So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

Do you know the MIL? You’re making a massive assumption based on one text message about the OPs weight gain - which she acknowledges is true.

Oh and if she was genuinely concerned for you she would have talked to you while she was there. Asked if you were ok and how you were feeling. Some folk - particularly older ones - think it’s acceptable to judge women on their size. Even as my elderly DM lies bed ridden with osteoporosis she still manages little digs about my weight and DF likes to point out women he deems to be too fat when I take him for hospital appointments. It says everything about them and nothing about me or you.

I wonder where FIL stands in all of this . Did Mil keep the subsequent conversation with Dh short as FIL was in the same room as her and she didn’t want him to know what she had said.
I would go NC with her but that’s going to affect him too so I would send him a brief note explaining why you aren’t going to be in contact with them so much

Honestly, if I had falling out with either my own parents, or my in-laws, for every completely tactless or stupid comment they say I would have no relatives.

That slightly older generation was brought up criticising one others weight and features. But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. It just means that she’s a little bit of a moaner with a sharp tongue.

You can choose to turn this into something massive, or accept it for the stupid-albeit quite nasty – mistake it potentially really is.

It’s definitely not a reason to blow up the relationship with them, or with your DH. Your MIL will be feeling very stupid at the moment, which is why she’s gone on the defensive. You barely see them anyway.

I would also respond to the message in the group chat. If your husband isn’t going to tackle her.

“Denise, I spent three days hosting you out of love and respect for you, with pleasure, because you are my family. Reading this message and knowing how you really feel about me is extremely upsetting. The first thing you wanted to tell your friend wasn’t that you had enjoyed your stay and our company - it was that I’m fat and a burden on your son. I don’t appreciate being spoken about behind my back in this way. It’s rude.”

OP's weight is none of her business and certainly none of her dog walker's business. That was just a spiteful and judgemental comment from a spiteful and judgemental woman. If she had been totally mortified and apologetic, she might be given the benefit of the doubt but she couldn't give a fuck that she's upset OP so that would be relationship ending for most normal people.

Hang on though, this wasn’t just a bit tactless or a foot-in-mouth moment. It was a deliberate, planned attack as soon as they left the house (which as others havd said, means she was dying to say it all weekend whilst the Op was bending over backwards). Plus no apology.

If you want to accept this kind of treatment that’s up to you but the OP doesn’t have to. I’ve never had my mother or in-laws do anything similar, so I don’t think it’s normal at all.

I think my relationship with the MIL would be over and she would no longer be welcome in my home. She is clearly talking about you often for that sort of comment to roll off her tongue.

I think you should message her privately and say you're disappointed that she didn't care to comment on anything positive about the weekend, just your weight. Also that you now know what kind of person she is.

Tell your dh to get on side or back to his mummy's house.

This. In addition, she also had the luxury of being a coward. If she was still in your house, the justifiable confrontation from you/DH would have rattled her and she would have had nowhere to run. But she managed to wrangle out of discussing it further as it is easier by phone to avoid it.

You sound like a lovely person OP, and a sensitive one. And on that point, there is no such thing as oversensitive. Sensitive people should surround themselves with their "tribe" and they are people who embrace an nurture your sensitivity. Your MIL is not a person in your wider world who fits in that tribe.

Ignore this OP 😱

Make it clear to him whether he and his mum fall out should not be up to him or you, it is up to her.

I would make it clear that you will not be visiting them and they are not welcome in you house until she tells you exactly what she meant by you being a burden on her son and makes genuine amends. She also needs to accept if you need space over the rest of Christmas.

Your dh’s job is to make this happen and not allow it to fester.

Surely your post is a joke! How on earth can you try and not only absolve OP's spiteful and bitchy MIL from all blame, but also to re-frame it as a good deed and her MIL doing OP a favour.

She isn't concerned for OP. She is concerned for her son as she thinks that OP is a 'burden', even though she clearly isn't.

No, it just makes you untrustworthy.

I question your EQ, and also, like attracts like, so people who excuse these types of personalities are more often than not cut from the same ilk as them. Simply because you have put the burden squarely onto the OP to "managing her own reaction" which subsequently allows these toxic fucks to continue flourishing in the first instance.

Were you taught about right and wrong as a child?

OP, is there something we don’t know here - like, someone your MIL knows who had to look after a spouse whose illness was exacerbated by being overweight? I’m not defending your MIL, but I would say that we have all made less than kind comments about others that we would prefer them not to hear. Some people (I’m looking at you, DSis) have a real “thing” about people being overweight - my DSis once said that I could never come back and live in Surrey (where we grew up) because all the Surrey mummies are very slim!! Your MIL’s comments were not meant for you, and clearly, she wouldn’t have made such a comment to your face. I’m sure you did all get on well, and will continue to do so if you can forget about this. So she thinks you’re too fat - well, I can tell you that I’m too fat, but I wouldn’t choose to have it pointed out. I would ask her why she thinks you’re a burden, and point out that you and DH are very much a team and that you did all the preparation for their visit - but I wouldn’t fall out with them over this, especially if your DH is close to his parents.

Where’s your self respect. No one should react like this when someone treats them so poorly.

In some ways, how fortunate that she did that, so now you know the truth about her. Just remember this all reflects badly on her and shows her to be of poor character: for being two-faced, for the comments she made, and for how she can’t even apologise or care about the upset she’s caused.

Don’t let her brush it all under the carpet, because you now know she has no respect for you and I’ve no doubt if she came again she would do the same! Let your husband deal with his parents but not with you and not in your home.

Eesh. She sounds lovely.

If it's any consolation, I think anyone reading that is going to think your MIL is a nightmare and believe nothing at all of her comments.

Has anyone else from the family WhatsApp reached out to you to condemn this action? I do think you need to focus on getting your DH to see exactly why this is unacceptable and agree that the main thrust of the insult is the reference to you being a ‘burden’. The fat comment is just ignorant and malignant gossip - I’d have dealt with that if it was all she said with distain and disappointment, and tried to move on in time. But the burden comment is very, very unpleasant indeed.

She is her son’s burden.

Normally I would say it’s his family so he deals with it but he’s not going to so I think you should.

How is whatever you feel comfortable with. She’s clearly going to avoid a call and dodge it. Personally I would go for a message on the family group chat as that’s where she bitched about you.

Try and keep emotion out of it. Just tell her clearly and firmly how rude it was and how it has made you question the good relationships you thought you all had.
Tell her that if that’s the first thing she feels she needs do comment on her then that says a lot about her.

This might seem inflammatory but at this stage, she’s the arsehole.
If your husband doesn’t like it, tough shit. If he’d called her out on this it might not be needed.

What I wouldn’t do it pour out lots of hurt and emotion as she doesn’t deserve to know how much she’s upset you. I also wouldn’t make excuses and explain things like you’ve had a hard year etc You don’t need to explain because it’s none of her business.

Get tough!

Whether your DH likes it or not, there has been a falling out, through no fault of your own. A falling out doesn’t have to mean confrontation or overt aggression. There is now bad feeling that has been caused by hurtful actions.

I agree with the PP who said that your DH should reply in the group chat and say that you are not a burden.

I’d also leave the chat, but that’s up to you. It’s understandable that you’re shocked and hurt.

So say nothing for now. At new years you send a message to the group chat saying that you have decided that in 2026 you will try to be healthy. This means having no contact with hypocrite people who makes you feel bad about yourself. Then leave groupchat and Block Mil. I would go nc until I had a real heartfelt apology.

That's awful, I'm so sorry OP. What an ungracious woman, first to call you a burden to her son and then to try and brush off her insult as a tech issue.

At least you know now.

Are you sure that your DH hasn't ever mentioned your weight to her? That would be the only situation in which I could imagine any justification to her post.

Assuming that's not the case, if your DH wants to brush it under the carpet then explain to him how it has made you feel. And write her a card. Tell her how you had thought you had a lovely family relationship, that you enjoyed spending time with them, how lucky you felt to have a MIL like her. And how you now feel that she was putting it all on, doesn't appreciate you or the things you do for her son or for her when she visits. How you would never have expected to read her expressing such a spiteful and unkind comment. How it has hurt you and made you reconsider your relationship.

And then back the back off. You don't arrange any visits to them, go and be civil and take a book with you to take yourself up to your room or a nice spot in the garden to read. When DH arranges for them to visit you, he does all the work in setting the house up, cooking for them, making plans. You can pop in and see your parents or carry on with other weekend plans you have.

If she offers a genuine apology then you can gently lean back in. But to me it is clear that she sees you as her DH's burdensome wife rather than a DIL or loved family member.

I really like this solution. Given you are so hurt and she's not apologised, telling her how you feel calmly and fairly is a good idea. Either on the chat or directly to her.
drawing attention to the fact you'd hosted and then the comment about your weight was actually the first thing she wanted to write and not the lovely time she had, is really poignant.

That generation are really peculiar about weight - my mum is obsessed too.