Playdate hell - am I being OTT?

[GrumpyOldWoman2]

Had a playdate today with school mum and I’m still a bit ??? about it.
House was a mess. Not “oh kids live here” but actual dirt. Crumbs everywhere, sticky floor, random half-eaten food just… out. The kids were running round screaming while the mum sat on her phone saying “they’re fine”. Are they though?
Mine (4) kept coming over to me because it was so loud and she didn’t know what to do. No activities, no plan, just turn the TV on and let them go feral. They were eating crisps straight off the table. One kid wiped his nose on the sofa. I wish I was joking.
I know I’ll get “lower your standards” but surely basic hygiene isn’t too much to ask? I’m not expecting museum-level cleanliness but maybe wipe the table before inviting people over?
Also I got the vibe I was being uptight because I didn’t want DD climbing on the back of the sofa or eating food she’d dropped on the floor. Is that really so weird now?
Left early and DD asked why it was “so noisy and dirty”. I didn’t really know what to say.
AIBU to just… not do playdates like that again? Or is this just normal and I need to get over myself?

I don't think this is that unusual tbh and it's why I'm not a huge fan of play dates, especially at drop-off age. You generally have no idea what it's like in the other person's house or who else is there, and the other parent is just using your child as free unsupervised entertainment for their own kid, who has the upper hand over yours as they're on home territory.

I was going to say the same

As others have said: dirt sounds a bit grim - though not as awful as some houses (and certainly not as bad as the dog poo another poster has mentioned!)

But I wouldn’t expect planned activities. A play date is just that, an opportunity for kids together and play, while parents natter whilst trying to ensure no serious injury or falling out. If you want planned activities you need to suggest a trip out to somewhere. We often do a National Trust or Farm for ours, especially useful when not very familiar with the other parents.

The dirt is grim. Also no need to put on the tv if they are having a playdate.
But I don't get the bit of planned activities @GrumpyOldWoman2 ? Were you expecting organised play when it's just two 4 year old girls? Surely they should be able to play with the toys available🤷‍♀️. Organised play is needed when there are plenty of small people like for a birthday party or something.

Anyway, I find it rude not to clean up a minimum before inviting people over, putting the tv on, being on the phone and let your kids run feral. Invite friend over to your house next time= your rules.

No, this isnt normal, but I think its unnecessarily judgy of you to post about it.

Just have playdates at yours instead of theirs from now on.

Standard of cleanliness doesn't reflect what a good friend the child will be.

Ds once went to a party of a lovely girl in his class. He snuck a house phone into the bathroom and rang me to please please pick him up.
He never went back. Real shame but he was horrified.. We had 6 dcats and a chaotic home but it was habitable... This was another level of unhygienic..

Don't let DD go there again, and don't invite the friend to your house either. Best to gently discourage or at least not actively encourage the friendship.

Whenever my DD has a play date I leave them to play, I don’t think you need to ‘plan activities’ that’s so exhausting. My DD and friends are more than happy to amuse themselves so the no activities thing isn’t a big deal to me. The mess/dirt and food everywhere though, no, yuk, basic hygiene. I wouldn’t be back.

Jeez 12% say you are unreasonable to have basic standards of cleanliness and parenting skills. God help the kids of those 12%

This has just brought back memories of my (at the time) only getting really upset at a friends house because his friend and friends brother were fighting 😂 lovely normal family who are now close friends.

I had a friend like this, we had kids similar age. Her house was absolutely rank, half eaten biscuits on the furniture and the floor, been there weeks. Kitchen was foul, piles of mouldy teabags on the draining board. Once I was there with my son who was about 12 months old, she tried to press us to stay for lunch, she admitted that the pan of stew in the kitchen had been at there for 3 days, when I looked in the pan it was actually frothing with bacteria 🤮 i finally got rid of her when she sent me a snotty message because I hadn't sent a birthday card for her kid. She never spoke to me again . That was 20 odd years ago 😬

It happens, some people live like that, they grew up in similar environments and never learnt to expect or try any better.

I once went to a 6yo kid's b'day party with my eldest son. The house was fine, but there was no party as such. The mum just chucked all the kids in the back garden to play on the trikes and trampoline, then pointed all the adults to help themselves to a large folding table covered in cans of beer. I took one to be polite. There were no party games and the kids were given packs of crisps to eat whilst they played. It was fine, but I did feel a bit sad for what that kid was missing out on.

Lack of activities is fine, I wouldn’t however expect one of the adults to just be ignoring the children. Toy mess fine and normal, dirt however no, that isn’t something I would like so I would make sure playdates were at our house. The only positive about having a child with allergies is that you can sometimes use it as an excuse to always be the host.

I’d probably run the hoover rounds if I knew you were coming. But activities on a play date? Nah I haven’t got time for that. They have toys. Play with them

I used to go to my friends before I had children. There was always food everywhere and muck and this overwhelming smell of rotten milk.
She is one of those people who don’t care, she would be sat knitting. Her children are grown and her house is still a total mess. She grew up in a very tidy house.

Different people have different standards. Your standards are higher than hers. I'd find that uncomfortable, too, so would either host at my place or arrange playdates at public places like a local park.

The kind of person who doesn't bother cleaning at all for a playdate is never going to plan activities, so not at all surprising that she didn't. I don't see a problem with not having very specific activities planned, anyway, but allowing the kids to be so noisy that another child remarked upon it isn't great.

Dirt would be a problem for me but not lack of activities. My kids never did structured activities like games age 4. They just wanted to run around, play lego, make dens, play imaginary games. No need to insert the grownups and rules into that stuff, just let them be. They’re at school every day with rules and structure.

If it was really filthy, that's not great but otherwise I do think it's good for children to understand that people live differently, with different standards or due to different finances. Obviously not great if there are actual health risks but sometimes it's good to experience different set ups and children should start to learn to navigate these situations.

I wouldn't generally put the TV on during a play date but I also wouldn't plan any activities. Children need to learn out how to entertain themselves and use their imagination. My friends son cannot play by himself (or really with friends) as he is so used to an adult organising activities or games non-stop and it's done him no favours.

I've had a similar experience. I'm very clean and tidy and quite strict with how my child plays - no jumping on furniture, teaching him to respect our nice things etc.
Had a playdate last year with his first friend from pre school. The mum brought her 18 month old without telling me (I didn't even know she had one). Both kids in dirty clothes, snot running freely (18 month old's ended up on our sofa, mum made no attempt to clean it off), lunch was eaten, no cleaning of hands or faces. Lots of crying and tantrums from 18 month old.

I was honestly a bit shocked. She is nice and well put together but her lack of respect for someone else's home was a shock. My 4 year old was also asking why they didn't wipe hands and made such a mess!

So she just sat on her phone

Most houses my kids had play dates were pretty tidy. Nothing like what you describe, though the kids were pretty much left to entertain themselves with some supervision but no direction (isn’t that the point of play dates? They don’t need much of a plan). But dirty enough that your child noticed - yuck.

Gosh I’m probably like that. Oh shame on me! I do tidy up beforehand but it gets messy pretty quickly in the kids’ areas (the playroom, kids bedrooms and the loft) once the playdates starts. Some people come back gor the playdates, others do not.

Crumbs and sticky floor and unwiped table actually does sound pretty normal over the course of a day with children to me tbh. It's totally up to you but maybe worth another go in case it was just a case of their cleaning getting beyond them.

As for entertainment, while when my daughter had playdates when she was younger I did tend to have a couple of things to give them structure if needed, for the most part I just let them figure it out for themselves. It was a nice moment when she was younger when two of her friends in the space of about two weeks said they liked coming to our house. Most of her experiences at friends houses are pretty similar with a couple of exceptions - one mum until very recently was much more structured and very involved in keeping them entertained. I definitely went with and still go with the 'go nuts' vibe.

My house is minging 90% of the time but when people come for play dates I pretend I’m normal and tidy. I find it mad that people don’t realise that their house is dirty/a mess as I’m fully aware when mine is. Or I guess they know and don’t care but that’s also wild to me

Cannot believe anyone thinks this is normal.

My advice is back off because if she let's her kids climb on her sofas and wipe their noses on it then they will expect to do it at your house too.