It’s not considered appropriate for men to comment on my body, so why do female colleagues think they can?

[Colleaguecomments]

It was my work Christmas party last night. I am wondering if IABU to take offence to this conversation.

Female colleague complimented my weight loss/work at the gym. Another female colleague then did similar.

Two of my male colleagues were present and one of them (drunk) then made a lewd comment, no doubt intended to be a compliment, which I didn’t appreciate.

But he wouldn’t have said anything if my female colleagues didn’t mention this in the first place. It’s not the first time I’ve overheard such conversations over the years either.

So I suppose my question is - why is it seemingly acceptable for women to comment on each others bodies, but not for men? Surely it’s inappropriate either way when it’s uninvited.

Sounds like people were nice to you, yes you must immediately report them, what a crime 🙄

The man shouldn’t have referred to your arse at a work do especially, but this isn’t women’s fault, he’s responsible for his own behaviour. It’s not their fault for speaking and it’s not your fault for having a great arse 🤷‍♀️ your female colleagues commenting on it doesn’t sound offensive though, take the compliment.

It depends on your relationship surely. I have close friends who will tell me that my bum or boobs look great in an outfit... it would be really weird coming from someone I was less close to though.

I think you are wrong to link what she said with your male colleagues objectification. Women aren't to blame for men's words or actions and your thought process smacks of holding women accountable for male behaviour. But I do think it's inappropriate in its own right (unless you are also close friends outside of work and regularly compliment each other in this way?).

Unwanted attention is unwanted from men or women, if someone reports unwanted attention to the police do they check if it nice or not unwanted attention before acting?

I think this is less about male and female comments, and more about him being drunk.

If he’d been sober, do you think it’s possible that he’d just have made a suitable comment that wouldn’t have been lewd?

Well maybe he wouldn't have but it sounds like the women were being genuinely complimentary. To hold them responsible for the inappropriate way a man spoke to you is actually pretty misogynistic. The only one responsible for his comment was him.

You don't like anyone complimenting your weight loss and that's how you feel, but to blame the women for the fact that complimenting you in a respectful way led to this man being a pig isn't fair.

Lots of people do like compliments on their weight loss, especially when they've worked pretty hard to achieve it (I know i did). My mil was annoyed the other day that she's lost some weight and no ones mentioned it so it is all just personal preference in that respect.

I am glad you do not work for my company - you want to be offended

You need to ask yourself carefully why you’re blaming women for a man’s lewd comment.
They complemented you generally. Fair enough if you don’t want to be complemented, but don’t blame a man’s misogyny on them. Really poor form tbh.

From what I gather here you’re blaming the women for the men being letches so somehow as usual it’s a woman’s fault. I’d guess they just thought they were being friendly tbh and I wouldn’t really mind from a woman, it’s quite nice when women build one another up rather than be jealous and catty. They’re not to blame for the creepy men.

It's only inappropriate if the man is being creepy. My boss is gay and he commented on me "looking great, you'd never have known your bump was so big" when I went in on maternity leave and it was just a nice comment. If a man with tendency to be leery had said the same it might not have been appropriate.

Being gay doesn’t stop a man being misogynist!

How would you have felt if one of the female colleagues said you have a "fucking great arse"

So it's a woman's fault that a man can't help himself from saying inappropriate things? 🙄

“Ah, bless him, the poor lamb! He’d had a drink-wouldn’t have dreamed of being a sexist git if he’d been sober. Give him a break”

How is it misogynistic to pay someone a compliment? People comment on mens weight loss too, it's not an exclusively female conversation.

So you had no issue with the female colleague complimenting you, until the drunk man made his comment too? And now it’s because of her that he did it?

Come on. He’s not a toddler. He controls what comes out of his mouth and knows what’s appropriate.

If a women gives another woman a compliment, I think it’s usually from a good place, buoying another woman who has likely had issues with self-esteem, poor body image etc (because most of us have, at some point). I see it as a way of showing you’re not jealous or bitchy; you’re just bigging up another woman, making her feel good.

Incomparable to a drunk guy telling you you’ve got a great arse.

TBF I can imagine a women would swap "wow you look like you've worked really hard at your health regime" for "look at your great fucking arse now!" when drunk. it just hits differently when it's a man

I haven’t read every single comment, but you’re right, on a larger scale, that female comments do feed into this wider picture. And I’m not suggesting that one female commenting as an individual is either responsible for the later male comments, or should she be held to account for that. What I’m saying is that male/female social interplay is more grey than ‘everyone is responsible for their own comments.’ They are - but you can’t ignore the wider context of the culture we have created, where women (as a whole) work towards their own objectification (and eventual sexualisation) but also try and control how others feed into it. It’s an ever-fluid thing, but reducing you to your body parts is inevitably going to give the green light that you should be seen as, well…body parts.

I have slightly more sympathy for your point than most posters - I do think your female colleagues raising and commenting on your body in front of your male colleagues was quite different than if they'd done it in a female-only space. I also would find it a bit embarrassing and it's potentially awkward for everyone. However, the fact that he then made a lewd comment is 100% on him, no one else.

There’s a huge difference to making a general comment to a lewd one - the clue is in the word lewd.

There is a big difference between the opposite sexes commenting on your body though.

A female to female saying she has a nice ass is fine.
A male to male saying he has nice muscles is fine.

But saying it to the opposite sex is wrong because it can be interpreted wrong.

I’ll tell my female colleagues how nice their figures are all of the time because they know I’m not coming on to them but I wouldn’t say it to a male colleague as it could be misinterpreted.
I would say it to a male friend.

I try to look after myself - play squash most days, do not eat choc or sweet things often - think I have a good-ish body.
If someone notices I am please not in any way offended
Equally if someone does not fancy me that is fine I do not care -we are all afferent and have the right to be attracted to our own preference
In my company we have loads of banter - it is called having a laugh (I am sire some will be mortified by that)

True story
Laura a very good friend of mine is HR director for a housing developer
A number of young guys had an email chat about the women they most fancied at work
It cane to light and HR was informed
Laura was delighted that on all the guys list she ranked from 1-3
As she said we all think like that sometimes and have had that conversation with friends
Guys were told not to put anything like that in writing again
As Laura said we all look at people who think of who we fancy - I doubt many people have not thought who in the right circumstances they could have sex with from the friends or colleagues - it does not mean they ever would but is a purely hypothetical thought
I certainly have male and female colleagues and friends who I think have a good body (which is personally what attracts me physically) and with whom in fantasy world a good time could be had!
Does not mean I ever would as am happily with hubby, but I think it is normal.
I think anyone who does not think that way sometimes has be be cold/frigid ( sorry of that offends anyone but that is what I think)
All this nonsense of thinking it is politically incorrect to find someone attractive and say so is the ultimate in wokery nonsense

Is it? Women aren’t stupid or oblivious to the idea that as a class, a large amount of women are trying to get that ‘nice ass’ so they can be admired sexually.

And no, I’m not saying every individual woman is motivated by this. I’m saying that as a culture that’s what we have created. Beauty standards, by and large, are about sexual attraction.

Surely the difference is that the female colleague’s comment isn’t potentially motivated by the desire to fuck you.

This

But I can admire a woman’s body but not want to have sex with her and she knows it.

When a man does it, he could potentially want to have sex with her and that’s where the issues are because that could make the woman feel uncomfortable etc.

Thats why it’s less inappropriate for a gay man to compliment your body because there isn’t the issue of it meaning anything more and being pervy.

So unless I was really close to the man and he knew that I wasn’t attracted to him, then I wouldn’t compliment a man’s body because it might be taken the wrong way.

I honestly felt like this in my younger years 🙁 I was tall and slim and I hated people commenting on my body - male or female. But it always felt like it was supposed to be okay because it was ‘complimentary’. It wasn’t. I love being old and fat and nobody saying anything 😂