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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hi Im just wondering have I caused all this . And him ending it .

70 replies

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:43

Hi this is long but I will try to keep this short .

i was coming up 7 weeks Pregant and had a miss carriage which started two days ago. Still on going now. So I will have to go to the hospital at one point soon.
i stayed home when I started bleeding . He was up his but I could tell by the texts he drank as soon as I left . Usual thing unfortunately. I text him to say I started bleeding and that I was sorry . Asking him is he ok ect . He didn’t reply for an hour and again I could tell he was pissed . The living situation has caused me a lot of stress constantly up and down between two houses because his dog is an absolute nightmare and every single day rips his whole house apart . He was making plans for her to go with somone who doesn’t work and we would move in together but again iv heard this multiple times .
also since finding out I was pregnant it’s been constant stress due to him leaving , taking drugs being horrible . So an abortion was on my mind for a while .
so after I text him no reply for an hour . I do reply to what he says then the text after that was I promise il give you the stabilty you need very soon . In an odd way it upset me because I should have had it long ago and again hes drunk talking . I get up for work at 4 am and assumed maybe he would phone me . I had nothing . Until 10-30 . And again no phone call just a text . And it all just really upset me . I asked him why hasn’t he phoned and he said he’s been sleeping. In other words he was up all night drinking and taking drugs . He phoned me and straight away had a go asking what I was having a go at him for and what exactly did I expect him to do . I knew it would be this way. And the sad thing is when I seen the blood I honestly didn’t want to tell him . I said If it was the other way around I would have at least if phoned you , asked you if you needed anything , even would have come down to see you . Or even offered to walk the dog , my dog so I didnt have to come home at 8 am to walk him in pain and rush back to work .

this all annoyed him even more . He started shouting . I always put him down , he was tired . Sorry hes not this perfect person . I said I don’t need perfect just Some one who cares . Anything goes wrong or he does something bad and I get upset and this is how it goes every single time . He put the phone down . Phones me back an hour later i can tell hes either took something or drank again and hes flipping out . So I end the call just said I don’t need this . He texts me loads of abuse ending it and telling me to go find someone else and to F off . So iv blocked him on everything because I honestly don’t need this right now . And I. Not heard from him since and I won’t unless I appologise . I really need to know if I have caused all this ? Im so stressed and sad . Thankyou

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 16/12/2025 05:49

Set your bar higher. You don’t want someone who does drugs.

Im sorry for your loss, and I hope you’re giving yourself the kindness he is incapable of giving you.

Quitelikeit · 16/12/2025 05:49

How sad that you would want this pathetic excuse as a father to your child.

I really don’t know why you think he os suitable?

That aside I am sorry for your loss and I’m not sure it’s wise to go to work if you are miscarrying

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:53

Thankyou very much for your replies. I knew that this was a huge mistake when I found out . But he promised me that a baby would change him , he woudlnt do drugs again . I hate drugs and never touched them in my life . All this after I found out . Two days after finding out he basically ditched me and was taking coke . Didn’t hear off him fot a few days after this because he made me seem like it was me kicking off for nothing and he was annoyed at me . I honestly think this has happened because I was totally stressed 24/7 . Just about the way he is , if he had took drugs I could go on and on .

OP posts:
maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:54

Also unfortunately I have to go to work as I have no days off left to take . I was involved in an accident a few months ago and had 4 months off so anymore and they would sack me

OP posts:
UncleTed · 16/12/2025 05:54

So sorry you lost your baby. None of your relationship issues are your fault. You are better off far away from him. He’s an abusive addict.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 16/12/2025 05:55

Sorry for your loss, but this excuse of a. man sounds like the biggest loser on earth.

You have your own home luckily so cut all ties.

He's an abusive addict. Why do you think this is what you deserve.

Please look after yourself and go and get yourself checked out as soon as possible.

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:55

Another thing is hes not in work . Lost a few jobs , can’t hack being told what to do so always kicks up a fuss either gets sacked or walks out . Sacked for drinking in work , and drug use . God knows when he will get work now . Probably after Christmas. And it’s like he doesn’t care either

OP posts:
ColinOfficeTrolley · 16/12/2025 05:57

So what are you agonising over?

Leave, block, change your locks if necessary.

Greyhound98 · 16/12/2025 05:57

You need to stop caring about this fuck up of a disappointing man. He will let you down time and time again. Keep him blocked and use your friends and family for support rather than him.
Sorry for your loss, try to look after yourself.

MinnieMountain · 16/12/2025 05:58

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:55

Another thing is hes not in work . Lost a few jobs , can’t hack being told what to do so always kicks up a fuss either gets sacked or walks out . Sacked for drinking in work , and drug use . God knows when he will get work now . Probably after Christmas. And it’s like he doesn’t care either

None of that is your problem OP.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 16/12/2025 05:59

And also, I'm pretty sure as long as it's confirmed in a GP letter, you can't be sacked for pregnancy related sickness.

Houndsahollering · 16/12/2025 06:02

Block him and don’t dare waste another second of your time thinking/fretting/questioning if this break up is your fault. He’s a drunk and a junkie and couldn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. You will always be way down the list of his priorities and he is no way shape or form fit to be a father.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 16/12/2025 06:04

I’m sorry you’re hurting, and you may not see it now, but this is for the best. You are not going to be tied to this man for the rest of your life. Move on and don’t look back.

WonderingWanda · 16/12/2025 06:07

I'm so sorry for your loss op. You haven't causes your loss or his behaviour but you have settled for less than you deserve.

This is perfect moment to ditch this waste of space and be grateful that you will no longer be saddled to a life involving him.

Please leave and find someone nicer to start a family with. And please try to avoid getting pregnant until the next man has shown much more effort towards being a decent partner.

LoudSnoringDog · 16/12/2025 06:10

Don’t waste anymore of your life with this man.

Loooper · 16/12/2025 06:13

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. If you are in pain and need to go to hospital you absolutely can take time off work. You can’t be sacked for doing that, it’s classed as an emergency. You need a note from a doctor to justify it. You should also get checked out by a doctor to make sure that the MC is complete.
See this as a new start. You are so much better off without this horrible man, and a baby with him would have been a disaster. He will never change. Stay strong and never have anything to do with him ever again.

haveaword · 16/12/2025 06:15

Sorry for your loss

Caused what? His behaviour- no that’s on him. The loss? Unfortunately majority of miscarriages remain unexplained.

He cares about his substance use and will put that before anyone.

It shouldn’t be this difficult to communicate and be in a relationship

You are going through a difficult few days. Look after yourself, he isn’t going to give you you need

In the coming week or so - kindly reflect on this when the worst has passed and I say this with compassion- this maybe hard but also a catalyst for a better life as you deserve more

PollyBell · 16/12/2025 06:15

You have had a lucky escape you need to learn from. this and look at why you think subjecting a child to this as a father is a good idea

DaisyChain505 · 16/12/2025 06:17

Raise your bar and want more for yourself.

This person is not a good life partner and definitely wouldn’t have been a good father.

TheCountessofLocksley · 16/12/2025 06:19

Have to agree with the advice you’ve received. Please don’t let this man back into your life. I’m sorry for you loss but please prioritise your mental and physical well-being. A miscarriage should be treated as
pregnancy related sickness and should not affect your sick/absence record. If they sack you after you tell them why you’re off you they have unlawfully discriminated and you have grounds for a tribunal

Shedmistress · 16/12/2025 06:20

This all sounds like utter chaos and my recommendation is to get yourself to a hospital for the care you need for your current situation. Then get some stability in your life without a complete and utter drug addled loser dragging out down.

moose62 · 16/12/2025 06:28

Why on earth are you even with this man?
What does he do for you?
An unemployed, abusive drunk and druggie...hardly father material.
I'm surprised you even have to think about whether this is your fault. Just block...block...block him from every aspect of your life. He doesn't care about you!

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 06:28

These were the last texts I had off him before I blocked him. Again this is what makes me feel bad . He phoned and I blocked him . He only phoned because I asked why he hadn’t Im over 14 hours , and me running away . I only block him when he phones and goes mental and I can’t take it anymore or he does really bad things . Such as drugs after promising me he won’t or porn . That’s another whole story but I have had hell with him and porn and it really upsets me

OP posts:
maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 06:29

Iv posted a photo but it’s under review

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 16/12/2025 06:30

You have not said one good thing about him. Please don’t bring a child into this relationship.