Feeling excluded - childs Christmas party

[saminamama]

We have been going to a toddlers casual singing class for the entire year, showing up every week to see friends and my 3 year old and baby have always really enjoyed it, fab.
recently they made us aware that the Christmas party would be ticketed and to put names down.
there is a little bit of a clique going on between the main organiser and one of my good friends along with another few ladies and their children, I ignore it as it is at times a bit exclusionary but their children will go to the same class in September so I put it down to that, overkeen mothers making friends for their children.

Back to the Xmas party for which I always made it clear yes we want to go. Realising it was now next week I asked the main organiser and she said sorry the event has sold out and it was almost a bit of an attitude back to me, literally I wanted to cry as DD loves going every week and it’s our community of people we see, means more to me than I realised.

somehow there is 40 children going and there’s maybe 15 to 20 each week at the group, no one gave me a heads up the tickets were on sale, no one let me know

chatted to DH about it and he couldn’t understand why I was upset but I suppose, these women are on the ball like I am usually (just had a baby even so I am pretty on it) and it felt unkind that they didn’t heads me up the guest list had begun (scrap of paper in the kitchen), no one said make sure your name is down. That they can’t squeeze us in when we have been contributing each week. We are polite and help tidy up, it’s not like we are bad people, I don’t expect to be babied but I can’t see how I didn’t get the memo. I am busy with 2 children but it takes seconds, and then the next week no one mentioned it at all, and again that’s odd,

our weekly contributions would go towards extra treats for Xmas so again we are missing out here.

I always include these women for party invites for my DC, I always heads them up about nice things in the area etc.

This might not be the only class attending, she may have invited other groups to one single do.
Or loads of people may have said can we bring a friend who is interested in joining.
Or she may have used the event as an advertising to new people who were interested in signing up so she can get new customers.
Either way its just a business and not a friendship group.

Does the organiser run more than one group and this is a party for all the groups, hence the greater numbers?

The room will have a maximum capacity for safety reasons which she can't exceed, hence the need for ticketing if she wants to open it up to more than one group, so that she's not having to turn people away at the door.

You should have asked about it yourself, not waited for others to alert you. It's down to you to act if you want places in anything. It's unfortunate that you simply waited too long. If your kid did this for a school trip they wouldn't get to go, would they? Chalk it down to experience and resolve to be more proactive in future. It's nothing personal.

I'm not getting this, they said to you it's ticketed and to put your name down and the piece of paper was in the kitchen but you didn't and waited for someone to remind you?

Things like that you need to do immediately.

How did you now know? You were there along with everyone else when they told you to put your name down, they would absolutely have said where the list was hanging. Why didn’t you put your name down that day?

You missed out but it happens. Move on.

I’m sorry it’s shit and I’d feel upset too. But really, most likely is that people thought you would have already known about the list, or each thought someone else had told you. Chances of it being an orchestrated exclusion are minute. I hope you can keep your chin up and still enjoy it afterwards.

I don't get how they told you about the party, that it was ticketed and that you needed to put your name down

But also

You knew nothing about it and the list happened without you?

Why didn't you just go to whoever told you and say to put your name down?

What do you mean by “have your back”, exactly?
Is there an actual reason to suppose they would have known about the list and you didn’t?

You lost me at "overkeen mothers making friends for their children" 🙄

You knew the party would be limited spaces. But you expected everyone to do your admin for you?

Can you actually explain why you didn’t put your name down, op?

I agree with this 👆 The others probably don't know that you're not going, or thought you had other plans.

I don't really get it. If you see them every week and it hasn't come up in the conversation, then it makes sense no one said anything to you. And then if you haven't talked about it then how do you even know whether they are going...

If it has come up and they didn't say anything that's odd, but I would have assumed you remembered since you were talking about it.

The only time I've seen regular event reminders is when there is a WhatsApp group. There is always someone who volunteers to be the class PA and send links about everything that's happening - but you don't mention one.

I would be (slightly) annoyed at the organiser for not making the list more visible and reminding everyone after the class.
But ultimately they did say it was a ticketed event so waiting until the week before to enquire about it wasn't a great move.

I agree with the others OP, you knew there were tickets and there was a list so it was up to you to ask. The others would have just assumed you’re done this.

I would also get out of the mindset that mothers who have friendship groups are ‘cliques’. At school, work, hobbies etc you’re allowed to choose who you chat to and socialise with but as soon as you’re a mum if you don’t invite every single person who has a child to everything you do it’s labelled as a clique. They’re not. They’re just a group of friends.

To answer some questions. No one told me about the list and that it was open, no one at all hence me not doing so :) I asked to go on the list last week but by the time I asked it was already sold out.

another mum told me the list was in the kitchen when I fessed up to her I was miffed and a group of them were in there putting names down etc, just felt miffed no one grabbed me to go with and pop name down.

im sure it wasn’t anything nasty or deliberate but its made me stew that it was for a short time, as I’ve tried to make friends with some of the women there and meet up, invited them to things etc and met with rejection. Never have had an issue in life making pals otherwise and people normally a bit more keen to be mates,

it is what it is I’m over it but I just wanted you lot to tell me im being daft (as I knew I was)

Look, this is the sort of thing that happens from time to time when it's your first child.
They say "put your names down" meaning "like every year once I've said this the list will be up in the kitchen" and all the people who were around last year know that - and forget it isn't obvious if you haven't done it before.

I remember several events like that with dd1, and with dd2 I was translating them for other parents for whom it was their first time.

And you're thinking "it wouldn't matter if they just squeezed in little me." But there may be a fire limit on size of room, they may have another ten people who would feel just as entitled, or they may just not want more people.
It's not something against you. It's simply you didn't pick up on what was obvious to others.

Expecting others to read through a list and think "oh they're not on it, must ask" is unrealistic. Most people will shove their name down with one eye on their toddler who is attempting to make a bid for freedom up the stairs, and a mind on whether they'll get home before said toddler has a nap and what they can give them for lunch.

We make people put names down in October. Despite there only being 15-20 kids per session, all 50 spots fill because many people only come every 2 or 3 weeks. We have to restrict due to space (ours is free)

So sorry this happened.

People can be real arseholes.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset at all.

Id be tempted to say not sure how we missed the Invite? You, as a regular, helpful member of the group should have gotten an invite.

You will move onwards and upwards from this tho, and your children are so young. Try to find a little crowd who appreciate you and treat you right.

Nobody got a personalised invite, don’t be daft. Op didn’t put her name on the list, so didn’t get a space.

Not everybody is your tribe. You and your child will be excluded from several events in the future as do other people. Now you know where you stand with this group. Find another Christmas party. As a parent, it's best to develop some emotional maturity so that your child doesn't have to manage your over the top emotions anytime somebody isn't thoughtful to you.

Nobody is an arsehole here. No-one did anything to OP. Nothing happened.
Everyone knew there was a party and there would be a list, other people got on the list before OP did. Likely she missed something along the way, it happens. It wasn't other attendees responsibility to get her on the list.

Don't go looking for malice where there isn't any.

She didnt get an invite ot any way to join yhe group.

The person arranging is responsible.

I arrange alot of things, the children all get a clear invite and way of attending.

Its not rocket science.

Speak up for yourself and say something like “I’m not sure how I could have possibly missed the invite unless we were left out intentionally? Surely you can squeeze us in to a party seeing as we’ve been regular attendees and my money has gone towards extra treats?”

In my experience people back down when you call them out, but if you don’t you’re marked as someone who can be walked over.

No, it’s not rocket science.
It’s very, very simple and you still haven’t understood 🤦‍♀️
How embarrassing.

Who can she “call out” when she herself forgot to put her name on the list?

You've misunderstood. There is no invite.