Playdate hell - am I being OTT?

[GrumpyOldWoman2]

Had a playdate today with school mum and I’m still a bit ??? about it.
House was a mess. Not “oh kids live here” but actual dirt. Crumbs everywhere, sticky floor, random half-eaten food just… out. The kids were running round screaming while the mum sat on her phone saying “they’re fine”. Are they though?
Mine (4) kept coming over to me because it was so loud and she didn’t know what to do. No activities, no plan, just turn the TV on and let them go feral. They were eating crisps straight off the table. One kid wiped his nose on the sofa. I wish I was joking.
I know I’ll get “lower your standards” but surely basic hygiene isn’t too much to ask? I’m not expecting museum-level cleanliness but maybe wipe the table before inviting people over?
Also I got the vibe I was being uptight because I didn’t want DD climbing on the back of the sofa or eating food she’d dropped on the floor. Is that really so weird now?
Left early and DD asked why it was “so noisy and dirty”. I didn’t really know what to say.
AIBU to just… not do playdates like that again? Or is this just normal and I need to get over myself?

How well did you know the mum?

How well do you know the mum? Is she a good friend? Or a random nursery/school mum?

I think things are pretty bad when your kids notice the the mess and dirt. Sounds grim.

Not going to lie ours can be a bit of a mess at certain points in the day but my god I’d be mortified if it was like that for a play date!

‘Turn the Telly on and let them go feral’ just about sums up my parenting tbh.
You snd this Mum obviously have different parenting and lifestyles. It’s a good opportunity to explain to your DD that in life, people make difference choices and like different things.
No need for hand wringing, Just move on with your life. You’ll be ok.

Tinkly laugh to dd, and breezily say 'Oh, everyone's house is different' as anything you say risks being repeated to the other child - and then politely decline a return visit.

Sounds ghastly for playdates, but the kids can rub along together at school.

You have different parenting styles and will find this a lot as your child gets older.

I hate play dates but my house is always relatively tidy and it’s clean underneath any clutter that hasn’t been put away. I think places must be in need of cleaning if a four year old notices but noise is fairly standard especially if there are other children in the house.

Ghastly's too strong a word: but your account brings to mind a play date we endured with a lot of dog poo around.

However, we have also had dodgy playdates at some very clean houses too. And some great feral ones. It's all trial and error. You'll find your people.

(Is DD an only? I was and do remember always being shocked at the noise on playdates with siblings.)

No activities, no plan, just turn the TV on and let them go feral

The house being dirty is not great and I wouldn't go again.

I don't usually put the tv on during a play date but I wouldn't expect activities. The children will usually just play.

The dirt isn't great but I wouldn't expect activities at a playdate.

I was a turn the tv and let them go feral mum.

Not dirt. And impeccable behaviour expected in the outside world. But at home they were left to play.

YANBU for being disgusted at the minging house but YABU for expecting ‘planned activities’ on a play date. Are you the entertain them at all costs never let them get bored type of mum? Research says that this is not great parenting either.

DD’s school best friend’s mum, met in September. We’ve been to the park after school with them numerous times. We get on but not besties.

This.

Sounds like she was definitely not expecting you to come in let alone stay! Sat on her phone! How many kids were there?! Sounds terrible!

How many children do you have, and how many does she have?

Yanbu, at age 4 they do need someone to oversee them. I always had a few planned activities, mixed with free play. I would be disgusted by this - the state of the house and a feral child.
I have been doing play dates for years and years now and always have a clean and tidy home and made sure the kids had fun.

Did she know you were staying? Maybe she feels comfortable with you so doesn’t need to tidy up?

No, not normal. We've done a lot of playdates. Typical would be toys out and snacks around but on plates, a few crumbs but not loads (just from kids wandering around with a piece of toast for instance), normally no telly on, no structured activities set up but access to train sets/cars/Lego etc.. or some drawing.

My work involves going to into people's homes though and some are just shocking - cleaner to keep your shoes on.

The house does sound a bit grim, but I never plan activities for playdates and when we've been to other houses they haven't planned anything either. It's usually a combination of feral play, garden and TV.

Buy what are you going to do about it? You can't force her to clean her house.

Either your kids don't go round there anymore...or you just tolerate it.

I understand what you’re saying but I prefer these types of families over the snobby ones.

Either she doesn’t see anything wrong with it and is comfortable in her parenting or this was her after having tidying up.

I would generally plan activities because I’d be paranoid the kid went home saying they’d be bored but kids are fine to go and play by themselves, so that part wouldn’t bother me.

Yes, she asked me and we set a date and time, so definitely knew!

I went to party at a nursery friends house, both doctors. They opened the door and I had to step on clothes or over them all littering the hallway. There house was filthy and the kids where also running wild. I’ve never experienced anything like it but honestly I would avoid to going back too.

Just a basic level of hygiene was missing and it was grim.

The filthy house would bother me but not the lack of planned activities. Children can usually be left to amuse themselves on playdates. I never planned anything, just left them to it and kept an eye on them fairly regularly.

With the way you describe the house though, that would put me off going back there.

What are the parents like?