Colleague held my hand

[111iiifortt2]

I am a teacher and have a male colleague, let's call him Shane. Shane was doing an activity with my Reception class and I came to pick them up when it was finished.

Shane is always a bit 'eccentric', very friendly, jokey, bit of a cheeky chappy type of thing. I've always found him a bit annoying (everything's a joke) but generally smile and nod to pass myself.

I asked Shane, in front of the class how they had been and at that moment, he took my hand. Like, held my hand like we were boyfriend and girlfriend and launched into some kind of nonsensenscial speech while holding my hand.

In that moment, I did not know what to do and froze. I stood there letting him hold my hand and felt like I wanted it to stop but didn't know how to get out of it. I thought about my husband and how I should not be holding Shane's hand. A teaching assistant was standing there watching. I cannot remember what gibberish he was talking but once he finished I sort of raised both our hands in a fake celebration style 'yeah!' and promptly dropped his hand. I moved away from him and did my best to avoid him ever since.

Every time he has spoken to me I have been curt but polite. He wouldn't have held a male colleague's hand and wouldn't have done it if my husband was there. It has really annoyed me and I'm also really annoyed with myself for not pushing him away. I just froze! I've no idea why I didn't react more but I think he took a liberty to be funny and it bothered me.

I had an issue with a male colleague harassing me years ago and I think it's imparting my judgement so wanted to thrash it out here. Am I being silly for feeling so stupid!!!!

I mean it’s clear you don’t like him as a person and that’s fine, and it’s a bit over-familiar, but I voted YABU because I think you’re being a bit of a drama llama (sorry…). “I only hold hands with my husband! clutches pearls”

I know men that would hold a non-partner’s hand in certain contexts. They’re just flamboyant. I’d tell him I’m not a hand holder - you should definitely outline your boundaries- but I wouldn’t be stressed or freaked out about it. I’d be as annoyed by this as I am the way some women are constant touchers.

But my brain was processing it like 'I do this with my husband, not you!

I do think this is a bit OTT - as you said yourself, sometimes you do it with the children. He does sound very odd (I’m getting Mr Poppy vibes!) and I can see why you didn’t like it and felt uncomfortable in the moment, though. I always remember Theresa May talking about Trump holding her hand and saying “it was odd - but what was I supposed to do?” and there’s an element of that here - it sounds like you handled it well with the air punch and the “yeah” thing as it removed any sense of intimacy. But overall I’d say odd? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes. But sexual? No, probably not. I’d just try to forget about it and steer a bit clear in future, I think - unless it becomes a pattern of odd behaviour.

OP, perhaps you should go and speak to him and ask him not to do that again. Now you’ve gathered yourself you can place that boundary down and hold it if it upsets you so.

I really do think you're overreacting.
You are an adult, talk to him tomorrow and say it made you uncomfortable. State your boundaries if you have to.
To involve other people in a handhold is ridiculous.

@111iiifortt2 i don’t know why people are being weird. Of course it’s not okay and differen to holding hands in a circle with consent. Grabbing your hand like that is brigade he wanted to and knew you couldn’t say no, that’s assault to me. Feeezing is a blanket relaonde and nothing you did bad. I would be the same as my conditioning tells me to please the other person in the room

Teacher here 🙋‍♀️ I was going to post anyway but then I saw this. I think it’s beyond weird. I agree that he would never have done it to a man. I also think that thinking of your husband is reasonable as most of us wouldn’t be comfortable with someone of the opposite sex grabbing our OH’s hand. I also have been in situations where I have been frozen rather than reacting, I mean 30 young children were watching so what should / could you have done? What to do about it though? Could you approach the TA and ask what their opinion was in that moment? Perhaps they found it odd but didn’t feel they could mention it? I don’t think it matters but I am curious as to what he was saying to you and them when he grabbed your hand? It’s unwanted and uninvited physical contact in my opinion and we teach young children to seek permission to give hugs or hold hands and then he carries on like this. I have worked with a lot of male teachers that act in a similar way to this, cheeky and bordering on inappropriate banter, they are often the sports ones (my own personal experience of course and not meaning to stereotype) I think it need addressing but I would find it awkward to speak to him in person. Approach SLT and ask how would be best to approach it maybe? Sorry this happened. I know some people think you’re being silly but I have had a few things like this happen to me and it’s hard to deal with because you beat yourself up about not doing anything.

Oh the amount of people that don’t understand that abuse can be out in the open. Often abusers rely on the victim believing that they must be overreacting because the abuse is happening in front of everyone. Of course it’s a huge leap in this case but it is overstepping and it is unwanted contact. Abusers get braver over time. Anyone with a child attending school should want this woman to nip this in the bud and have it on record somewhere should another person ever experience similar.

I've got him down as Kevin from Motherland in my mind.

No one should be touched at work without their permission.

i would just speak to him with a witness and say it made you feel uncomfortable and don’t do it again. If he takes it on board then no need report him.

But you didn't hold hands with him. He took your hand without permission and you understandably froze. You've done nothing wrong. Tell him in front of the ta or another adult that it mustn't happen again. And step back if he gets close again.

Ive read this thread a few times.
And tbvh op i think your being a bit of a drama queen.
Maybe hes a bit hypo or over jolly and happy touchy person camp, but i cant see where the problem is.
Just tell him nicely please dont touch me or please dont hold my hand, i know you mean nothing by it but im not a touchy person.

You have taken a dislike to the man and anything he does will likely elicit offense. So you are angling for some spurious sexual harassment / triggered trauma accusation so you can hopefully get him dismissed, right?

Or am I being too cynical?

I agree that it’s about your boundaries. You are upset because your boundaries were crossed and you “ allowed” it. I wouldn’t tell him anything ( I would avoid him like plague) but I would think carefully what else might be crossing your boundaries and what would say/ do in case of it.

I would probably raise it with SLT in asking for an advice/ expressing concern type but I wouldn’t mention your DH or marital status as an argument. It’s more about you considering this gesture personal and not something you do with a colleague without a reason (and there was none).
Tbh I wouldn’t like it myself and if it was a woman I wouldn’t like it either. I only touchy feely with DH and DD. I wouldn’t hold a hand with my own sister unless there was a reason for this e.g as a physical support

He did not need to hold my hand. We stood there like boyfriend and girlfriend and I know he wouldn't have done it if my husband was there.

I think it's more to the point that he wouldn't have done it to a male colleague. I would speak with SLT and say that you feel he felt entitled to touch you because you are female and he would not have done that to a male colleague.

I've worked in school in various different roles for many years and I have never had another colleague take my hand. Don't ignore your instincts. For all you know, others may have complained about him too and it all adds to the big picture.

YANBU

His behaviour was odd & it made you very uncomfortable.

Telling "Shane" that it made you very comfortable & asking him not to do it again, in front of the TA (as a witness & for support) isn't a bad idea

In the OP

In that moment, I did not know what to do and froze.

From @NoisyMonster678

From what you are saying in your post, it sounds like you froze...

Extraordinary powers of perception there.

A male colleague took my hand and held it without asking me first, those are the facts. The mention of my husband is me processing the emotional side. People are saying that unmarried women are victims of unwanted male touch too. I know this too well because when I was a single, 18 year old girl, a man had sex with me on the floor of a bathroom at a house party when I was barely conscious.

I remember falling off the toilet because I was so drunk and then coming around to him having sex with me. I was hysterical and told him to stop and he did. I remember pulling myself up and leaning over the sink and crying and thinking 'my ex boyfriend would never have done this'.

My brain obviously makes comparisons with safe men when Im experiencing a sense of not being safe. In no way do I think I have some privileged status by virtue of being married that single women don't deserve. I was describing what was going through my mind at the time. You aren't my husband (this feels wrong). You wouldn't do this if my husband was here (because you know it's inappropriate). You wouldn't do this to one of our male colleagues (because they are men). That's exactly what went through my mind and I was relaying it here.

I won't explain my mentioning my husband again so I hope that clarifies things and people dont need to disect this aspect of my post any further.

He made you uncomfortable so either say it to him or report him, but honestly op i think you sound ridiculous going on about your husband and only ever holding his hand. It sounds like something from a Jane austen fanfic