So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

I would 100% be stepping back from her. She wouldn't be allowed in the house, DH could see her elsewhere but not at my home. And I wouldn't ever be making an effort again with her.

Nah if she was a nice person she would have been mortified, apologised and sent a big bunch of flowers to say sorry / thank OP for hosting by now.

The reaction alone tells me she is a nasty piece of work.

OP this is horrible and your DH should have the guts to stand up for you. You will fall out regardless unless this is dealt with - they certainly wouldn't be coming back to my home nor would I be visiting them again. This is relationship changing in so many ways, people just don't move on from this kind of thing.

I would send a message to your group chat saying that the message sent is disgusting and if that is the only thing she can think to say to someone about the trip then they need to re-evaluate whether they want to spend time with you.

I'd also be having a very frank chat with your OH and be telling him that unless he makes it very crystal clear that you are not a "burden" then you also need to have a hard think about whether you want to be with him.

Personally I would want him to message something like:

Whilst your message was sent wrongly to this group, it is rude, mean and unpleasant. Amy and I have hosted you with love and effort and for your true feelings to be revealed is beyond hurtful. Rather than being contrite and trying to make amends you continued to make excuses. Amy is in no way a burden to me. She is the woman I love and we are an equal partnership. Going forwards you need to strongly consider how you want our relationship to continue and show some respect.

OP I don’t agree at all with what your MIL said but just to try and ‘figure it out’ a bit more could she have me at a mental burden on John as he is worried about your weight gain? Maybe doesn’t fit with the ‘love is blind’ part but that’s the onky thing that makes sense?

Just agree totally with everything Icecream said. I’m so sorry you had to see that @ForShyBlueFish but knowing who she really is now is a good thing. What a rude, ungrateful and superficial woman she is

OP I’m so sorry you had to see that but at least now you know. I wouldn’t let her step foot in my home again until I felt she had made some effort to make amends. And not through being forced into it. What a cow.

She's been a right cow, but I'm afraid that I would be sitting your husband down, looking him straight in the eyes and asking him where his mother could have got the impression from that you were any kind of a burden to him.

"given I now know how you feel about me, please do not expect me to host you in my home again".

Well… if there IS a positive it’s that this got sent to the group chat so everyone on it knows what a card-carrying bitch she is.

let the dust settle, do no more on this. Your H needs to do something, but if he does/doesn’t it’s neither here nor there

revenge is best served cryogenically frozen,

you have options, either never have them over again, or let your H do EVERYTHING for them and don’t help him or guide him in any way

drop the rope with them, no cards/presents/invitations NOTHING

@Francestein’s idea is brilliant. Also accidentally ring her a few times claiming it was a pocket dial. The phone will announce - hopefully loudly - The Burden.

@ForShyBlueFishshe is a nasty piece of work. I can imagine her lovely 🙄friend and her sitting around bitching about any one they can lay their tongue to. (I’ve heard a lot of this sort of thing growing up.)
No One will escape. They could be Jackie Kennedy and people like your mil will have a comment “well yes, it was a lovely dress, but I’m not sure it was right for the occasion ..”

She won’t reserve her cattiness just for you. As someone said upthread you could be size 0 and she’d find fault, find a way of making that a problem for her precious one.

(She was aware who she had sent it to.)
No telling off for your DH could turn back time but it’s how he supports you from here that counts. For example if you want PIL in stay in a hotel for the next visit and not bend over backwards hosting them ever again. If he will understand why and back you up.

This is just awful… I really feel for you OP and sorry you have been made to feel like this. MIL is hopefully squirming, mortified and extremely uncomfortable regarding her cruel and rude comments. Whilst it’s hard I would not engage with her or ask DH to any further … silence is always very effective ( had a situation where I used this approach now it took time but there is definite regret there now!) I am just biding my time and waiting for the opportunity and right moment to address it. I know the NC and silence has worked ! You sound like a kind and content person and you deserve so much more… look after yourself ❤️

the lengths people will go to minimise the impact of calling the Op a burden and that love is blind.
And she felt comfortable saying as much to her dog sitter. I’m very fond of our regular dog sitter but I don’t discuss off my extended family to them, let alone criticise them. Clearly they have been previous conversations along the same lines.

It was downright insulting and the husband should have said as much.

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Your MIL’s post was completely unacceptable and rude. I think you should let her know that her message was rude and hurtful, that it has harmed the relationship. I would be very specific and repeat back the hurtful comments and set out how they are hurtful and offensive. I would ramp up the pressure. She needs to apologise properly.

That’s awful. I would be telling DH that’s the last time you are letting her in the house.
I had a FIL like this, spent all year hosting him tea coffee cakes, was lovely to my face, gave me a hug every time and then year later he came out with all this stuff about me being an issue and that I was always a rude person with no hospitality skills! He reckoned he’d always felt like that. Which was rubbish as all year his body language was relaxed and he was the type of person who couldn’t hide his feelings. Safe to say after more drama I cut him off completely. Don’t think your DH necessarily needs to cut off but he needs to have a stern word with MIL , don’t let him off not saying anything.

All the people replying trying to see the MIL's perspective and asking the OP to dial down her feelings are amusing to read.

They are usually the people who when, in real life, when you go to them, they would justify murder and retort back with their "yes but maybes" pearls of wisdom.

No offence to any of these posters but they are usually of a weak personality whereby they lack emotional strength and capacity to extend empathy. Just my real life observation.

@ForShyBlueFish I’m so so sorry.
for goodness sake, your weight doesn’t mean anything about what sort of person you are- DO NOT apologise for putting weight on,or giving us reasons justifying it. It’s your body. Your life. We teach toddlers not to comment on people’s bodies- seems like your MIL hasn’t learnt it yet! You’re not a worse person coz you gained a bit of weight, you’re still you.

I know you’re feeling rubbish but think about what boundaries/outcomes ypu want, that seem reasonable to you. Your husband obviously hasn’t handled it well, but it’s invalidating your feelings slightly. For example I would say:

• i wont host them again until I receive a heart felt apology which says she won’t comment on my body ever again.
• DH to text the family and say you’re not a burden and he expects an apology for how they made you feel.

then up to you, but I’d think about putting your effort to other people instead eg they can visit but no overnight stays so it’s easier for you or when they stay you don’t cook, your husband does all the coordination because they are SO disrespectful.

i don’t think that will change even if they apologise tbh. Awful to take your kindness and talk about you that way.

Now you know she's a fake bitch, so next time they want to see your husband he can go to them, or they book a hotel. I would do no more for a woman who called me a burden. Absolutely fuck that.

Honestly I don’t think he should fall out with his parents however he should rip her a new one & make crystal clear youre a no go zone in her criticisms. Its a shame but you weren’t meant to see it & I would accept an apology & be thankful you only see them a handful of times a year.

This. And I also believe the text was sent on purpose, guised as an accident

OP, play the long game - remove yourself from the group chat and leave it completely to DH to manage the relationship. No more going above and beyond for them, channel your energy on achieving your health and lifestyle goals. Don’t give your husband a hard time - her stronger apology will only restore the facade of the relationship and you will be expected to act normal.

Let it go, seek no further explanation but next time the meet up is suggested you can quite honestly say - you three have fun but I am out, would not want to burden you.

She's an absolute idiot sending it to the group chat. What was she thinking! I wouldn't go chasing an apology or getting hung up on getting one. There is no point in forcing one. She might be nonchalant about it or she might feel terribly ashamed but unable to confront it. You don't see masses of them. I would just continue as per normal and avoid creating any great family rift. It is hurtful but you can fan the flames or you can let it go.

I took it as her meaning a burden emotionally & that it doesn't necessarily follow that she dislikes Op.

That said, there is no concern or respect in the wording.

Your husband might be right in there being no point in talking about it/confronting her although he could have at least have told her that of course you aren't a burden.

She will have caused the fall out though & I wouldn't want to see her again even if she apologised.

Shes had these ppl in her home, to stay thinking she has lovely set of inalws and they smile to her face but write vile messages behind her back to a friend. Op can feel violated if she wants so stop with this nonsense of making op feel bad about a 'rift' when it should be the mil being worried by causing a 'rift'. The mil need to say sorry and her husband needs to grow a backbone. Ppl like you are dangerous.

OP your most powerful weapon now is your silence. MIL is well aware she has ruined her relationship with you and caused a major issue in your marriage.
She isn’t sorry she called you a burden just that she wrote on the wrong message.
She could only have got the idea you are a burden from one source, her son.
Where you go from here is entirely up to you 💐