How to tactfully say we dont want to do gifts anymore.

[moanycoo]

Has anyone stopped this silly gifting in their family? I am sick of wasting time and money, stressing and guessing what to buy adults. I am also fed up of receiving crap I dont want or need.
Is there a tactful way to say- No more gifts for the adults in the family?
Isnt it about being together?

Should not cut Mum and Dad out, but fine to tell other relatives and friends. "We are not doing adult/children ( either or both) presents any more. You don't have to give a reason but if appropriate and believable, say the cost of living is making present buying a struggle.

Just introduce the topic gently at an appropriate moment. We haven’t done presents for adults for years.

Too late now but next year definitely make people aware you aren’t buying and they don’t need to buy for you. Your DH can tell his mum it is environmentally unfriendly and that adults don’t need gifts. Or make an exception just for parents. We stopped for siblings, grown up niece/nephew a few years back. I still buy for my daughters, husband, son in law and grandchildren so less people now.

There's only my DH, DC, in their mid 30's now, their partners, DCG and myself that are immediate family.

For the last 6/7 years we just ask who wants what and pretty much the answers from most have been "nothing" form the adults.

It's not something we stress about, we all earn our own money and just buy what we want/need throughout the year.

You want to buy for your children and their partners but not your own parents (unless they have passed of course). So will you expect your children and their partners to buy for you or will you be happy for the gift giving to go only one way and not be reciprocated?

Just quote Martin Lewis.

Several Christmas's ago, he said we shouldn't do this, explaining the cost for those who couldn't afford, and the trauma.
He's repeated every year and studio audiences have applauded.
You could Youtube his comment and explanation, to show to those who disagree.

It really does just need to be this simple.

I am thinking of just calling a total amnesty.
For example, I made two friends 4 years ago through a hobby. Because one of them claims gifting is her love language (but is always moaning about how poverty stricken she is) i'm now in this stupid fucking system of buying £30-£40 worth of garbage twice a year on birthdays and again at Christmas. Its ludicrous. I hardly even know them!!

Nah. Much easier to complain to strangers on the internet and keep on doing what your doing year after year and then moan about it. 😆

YANBU to want to stop.

YABU to be mithering about how to do it "tactfully". It isn't difficult. After Christmas this year, tell everyone (family WhatsApp or however you chat) that you've decided that from now on you would rather not exchange presents and that you aren't going to be buying from now on and hope they'll agree to not get anything for you either. If you want to, you can say - let's all meet up for a pub meal in January and use the money for that instead. or not .

If you think it will upset your parents (you might be surprised - they will probably be very relieved) then you can make an exception, but you'll probably find siblings, siblings in law, nieces and nephews will be really pleased someone has suggested it. In our extended family, we buy for nieces and nephews up to 18 then stop (we still get for our own adult dc).

Or, as others have suggested, you could do an adult secret santa with a fixed amount so everyone gets one reasonable present and everyone only has to buy one present.

YABVVVU to be faffing around spending considerable money on people you recently met at an activity you do. Daft to even start it.

You would prefer to donate to charity (and will do so) could be a way of stopping.

Very Good points.

Yes, the hobby friend's birthdays caught me out. Im a bit of a nae pals and got sucked in, trying too hard. Must get out of it. I guess if they are friends worth keeping they will understand

But you are the DC and their future partners and children

This is what we do too. Works really well and everyone has something to open on the day. We've done it for about 5 years now and it's perfect, we typically set a sensible limit so it's not cheap tat but nothing too outrageous. Usually £30 - 50 quid depending on who is involved in the secret santa as spending capacities vary in our family.

I have this issue on birthdays. Have tried to tell my two SIL’s before mine to just give me a card but it always comes.. goes straight to my cleaner.

DB and I stopped the year we bought each other the same CD. And both already had it. We’ve had some push back from other family members over the years but have stuck with only children under 21 and spouses get presents.

We decided this year to buy for the little ones only .
Start next year as you mean to go on.. christmas has got totally out of hand now.

My brother is lazy so I stopped as he didn't buy me one. With the steps there was a year step brother couldn't afford and so we didn't. I then suggested we just do kids, although I think they still do each other, and it is great.
As a kid only children got presents. It is such a ball ache to buy adults presents. Me and DH don't even get each other presents.

One word of caution would be if you have childfree/ childless relatives who have always bought your kids gifts. It can be a bit thoughtless if the rest of the family decides on an ‘only buy for the kids’ rule - which basically translates as ‘we buy for all households apart from yours’. It can be a bit insensitive- especially if they are not childfree by choice. In that instance you should probably buy a small but thoughtful gift for them.

I have done this with a couple of my friends. It was very well accepted. No issue whatsoever.

We went abroad for xmas & new year in 2019 (just a couple of months before covid lockdown began) & it was the first time ever for either of us & DD. It was the weirdest xmas & new year ever - no signs of xmas anywhere. Xmas Eve, Xmas day, boxing day didn't exist, the weather was fabulous & we had such a relaxing holiday. It changed my perspective altogether - xmas is all in our heads, in the shops, on tv, everywhere you look at home. We are conditioned to do certain things because it's the norm and change is hard to negotiate because of stereotypical beliefs.

6 years on we're still doing xmas as we always did & we've never been able to go abroad since. It's bonkers.

But we don't give each other unwanted, unneeded crap- we share lists and stick to them.

That's fine for people who like to shop or who don't mind it. I hate it. And I used to dread Christmas because of it. And of course, like many women, I was doing it all for my husband's family as well as my own.

Many years ago, I told everyone that I wasn't going to do it anymore and why. Amazingly, there were quite a few others who felt the same way. Now we don't exchange gifts for anyone over the age of 18. We spend the money on dining out, travel to see each other, and festive meals in someone's home. So much better.

Don’t say it just before Christmas time. It isn’t fair if some people have already started planning etc. My sil once called me to discuss it on 23rd December.

Would you all prefer to just meet for a brew or a glass of fizz? Not sure if proximity to each other is an issue? Or maybe the time after Christmas or the New Year might be better.

Don't feel embarrassed into buying presents, just say as we're adults there really is no need. So next Christmas the burden will be lifted. Have a great Christmas too.

This is exactly what my family does now that everyone is an adult.

Covid was a godsend for this. My cousins and my aunt all used to buy each other a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates (lots we bought for our kids) so I bought three bottles of wine and 3 boxes of chocolates and got three lots back - except I didn’t get to choose the wine and chocolates I was actually eating/drinking 😂

Our kids were also at the age where £10 didn’t really buy very much/what they wanted.