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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I break up with him? am I lucky he wants to be with me at all? Disabled and he won't propose.

192 replies

Ebee19 · 12/12/2025 18:22

Today two of my closest friends sat me (32F) down and told me that I am in an abusive relationship and begged me to break up with my long term boyfriend (33M). It isn't the first time. But I don't know what to do. The situation has completely broken me and made me suicidal. I have zero hope for the future. I have zero confidence in myself. I just wonder why I am not good enough.

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen. I worked my socks off and sacrificed all the fun of my teenage years to get to that point. I was confident with high standards in what I wanted from a man as well. I fell suddenly very unwell and my health continued decline. I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio. My immune system is messed up. I have zero energy. I am losing my eyesight. My connective tissues are breaking down so I am in extreme pain and injure whenever I do anything. I have problems with my bladder, bowel and allergies. I have a medical emergency frequently. It is probably all triggered by catching 7 of the world's worst infections but I am the only person to have done this so there is nothing they can do to help. So basically, I am in no way a catch. I have put on over 40% of my body weight and the doctors can't figure out why. I have no energy to be the outgoing person I used to be. I am beyond drained physically and emotionally. I have no way to make money but have just too many savings to get benefits, bar PIP. I do everything I can to increase my health span, I do all my physio and I use pain management techniques. I attend every hospital appointment offered. My Mum is my carer and I am very reliant on her.

I met my boyfriend 7 years ago on tinder. I had a long-term relationship before that but he broke up with me because of the impact my health had on our lives. I met my boyfriend soon after. He was very caring at the start, but this slowly changed to semi-caring, semi frustrated. But he does take over my care at the weekend and he has always agreed to help with my wheelchair. Just before lockdown in 2020, he cheated and became violent at a party. I was shocked as didn't know this side of him. I should have walked away then, but then suddenly we were in lockdown. I was shielding and he was on base as military. He was the only thing that kept me sane really. He drove down and sat by the window, he video chatted every day, he sent me treats. We continued that for two years. With some 2m apart dates whenever allowed. Then after lockdown, I had a miscarriage (he told me this didn't affect him as wasn't real and he was worried about only me, and it was basically a me problem) and I ended up having an injury (caused by him but accidentally) which meant I was hospitalised for two months. I came out and he was there. I worked tooth and nail to learn to walk, dress, wash, drive, use the toilet and survive. I still need help for drives over 20 mins and cooking, but it has taken every part of me to get to where I am now 2 years on. All my doctors are proud of me and say I have managed far beyond what they dreamed. He is brilliant 95% of the time, but has been violent 2-3 times, including days after I left hospital. He had therapy after the last time and hasn't lost his temper with me since.

My issue is I want to get married. I was very clear on this from the very beginning. It has been my dream to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I need to do this when my Mum is young enough to help me (her offer) - time is running out for her (she is 72) and for me (being able to carry them safely). Having kids will cause a further decline in my health, but I am willing to make this sacrifice and it is the only thing that matters to me now. It is the reason I torture myself in physio to make this possible. I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know. So I know it is possible, when there is enough support available. When we got together, he said he would propose after a year. At a year, he asked for another year as his work had been very tough. That took us into Covid then hospital. The thing is the last three years, I just don't know what I can do to make him love me enough. He won't propose, he won't buy a house so won't live with me (he comes up every weekend). I have tried asking, I have tried honest discussions, I have asked him to break up with me if he doesn't want to marry me (he insists he does and I am his soulmate), I have tried to proposing to him (he said he has to be the one to do it), I have explained the delay is making me lose confidence in myself and the time constraints on us having help and my health, and I have tried not talking about it at all to take the pressure off. Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you". My parents and his parents asked three years ago and he insisted he was proposing soon. He told me he would propose in June and I know he planned something. But it was the day before my uncle's funeral and my Mum begged him to delay it a month as it was sudden and very horrible circumstances, our family was in bits and my Dad was broken by it both mentally and health wise (I was up multiple times in the night to help my Dad make it through the night). He said he didn't call it off due to my uncle's funeral as he decided I should 'keep living' but because it was raining. It was probably the closest I've come to walking away as I found the fact he couldn't understand why the timing was wrong was horrendous. He apologised a week later and said he didn't realise how badly the family was affected. Everyone we knew who found out his plans have said they were very troubled by his lack of empathy - his friends especially. But he now has not proposed in another 6 months or the seven years before.

I think I am a good girlfriend. I talk to him every day. I am always nice and kind. I have made an effort with his family, friends and colleagues. All of whom talk to me regularly. I plan amazing weekends for us every week, give him meals and a nice house to come to. I have developed new interests in keeping with what he enjoys - watching F1/Marvel/rugby (he has started some of my hobbies too). I buy him little surprises. I plan him amazing birthdays and parties every year. We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him. I really don't know what I can do more and my family/friends tell me it really isn't me, but I just feel like there is something about me. But then I don't understand why he won't just walk away if he doesn't want me.

I have no idea how to walk away. I love him. He is my best friend. I want us to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We have good fun, he makes me laugh, he finishes my sentences. We have the same dream for our future. I really don't want to walk away, but I am also desperate to have a family while I still can. I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future. I have no way to have children on my own. Both him and my Mum tell me I am fat and have lost my looks (I agree). Frankly, I don't think a single person would fall in love with me anymore. I have zero to attract someone. My friends keep saying I am wrong and who I am as a person would attract someone, despite the health and career. But they also keep apologising to me, treat me like I am going to die and tell me it's heartbreaking when they think who I used to be, so I don't think I am giving them the best impression either ha! But watching friends, all the ones who own their house (with huge deposits from parents) and the ones with glittering careers, are the ones who got engaged the quickest. The only people I know who have managed to get married with health conditions, had very wealthy parents who pretty much paid allowances to their husbands or gave deposits. My parents aren't able to afford to do either of these. So I just don't think I would find someone else. But I also don't want anyone else, I want him. But I also don't understand if he loves me (he tells me multiple times a day and tells me he often can't stop smiling when he thinks about me), why he would want to cause me this much anguish and pain, why he would want to destroy my confidence and leave me in tears by not wanting to move forward? All my friends said if he loved me he would propose. His whole family, cousins, siblings, friends have all told him not to mess this up and propose as if he loses me he will never forgive himself.

Mumsnet, what do I do? Am I the problem? Just too ugly or not doing enough? And please, don't be too harsh as I am on the absolute brink of just giving up on all of it at this point.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 12/12/2025 23:27

To bring a baby into this would be incredibly selfish and unfair

you need to walk away

BeeHive909 · 12/12/2025 23:30

I’m not sure if you’ve made this post and edited it so people feel sorry for you but some of it is made up sorry, I get that you want a family and children but unless you get better you can’t. Do you have money for careers? Your mum and partner both look after you they can’t look after a baby too and frankly it’s selfish to want them too. Your boyfriend is abusive has put you in hospital numerous times. As someone with multiple health conditions when the right person comes he will accept you conditions and all. He will never ever marry you or have children with you and I think hand on heart you know it. Please use some of your savings and seek therapy you definitely need.

blueumbrella2016 · 12/12/2025 23:31

1 year tops waiting for a proposal. Or end it. 1 year is enough.

stiffstink · 12/12/2025 23:41

"We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him."

This sounds like you dont have any choices in relation to sex. Do you have any say at all? Does he want to have a child with you or does he just want to have sex?

Your family is saying it isn’t you because really it isn't you - you've romanticised it but to others looking in, he sounds dangerous and predatory.

Sohelpmegod25 · 12/12/2025 23:46

Why on earth do you want to get married to an abusive man and have a baby with him!

there’s another thread on here with someone saying about a drunk husband grabbing her baby and nearly dropping it too

what is wrong with people??? Seriously this sounds like a ridiculous idea!

DeftWasp · 12/12/2025 23:52

Ebee19 · 12/12/2025 18:22

Today two of my closest friends sat me (32F) down and told me that I am in an abusive relationship and begged me to break up with my long term boyfriend (33M). It isn't the first time. But I don't know what to do. The situation has completely broken me and made me suicidal. I have zero hope for the future. I have zero confidence in myself. I just wonder why I am not good enough.

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen. I worked my socks off and sacrificed all the fun of my teenage years to get to that point. I was confident with high standards in what I wanted from a man as well. I fell suddenly very unwell and my health continued decline. I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio. My immune system is messed up. I have zero energy. I am losing my eyesight. My connective tissues are breaking down so I am in extreme pain and injure whenever I do anything. I have problems with my bladder, bowel and allergies. I have a medical emergency frequently. It is probably all triggered by catching 7 of the world's worst infections but I am the only person to have done this so there is nothing they can do to help. So basically, I am in no way a catch. I have put on over 40% of my body weight and the doctors can't figure out why. I have no energy to be the outgoing person I used to be. I am beyond drained physically and emotionally. I have no way to make money but have just too many savings to get benefits, bar PIP. I do everything I can to increase my health span, I do all my physio and I use pain management techniques. I attend every hospital appointment offered. My Mum is my carer and I am very reliant on her.

I met my boyfriend 7 years ago on tinder. I had a long-term relationship before that but he broke up with me because of the impact my health had on our lives. I met my boyfriend soon after. He was very caring at the start, but this slowly changed to semi-caring, semi frustrated. But he does take over my care at the weekend and he has always agreed to help with my wheelchair. Just before lockdown in 2020, he cheated and became violent at a party. I was shocked as didn't know this side of him. I should have walked away then, but then suddenly we were in lockdown. I was shielding and he was on base as military. He was the only thing that kept me sane really. He drove down and sat by the window, he video chatted every day, he sent me treats. We continued that for two years. With some 2m apart dates whenever allowed. Then after lockdown, I had a miscarriage (he told me this didn't affect him as wasn't real and he was worried about only me, and it was basically a me problem) and I ended up having an injury (caused by him but accidentally) which meant I was hospitalised for two months. I came out and he was there. I worked tooth and nail to learn to walk, dress, wash, drive, use the toilet and survive. I still need help for drives over 20 mins and cooking, but it has taken every part of me to get to where I am now 2 years on. All my doctors are proud of me and say I have managed far beyond what they dreamed. He is brilliant 95% of the time, but has been violent 2-3 times, including days after I left hospital. He had therapy after the last time and hasn't lost his temper with me since.

My issue is I want to get married. I was very clear on this from the very beginning. It has been my dream to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I need to do this when my Mum is young enough to help me (her offer) - time is running out for her (she is 72) and for me (being able to carry them safely). Having kids will cause a further decline in my health, but I am willing to make this sacrifice and it is the only thing that matters to me now. It is the reason I torture myself in physio to make this possible. I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know. So I know it is possible, when there is enough support available. When we got together, he said he would propose after a year. At a year, he asked for another year as his work had been very tough. That took us into Covid then hospital. The thing is the last three years, I just don't know what I can do to make him love me enough. He won't propose, he won't buy a house so won't live with me (he comes up every weekend). I have tried asking, I have tried honest discussions, I have asked him to break up with me if he doesn't want to marry me (he insists he does and I am his soulmate), I have tried to proposing to him (he said he has to be the one to do it), I have explained the delay is making me lose confidence in myself and the time constraints on us having help and my health, and I have tried not talking about it at all to take the pressure off. Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you". My parents and his parents asked three years ago and he insisted he was proposing soon. He told me he would propose in June and I know he planned something. But it was the day before my uncle's funeral and my Mum begged him to delay it a month as it was sudden and very horrible circumstances, our family was in bits and my Dad was broken by it both mentally and health wise (I was up multiple times in the night to help my Dad make it through the night). He said he didn't call it off due to my uncle's funeral as he decided I should 'keep living' but because it was raining. It was probably the closest I've come to walking away as I found the fact he couldn't understand why the timing was wrong was horrendous. He apologised a week later and said he didn't realise how badly the family was affected. Everyone we knew who found out his plans have said they were very troubled by his lack of empathy - his friends especially. But he now has not proposed in another 6 months or the seven years before.

I think I am a good girlfriend. I talk to him every day. I am always nice and kind. I have made an effort with his family, friends and colleagues. All of whom talk to me regularly. I plan amazing weekends for us every week, give him meals and a nice house to come to. I have developed new interests in keeping with what he enjoys - watching F1/Marvel/rugby (he has started some of my hobbies too). I buy him little surprises. I plan him amazing birthdays and parties every year. We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him. I really don't know what I can do more and my family/friends tell me it really isn't me, but I just feel like there is something about me. But then I don't understand why he won't just walk away if he doesn't want me.

I have no idea how to walk away. I love him. He is my best friend. I want us to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We have good fun, he makes me laugh, he finishes my sentences. We have the same dream for our future. I really don't want to walk away, but I am also desperate to have a family while I still can. I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future. I have no way to have children on my own. Both him and my Mum tell me I am fat and have lost my looks (I agree). Frankly, I don't think a single person would fall in love with me anymore. I have zero to attract someone. My friends keep saying I am wrong and who I am as a person would attract someone, despite the health and career. But they also keep apologising to me, treat me like I am going to die and tell me it's heartbreaking when they think who I used to be, so I don't think I am giving them the best impression either ha! But watching friends, all the ones who own their house (with huge deposits from parents) and the ones with glittering careers, are the ones who got engaged the quickest. The only people I know who have managed to get married with health conditions, had very wealthy parents who pretty much paid allowances to their husbands or gave deposits. My parents aren't able to afford to do either of these. So I just don't think I would find someone else. But I also don't want anyone else, I want him. But I also don't understand if he loves me (he tells me multiple times a day and tells me he often can't stop smiling when he thinks about me), why he would want to cause me this much anguish and pain, why he would want to destroy my confidence and leave me in tears by not wanting to move forward? All my friends said if he loved me he would propose. His whole family, cousins, siblings, friends have all told him not to mess this up and propose as if he loses me he will never forgive himself.

Mumsnet, what do I do? Am I the problem? Just too ugly or not doing enough? And please, don't be too harsh as I am on the absolute brink of just giving up on all of it at this point.

Sorry, no advice on the relationship front, but have your medics considered Erlars Danlos Syndrome, symptoms are similar to what you describe.

duckfordinner · 12/12/2025 23:53

ShawnaMacallister · 12/12/2025 18:36

You can't have children with him, I'm so sorry but you can't. You are too ill and your mum is too old and your partner is abusive. That's not your path. If you were with a different man it might be different but you aren't. If you want to stay with this man that's your choice but you can't bring children into it.

100% this

BadLad · 12/12/2025 23:54

daisychain01 · 12/12/2025 21:30

I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio.

and the hundreds of doctors ...

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen

and getting 2 post grads and an investment bank offer all by the age of 22 years old....

I sense there's some delusion going on here.

Show quote history

That says the job offer was at the age of 22. It doesn’t say the two post graduate degrees were achieved by that age.

LiveToTell · 12/12/2025 23:56

I don’t think it’s fair to intentionally have a child knowing that it will likely become YOUR carer whilst still in childhood. That’s no life for a child. Please don’t do this.

I know life is unfair, but you have to think beyond what you want and start to consider the impact it will have on others.

But yes, get rid of the abusive boyfriend. Having no boyfriend is better than your current one.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2025 23:59

If two of your friends who know you think you are in an abusive relationship then you need to listen to them. Even if you did get married he isnt going to change into Mr Nice guy he will be the same as before. Pregnancy and looking after a baby is exhausting even for people in good health. You need to consider carefully if it would be wise to have a baby especially with this unsupportive partner.

blankcanvas3 · 13/12/2025 00:04

You had rabies? Your boyfriend hospitalised you for two months? You were a former beauty queen?? I don’t know if any of this is true but I do think you should leave your boyfriend. And also not have a baby since you are so sick.

Eyeshadow · 13/12/2025 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WestwardHo1 · 13/12/2025 00:15

Yes, you are ill 😔

AbbaCadaBra · 13/12/2025 00:32

Your friends really care about you. They think highly of you and will stand by and help you if/when you decide to leave him, which I really hope you will.

Shedeboodinia · 13/12/2025 00:33

Sorry to say he is wasting your time.
I have at least two friends who carried on in relationships like this only to be left high and dry in the end with no time left to find a new partner and have children.
Both were in good health, so not as reliant as you are on their partners but this still happened to them. It's not because of you, it's because some men are selfish and simply will not commit or admit that they won't.
Either carry on and regret this in the future and wonder why you wasted so much time. Or end it now and take the short term pain of the relationship ending now. But with a future stretching out ahead that you can shape.

Namechangerage · 13/12/2025 00:48

ShawnaMacallister · 12/12/2025 18:36

You can't have children with him, I'm so sorry but you can't. You are too ill and your mum is too old and your partner is abusive. That's not your path. If you were with a different man it might be different but you aren't. If you want to stay with this man that's your choice but you can't bring children into it.

This plus your mum sounds a horrid person too. Are you sure she’s not contributing to your illness too?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2025 00:54

you are good enough - good enough for your friends to risk your friendship to try and make you safe. you're good enough to not be in a relationship where he has got physical with you. you're good enough to be in a relationship where he doesn't fuck other people. you're good enough for your doctors and support people to recognise how incredibly hard you have worked to reclaim your life.

a man who is physically abusive isn't brilliant 95% of the time,, because that violence is always there beneath the surface.

a "loved one" who thinks you should be grateful someone loves you doesn't deserve your respect.

you shouldn't need to sacrifice yourself to be in a relationship. you are good enough, but not for the wrong man, and he's absolutely the wrong man.

you don't have the same dream for your future, else you'd be married. he's simply telling you want you want because you will do what he wants for sex, spend money on him, and generally try to make his life better.
I'm sure he does love you, you're a lovely girlfriend who's bending over backwards to please him

but honestly I don't think he's IN LOVE with you and I think his reticence to marriage is because someone else might come along and tickle his fantasy.

User12345666 · 13/12/2025 00:59

This reply has been deleted

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FiveShelties · 13/12/2025 01:15

Wow OP, you gave certainly packed in a lot over your 32 years and to have survived all those dreadful diseases is just amazing.🙄

deadbobaplace · 13/12/2025 01:15

Why do you want a violent husband who cheats on you?

Why do you want a baby you can't look after and who also has the genetics of a violent man who cheats on you?

Your standards are so low that if you get back on the apps you'll find a replacement boyfriend within the week. This one needs throwing back.

BadLad · 13/12/2025 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

From the OP.

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22

The job offer came when she was 22. It doesn’t say the masters degrees were achieved by then, it says she has them now. Presumably she did them when she could have been working for the bank.

PrincessFairyWren · 13/12/2025 01:33

PinkFrogss · 12/12/2025 22:40

Of course disabled people can and do become parents, but what OP is really talking about it having a child who will be cared for by her elderly mother, because she is not able to, and her partner is abusive. And having a child you can care for with an abusive man is bad enough, let alone having a child you can’t care for with an abusive man.

Show quote history

I totally agree not to have a baby with this horrible man. I thought I made that clear in my post.

The OP says that she cooks so she isn't completely dependent. It isn't clear how set up she is, or how much support she expects or needs from her mother. It isn't clear what formal support are available, if her condition is degenerative or any other significant details related to this decision. It is also unclear how much care the mother would need to provide. I was merely suggesting that she unpack this and address this. There are a lot of posters suggesting to be disabled and a parent is inherently selfish and I was responding to that.

MarxistMags · 13/12/2025 01:49

And you'd need genetic testing before you had a child.
You wouldn't want to pass on any illness or hereditary traits to a child. Such as Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder.

Newmeagain · 13/12/2025 01:52

Followthesunshine · 12/12/2025 21:44

Tuberculosis? Malaria? HIV? not sure about the other 4

Ebola?

Daygloboo · 13/12/2025 02:07

Ebee19 · 12/12/2025 18:22

Today two of my closest friends sat me (32F) down and told me that I am in an abusive relationship and begged me to break up with my long term boyfriend (33M). It isn't the first time. But I don't know what to do. The situation has completely broken me and made me suicidal. I have zero hope for the future. I have zero confidence in myself. I just wonder why I am not good enough.

I have two elite university masters degrees and had a job offer from an investment bank when I was 22. I was also a model and beauty queen. I worked my socks off and sacrificed all the fun of my teenage years to get to that point. I was confident with high standards in what I wanted from a man as well. I fell suddenly very unwell and my health continued decline. I have been sent to hundreds of doctors and no doctor can figure out what is going on or how to help beyond physio. My immune system is messed up. I have zero energy. I am losing my eyesight. My connective tissues are breaking down so I am in extreme pain and injure whenever I do anything. I have problems with my bladder, bowel and allergies. I have a medical emergency frequently. It is probably all triggered by catching 7 of the world's worst infections but I am the only person to have done this so there is nothing they can do to help. So basically, I am in no way a catch. I have put on over 40% of my body weight and the doctors can't figure out why. I have no energy to be the outgoing person I used to be. I am beyond drained physically and emotionally. I have no way to make money but have just too many savings to get benefits, bar PIP. I do everything I can to increase my health span, I do all my physio and I use pain management techniques. I attend every hospital appointment offered. My Mum is my carer and I am very reliant on her.

I met my boyfriend 7 years ago on tinder. I had a long-term relationship before that but he broke up with me because of the impact my health had on our lives. I met my boyfriend soon after. He was very caring at the start, but this slowly changed to semi-caring, semi frustrated. But he does take over my care at the weekend and he has always agreed to help with my wheelchair. Just before lockdown in 2020, he cheated and became violent at a party. I was shocked as didn't know this side of him. I should have walked away then, but then suddenly we were in lockdown. I was shielding and he was on base as military. He was the only thing that kept me sane really. He drove down and sat by the window, he video chatted every day, he sent me treats. We continued that for two years. With some 2m apart dates whenever allowed. Then after lockdown, I had a miscarriage (he told me this didn't affect him as wasn't real and he was worried about only me, and it was basically a me problem) and I ended up having an injury (caused by him but accidentally) which meant I was hospitalised for two months. I came out and he was there. I worked tooth and nail to learn to walk, dress, wash, drive, use the toilet and survive. I still need help for drives over 20 mins and cooking, but it has taken every part of me to get to where I am now 2 years on. All my doctors are proud of me and say I have managed far beyond what they dreamed. He is brilliant 95% of the time, but has been violent 2-3 times, including days after I left hospital. He had therapy after the last time and hasn't lost his temper with me since.

My issue is I want to get married. I was very clear on this from the very beginning. It has been my dream to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I need to do this when my Mum is young enough to help me (her offer) - time is running out for her (she is 72) and for me (being able to carry them safely). Having kids will cause a further decline in my health, but I am willing to make this sacrifice and it is the only thing that matters to me now. It is the reason I torture myself in physio to make this possible. I have had friends with mum's with significant health conditions and they are some of the best families I know. So I know it is possible, when there is enough support available. When we got together, he said he would propose after a year. At a year, he asked for another year as his work had been very tough. That took us into Covid then hospital. The thing is the last three years, I just don't know what I can do to make him love me enough. He won't propose, he won't buy a house so won't live with me (he comes up every weekend). I have tried asking, I have tried honest discussions, I have asked him to break up with me if he doesn't want to marry me (he insists he does and I am his soulmate), I have tried to proposing to him (he said he has to be the one to do it), I have explained the delay is making me lose confidence in myself and the time constraints on us having help and my health, and I have tried not talking about it at all to take the pressure off. Everyone in my life is of two camps - "you need to leave as he won't propose"/"this is destroying you" and "count your blessings, you are lucky he wants you". My parents and his parents asked three years ago and he insisted he was proposing soon. He told me he would propose in June and I know he planned something. But it was the day before my uncle's funeral and my Mum begged him to delay it a month as it was sudden and very horrible circumstances, our family was in bits and my Dad was broken by it both mentally and health wise (I was up multiple times in the night to help my Dad make it through the night). He said he didn't call it off due to my uncle's funeral as he decided I should 'keep living' but because it was raining. It was probably the closest I've come to walking away as I found the fact he couldn't understand why the timing was wrong was horrendous. He apologised a week later and said he didn't realise how badly the family was affected. Everyone we knew who found out his plans have said they were very troubled by his lack of empathy - his friends especially. But he now has not proposed in another 6 months or the seven years before.

I think I am a good girlfriend. I talk to him every day. I am always nice and kind. I have made an effort with his family, friends and colleagues. All of whom talk to me regularly. I plan amazing weekends for us every week, give him meals and a nice house to come to. I have developed new interests in keeping with what he enjoys - watching F1/Marvel/rugby (he has started some of my hobbies too). I buy him little surprises. I plan him amazing birthdays and parties every year. We have an active sex life and I have adapted to what he likes regarding this. I try my best and sacrifice a lot to try and be the best possible partner to him. I really don't know what I can do more and my family/friends tell me it really isn't me, but I just feel like there is something about me. But then I don't understand why he won't just walk away if he doesn't want me.

I have no idea how to walk away. I love him. He is my best friend. I want us to spend the rest of our lives with one another. We have good fun, he makes me laugh, he finishes my sentences. We have the same dream for our future. I really don't want to walk away, but I am also desperate to have a family while I still can. I am also totally reliant on him or my Mum for care. I have no financial future. I have no way to have children on my own. Both him and my Mum tell me I am fat and have lost my looks (I agree). Frankly, I don't think a single person would fall in love with me anymore. I have zero to attract someone. My friends keep saying I am wrong and who I am as a person would attract someone, despite the health and career. But they also keep apologising to me, treat me like I am going to die and tell me it's heartbreaking when they think who I used to be, so I don't think I am giving them the best impression either ha! But watching friends, all the ones who own their house (with huge deposits from parents) and the ones with glittering careers, are the ones who got engaged the quickest. The only people I know who have managed to get married with health conditions, had very wealthy parents who pretty much paid allowances to their husbands or gave deposits. My parents aren't able to afford to do either of these. So I just don't think I would find someone else. But I also don't want anyone else, I want him. But I also don't understand if he loves me (he tells me multiple times a day and tells me he often can't stop smiling when he thinks about me), why he would want to cause me this much anguish and pain, why he would want to destroy my confidence and leave me in tears by not wanting to move forward? All my friends said if he loved me he would propose. His whole family, cousins, siblings, friends have all told him not to mess this up and propose as if he loses me he will never forgive himself.

Mumsnet, what do I do? Am I the problem? Just too ugly or not doing enough? And please, don't be too harsh as I am on the absolute brink of just giving up on all of it at this point.

I think you need to start again. You have driven yourself into the ground working so hard and achieving so much to the point where that might have been what compromised your immune system jn the first place. You sound obsessed with being perfect and doing the best and the right thing etc etc but it's destroying you. I think you need to ditch the bloke, he's not helping you, and you need to forget about children. You cant have kids when you are so ill. It's not fair on you or the potential kids. Just concentrate on getting well. You are only 32. I think it's possible you could meet a nice man in the future but forget the current boyfriend and forget kids. What's the point of achieving this perfect life you've envisaged for yoursrlf if you end up dead and your kids have no mother or grandmother and only a hopeless nasty father.