

You are not alone in your thoughts. X

Agree with this. You can’t keep running, it catches up with you in the end, and in the meantime you’re possibly ruining your relationship with your daughters, and maybe even your husband, for ever.

Have you been to the GP? Are you on medication?

That does sound unreasonable. Your children would likely be very sad that you prioritised time in the sun over being with them for Christmas and one of their birthdays. You've been recently. You're going again soon.

SAD is horrible; what support do you get with that? You sound incredibly low in mood and also somewhat in the grip of the selfish desperation that can come with it (I have a long history of depression and anxiety, I recognise that there are times it makes me selfish due to the sheer desperation to escape the misery). Is medication an option? Have you tried all the various things that can take some of the edge off such as light therapy lamps? If you have £2k to drop on the trip you have £2k to whack your heating up and fill your home with light so there are options.

But is this really a SAD thing, or are you running away from something else? Because a sudden "I'm sodding off for Christmas and our child's birthday and none of you are coming with me" decision seems to suggest there is something else there.

Fellow SAD sufferer here and I feel for you, but going off for Christmas and missing a child's birthday is unreasonable, IMO. Especially if the £10k will be missed, and given that you're going alone in April for 2 weeks. If your DCs have enough going on at home (eg exams) that they can't afford the time away, then perhaps that's an indicator that the sudden absence of a parent would be unwise.