Today two of my closest friends sat me (32F) down and told me that I am in an abusive relationship and begged me to break up with my long term boyfriend (33M). It isn't the first time. But I don't know what to do. The situation has completely broken me and made me suicidal. I have zero hope for the future. I have zero confidence in myself. I just wonder why I am not good enough.
I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen. I worked my socks off and sacrificed all the fun of my teenage years to get to that point. I was confident with high standards in what I wanted from a man as well. I fell suddenly very unwell and my health continued decline. I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio. My immune system is messed up. I have zero energy. I am losing my eyesight. My connective tissues are breaking down so I am in extreme pain and injure whenever I do anything. I have problems with my bladder, bowel and allergies. I have a medical emergency frequently. It is probably all triggered by catching 7 of the world's worst infections but I am the only person to have done this so there is nothing they can do to help. So basically, I am in no way a catch. I have put on over 40% of my body weight and the doctors can't figure out why. I have no energy to be the outgoing person I used to be. I am beyond drained physically and emotionally. I have no way to make money but have just too many savings to get benefits, bar PIP. I do everything I can to increase my health span, I do all my physio and I use pain management techniques. I attend every hospital appointment offered. My Mum is my carer and I am very reliant on her.
I met my boyfriend 7 years ago on tinder. I had a long-term relationship before that but he broke up with me because of the impact my health had on our lives. I met my boyfriend soon after. He was very caring at the start, but this slowly changed to semi-caring, semi frustrated. But he does take over my care at the weekend and he has always agreed to help with my wheelchair. Just before lockdown in 2020, he cheated and became violent at a party. I was shocked as didn't know this side of him. I should have walked away then, but then suddenly we were in lockdown. I was shielding and he was on base as military. He was the only thing that kept me sane really. He drove down and sat by the window, he video chatted every day, he sent me treats. We continued that for two years. With some 2m apart dates whenever allowed. Then after lockdown, I had a miscarriage (he told me this didn't affect him as wasn't real and he was worried about only me, and it was basically a me problem) and I ended up having an injury (caused by him but accidentally) which meant I was hospitalised for two months. I came out and he was there. I worked tooth and nail to learn to walk, dress, wash, drive, use the toilet and survive. I still need help for drives over 20 mins and cooking, but it has taken every part of me to get to where I am now 2 years on. All my doctors are proud of me and say I have managed far beyond what they dreamed. He is brilliant 95% of the time, but has been violent 2-3 times, including days after I left hospital. He had therapy after the last time and hasn't lost his temper with me since.
My issue is I want to get married. I was very clear on this from the very beginning. It has been my dream to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I need to do this when my Mum is young enough to help me (her offer) - time is running out for her (she is 72) and for me (being able to carry them safely). Having kids will cause a further decline in my health, but I am willing to make this sacrifice and it is the only thing that matters to me now. It is the reason I torture myself in physio to make this possible. I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know. So I know it is possible, when there is enough support available. When we got together, he said he would propose after a year. At a year, he asked for another year as his work had been very tough. That took us into Covid then hospital. The thing is the last three years, I just don't know what I can do to make him love me enough. He won't propose, he won't buy a house so won't live with me (he comes up every weekend). I have tried asking, I have tried honest discussions, I have asked him to break up with me if he doesn't want to marry me (he insists he does and I am his soulmate), I have tried to proposing to him (he said he has to be the one to do it), I have explained the delay is making me lose confidence in myself and the time constraints on us having help and my health, and I have tried not talking about it at all to take the pressure off. Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you". My parents and his parents asked three years ago and he insisted he was proposing soon. He told me he would propose in June and I know he planned something. But it was the day before my uncle's funeral and my Mum begged him to delay it a month as it was sudden and very horrible circumstances, our family was in bits and my Dad was broken by it both mentally and health wise (I was up multiple times in the night to help my Dad make it through the night). He said he didn't call it off due to my uncle's funeral as he decided I should 'keep living' but because it was raining. It was probably the closest I've come to walking away as I found the fact he couldn't understand why the timing was wrong was horrendous. He apologised a week later and said he didn't realise how badly the family was affected. Everyone we knew who found out his plans have said they were very troubled by his lack of empathy - his friends especially. But he now has not proposed in another 6 months or the seven years before.
I think I am a good girlfriend. I talk to him every day. I am always nice and kind. I have made an effort with his family, friends and colleagues. All of whom talk to me regularly. I plan amazing weekends for us every week, give him meals and a nice house to come to. I have developed new interests in keeping with what he enjoys - watching F1/Marvel/rugby (he has started some of my hobbies too). I buy him little surprises. I plan him amazing birthdays and parties every year. We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him. I really don't know what I can do more and my family/friends tell me it really isn't me, but I just feel like there is something about me. But then I don't understand why he won't just walk away if he doesn't want me.
I have no idea how to walk away. I love him. He is my best friend. I want us to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We have good fun, he makes me laugh, he finishes my sentences. We have the same dream for our future. I really don't want to walk away, but I am also desperate to have a family while I still can. I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future. I have no way to have children on my own. Both him and my Mum tell me I am fat and have lost my looks (I agree). Frankly, I don't think a single person would fall in love with me anymore. I have zero to attract someone. My friends keep saying I am wrong and who I am as a person would attract someone, despite the health and career. But they also keep apologising to me, treat me like I am going to die and tell me it's heartbreaking when they think who I used to be, so I don't think I am giving them the best impression either ha! But watching friends, all the ones who own their house (with huge deposits from parents) and the ones with glittering careers, are the ones who got engaged the quickest. The only people I know who have managed to get married with health conditions, had very wealthy parents who pretty much paid allowances to their husbands or gave deposits. My parents aren't able to afford to do either of these. So I just don't think I would find someone else. But I also don't want anyone else, I want him. But I also don't understand if he loves me (he tells me multiple times a day and tells me he often can't stop smiling when he thinks about me), why he would want to cause me this much anguish and pain, why he would want to destroy my confidence and leave me in tears by not wanting to move forward? All my friends said if he loved me he would propose. His whole family, cousins, siblings, friends have all told him not to mess this up and propose as if he loses me he will never forgive himself.
Mumsnet, what do I do? Am I the problem? Just too ugly or not doing enough? And please, don't be too harsh as I am on the absolute brink of just giving up on all of it at this point.