Pet name? Possible emotional abuse?

[sellthebigissue]

Not changing name as in my previous post, I was made aware I may be in an abusive relationship.

To cut things short, things havent been right since my previous post and ive been dealing with alot of shit from him.

This morning, my eldest daughter and I were chatting. Shes 17 and her dad lives in NI. I said to her "I can ask dad to send me the money and ill send it to you". Referring to her dad sending me the momey and ill send it to my daughter.

My partner has said that by calling him Dad, to my daughter, that im using a pet name and that i still love him. We havent been together for 14 years. He left and hasnt returned. Ive been barraged with messages body shaming me (again) telling me im disrespectful, saying hes just telling me the truth about my body, that im fucking out of order etc etc and my simple question is, did I use a pet name?

Im so confused. I have autism and I genuinely dont know if ive done wrong here.

Im more than capable of doing it alone. Im financially stable with my own home.

Why would I not tell him ive posted online for opinions. I no longer have friends to talk to. Its me and the kids so the views and opinions of others are well recieved, even if they are judgemental and shit, like yours.

Does he have a key? If so get the locks changed ASAP. Get his shit packed, if he hasnt taken it already, and block him. If he comes back and started threatening you, call the police

I can guess he is the exact reason you no longer have friends to talk to.

If he threatens suicide call the police and ask them to do a welfare check, explaining you have had a concerning message from you ex partner.

His emotional state is not your responsibility. He wants you to be panicking, worried, thinking it's your fault, begging him back and trying to fix the situation by giving in to his demands. By putting it in the hands of the police with a welfare check you have acted kindly and responsibly by sending him trained and appropriate help.

Tinsel is right though, harsh though it seems. Talking to him won't help, don't respond or get drawn into explaination, argument or trying to show him evidence or perspectives. He will just look to twist whatever you say, he's not interested in the rights and wrongs of the situation, only in the chaos he is creating, and 'winning' by making you feel you are in the wrong.

I.think he has blocked me now as i an unwilling to apologise. Can I just clarify it again.
Hes saying I never referred to him as dad to my daughter, I called him dad like a pet name.

This is how the convo went.

DD - Can I have the £40 you owe me
Me - (joking) think ill keep it as your board this month
DD - So im going to have to pay to live here now (jesting)
Her dad sends her £250 a month instead of sending me maintenance. Shes still in education.
Me- ill just ask dad to send it to me and then ill send the remainder to you (minus £40 for board) again, joking.

And that was it. But apparently by me saying dad and not your dad, im using a pet name and i obviously still love him and want to call him daddy.

That conversation is a ridiculous thing to create drama over, it's such a non event.

You have guessed correctly. But he always said it was because he missed me when I went out or the likes. Or that my friends didnt have good intentions.

But it has dawned on me this evening that I cant even go shopping for food without being riddled with anxiety and constantly clock watching to make sure I am not too long otherwise hes upset and thinks I dont want to spend time with him

Yes, I think you need professional support to get him out your life and keep him out.
I am not man bashing, I have a son and partner. But I would expect both of them, and any man, to treat a woman properly and with respect.
When my DC were at nursery they just referred to the parents as mum and dad. Like, note for mum that X needs whatever. Or tell dad that X did whatever. It’s just how you refer to parents as shorthand. For your DD, it is her dad so it makes sense to say tell dad x, y or z. So you have done nothing wrong.
You also don’t need to apologise for your body or your house keeping. A decent man accepts you as you are and helps you.

I would keep your posting history secret though as well as take advice privately from him. This is about taking steps to protect yourself and DC. Organisations like women’s aid exist to help you. Him saying things like ‘man hating women’ is just trying to confuse you and invalidate the advice you are getting. You can also speak to your midwife, or your GP about domestic abuse.

You need to stop thinking about the conversation. In the big scheme of things it's meaningless. He's just finding excuses to have a go at you.
Please don't let him back in. If he's kicking things at you it won't be long until he's physically violent f he hasn't been already.
You and your children deserve so much more.

The last time he threatened suicide and i called the police he told them I was lying about it and that he was fine and they subsequently told me I was wasting police time so im reluctant to call the police again.

As you can probably guess, this isnt my first rodeo with him. But recently hes been disappearing for hours on end and saying hes slept in the car. Over very miniscule things but theyre all my fault. Although I dont actually think they are. I think I habe put up with this for too long and been manipulated along the way. Ive been an easy target because im autistic and cant read the room very well.

Why would "dad" even be a pet name for a partner, that's not usual, is it?

Also I just want to say that you don't need to apologise to anyone for gaining weight. You don't owe your body or appearance to anyone.

It's completely normal to refer to your child's parent as mum or dad.
Same for grandparents, I always call my mother and mil gran and granny.

I just cant comorehend how hes flew off the handle over it. I knew i did nothing wrong when I said it but he was shouting and so angry that I genuinely thought i did.

I need to try and sleep. I will update tomorrow and im going to try and seek some help

I'm sure it's not your first rodeo with him.
It's also not you wasting police time, it is him, as if he wasn't being such a shit sending manipulative and suicidal messages you wouldn't have needed to ask for their help in making sure he was safe. It's perfectly acceptable to call the police in a situation if you feel someone is at risk harm.

I would still call the police if he threatens suicide , and show /send them the messages so they understand your perspective and the situation that led you to call

I would be calling a locksmith NOW and getting the locks changed.
Don't let him in your house ever again.

I have done so. Im really tired but hes messaged saying that the reason he leaves is because hes worried he will kill me and thats the safest option . I obviously cant risk anything

This is what you need to show the police. I’m sorry he’s threatening you and making your life so hard. Can you report it tonight? I don’t want to scare you more but over 100 women a year are killed by a partner or ex.

Do you have family who you trust?

Screenshot that message and it needs to go to the police and also seek support from Women’s Aid. He cannot come back in your house.

Ive realised I dont have anyone unfortunately as ive been isolated for a long time. He didnt like the kids seeing my mum and said it was due to her smoking in the back garden snd that mum didnt have the kids best interests at heart as she gave the sweets and chocolate so he stopped me taking them. I dont have any friends due to similar and him saying they didnt have good intentions.i thought he was protecting me and the kids.

My mum did try to warn me but I didnt listen so I only have myself to blame. I have the children at home so I cant risk anything happening. Im waiting for emergency locksmith.

You need to leave this man as soon as possible. Honestly, he’s an abusive cunt and sounds insane.

Set an example for your daughter and get rid of him.

You don’t have yourself to blame. He is to blame as he chooses to behave like this and has manipulated you. But you’ve come to see he’s a dangerous liar and that’s a sign of strength.

Please call 111 and report his threat to you, explain about the locksmith etc and that you are pregnant and have children in the house. Explain that he’s cut you off from your family and friends and that he is emotionally abusive. You feel alone but you’re not - the police and social services are actually there to help, as well as the midwives and health visitors and probably children’s workers in your area. You’ve done nothing wrong you’ve just been naive. He’s the criminal. You have to believe this.

This is not only emotional abuse it’s coercive control.
He’s literally trying to keep you in a bubble and isolate you away from your life.
This must be so hard for you especially being pregnant right now but you need him out.
Abusers threaten suicide a lot it’s to gain sympathy and keep you trapped. Victim mentality.
If you can’t do the freedom project online it gives you a bit of insight into this behaviour.

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that book really got me understanding what my ex did to me. Although reading this book around your partner may be hard.

There’s an online AI chat called AimeeSays which is great for victims of abuse too.

Sorry to throw these suggestions at you I’m just listing some things which helped me leave and understand the abusive dynamic.

Can do, not can’t 🙈

Call the police .

This is what they deal with all the time and I absolutely promise you they won’t think you’re wasting their resources . What’s he’s doing is called controlling and coercive behaviour, and it’s against the law . He’s isolated you from any support , made you dependent on his approval , and caused you to change or adapt your life so as not to upset him. Massively wrong. There are people and agencies out there who will be happy to help you, and the quickest way to access that support , is to report it. Easier said than done I know , but no one will criticise you when you call 101 .

He's a total Pollock.

Could you reach out to your mum maybe? Even just very quietly at first. If she warned you, hopefully she will understand and may be able to support you?