Feeling excluded - childs Christmas party

[saminamama]

We have been going to a toddlers casual singing class for the entire year, showing up every week to see friends and my 3 year old and baby have always really enjoyed it, fab.
recently they made us aware that the Christmas party would be ticketed and to put names down.
there is a little bit of a clique going on between the main organiser and one of my good friends along with another few ladies and their children, I ignore it as it is at times a bit exclusionary but their children will go to the same class in September so I put it down to that, overkeen mothers making friends for their children.

Back to the Xmas party for which I always made it clear yes we want to go. Realising it was now next week I asked the main organiser and she said sorry the event has sold out and it was almost a bit of an attitude back to me, literally I wanted to cry as DD loves going every week and it’s our community of people we see, means more to me than I realised.

somehow there is 40 children going and there’s maybe 15 to 20 each week at the group, no one gave me a heads up the tickets were on sale, no one let me know

chatted to DH about it and he couldn’t understand why I was upset but I suppose, these women are on the ball like I am usually (just had a baby even so I am pretty on it) and it felt unkind that they didn’t heads me up the guest list had begun (scrap of paper in the kitchen), no one said make sure your name is down. That they can’t squeeze us in when we have been contributing each week. We are polite and help tidy up, it’s not like we are bad people, I don’t expect to be babied but I can’t see how I didn’t get the memo. I am busy with 2 children but it takes seconds, and then the next week no one mentioned it at all, and again that’s odd,

our weekly contributions would go towards extra treats for Xmas so again we are missing out here.

I always include these women for party invites for my DC, I always heads them up about nice things in the area etc.

This seems very odd - usually the “Christmas party” for this sort of thing would be the last session before Christmas with a few mince pies and Santa hats. Seems strange to make it a separate ticketed event and not have enough room for the regulars? I’m wondering if you could have got the wrong end of the stick somehow - could this be a separate Christmas party that she is organising and mentioned it at the group by way of advertising, rather than it being specifically for the weekly group? (Otherwise, why would twice as many people be going as normally go to the group?).

The other thing to remember is that not being included doesn’t automatically mean that you were deliberately excluded. I’d try to look at it like that. These people aren’t your friends - but that doesn’t mean they think badly of you. I can completely understand that it might not feel like that at the moment, though!

It sounds as though some of the places have gone to children who aren't part of the group (siblings perhaps?) which is poor form in my opinion - active members of the group should have had first refusal on the tickets.

You are not being unreasonable but I don't think there's very much you can do if you've expressed your disappointment and they're still not budging. If you have made a specific contribution for the party you could try asking for a refund, but that would almost certainly turn people against you, and I assume you want to keep going to this group as your DC enjoy it.

The other thing you could do is ask if you could be put on a waiting list - with the current flu going round and the general flakiness of people, I would be surprised if all 40 attendees actually turned up to the event.

I am with your husband on this do you think maybe you need to find friends away from your children, having children doesn't mean drama has to come with it

If you knew the date and they told you in class that it would be ticketed and to put your names down did you not put your names down at that point? Really though, this is a toddler class that you go to, you’re putting a lot on this.

It seems like you knew it would be ticketed and were told that quite recently, there was a list to put your name down in the kitchen, so I don't think they have done much wrong, although they should really have done an announcement at the end of one of the sessions - "the sign up list is in the kitchen"

But they literally said, ‘put your name down’.

Even if only 15-20 are there each week, there will a changing set of 15-20. People don’t go every week. Some go once a month. They all go on the Christmas party.

I think the other parents of 3 yr olds have been there for a Christmas before, so know the system, which then makes it hard to imagine someone else doesn’t know.

It’s not easy, on a list, to see who isn’t there. No one has done this on purpose.

If I were organising (veteran of many years running a toddler group), this could have happened. However I’d have made space on the list for you.

I can see why this has upset you. Sometimes it can feel like there is a secret race for absolutely everything. Perhaps that's just me. It might help to identify exactly what the feeling is you're experiencing because then you can decide whether you really want to do anything about it or just treat you and the kids to something nice at the time of the party. Is it the general cliqueyness/exclusion or is it one or two people in particular who you think should have mentioned it? Is it the snippy way the lady spoke to you? Is it actually not going to the party? If it's the latter you could organise a small other thing with the people you like. If it's the other I don't doubt you're right about it but making a fuss is seldom the practical way to deal with it.

It’s the fact I knew nothing of this list, and cos they are my pals thought someone would have my back, one is a childhood friend.
I know aI’m putting a lot on it can’t help but stew
I don’t like the thought of people being left out and I have to believe it wasn’t intentional but I have wracked my brains if we have done something

Yeah that's rough. I would say though that this time of year is absolutely brutal for parents of children of any age but especially small ones. Having to remember to manage someone else's sign ups as well as my own would have finished me off at that point so I wouldn't take it personally. I would tell the friend you missed the sign up with crying emojis and if you're lucky she'll use her clique powers to get you in, but otherwise just try to reframe it as a busy time of year, a narky activity leader, and it being completely reasonable to feel sad you've missed out on something you wanted to do because you missed an instruction somewhere along the line. Realistically, you will be missing something moderately pleasant at best rather than life changing I would imagine.

It’s the opposite where I am, all the Christmas events are ticketed. The organiser mentions that they’re for sale or will be on sale on Friday; and you have to remember to go and get them. People do miss out, it’s not exclusionary - the parties aren’t usually just for your class, so you’ve got two or three groups after the tickets. They usually aim to have 3 people in a class for every one space, because about a third of people will want to go, so they work off that to make sure it’s profitable.

You’ve just forgotten and missed out. It’s a shame but it’s not personal.

But they told you to put your name and that it would be ticketed. And you didn’t?

I think this just a case that you dropped the ball and didn't sign up in time. You knew it was ticketed and that you needed to put your name down but failed to do so, and left it til the week before to ask about it. I don't really understand why you think that's anyone else's responsibility other than your own.

Other people put their names down in time, you didn't and there's now no tickets left, that's life. No-one's excluding you, you just made an unfortunate admin error.

recently they made us aware that the Christmas party would be ticketed and to put names down.

I’m not sure what anyone has done wrong, you said yourself at the start of your post that you were made aware of the party, and told to put your names down. So why didn’t you? Why did everyone else manage to do it/know where the list is, but you?

It doesn't sound like this has been purposefully done to exclude you but they just genuinely don't have places.

For something like this it seems insane for it to be ticketed. They know how many kids go each week and it should just be an open invite for those children and parents only. An end of year celebratory thing with mince pies and stollen or something. Why did they make it ticketed and clearly invite kids who don’t even attend? Really weird.

Yes, it’s a bit rubbish that you’re missing out but I don’t think you can blame the others for not reminding you to sign up for it. Your little one is only three yrs old so they’ll be plenty more party opportunities in the future.

Even if your friend spotted that you’d not signed up, are they meant to conclude that they must take responsibility to remind you about it? Assuming they even noticed your name was missing, they might have thought you’d decided not to attend but more likely, it didn’t register with them at all.

You haven’t done anything wrong as it’s not a deliberate snub. Instead of feeling hard done by, remind yourself that you are responsible for your own actions and it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to ensure everyone and their dog is included in everything. That’s unfair on them as they have busy lives too.

It seems really strange to mention it will be a ticketed event in advance and then not make an announcement in the class that the list has now gone up in the kitchen. Surely as an organiser you would want the regulars to secure a spot first, before opening it up to others?
I think I would feel hurt too, especially with the one who is your friend outside of the group. This type of situation can be enlightening as to whether people are really your friends, or only there when you are useful to them.
I guess all you can do is let it be known that you would appreciate a heads up if anyone can't attend and you can buy their tickets.

recently they made us aware that the Christmas party would be ticketed and to put names down.

I'm confused – you started off saying this, and then ended saying you were given no information. Which is it?

overkeen mothers making friends for their children

'Overkeen'? How very dare they.

Did you put your name down when it was first mentioned?

Doesn't sound like you've been excluded, more just that you didn't get round to it in time?

Why didn't you ask about the list?

I think this is a case of crossed wires.

Someone mentioned the list to you and probably assumed you knew where it was or would ask tbd organiser.
you assumed that at some point a more formal, here is the list please all put your name down by the of the day, scenario would happen.

i would message your friend and ask if there was anyway she could help squeeze you in as you knew there would be a list to add your babe to but no one gave it to you to write on.

Well if they told you the date and it would be tickets and a list, why didn’t you write your name down or ask about the list

I don’t think they have done anything wrong

So if Ive understood this;

Either:

A class organiser has managed to arrange the ticketed booking arrangements for a party, communicate this to many other people - and managed to deliberately and entirely effectively mask this from you.
or,
It’s not been deliberate, and for some reason or another you’ve missed it. Info to a WhatsApp group that class members are added to and you never realised needed to opt in to, or an email list Youre not on / goes to your junk, or instagram when you use Facebook (or vice versa).

It might be worth asking politely how the info was shared as you missed it and keen not to miss future info.

Op, we go to a baby music class every week. Have forte past year. Usually 10 people or less are regulars. However, Christmas is a ticketed event and as I am not on social media I text the organiser of the group in. Oct to pay for the term and asked about Christmas then and she said she eill he having something so I asked if I could add that event on to my payment which she allowed hence we got a place at the Christmas event. I chat with all the regular mums and none of us actually talked about Christmas until last week when we were saying goodbye see you next week as there is no music this week - the next get together is at the Christmas do! And only then someone said ah no see you at the Christmas special!

The event sold out. You didn't put your name down.
It's also a baby singing class party. These people will be a distant memory in a year or two. You are just a paying customer who will leave at some point when your baby is older.
This isn't a life long group.
I honestly can't remember which classes we even attended as babies now as they have done so many other sports and clubs since
Just accept it is a ticketed even and you didn't reserve a ticket in time.
There is no conspiracy against you.