Your instincts are right and you are in an abusive relationship. This is where he wants you - confused, walking on eggshells, baffled by the issue but feeling guilt like you might have done something wrong.
If it wasn't this issue, he would have found something else. It's not about calling your ex dad, having bad grammer, lack of respect, any critique he's making of your body - none of these is the real issue. He wants to put you on the back foot, to pick a fight and somehow make it your fault. It's training, to see how far he can push you, make you doubt yourself, make apologies for nothing, compromise to keep him sweet, and eventually be training into censoring yourself, moulding your behaviour around his demands and moods, using all your energy and headspace to manage them.
Look at the argument he's provoked - it's absolutely ridiculous to put so much drama on a simple choice of words in a basic conversation with your daughter that was fairly tangential to him, didn't concern or involve him. It wasn't about the words or respect or whatever crap he is spinning out of this flimsy excuse, its about the result of putting you off balance and doubting yourself.
A normal person does doubt themselves in a situation with conflict, tries to understand the other perspective, talk things out as you have tried. But he's not playing by normal person rules, or interested in resolution, so he's stormed off and is trying to ramp up the drama, hurt you with a laundry list of your failings until you start to believe him, take on his perspective, probably apologise and beg him to come back. Then in his mind, he can magnanimously forgive you, and settle back into the relationship with you knowing your place, watching your words around him and knowing, dreading the treatment you'll get if he takes offence again.
Please just let this be the end, don't let him back in or try and talk it out, or try and make him see your perspective. Just agree with him, it's over.