It’s not considered appropriate for men to comment on my body, so why do female colleagues think they can?

[Colleaguecomments]

It was my work Christmas party last night. I am wondering if IABU to take offence to this conversation.

Female colleague complimented my weight loss/work at the gym. Another female colleague then did similar.

Two of my male colleagues were present and one of them (drunk) then made a lewd comment, no doubt intended to be a compliment, which I didn’t appreciate.

But he wouldn’t have said anything if my female colleagues didn’t mention this in the first place. It’s not the first time I’ve overheard such conversations over the years either.

So I suppose my question is - why is it seemingly acceptable for women to comment on each others bodies, but not for men? Surely it’s inappropriate either way when it’s uninvited.

So your female colleague is responsible for this man's lewd, sweary behaviour?

Blimey.

Did she pin him down and tazer his balls until he agreed to make a comment about your arse?

I agree: noone should make any comment on how you look.

Before reporting to HR would be best to have a serious word with the man when he's next at work.

Your female colleagues were complimenting you .
Male colleague was drunk ( I’m not saying that makes it fine btw ) , but unless he sat there making comments more than once or does regularly at work , I would forget it & move on .
I wouldn’t dream of reporting to HR a once off , from what I gather from what you’re saying
at an Xmas party from someone who clearly had too much to drink & has never behaved like this before .
I’m guessing you guys are not new colleagues?
So if it’s something that has never happened before .
If it was me , I’d just forget about it ..

I think work xmas party's are often asking for trouble. Relaxed colleagues + alcohol = someone upset.

With gross misconduct aside, it's difficult to expect people at a party, with more often than not, alcohol involved, to act completely as professional and have the same filter on as they would have in work.

I love my team, they're great! I love their company and working with them. Would I go the xmas party with them? No chance! I know my limits and I know theirs...!

You're being unreasonable to blame the women for the man's comment, that's ridiculous and playground politics.

And as lewd as his comment was I'd still consider the situation. Is he usually OK, has he just had a drink and forgot the situation and who he is talking to? A quite word aside might be a good idea if so. If it's a pattern of behaviour then that's different.

On one hand, I agree with others that the woman is in no way responsible for the man's remark. He's a grown-ass man, he's responsible for himself just like she is for her remark.

On the other hand, I agree that women can push the boundaries on acceptable remarks on other's bodies and some get away with it because culturally it's viewed as more acceptable when women do so.

I've been working at a new site for the last week, with people I've never met before, to help out with a staff shortage and one of the women working there pretty much includes remarks about my appearance in every conversation. She has been spinning it in a complimentary way most of the time, but it's included questions and remarks I find way too personal for someone I've just met and asks repeatedly and insistently if I don't answer the way she finds satisfactory while our colleagues awkwardly laugh around us. Some men have such things laughed off as well, but I think it would more easily be framed as unprofessional / inappropriate with a man than it does with women where feeling uncomfortable with their remarks/questions often is turned into needing to lighten up/take a compliment/stop looking to be offended.

isn't obvious why it is more disturbing to get such comments from men? Women can comment but men shouldn't simply because men and women's comments come from different places. Women spend their entire lives trying to look pretty and can see the details and the work another woman has put into her appearance. The comments come from a place of camaraderie. When men make similar comments their background thought is "would I like to shag her" and they are evaluating the sex appeal. So yeah, I'd welcome such comments from females but not males.

I've never understood why anyone would think it appropriate to comment on another person's body size either in a way they perceive to be .positive or negative. It's noone else's business and highly rude.

Other women are usually complimentary with such comments and often just enjoy bigging up other women, often channelling ‘girl power’ (hate that phrase) whereas with men it’s often sexually motivated. I wouldn’t be offended if a guy said to me “Wow you’ve lost weight!” though. I think it’s all about the context. Maybe last night wasn’t a good example as people were under the influence so sometimes say more than they usually would.

I think that "between us girls" conversations are often different than when men are around? Personally I have no problem with a female collegue or friend making a compliment about my clothes or indeed even my body. Just like I compliment my neighbour about her flat stomach, knowing she works out a lot. It's not sexual in any way, it's just a compliment - and I think we women should do that more often 💝

Because the women were being complimentary and respectful. And might have an interest in it from a personal point of view. If they wished to emulate your weight loss or style.

When a man does it, as you have observed here, it is lewd, sexual and unnecessary.

So you have answered your own question really. It's because men are often pervs and it's none of their business.

Wow OP what a lot of haters on here! Nobody should comment on your body. These posters all seem to assume everyone is heterosexual, but the days that’s highly unlikely. So whether it’s a man or woman becomes irrelevant. You are perfectly correct and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise x

Speaking personally, I find it acceptable for women to pass a complimentary comment on my appearance because they are coming from a place of trying to uplift me. I don't find it acceptable for a man to make a lewd comment about my appearance because they are coming from a place of either predatory, objectification of me, or trying for a cheap laugh with a crude joke at my expense, which is disrespectful and belittling.
You are of course entitled to be equally offended at both and if you are determined to hold women responsible for men's behaviour, then you could tell the women to no longer comment. Then report back if this stops men being lewd.

Don't be that always OFFENDED person. The human race interacts...they can't all know your personal preferences as to what is permissible to say/think/do. Why not WFH, stay single and try not to interact with others to ensure that no one accidentally greets you, smiles at you or (God forbid) compliments you!

This was my thought too - crazy how the women are blamed for the man being a letch!

He's responsible for his own actions!

Some men might only make a comment like that after a woman made a non-sexual comment about your body, and some would do it anyway. Either way she isn't responsible for him.

People have difference tolerances for comments about their body. Personally I'd never comment on it, although I would compliment a new haircut or piece of clothing. But, as you'll see on other threads, some people are v bothered when friends don't comment on weight loss.

Although no harm is meant by it, it is inappropriate to comment on a colleague’s appearance yes. When I’ve taken mandatory training courses at work this was covered in the sexual harassment one (to be clear I’m not saying that this would constitute sexual harassment before anyone jumps on this, but that it’s a bad idea to comment on appearance for various reasons).

Letchy maybe, but not perverted

So you’re blaming the women for the behaviour of the men? Plus ça change.

You do realise you are blaming a woman for the actions of a man?

Your male colleague's comment was lewd. Were your female colleagues' comments lewd? No. They "complimented my weight loss/work at the gym" - health-related.

I think you need to check yourself for internalised misogyny, since a woman's place is to take the blame when it's the man who does something wrong.

Have you ever been drunk?. Alcohol removes the connexion between the brain and the vocal chords.

If every female complained to HR every time anyone made any "lewd" comment they would have to triple the staff. Some women are flattered, as are some men. In any case one person's "lewd" is another person's funny.

Bum smacking doesn't usually occur at the Xmas party (only usually in the buff in a bed/bathroom and then it's a sort of mutual thing!

Isn't it OP blaming the women, not the guy to excuse himself?

I accidentally voted yanbu. You are very much BU for the reasons others have explained.

Women get away with far more bullshit in this area because we don't expect them to butt the fuck out of other people's lives. Same with personal space, I've had FAR more Women elbow and get in my personal space than men, because most men know it's fucking not ok. All you Women who think it's okay to make bodily contact with me because we're on a train or whatever, fuck you. I'm a CSA survivor. My need for physical safety trumps your entitled attitude to MY space. And keep your kids away from me too.

If I were on a work’s night out with colleagues and someone said I looked good, especially if I’d been trying to lose weight / tone up and had made an effort in a figure hugging dress, then I would take it as a complement. If it were a bloke who was drunk and sleazy I’d probably snarl at him and ignore it.
I really don’t understand this mentality that no one should comment positively on one’s appearance by way of a complement. Don’t we all want people to think positively about us?