Colleague held my hand

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I am a teacher and have a male colleague, let's call him Shane. Shane was doing an activity with my Reception class and I came to pick them up when it was finished.

Shane is always a bit 'eccentric', very friendly, jokey, bit of a cheeky chappy type of thing. I've always found him a bit annoying (everything's a joke) but generally smile and nod to pass myself.

I asked Shane, in front of the class how they had been and at that moment, he took my hand. Like, held my hand like we were boyfriend and girlfriend and launched into some kind of nonsensenscial speech while holding my hand.

In that moment, I did not know what to do and froze. I stood there letting him hold my hand and felt like I wanted it to stop but didn't know how to get out of it. I thought about my husband and how I should not be holding Shane's hand. A teaching assistant was standing there watching. I cannot remember what gibberish he was talking but once he finished I sort of raised both our hands in a fake celebration style 'yeah!' and promptly dropped his hand. I moved away from him and did my best to avoid him ever since.

Every time he has spoken to me I have been curt but polite. He wouldn't have held a male colleague's hand and wouldn't have done it if my husband was there. It has really annoyed me and I'm also really annoyed with myself for not pushing him away. I just froze! I've no idea why I didn't react more but I think he took a liberty to be funny and it bothered me.

I had an issue with a male colleague harassing me years ago and I think it's imparting my judgement so wanted to thrash it out here. Am I being silly for feeling so stupid!!!!

Exactly. I've done the circle time hand holdy thing a million times and also role playing with other teachers. He did not need to hold my hand. We stood there like boyfriend and girlfriend and I know he wouldn't have done it if my husband was there. Many people saying I'm old fashioned or whatever but I personally dont want to hold hands with any man except my husband because it felt intimate in the context the colleague was doing it and felt nothing like a handshake or even like a hug to say goodbye to a colleague who is leaving etc. I felt like a line had been crossed and it felt really unnecessary.

I'm picturing him as kind of outrageously camp, Timmy Mallet-style (see pic, showing my age) ... then I can see someone doing it.
Otherwise, bit odd maybe, but ... made OP uncomfortable - worth talking to him about it first.

Would this have been okay if you were single? Marital status is surely irrelevant.

Haha I remember him too! No he isn't camp at all.

Agreed. Absolutely speak to a member of SLT informally about it. Sexual harassment can start in the grey areas where people aren’t quite sure where the boundaries are and it can start in plain sight.

Of course not. But my brain was processing it like 'I do this with my husband, not you!' I think my brain was recognising that I felt i was in an intimate situation with someone didn't want to be

I really can't fathom why you're mentioning your husband so often OP. He's immaterial to the situation and you're making yourself sound as though you're Amish. Other men can surely link arms or hold hands with a woman whether they're married or not. The difference is context and consent. In this case your colleague took complete advantage, as men too often do. You aren't his best friend, the "performance" wasn't planned or agreed and there was definitely no need to touch you physically. He sounds like a prick. And no, he wouldn't have done it to a male colleague.

It all sounds weird, but mainly that you had such a problem with it. So he grabbed your hand in the moment in front of loads of people. This isn't remotely romantic or flirtatious or whatever you seem to think. Would have been weirder if you were alone.

He might be a very tactile/expressive person and not realised this is an issue for you. The fact it was a handhold and done in front of the class of children would suggest it was likely meant innocently.
I’d consider raising it with him (maybe with the witnessing TA present if you don’t feel comfortable doing it alone) and saying that you don’t like being touched like that - I’m not a tactile person myself and it’s a running joke with my friends that I don’t hug, but they respect it.
IF he were then to do it again, you should consider speaking to management, BUT I’d hope that would be unlikely here.

I would find this very very odd.

I don’t think it quite warrants escalation now, but I would do so at the first sign of it happening again.

What I would do is choose a phrase which is appropriate to use in front of children but which clearly tells him to back off. Something like “please stop touching me Mr X, I don’t like it”. Practice saying it enough that you’re confident that you’ll be able to use it if needed.

I also agree, I would definitely take this to SLT, if you don’t he might think you didn’t actually mind & come into your classroom when no one else is about & make you feel even more uncomfortable…
Having previously been a teacher that’s what I would do if I were in your shoes.
You don’t need to make a big deal about it, but it does need to be addressed so it isn’t repeated.

Absolutely, it just seems odd and it is unwanted as the OP clearly stated. Some men will behave like this with women who they feel are more vulnerable and given what the OP has said in this regard, this is another red flag. Speaking to SLT, without necessarily raising anything official at this stage, will at least leave a paper trail and should reassure you. They have a duty of care.

OMG a man held my hand, do I get a divorce, ring HR, the police, book a therapy session? Why are so many posts coming from the perspective of a 7 year old that’s had stranger danger training?

Don’t you dare turn this round to blame OP! Freezing in a situation like this is very common, and is part of the ‘fight, flight, freeze or fawn’ response.

Your body, your choice OP.

Your colleague did something with which you were made to feel uncomfortable.

I would make note of the event as suggested upthread. I would also speak to him (with a witness present), making it clear that he is not to touch you without your consent and document that. I would email him, making clear

I would send or cc in SLT on all emails.

If after making it clear your boundaries he oversteps then I would seek to escalate.

Edit: typos

Oh come on.. she was in a classroom with a man enthusiastically talking about how well the children had done, with another TA and a class full of children watching. Hardly in a dark alleyway or quiet corner of a club having a freeze response.

What nonsense. That's not how this works. Anything triggering can create that response

From what you are saying in your post, it sounds like you froze........which is a natural and normal reaction.

Your colleague miss-judged the situation and I suggest you have a quiet but firm word with him not to pull a 'stunt' like that again as it was extremly innapropriate, especially as you are a married woman and that he made you uncomfortable.

He needs to be careful because marriages break down over things like that, this is why I suggest you warn him to keep his distance in future.

I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d end up holding another colleagues hand. I wouldn’t like it. Id probably react on the spot. Make a joke and untangle my hand from his. That’s how I deal with things.

@ginasevern
I really can't fathom why you're mentioning your husband so often OP. He's immaterial to the situation and you're making yourself sound as though you're Amish.

She was talking about how she felt and what she thought and part of that was about her husband. When I was in a somewhat similar situation, afterwards I thought of a list of people who I'd have been ok with doing it - my husband, my son and my mum, I couldn't even imagine a close friend being ok, let alone a colleague.

@OliveLurker
He might be a very tactile/expressive person and not realised this is an issue for you.

I knew one of those. Always touching people, quite openly, hand on the arm or shoulder. Came up to me at a meeting, must seen from my face that I didn't like it, went right into how he knows some people aren't keen but it was just the way he was.

doesn’t matter. Anything unusual happening can leave one in a freeze response.

No, I can't remember holding hands with a colleague but I have held the hand of many a Reception class child. I would have just treated Shane like one of the children. That is how he was acting imho

That’s why you tell them that you aren’t comfortable with it and to stop. If it continues, it is then a reason to escalate with management.

I am currently part of an ongoing gross misconduct sexual harassment case in my workplace. I challenged and warned before I reported it. I am glad that I gave the individual the opportunity to stop for a number of reasons.

1. Any colleagues who may try to victim blame can shove it as I clearly voiced my boundaries.
2. There’s no doubt in my mind that the individual was well aware that the behaviour was unwanted and chose to carry on. It wasn’t a ‘mistake’ and they cannot claim it was.
3. My challenges of their behaviour are documented which will make it a whole lot easier at the hearing.

Many people saying I'm old fashioned or whatever but I personally dont want to hold hands with any man except my husband because it felt intimate

You don’t need to have a husband to find it inappropriate. Lots of single women experience creepy men, their experience isn’t any different to yours because you’re married.

Complain to the head and don’t say it’s because you have a husband.

I think you're overreacting, he sounds quite theatrical. He was putting on a display engaging the children. It does not sound anything like sexual harassment.