Playdate hell - am I being OTT?

[GrumpyOldWoman2]

Had a playdate today with school mum and I’m still a bit ??? about it.
House was a mess. Not “oh kids live here” but actual dirt. Crumbs everywhere, sticky floor, random half-eaten food just… out. The kids were running round screaming while the mum sat on her phone saying “they’re fine”. Are they though?
Mine (4) kept coming over to me because it was so loud and she didn’t know what to do. No activities, no plan, just turn the TV on and let them go feral. They were eating crisps straight off the table. One kid wiped his nose on the sofa. I wish I was joking.
I know I’ll get “lower your standards” but surely basic hygiene isn’t too much to ask? I’m not expecting museum-level cleanliness but maybe wipe the table before inviting people over?
Also I got the vibe I was being uptight because I didn’t want DD climbing on the back of the sofa or eating food she’d dropped on the floor. Is that really so weird now?
Left early and DD asked why it was “so noisy and dirty”. I didn’t really know what to say.
AIBU to just… not do playdates like that again? Or is this just normal and I need to get over myself?

We’ve had impromptu play dates sprung on us while the house is a mess - usually I’d chat to the other parent whilst tidying. Or if it’s a drop and go play date, spend the time tidying and cleaning while the kids play.

For me the weird thing is the mum sitting on her phone surrounded by mess.

theres clean dirt and dirty dirt . Clean dirt is leaves from today that have been dragged in on pushchair wheels and blown in from the back door where kids have been running in and out, sand because they’ve been in the sand pit and running in and out, abandoned toast crusts and biscuits and half eaten apples, disregarded leaking juice cups and lolly sticks, a pile of washing up from today. Then there’s dirty dirt which is encrusted shit stained toilets , floor that you think probably had a pattern and a colour at some point , cooker and work tops that have layers upon layers of sticky dusty crap on them, taps that you can’t touch because wiping your hands on your jeans would be practically aseptic in comparison . You can tell the difference.

Op, you know the difference between temporary dirt ( cut her some slack) and regular filth , if it’s the latter don't blame you at all, have her friend round yours from now on.
activity wise I would probably have had a few options ( play doh, painting,crafts) but would have expected them to just play on there own tbf.
when my kids were little I always felt I had to take care of their friends /other peoples kids ‘better ‘ than I would my own iykwim,so if I took my dds friend out with us for the day I wouldn’t let them wander as far as i would usually or go out of my sight etc basically more supervision not less when your responsible for somebody else’s child. You’re not comfortable for a reason, don’t let your dd round there alone.

My 6yo once refused to use the toilet at his friend’s house first time we went for a play date because the toilet and sink were both filthy. That was a bit tricky.

Yeah I mean it’s the minimum isn’t it! Keep the fucking toilet and sink clean , it’s literally underneath a tap ffs it takes seconds . If someone’s coming round , check the toilet.👩‍⚖️ such a bare minimum standard that your 6 yr old recognised it .

I can actually think of worse; I never let my dc jump on sofas etc and when at someone else' s home I'm even stricter with them out of respect for the other person's home. Had a playdate with a school mum at her place with her girls and my boys. She was very strict about what games they could play, hid away some because they were too precious etc. Told my boys to not drag their feet when walking etc. Very strict. So when she came to ours I didn't expect anything else only that it was like another person! One girl jumping on the sofa- my ds telling her it was forbidden- mum didn't say anything. Girls taking food to dc room- I told them that we eat in the dining room- again I first waited for mum to intervene but she didn't. Girls running around-fine for me. Mum went into ds room, looked around and asked for playmobiles. She didn't want my sons playing with her girls playmobiles but thought it fine for her girls to play with ours. My ds share so no problem- I just told them to be careful with the castle. Hear jumping around in the room and ds screaming- one girl wanted to jump from ds bed into the castle, a bit already failen off. I looked at mum who reluctantly told her dd to not jump on the playmobil.

Needless to say I took it away and told them that they could only play with toys that won't brake. Never had them over again. The fact that the mum was so worried about her house and then didn't care at all about mine was so rude. I would prefer it if she was sloppy at hers because atleast it would be logic if she was the same- and I could just have made it my business to intervene.

No you aren’t being OTT. This sounds awful. And you had a newborn with you @GrumpyOldWoman2 … I’d have left within 10 mins

I’d also be concerned about the children that had to live there

I feel a bit like this. DS's best friend's flat with 4 kids in it was a horror show - weird smell like wax crayons which I think was unwashed carpets and floors, squelchy underlay where the floorboards had got wet and spongy, broken toilet and sink, literal 6ft high pile of stuff on the only table. They have moved now into a bigger place which is much better. I only stayed once but always felt uneasy dropping him off after - he was desperate to go though!

Dirt isn't good but the rest I couldn't get excited about. I've never planned activities for a play date. People have different lifestyles does she have more kids? My son finds playdates with anyone with siblings noisy as he is only child

That is unusual. Most play dates aren’t like that. People usually clean up a bit and suggest some games/activities to start with. It might descend into chaos at the end!