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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pet name? Possible emotional abuse?

101 replies

sellthebigissue · 14/12/2025 21:48

Not changing name as in my previous post, I was made aware I may be in an abusive relationship.

To cut things short, things havent been right since my previous post and ive been dealing with alot of shit from him.

This morning, my eldest daughter and I were chatting. Shes 17 and her dad lives in NI. I said to her "I can ask dad to send me the money and ill send it to you". Referring to her dad sending me the momey and ill send it to my daughter.

My partner has said that by calling him Dad, to my daughter, that im using a pet name and that i still love him. We havent been together for 14 years. He left and hasnt returned. Ive been barraged with messages body shaming me (again) telling me im disrespectful, saying hes just telling me the truth about my body, that im fucking out of order etc etc and my simple question is, did I use a pet name?

Im so confused. I have autism and I genuinely dont know if ive done wrong here.

OP posts:
ktopfwcv · 15/12/2025 02:48

Poor kids. I feel for each one. What a horrible environment to have to live in and call home.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/12/2025 03:07
  1. No you haven't done anything wrong
  2. He's not going to kill himself
  3. Do not let him back in the house
  4. Call the police and tell him that he has said that he is worried that he will kill you

They will take this very seriously. Show them his message.

You have said that you are capable of doing it alone, you own your own home and you are financially stable. There is literally not one reason to have this man in your house ever again.

The reason posters advise not to let him know you are posting on MN is that we can give good support and advice which is for you only. The less he knows the better.

QuirkyMoose · 15/12/2025 03:37

If you were referring to this man, your ex partner or ex-husband as "Dad or daddy" but there were no children involved, then I would say yeah, that's a pet name and it's a bit weird.
When you were literally having a conversation with your daughter, in which the man you are referring to is her father, and you're talking to her and you call the man dad. It is dad. It is her dad. And that's what you call him. You're not going to ask your daughter if you should ask "Frank" to send you the money. Or "the man I used to be married to" or "your biological male parent".
Your current partner is being ridiculous. But, it's obvious that he is feeling insecure, jealous, defensive, and is turning his feelings of inadequacy around to make you the bad guy.
Don't doubt yourself, you're not wrong.

andthat · 15/12/2025 03:41

tripleginandtonic · 14/12/2025 22:12

Why do you need to be involved? Why can't he send the money directly to her if she's 17?

Edited

Spectacularly missed the point @tripleginandtonic

PollyBell · 15/12/2025 04:06

sellthebigissue · 14/12/2025 22:08

I wish I could show the messages hes sent me, i dont know how to upload them. I have no idea what ive done wrong but by the sounds of these replies, ive done nothing. All I said was "ill ask dad to send me the money". That is it. Ive said sorry if it upset him but hes saying im not actually sorry and that I dont respect him

You dont respect your children or you would not let them have to put up with this, do not hide behind autism you mananaged to have and rasie children so if you care about them at all then leave him

Silverbirchleaf · 15/12/2025 04:13

You’ve done nothing wrong. Referring to your ex as dad is absolutely fine.

What is not fine is you staying with your partner who is a bully. Leave the partner and get on with your life for both yours and your daughter’s sake.

Motherofalittledragon · 15/12/2025 05:51

Dad is not a pet name. He’s absolutely unhinged you should get as far away from him as you can as fast as you can.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/12/2025 06:09

You need to speak to the police asap. He has made a threat that he might kill you.

ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 15/12/2025 06:31

sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 00:03

I have done so. Im really tired but hes messaged saying that the reason he leaves is because hes worried he will kill me and thats the safest option . I obviously cant risk anything

Screenshot all messages from him that say stuff like this, the insults, the ridiculous accusations, the threats of suicide. You need help from the police and women’s aid etc.

And going forward please don’t tell him what you’re doing. Don’t tell him you’re talking to people online about his behaviour, or you’re contacting anyone for help. Just do it. Separate yourself from that drama and avoid antagonising him for your own safety and your children’s. Ending an abusive relationship is statistically one of the most dangerous things a woman can do but there are ways to make it safer. One of those ways is to do it quietly without informing the perpetrator what you’re planning.

Boomer55 · 15/12/2025 07:01

I was married to my second husband 23 years until he died. But, if talking to my kids, I still called my ex “Dad” - because he was their dad. 🤷‍♀️. No problems at all.

Aside from all that, he’s an abuser, so you need to break away from him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/12/2025 07:06

sellthebigissue · 14/12/2025 23:15

The last time he threatened suicide and i called the police he told them I was lying about it and that he was fine and they subsequently told me I was wasting police time so im reluctant to call the police again.

As you can probably guess, this isnt my first rodeo with him. But recently hes been disappearing for hours on end and saying hes slept in the car. Over very miniscule things but theyre all my fault. Although I dont actually think they are. I think I habe put up with this for too long and been manipulated along the way. Ive been an easy target because im autistic and cant read the room very well.

Show quote history

Don't bother calling them, then.

He'll be fine, albeit probably planning a way to fake an attempt to terrorise you into submission - and apparently because you referred to his job title of 'Dad'.

Maray1967 · 15/12/2025 07:13

sellthebigissue · 14/12/2025 22:11

Now hes saying i dont want to be a good partner to him. Im so fuckingn confused.

I’m not surprised you’re confused - because he’s deliberately trying to confuse you.

Tell yourself loudly and clearly that he is abusive, because he is. He is needling you and throwing a strop because you said ‘Dad’ rather than ‘your Dad’ - seriously? You need to keep this idiot well away from yourself and your DC. Get the locks changed and message him that it’s over. If he has any stuff at yours, box it up and tell him when to collect it.

Have a peaceful Christmas and future once you’ve removed this unpleasant man from your life.

Maray1967 · 15/12/2025 07:18

sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 00:03

I have done so. Im really tired but hes messaged saying that the reason he leaves is because hes worried he will kill me and thats the safest option . I obviously cant risk anything

Oh this is way more serious. The police need to see this, whatever was said last time.

Stay away from him, he’s potentially dangerous physically and he’s certainly dangerous to your mental wellbeing.

Original poster
sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 07:19

PollyBell · 15/12/2025 04:06

You dont respect your children or you would not let them have to put up with this, do not hide behind autism you mananaged to have and rasie children so if you care about them at all then leave him

Show quote history

Respectfully, your comment is poor and lacks education.
You know nothing but judgement.
No one is hiding behind ASD. Managing to have and raise children doesnt mean i fully understand and comprehend what another person means when communicating with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 07:21

I got the locks changed.
He wont be coming back. I woke up to 4 youtube videos justifying why men cheat in relationships and its because the woman removes his peace. Or something like that. Im actually gobsmacked.

OP posts:
GaspingGekko · 15/12/2025 07:22

Please reach out to your mum. I guarantee you that she is hoping that this day would come eventually.

Original poster
sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 07:27

GaspingGekko · 15/12/2025 07:22

Please reach out to your mum. I guarantee you that she is hoping that this day would come eventually.

I will, not sure how it will be recieved but I will.
Ive done an online report to the police also so hopefully i will get some help there.

OP posts:
QBTheRoundestOfBees · 15/12/2025 07:43

GaspingGekko · 15/12/2025 07:22

Please reach out to your mum. I guarantee you that she is hoping that this day would come eventually.

Yes, get in touch with your mum. I would be there in a heartbeat if this was my DD.

Coercive control is a horrible experience but this is what this man is doing. He has isolated you from family and friends and controlled who you see and how you behave. It is domestic abuse.
Threatening to kill you is an escalation of behaviour which the police do need to know about. The man sounds unhinged and you must keep him away from you and DC. I know you are very scared and confused but call the police and/or Women’s Aid for help and make sure you have the messages screenshotted. You and your children deserve to be safe.

It is difficult to leave an abusive relationship but it is doable. Part of it is realising that you do deserve better and seeking help. This is not your fault.

This man may come back today with all the apologies and promising the moon, the stars and the sun. What you have to remember is that he has said he leaves the house because otherwise he would kill you, he has isolated you from friends and family and he kicks off over the slightest thing making you tread on eggshells. He is not going to change but you can change the situation by finding your way out.

Conniebygaslight · 15/12/2025 07:51

Get as much support as you can OP, he could be very dangerous if he thinks he's lost control. Please do not engage with him anymore, he almost certainly will turn on the charm offensive....do not fall for it.

BreadstickBurglar · 15/12/2025 09:54

I hope you got some sleep OP - have the police responded to you?

Elsvieta · 15/12/2025 12:18

"Out of order"?

That's all you need to know right there. He thinks women are his inferiors and you need to obey him. Throw this one back.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 15/12/2025 15:45

And reach out to old friends. Odds on they knew the score, but its hard when you think someone is being abused, if they aren't will they be insulted, if they are, how will they react? Good luck OP.

Original poster
sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 18:58

Thank you all for the messages. As guessed by most, he tried to come back this afternoon after ignoring multiple messages and links to youtube shorts stating why men cheat on women.

I will update all later when the babies are settled

OP posts:
QBTheRoundestOfBees · 15/12/2025 22:05

hi, I hope you are okay. Have you managed to reach out to any real life support?

Yellowcakestand · 15/12/2025 23:59

sellthebigissue · 15/12/2025 18:58

Thank you all for the messages. As guessed by most, he tried to come back this afternoon after ignoring multiple messages and links to youtube shorts stating why men cheat on women.

I will update all later when the babies are settled

Really hope you are ok