So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

I'm shocked and disgusted on your behalf OP.
I can see how hurt you are by these comments. And the fact that she quickly dismissed you when you rang and then again your husband shows that she's a coward and feels guilty.
I think her apology..if you get one..won't be sincere.
But where do you go from here ?
DH would like to ignore it ..of course he would but that's not easy for you.
I'm afraid I wouldn't be offering hospitality..or anything else in the future

I don’t think she’s an evil, spiteful bitch (based on this text alone).
I suppose there are two scenarios - she doesn’t like you and is being nice, friendly, kind to your face purely because she wants to maintain a relationship with her son and therefore ‘sucks it up’ and vents to her friend after a visit. Which is what everyone on MN would recommend a MIL to do tbh. I suppose it’s better than her being rude and unkind whenever she sees you. If the text hadn’t been sent accidentally, no harm would be done by this approach so I’m wondering if it’s fair to accuse her of ‘fakeness’ when it’s actually what we’d tell a woman to do if she had a problem with her DIL?

Second scenario is that she does like you and is somehow concerned with your weight, rightly or wrongly. You may be ten lbs or 10 stone overweight so no idea if her concern is justified (not the mentioning it, the concern). Every chance she’s said to your husband ‘is all well with Amy, she’s put on so much weight?’ And he’s replied ‘mum, leave it, she’s had a hard year with [redundancy/bereavement/whatever your hard year has been], this is the least of our worries, her weight is not my concern right now, please don’t mention it again’ - and she’s taken this as ‘Amy’s life difficulties are a mental and emotional burden on my son’. Even if your husband has never had that conversation or been explicit, she could have inferred that.

I’d hate to have seen that message and would feel hurt and embarrassed and angry that I’d made an effort for someone who secretly said a thing that I found hurtful. But thr accusations of evil, fake, bitchy, etc don’t hold for me. She should’ve apologised more, for sure. Your husband should’ve made it clear you’re not a burden (unless he’s intimated so to his mother before).

I'd be really hurt by this too.

Whilst in my head I'd love to say I'd go with some of the witty replies previously posted, I would be most likely to minimally reply along the lines of "Your concern has been noted" and retreat from my relationship with her with quiet dignity and focus on my relationship with DH.

You already know your self worth isn't tied to physical appearance and whilst we all know people can be unkind and two-faced, we don't have to allow them space in our lives. Plus the view is always greater from the Moral High Ground.

Maybe you just haven’t received the text accidentally?! if you think your family don’t ever talk about one another or say something inappropriate when someone’s back is turned then you’re living in cloud cuckoo land

I don’t think this was either planned or deliberate. I think it was a dumb error and the MIL is probably feeling a massive fool.

But OP has two choices. To treat it like you see it, which is to go scorched earth and view this as some kind of catastrophic event. Or to try and see it as I see it, which is a dumb and foolish slag off which should’ve never made it into the public domain.

I wouldn't engage with MIL an more. No more effort from you from now on.

Also, never have her stay at yours ever again. Tell everyone what she said and that is why you are taking a step back. Show others the text as proof - this will stop horrible MIL from rewriting history to make out she has done nothing wrong.

Op so you think that she might apologise over the next week or so? After she has had time to reflect and work out what to do? ( it would take my emotionally stunted/ weight obsessed mother a few days to work through this as she would shut down initially in shame )

i would wait a bit to see what she does…

if you make a big statement now banning her from the house your life etc it will be much harder for her to climb down from.

obviously if she doesn’t apologise then you can distance yourself etc

I love this, normally I'd say rise above it, but nah, let the cow bag have it!

So sorry. It is really cruel and a violation of trust to talk to others like this behind your back. I hope your husband will set a boundary.

She'd never set foot in my house again.

I don't agree with this at all? WTF?

So a) you ARE defending her. Lets be clear on that

And b) Now you want OP to try and see a perspective of nasty old cow?

Hitler had a perspective. But who cares.

I wouldn’t speak to that bitch ever again and she wouldn’t be welcome in my home.

That still leaves you with a DH problem…

She sounds like an unbelievably nasty cow and I don’t blame you for being so upset. If she ever does apologise and you allow her to visit again I would take the greatest delight in serving nothing but salad and fruit the entire time. Not a roast potato or fry up in sight, no biscuits, cakes, booze etc. but then I’m petty like that! She’ll get the message…

Simply being overweight does not make you a burden, so it's interesting that she chose that word.

I wonder if there is some internalised misogyny there - if OP is a stay at home mother (which is a perfectly valid choice if OP and her husband have made that choice), does she feel that it's a "burden " on her wonderful son to "have to" support a woman who isn't even "grateful enough" to keep herself slim ? Or even has OP's husband been complaining about OP to his mum behind her back? That's what the word burden would imply to me.

OP, there have been a couple of well worded polite rejoinders suggested.

I'm sorry op...what an awful thing to happen.
Id politely reply in the group chat that you are not a burden and sorry she feels like that but that you do not want to discuss it any further. Leave the group chat. No more communication. No more hosting. No more cards or gifts at Xmas.
Your husband is spineless.
Screen shot the comment incase you need it in future when she deletes the incident from her brain and starts to blame you.

I’d say MIL is mortified and very embarrassed, that’s why she’s not getting involved in conversation about it. Don’t invite them again, you’ve seen her true colours.

I’d start with not having her in your home
again, that was an appalling thing to say about you

That wasn't just unkind.. it was positively bitchy.

My first reaction would be to "accidentally post" to the group chat words to that effect, but in reality the best thing is to keep that in your back pocket and now just know what a horrible person she is.

Sadly this is going to colour your relationship for the rest of your time together, and it's not your job to make it right. She is clearly horribly embarrassed, but she needs to realise if she wants to save your relationship she had better move fast.

I hope you have made it clear to DH that you won't just be ignoring it and playing happy families next year.

Or that if he insists they are coming over for Christmas, you will be enjoying time away for a few days while he does all the work of hosting the ungrateful venomous wench.

Why should you have to host such a nasty piece of work?

I kind of agree with your husband, as far as discussing it goes. They were needlessly horrible, but even if you got a big apology because he talked to them again...do you think they'd mean it? Do you think they'd stop thinking that about you? Do you think they'd never gossip about you again? Or would it be all 'poor (son), she's brainwashed him into thinking this is normal and we're in the wrong'?

I think the bigger question is what happens next? Is he expecting you to host them in your home again? Or go and visit them if you don't want to? Because that would be hugely unreasonable. I think I'd just quietly withdraw, as to me an apology is meaningless as they're only Lilley to be sorry they got caught

I'm assuming that you're in no way so large that it interferes with having a normal life or your husband is your carer - which it doesn't sound to be the case, but would maybe change things a bit as could mean they were coming from a place of concern rather than malicious gossip

What an absolute bitch, especially as you had made such an effort to host her.

You are well within your rights to decide that you don't want a relationship with her going forward. I certainly would never be hosting her again.

I wouldn’t invite her again, would invite FIL but as far as the MIL goes no chance. I would tell her this too. If shes sending that what else is she saying about you?

It wasn't just her weight that mentioned (although I can't imagine a scenario where it would be mentioned in a initial message with my dog walker unless I blatantly, actively disliked the person and I couldn't help but spit venom about them to anyone that would listen.
She was called a BURDEN on her DH. That is cruel. She's not a good wife, or even an average one. She is a burden, like a bloody broken leg.

I’m so sorry op. It’s brutal to find out your MIL is a complete cow, especially after you made so much effort. Unfortunately you can’t unsee/unknow what she said, and I absolutely would cut her off, and I’d fully expect my DH to back me. I wouldn’t be speaking to her again unless/until she apologised properly (and explained the burden comment). No way would I have her anywhere near me again if she tries to minimise this - your DH can see them on his own. And talking of DHs, he needs to appreciate how upsetting this is, and back you up. He’s currently trying to play it down with avoidance, which absolutely would not cut it for me, he needs to have your back. In a way if this was me I’d see this as freeing - you know now what she thinks of you, and you can act/deal with that now, not go along with her false niceness to you. I don’t forgive and forget two-faced cows though, you may be more generous.

OP has said:

'I really do not truly know how I can be considered a burden in any way. I work, have hobbies, keep a nice home, I feel i am a good wife.'

It's obviously the aesthetics that bother OP's MIL, not that OP really is a burden on her son. MIL is shallow and deeply unpleasant.

The burden comment plus not rushing to apologize would blow it for me. I’d be away whenever they visit from now on. Certainly no more effort. If DH wants to host her, he can.