Should I break up with him? am I lucky he wants to be with me at all? Disabled and he won't propose.

[Ebee19]

Today two of my closest friends sat me (32F) down and told me that I am in an abusive relationship and begged me to break up with my long term boyfriend (33M). It isn't the first time. But I don't know what to do. The situation has completely broken me and made me suicidal. I have zero hope for the future. I have zero confidence in myself. I just wonder why I am not good enough.

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen. I worked my socks off and sacrificed all the fun of my teenage years to get to that point. I was confident with high standards in what I wanted from a man as well. I fell suddenly very unwell and my health continued decline. I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio. My immune system is messed up. I have zero energy. I am losing my eyesight. My connective tissues are breaking down so I am in extreme pain and injure whenever I do anything. I have problems with my bladder, bowel and allergies. I have a medical emergency frequently. It is probably all triggered by catching 7 of the world's worst infections but I am the only person to have done this so there is nothing they can do to help. So basically, I am in no way a catch. I have put on over 40% of my body weight and the doctors can't figure out why. I have no energy to be the outgoing person I used to be. I am beyond drained physically and emotionally. I have no way to make money but have just too many savings to get benefits, bar PIP. I do everything I can to increase my health span, I do all my physio and I use pain management techniques. I attend every hospital appointment offered. My Mum is my carer and I am very reliant on her.

I met my boyfriend 7 years ago on tinder. I had a long-term relationship before that but he broke up with me because of the impact my health had on our lives. I met my boyfriend soon after. He was very caring at the start, but this slowly changed to semi-caring, semi frustrated. But he does take over my care at the weekend and he has always agreed to help with my wheelchair. Just before lockdown in 2020, he cheated and became violent at a party. I was shocked as didn't know this side of him. I should have walked away then, but then suddenly we were in lockdown. I was shielding and he was on base as military. He was the only thing that kept me sane really. He drove down and sat by the window, he video chatted every day, he sent me treats. We continued that for two years. With some 2m apart dates whenever allowed. Then after lockdown, I had a miscarriage (he told me this didn't affect him as wasn't real and he was worried about only me, and it was basically a me problem) and I ended up having an injury (caused by him but accidentally) which meant I was hospitalised for two months. I came out and he was there. I worked tooth and nail to learn to walk, dress, wash, drive, use the toilet and survive. I still need help for drives over 20 mins and cooking, but it has taken every part of me to get to where I am now 2 years on. All my doctors are proud of me and say I have managed far beyond what they dreamed. He is brilliant 95% of the time, but has been violent 2-3 times, including days after I left hospital. He had therapy after the last time and hasn't lost his temper with me since.

My issue is I want to get married. I was very clear on this from the very beginning. It has been my dream to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I need to do this when my Mum is young enough to help me (her offer) - time is running out for her (she is 72) and for me (being able to carry them safely). Having kids will cause a further decline in my health, but I am willing to make this sacrifice and it is the only thing that matters to me now. It is the reason I torture myself in physio to make this possible. I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know. So I know it is possible, when there is enough support available. When we got together, he said he would propose after a year. At a year, he asked for another year as his work had been very tough. That took us into Covid then hospital. The thing is the last three years, I just don't know what I can do to make him love me enough. He won't propose, he won't buy a house so won't live with me (he comes up every weekend). I have tried asking, I have tried honest discussions, I have asked him to break up with me if he doesn't want to marry me (he insists he does and I am his soulmate), I have tried to proposing to him (he said he has to be the one to do it), I have explained the delay is making me lose confidence in myself and the time constraints on us having help and my health, and I have tried not talking about it at all to take the pressure off. Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you". My parents and his parents asked three years ago and he insisted he was proposing soon. He told me he would propose in June and I know he planned something. But it was the day before my uncle's funeral and my Mum begged him to delay it a month as it was sudden and very horrible circumstances, our family was in bits and my Dad was broken by it both mentally and health wise (I was up multiple times in the night to help my Dad make it through the night). He said he didn't call it off due to my uncle's funeral as he decided I should 'keep living' but because it was raining. It was probably the closest I've come to walking away as I found the fact he couldn't understand why the timing was wrong was horrendous. He apologised a week later and said he didn't realise how badly the family was affected. Everyone we knew who found out his plans have said they were very troubled by his lack of empathy - his friends especially. But he now has not proposed in another 6 months or the seven years before.

I think I am a good girlfriend. I talk to him every day. I am always nice and kind. I have made an effort with his family, friends and colleagues. All of whom talk to me regularly. I plan amazing weekends for us every week, give him meals and a nice house to come to. I have developed new interests in keeping with what he enjoys - watching F1/Marvel/rugby (he has started some of my hobbies too). I buy him little surprises. I plan him amazing birthdays and parties every year. We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him. I really don't know what I can do more and my family/friends tell me it really isn't me, but I just feel like there is something about me. But then I don't understand why he won't just walk away if he doesn't want me.

I have no idea how to walk away. I love him. He is my best friend. I want us to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We have good fun, he makes me laugh, he finishes my sentences. We have the same dream for our future. I really don't want to walk away, but I am also desperate to have a family while I still can. I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future. I have no way to have children on my own. Both him and my Mum tell me I am fat and have lost my looks (I agree). Frankly, I don't think a single person would fall in love with me anymore. I have zero to attract someone. My friends keep saying I am wrong and who I am as a person would attract someone, despite the health and career. But they also keep apologising to me, treat me like I am going to die and tell me it's heartbreaking when they think who I used to be, so I don't think I am giving them the best impression either ha! But watching friends, all the ones who own their house (with huge deposits from parents) and the ones with glittering careers, are the ones who got engaged the quickest. The only people I know who have managed to get married with health conditions, had very wealthy parents who pretty much paid allowances to their husbands or gave deposits. My parents aren't able to afford to do either of these. So I just don't think I would find someone else. But I also don't want anyone else, I want him. But I also don't understand if he loves me (he tells me multiple times a day and tells me he often can't stop smiling when he thinks about me), why he would want to cause me this much anguish and pain, why he would want to destroy my confidence and leave me in tears by not wanting to move forward? All my friends said if he loved me he would propose. His whole family, cousins, siblings, friends have all told him not to mess this up and propose as if he loses me he will never forgive himself.

Mumsnet, what do I do? Am I the problem? Just too ugly or not doing enough? And please, don't be too harsh as I am on the absolute brink of just giving up on all of it at this point.

I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future.

Given this it’s totally impractical to have children. What if something happens to your mum, already in her 70’s, then you would be totally reliant on your partner to care for both you and the children, that’s a LOT for any partner to agree to. Sometimes people have accidents and are left disabled and then everyone has to just deal with the fallout but to proactively bring kids into a situation where you are completely reliant on others for care yourself is madness.

Separately, this guy is not a winner. You shouldn’t put up with him, get rid and you will be happier and lighter for it.

This reads very oddly.

This

listen to your friends

You need to come off all meds and start microdosing on magic mushrooms. Seriously.

No kidding.

I agree. Your mother is already your carer, and you intend to bear children whom she’ll surely have to raise with no help from you? Nah.

Your letter is very distressing, and I’ve great sympathy, but the fact of the matter is, as always,‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’.
You cannot look after yourself, nor do you support yourself with work.
Those things need to change, and you need to regain some independence; it goes without saying that you also need your head examined for pleading, repeatedly, for a marriage proposal, never mind from a man who has a very violent streak and who has made it very clear, through his actions, that this is not what he wants.

You have life goals which are set in concrete and tied to a timetable, and this has become a wall over which you can’t see, nevertheless beyond it lie many other routes to personal fulfilment.
These goals are unrealistic considering your status quo, so you must shake some action in order that other possibilities can reveal themselves.

[Going to stick my neck out here and stab at a theory, with no experience to back it up, but: when you were enumerating your qualifications and talents, your being a beauty queen stuck out like a sore thumb.
Odd thing to mention, I thought, when talking of ‘élite degrees’ and what all. Then as you caught up to the present day and spoke about your friends who are doing well, you seem to sneer at any achievement or material success, as though nothing they have was earned through toil or study.
The beauty queen thing came back into focus then, because surely that is an industry where inequality, or unmerited adulation, is rather the point!

So (finally getting to the point!) I wondered about that thing we all can do, resenting this or that which somebody does despite it being a very pronounced characteristic of our own.
Are you accusing friends of getting an easy ride through life now because at one point that was you as well, buoyed up by recognition and rewards merely for fitting general beauty standards (thanks to the genetic lottery)? ]

That could fill your head with lots of bothersome anger, and all that stress could very well be contributing to your condition.
Seriously, longterm mental health tangles get absorbed by your nerves and muscles over the years, and you can wake up after (say) six years of feeling bloody grim in your head and suddenly you are really bloody ill, organically. Fibromyalgia is easily acquired in this manner, I can tell ya.

Anyroad. Long lecture and I apologise.
But please, endeavour to get out from under all this. You describe a life on the wrong path, in the wrong lane, and peopled by those you’d do well to avoid.
You could get well again, get your old self back, and you could even get close to achieving those old goals, if you were away from all this stuff you wrote about.

I hope you’ll see an improvement in your life in the new year, anyway.
It all sounds so dispiriting now, but do try to believe that your story isn’t over yet, not by a long shot!

Sorry OP but this is appalling reading, please dont bring kids into it.

Why do people quote the entire OP when they reply 🙄

Surely one of the ‘hundreds of doctors’ she’s seen, surely one of them has thought of that?

It’s because it’s completely made up…

OP I'm chronically ill and cannot work and usually I'm in the camp of "you can still be ill and have children" dependent on circumstances ofc and I, myself, am a single mother to a 7yo. I actually have no help or support, and I mean 0. But even I don't think you can bring children into this situation. I live independently and receive PIP etc but I do not rely on anyone else to provide care for me. I also agree you need an assessment from social services and/ or the council as even with the best will (and it doesn't sound like your mother is all too great either tbh - I know as my own mother is abusive) she shouldn't be caring for you at your and her age.

Look up mast cell activation syndrome and ehlers danlos symptoms.

Covid and Lyme's disease

That is not a man that should be responsible for raising children. There's a very high chance they'd learn to treat you as badly as he does.

No where near the worlds worst infections.

If this is genuine, please end it. I didn't need to read anymore after i got to the part where you said he was violent to you.
I guarantee you will be happier and feel a whole lot better after you have got rid of that piece of shit.
It wouldnt hurt to get rid of your mother by the sounds of it either, she told you you were fat and ugly? wtf!
It sounds like your friends are the ones to stick with here.

In fact is your mother perpetuating this illness?
munchausen's? makes me think of Gypsy Rose

She said she cannot cook. She said he comes home to his favourite meals not that she necessarily cooked them.

I agree. Lots of luck to you op xxxx

I'm unsure but that's what OP said she had.

Break up with him.
Do not have DC with him.

So basically, I am in no way a catch.

Your self esteem is rock bottom which makes you very vulnerable for an abusive relationship. Please listen to your friends and reach out to as many charities as possible to try and find ways to support yourself going forward.

Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you".

Get him in the bin along with everyone in camp no 2!

Can you pay to have your eggs frozen to buy yourself more time?

on the off chance this is real, you need to put the thought of having kids out of your head, it would be monumentally selfish. Ditch the boyfriend and try to get yourself into an independent care facility and away from relying on your mother too

I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know.

You have been dealt a seriously raw health deal indeed OP and that’s why I’m so sorry to say that my view is that the above sentence from you is no reason, in your poor circumstances, to persuade yourself that you will be able to manage to bring up a child adequately. I know that’s not what you wish to hear at all and I wish I could somehow comfort you rather than bring your mood down even lower.

Two loving parents, in a very solid relationship with reliable skills, need every bit of luck, good health and finance they can manage between them to get through the babyhood stage, the early years and teen years of parenting. It’s very very tough indeed.

You can not rely on your part time, live out, abusive boy friend to help you bring up a child (or even to get through pregnancy ) He clearly doesn’t want more than weekend commitment. He shouldn’t be inflicted on any child as a father if you don’t 100% trust him to always do right by you in the circumstances you now find yourself in.

You can not rely on your mum either. She is too busy wearing herself out to help you get better after each medical emergency. She can’t look after you as well as a new baby. It’s simply impossible, and far from acceptable as a strategy. What if she too becomes ill or infirm?

To think of bringing a child into the world, all circumstances have to be as perfect as possible…very much better than your own at present.

I think that the best objective would be to shelve your baby plan for now and aim to get to the health stage where you are much more self-reliant, with the minimum of practical support from your mum. Do you feel there is improvement to be made at all OP? I feel you are used to pushing through, but maybe you feel you have reached your optimum health for now. So also aim to widen your support group of people so that you don’t become over-reliant on your mum. Maybe see how much better you can be in a year’s time ?

And yes, aim to let the weekend support boy friend go too OP.
Listen to your friends on that issue. They know what affects your moods better than we do here. And even though you describe the good bits along the years I think you know he is far from ideal.
Abuse should never be tolerated.

I know it’s hard to open yourself up to change, but I honestly think it could help you if you did. Wishing you nothing but the best OP. I’m sorry it’s so tough for you.