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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hi Im just wondering have I caused all this . And him ending it .

70 replies

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:43

Hi this is long but I will try to keep this short .

i was coming up 7 weeks Pregant and had a miss carriage which started two days ago. Still on going now. So I will have to go to the hospital at one point soon.
i stayed home when I started bleeding . He was up his but I could tell by the texts he drank as soon as I left . Usual thing unfortunately. I text him to say I started bleeding and that I was sorry . Asking him is he ok ect . He didn’t reply for an hour and again I could tell he was pissed . The living situation has caused me a lot of stress constantly up and down between two houses because his dog is an absolute nightmare and every single day rips his whole house apart . He was making plans for her to go with somone who doesn’t work and we would move in together but again iv heard this multiple times .
also since finding out I was pregnant it’s been constant stress due to him leaving , taking drugs being horrible . So an abortion was on my mind for a while .
so after I text him no reply for an hour . I do reply to what he says then the text after that was I promise il give you the stabilty you need very soon . In an odd way it upset me because I should have had it long ago and again hes drunk talking . I get up for work at 4 am and assumed maybe he would phone me . I had nothing . Until 10-30 . And again no phone call just a text . And it all just really upset me . I asked him why hasn’t he phoned and he said he’s been sleeping. In other words he was up all night drinking and taking drugs . He phoned me and straight away had a go asking what I was having a go at him for and what exactly did I expect him to do . I knew it would be this way. And the sad thing is when I seen the blood I honestly didn’t want to tell him . I said If it was the other way around I would have at least if phoned you , asked you if you needed anything , even would have come down to see you . Or even offered to walk the dog , my dog so I didnt have to come home at 8 am to walk him in pain and rush back to work .

this all annoyed him even more . He started shouting . I always put him down , he was tired . Sorry hes not this perfect person . I said I don’t need perfect just Some one who cares . Anything goes wrong or he does something bad and I get upset and this is how it goes every single time . He put the phone down . Phones me back an hour later i can tell hes either took something or drank again and hes flipping out . So I end the call just said I don’t need this . He texts me loads of abuse ending it and telling me to go find someone else and to F off . So iv blocked him on everything because I honestly don’t need this right now . And I. Not heard from him since and I won’t unless I appologise . I really need to know if I have caused all this ? Im so stressed and sad . Thankyou

OP posts:
maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 07:24

Il try to answer more questions when I leave work but I do really appreciate every single one . And understand how stupid this whole thing is . I feel like iv been worn right down and would have done anything for him to choose me , love me like anyone should be loved and in all this pathetic mess everything has spiralled constantly . I knew deep down that a baby wouldn’t change him . That’s another reason why I was petrified and booked an abortion . Abortion is for two weeks. I got myself in such a mess about having a baby and told him that it was the worst thing in the world because if he didn’t change what he would be like as a father . I would have walked away because his actions would have made me a not very good mother and that poor baby didnt ask for any of it .

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 16/12/2025 07:25

Take his dog and end the relationship. If the drinking and drugs aren’t enough to show you he’s not a good person, the fact that he doesn’t care for his dog properly should tell you everything about how selfish and irresponsible he is.

(a couple of weeks of training will fix the separation anxiety the dog has, then there’d be no more destructive behaviour when it’s left alone)

I’m sorry you have lost the baby, but please get far away from this man.

Meadowfinch · 16/12/2025 07:26

Yanbu but for goodness sake stop wasting your time on a drunk drugged-up loser who doesn't give a toot about you or his unborn child.
He's ended it. Fantastic. Blook him on all channels and spend some time repairing your self esteem before dating next year.

adaywithy · 16/12/2025 07:26

you haven’t caused any of this. He’s an abusive useless arse. Glad to hear that you’ve already blocked him. Whatever happens stay away. You deserve much much better.

Sorry you’re having a missed miscarriage. That is hard. Just take it hour by hour. Do you have friends or family to lean on or someone to help?

Timefortea87 · 16/12/2025 07:27

The above person who said you are in a coercive, abusive and dangerous relationship was right.
Sorry to post again but I really want you to be okay. Please go to the hospital, your life and health is far more important than a job.
And please find a way to completely block him - even try ringing your phone company. Or even better please go to the police. Find a way to shut him out of your life for good.

loganrock · 16/12/2025 07:28

OP I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time, but please, please do not let this man back into your life. He will make you miserable and would be a terrible father.

Give yourself the best Christmas ever. A present of dignity, self-respect and above all, freedom.

OrwellianTimes · 16/12/2025 07:30

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Now ditch this waste of space man - you deserve a lot better.

Astra53 · 16/12/2025 07:34

You need to get rid and live your own life. Apart from anything else, if you did have a baby with this man, what would happen if his dog decided to rip your child apart??

monkeysox · 16/12/2025 07:38

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 05:55

Another thing is hes not in work . Lost a few jobs , can’t hack being told what to do so always kicks up a fuss either gets sacked or walks out . Sacked for drinking in work , and drug use . God knows when he will get work now . Probably after Christmas. And it’s like he doesn’t care either

I voted yabu. As you have done nothing wrong.
Have a happy 2026 without that waste of space arse hole.
Im sorry about the baby. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better.

adaywithy · 16/12/2025 07:41

also, I would stop the close relationship with his mum I’m afraid. Even if she is nice and you two get on, she is his mum and he’ll always have access to you that way. He needs to be completely out of your life.

Sending you lots of strength for the next few days

RampantIvy · 16/12/2025 07:47

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 06:30

I can’t believe all these replies . I honestly thought you would all say it’s all my fault . So Thankyou all so much . I used to stay because I always thought deep down he was a nice person but hes not . He ruins every occasion thats supposed to be happy . I don’t know if you can see my other posts but thats just some of the things I have been through with him

He has really done a number on you for you to believe that everything is your fault.
You have had great advice already, but I will ditto the advice to get this poor excuse of a creature out of your life.

A miscarriage is horrible, but in this case it looka like you have dodged a bullet. You won't think this now, but in years to come when you aren't connected to this man in any way you will be thankful. Listen to your family and listen to the supportive posters on here.

Lastly, please get yourself to hospital. If you suspect an ectopic pregnancy it is an emergency.

💐

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 07:50

Timefortea87 · 16/12/2025 07:27

The above person who said you are in a coercive, abusive and dangerous relationship was right.
Sorry to post again but I really want you to be okay. Please go to the hospital, your life and health is far more important than a job.
And please find a way to completely block him - even try ringing your phone company. Or even better please go to the police. Find a way to shut him out of your life for good.

I have thought this for quite some time . Last time I left a few months ago . After he left me for hours Im the middle
of food said he woundnt be long . His friend has phoned him
in a mess and he promised me he wouldn’t do anything bad . 7 and a half hours later and he had been taking coke all night with that friend. Turns out the emergency was he battered his girlfriend. I then had phone calls saying he was going to me if he seen me in any shops local to us . Torture me first then slit my throat. It’s all recorded too . My daughter recorded it . Shes 21. And I know I have to leave for her too . Im a mess of a mother . She hated him from day one she said I can see straight through him the moment she looked at him . She said hes not nice like he’s making out too you. He made out he was a huge animal lover like me . Thats what drew me too him . My dog is my life . I love him
more than anything in the world . Turns out he actually doesn’t care about animals .

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 16/12/2025 07:53

Please don’t ever go back to him. You sound like you’ve got your life back and had a lucky escape. Whilst I’m sorry your have had a miscarriage, a baby really was not going to do anything but tie you to this loser forever. Please get some support and keep him blocked for good.

BeepBoopBop · 16/12/2025 08:10

I’m sorry for your loss and without minimalising you now have absolutely no excuse on earth to hitch your wagon to this excrement. Make better life choices now for your future children.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 16/12/2025 08:13

For god’s sake, raise your bar.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2025 08:34

Please don't let yourself be trusted like this OP. He disrespects you. He shows you he doesn't care about you. He breaks promises. He is an addict. He is nasty to you. And he twists everything around so its your fault.

Any one of these things would be a relationship ender for most people. So I think it would be worth having some counselling to work out why you settle for someone who treats you in this way and how you can realise you're worth more than this so that you can avoid future relationships where the same thing happens

Timefortea87 · 16/12/2025 08:43

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 07:50

I have thought this for quite some time . Last time I left a few months ago . After he left me for hours Im the middle
of food said he woundnt be long . His friend has phoned him
in a mess and he promised me he wouldn’t do anything bad . 7 and a half hours later and he had been taking coke all night with that friend. Turns out the emergency was he battered his girlfriend. I then had phone calls saying he was going to me if he seen me in any shops local to us . Torture me first then slit my throat. It’s all recorded too . My daughter recorded it . Shes 21. And I know I have to leave for her too . Im a mess of a mother . She hated him from day one she said I can see straight through him the moment she looked at him . She said hes not nice like he’s making out too you. He made out he was a huge animal lover like me . Thats what drew me too him . My dog is my life . I love him
more than anything in the world . Turns out he actually doesn’t care about animals .

Then you have two huge, important, amazing reasons to leave and leave for good. Your daughter and your dog. Sorry, three reasons - you. Because you are worth much more than this.
Please please go to the police and record all of this, as someone else said I’m afraid you’re going to have to end/cut your relationship with his mother too because you need a clean break to get away from him, no ties. This isn’t going to be easy, probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done - but you need to start a new life.
And please go to the hospital! Then give us an update later, I’d really like to know how you’re doing.
Take care

Eyeshadow · 16/12/2025 12:47

My daughter recorded it . Shes 21. And I know I have to leave for her too . Im a mess of a mother . She hated him from day one she said I can see straight through him the moment she looked at him

This makes me so sad!
I did not realise you were older and assumed you were early 20s.

This is so sad that your 21yo is acting more mature than you and almost sounds like she’s the parent.

You are very lucky that your DD is not in an abusive relationship if this is what you are showing her is normal.

Time to get a grip and grow up OP.
Cut all ties with him and move on.
Do not speak to him again.

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 12:54

Eyeshadow · 16/12/2025 12:47

My daughter recorded it . Shes 21. And I know I have to leave for her too . Im a mess of a mother . She hated him from day one she said I can see straight through him the moment she looked at him

This makes me so sad!
I did not realise you were older and assumed you were early 20s.

This is so sad that your 21yo is acting more mature than you and almost sounds like she’s the parent.

You are very lucky that your DD is not in an abusive relationship if this is what you are showing her is normal.

Time to get a grip and grow up OP.
Cut all ties with him and move on.
Do not speak to him again.

luckily my daughter isnt like me at all . She’s been in an amazing relationship with one of the nicest men i have ever met . He worships my daughter . He lives with us now . My ex has only ever been to my house three times and always when her and her boyfriend have gone away . But I know me being the way I have been has affected her and I know I can’t do it to her anymore . She’s a smart girl and would be gone in a second if she went through anything like me. Im just so stupid . I think I always have been . Her dad i was with for 11 years and it was hell towards the end thats why I left him , then obviously ended up here . I can’t even lie and say at the start he was different and that’s why I have stayed because he wasn’t . Sad to say he was actually worse . I honestly think this is all a trauma bond . But I know I can’t go back this time for everyone’s sake . Even his . Maybe one day he will meet someone who will be right for him and he will change

OP posts:
Timefortea87 · 16/12/2025 12:57

maybeinanotherlife06 · 16/12/2025 12:54

luckily my daughter isnt like me at all . She’s been in an amazing relationship with one of the nicest men i have ever met . He worships my daughter . He lives with us now . My ex has only ever been to my house three times and always when her and her boyfriend have gone away . But I know me being the way I have been has affected her and I know I can’t do it to her anymore . She’s a smart girl and would be gone in a second if she went through anything like me. Im just so stupid . I think I always have been . Her dad i was with for 11 years and it was hell towards the end thats why I left him , then obviously ended up here . I can’t even lie and say at the start he was different and that’s why I have stayed because he wasn’t . Sad to say he was actually worse . I honestly think this is all a trauma bond . But I know I can’t go back this time for everyone’s sake . Even his . Maybe one day he will meet someone who will be right for him and he will change

He will never change, and especially won’t change for anyone else when he can’t even change for himself.

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