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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague held my hand

69 replies

111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 13:47

I am a teacher and have a male colleague, let's call him Shane. Shane was doing an activity with my Reception class and I came to pick them up when it was finished.

Shane is always a bit 'eccentric', very friendly, jokey, bit of a cheeky chappy type of thing. I've always found him a bit annoying (everything's a joke) but generally smile and nod to pass myself.

I asked Shane, in front of the class how they had been and at that moment, he took my hand. Like, held my hand like we were boyfriend and girlfriend and launched into some kind of nonsensenscial speech while holding my hand.

In that moment, I did not know what to do and froze. I stood there letting him hold my hand and felt like I wanted it to stop but didn't know how to get out of it. I thought about my husband and how I should not be holding Shane's hand. A teaching assistant was standing there watching. I cannot remember what gibberish he was talking but once he finished I sort of raised both our hands in a fake celebration style 'yeah!' and promptly dropped his hand. I moved away from him and did my best to avoid him ever since.

Every time he has spoken to me I have been curt but polite. He wouldn't have held a male colleague's hand and wouldn't have done it if my husband was there. It has really annoyed me and I'm also really annoyed with myself for not pushing him away. I just froze! I've no idea why I didn't react more but I think he took a liberty to be funny and it bothered me.

I had an issue with a male colleague harassing me years ago and I think it's imparting my judgement so wanted to thrash it out here. Am I being silly for feeling so stupid!!!!

OP posts:
TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 13:51

Forget your husband in this - he's nothing to do with the situation.

He sounds very odd. I'd ask him - with the TA present - why he was holding your hand in front of the class and tell him not to do it again.

BlueberryOats · 14/12/2025 13:51

I'd find that wierd. What do you want to happen? If you don't want him to do it again and you don't feel comfortable speaking to him direct then report it to your superior. Or you could report it so it's logged. In case he does similar things.

Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 13:52

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 13:51

Forget your husband in this - he's nothing to do with the situation.

He sounds very odd. I'd ask him - with the TA present - why he was holding your hand in front of the class and tell him not to do it again.

Well he does. Im married and I only hold hands with my husband and it felt wrong to hold hands with another man. This is part of why I felt so pissed off.

OP posts:
BlueberryOats · 14/12/2025 13:52

Hopefully it's just bad judgment on his part but I think the point is never the motivation or intention, it's how it made you feel.

Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 14:10

BlueberryOats · 14/12/2025 13:52

Hopefully it's just bad judgment on his part but I think the point is never the motivation or intention, it's how it made you feel.

I think maybe he is just immature but I also think me being female was why he did it and that is annoying me too. I probably sound so silly!

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 14/12/2025 14:22

I appreciate it made you uncomfortable but it was a handhold so nothing major in the great scheme of things and I think you're being a bit ridiculous bringing your husband into this

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 14:27

111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 13:52

Well he does. Im married and I only hold hands with my husband and it felt wrong to hold hands with another man. This is part of why I felt so pissed off.

Show quote history

What if you were doing an activity which meant you had to hold hands with both teachers and pupils?

I suspect he was trying to model solidarity.

ItsNotMeEither · 14/12/2025 14:30

It would have helped if you had perhaps been able to take in what he was saying. It does sound like it was some sort of performative gesture, exaggeratedly celebrating the behaviour of the class. A bit odd/excentric, but nothing more. I think what he was saying probably gave the hand holding some context.

I can't for the life of me see how it has anything to do with your husband. When you shake hands when greeting someone, do you also consider that inappropriate?

To be honest, to me you do sound a bit silly, but, if it really has upset you, then you need to let him know, Send him and email to let him know that you were uncomfortable and that you would ask him not to touch you or take your hand again.

PearTreeBoat · 14/12/2025 14:37

I mean come on OP he held your hand in front of a room full of kids and another adult, he didn't have you pinned up against the shelving units in the store room trying to grope you. The whole "freezing" and not knowing what to do is a bit ott.

Should he have done it, probably not, but without context I can't say that for definite. Its such a shame that because of the actions of some men we now react to just about every type of human interaction in a negative way.

Supperlite · 14/12/2025 14:37

111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 13:52

Well he does. Im married and I only hold hands with my husband and it felt wrong to hold hands with another man. This is part of why I felt so pissed off.

Show quote history

I understand your POV, OP, but if that’s the case then you should think about what you need to do to hold your boundaries. Holding a person’s hand isn’t a big deal for many people. I’m not saying the colleague wasn’t being impolite, but he wasn’t harassing you by holding your hand. I think sometimes we can unfairly feel angry with others for crossing our boundaries when we haven’t actually articulated those boundaries. If it’s something you don’t like, you can use this experience to learn how to assert yourself.

cakebreak · 14/12/2025 14:38

I think it was wildly unprofessional @111iiifortt2 and I think it shows and astonishing lack of judgement/boundaries on his part that would make me question whether he should work in a school

Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 15:47

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 14:27

What if you were doing an activity which meant you had to hold hands with both teachers and pupils?

I suspect he was trying to model solidarity.

Show quote history

I've been teaching for 20 years and ive never encountered having to participate ina hand holding activity that another teacher has spontaneously decided we are doing. If there are any other teachers reading this can you let me know if this is your experience too?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/12/2025 15:50

Bit weird, probably
over enthusiastic but nothing i would get fussed about

Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 15:52

PearTreeBoat · 14/12/2025 14:37

I mean come on OP he held your hand in front of a room full of kids and another adult, he didn't have you pinned up against the shelving units in the store room trying to grope you. The whole "freezing" and not knowing what to do is a bit ott.

Should he have done it, probably not, but without context I can't say that for definite. Its such a shame that because of the actions of some men we now react to just about every type of human interaction in a negative way.

Well this is the thing. Without getting too deep, I was raised to never speak up and if I had a problem with something I was always told it was my own fault, I was too sensitive etc. Through the years I ignored many red flags because I worried if it was in my head and it often turned out that I had been right at the start. I ended up in a very frightening situation with a previous male colleague (he got sacked for it so it wasn't just me being OTT) and at the time I remember thinking 'why didn't I trust my instincts earlier on'.

I dont think I want to do anything further, I just wondered how other people would feel. Maybe I did just read into it too much but I do have a feeling that he took advantage of the situation to hold my hand and I guess I just didn't like it. Its true there's a sore spot there but I'll definitely be faster to respond in future.

OP posts:
CraftyPlayer · 14/12/2025 15:53

You are being totally OTT.

Evaka · 14/12/2025 16:00

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 14:27

What if you were doing an activity which meant you had to hold hands with both teachers and pupils?

I suspect he was trying to model solidarity.

Show quote history

Jesus, why are you playing down how weird this dude is? He can model solidarity in a squillion ways without grabbing OP's hand out of nowhere. I'd find that thoroughly uncomfortable. I'd tell him so OP - "Hey Shane. Don't grab my hand like that again, it made me feel very uncomfortable".

pimplebum · 14/12/2025 16:03

Teacher for 31 years lots of “make a circle “ where you hold hands and spread out type thing - usually with kids rather than teachers

id be more concerned that he was talking gibberish- is he having a break down ? Or was their context in the activity ( eg was it dinging and he was quoting a song lyric ?) Ia simple “ they were fantastic Mrs teacher” would have been better

you are ok to feel uncomfortable and not like it , I find the bit about your husband old fashioned and possessive but you are ok to not want to touch hands and what he did was a bit unusual, I would make a note of when and where, the witnesses leave it at that . Only report if there are further incidents .

brush it off and enjoy the last week / holiday

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 16:08

Tell him to keep his hands to himself. This should be a standard rule in the workplace.

You had a freeze response and that says in that moment, you perceived a threat. He violated your personal boundaries. That needs to stop.

If you can't speak up for yourself as an adult and set boundaries with touchy feely coworkers, you need therapy to see why that's so difficult for you.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 14/12/2025 16:10

111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 15:52

Well this is the thing. Without getting too deep, I was raised to never speak up and if I had a problem with something I was always told it was my own fault, I was too sensitive etc. Through the years I ignored many red flags because I worried if it was in my head and it often turned out that I had been right at the start. I ended up in a very frightening situation with a previous male colleague (he got sacked for it so it wasn't just me being OTT) and at the time I remember thinking 'why didn't I trust my instincts earlier on'.

I dont think I want to do anything further, I just wondered how other people would feel. Maybe I did just read into it too much but I do have a feeling that he took advantage of the situation to hold my hand and I guess I just didn't like it. Its true there's a sore spot there but I'll definitely be faster to respond in future.

Show quote history

Two things

I'm very very surprised that you've learnt nothing from the last incident

I would definitely write down what happened, who was in the room, how you felt ....and take it to the SLT

You need this documented in case he tries something else and you REALLY need to learn how to advocate and support yourself

If you feel uneasy and the situation doesn't warrant a hand hold, then it's a situation which needs highlighting

Not sure about your comment about your husband, though! A bit 1950s

BillieWiper · 14/12/2025 16:14

Is there some section in all your employment contracts/code of conduct about consensual touching?

If so you should copy and paste it and send it to him. Saying thought you might need reminding on this. Then obviously if he does it again complain to his boss.

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 16:21

Evaka · 14/12/2025 16:00

Jesus, why are you playing down how weird this dude is? He can model solidarity in a squillion ways without grabbing OP's hand out of nowhere. I'd find that thoroughly uncomfortable. I'd tell him so OP - "Hey Shane. Don't grab my hand like that again, it made me feel very uncomfortable".

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not. It’s the kind of thing we do at nursery! Nothing weird in it, unless you make it so.

NotAnotherScarf · 14/12/2025 16:25

111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 14:10

I think maybe he is just immature but I also think me being female was why he did it and that is annoying me too. I probably sound so silly!

Show quote history

Err no. I don't think I've ever held a colleagues hand apart from helping someone climb over something on one of those team building days.

It's not appropriate and really as a teacher who will be acutely aware of appropriate behaviour protocols it's shouldn't happen

fluffythecat1 · 14/12/2025 16:45

I think OP should trust her instincts. If something doesn’t feel right it’s often because it isn’t. I would speak to a member of SLT that you trust, not in a formal sense, but just to talk it though and to say that you find his behaviour makes you uncomfortable. They may have some input and you will have made your feelings known in case anything else happens. A male teacher holding your hand spontaneously in a way that makes you uncomfortable isn’t the same as a circle time or similar where everyone is holding hands as part of the activity, OP’s feelings are valid.

Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 16:48

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 16:21

I’m not. It’s the kind of thing we do at nursery! Nothing weird in it, unless you make it so.

Show quote history

I hold hands with the kids, do the whole make a circle thing but I dont ever, when doing a handover and the other teacher asks how they've been, hold hands with that colleague and go off on a random tangent to the kids. It had no learning purpose. If it had, and we had planned it ahead of time, it would be fine but it was for no reason at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
111iiifortt2 · 14/12/2025 16:52

pimplebum · 14/12/2025 16:03

Teacher for 31 years lots of “make a circle “ where you hold hands and spread out type thing - usually with kids rather than teachers

id be more concerned that he was talking gibberish- is he having a break down ? Or was their context in the activity ( eg was it dinging and he was quoting a song lyric ?) Ia simple “ they were fantastic Mrs teacher” would have been better

you are ok to feel uncomfortable and not like it , I find the bit about your husband old fashioned and possessive but you are ok to not want to touch hands and what he did was a bit unusual, I would make a note of when and where, the witnesses leave it at that . Only report if there are further incidents .

brush it off and enjoy the last week / holiday

He stood holding my hand and picking out students that had done well and was saying their name in elongated silly ways, like Andy pandy skwandy, you were a superdoopertrpoperblooperwooper star, etc etc and then some very unnecessarily long winded way of saying everyone had done a good job and the ones who weren't listening need to listen more but it was all said in a kid's teacher version of Russel Brand. He loves the sound of his own voice and uses 100 words to say what could be said in 10.

OP posts: